Can I Be Me Without Losing You?

By Chental Wilson

Are you worried that to be happy and true to yourself means leaving those you love and the life you have behind?

One of the reasons becoming ourselves takes so long and is so hard is because we have a deep fear of speaking our own truths. We have been conditioned to feel badly about who we are and guilty about what we want from life. One Sunday afternoon something happened to Chental that changes her forever. “In The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle refers to this shift as “being in a “State of Grace.”

Follow Chental as she takes you on her journey of self empowerment while including her husband and family. She learns to be a detective in her own life using her new abilities to detach, watch herself grow, and along the way explain what’s happening to those she loves, so that they are not afraid, threatened or confused by her new actions.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press
• Release date: Jun 15, 2016
• ISBN: 9781504354448

Chental Wilson

Born in High Wycombe, England, into a strong Catholic family, Chental is the second youngest of nine girls. She met her husband at the age of fifteen and was married at nineteen, thus starting her adventure into becoming a wife and mother in a new home in Canada. After suffering for a few years with back issues at the age of 42, Chental was led to her life changing awakening. She set out on a journey to expose herself and her heart. While becoming a wife and a mother she discovered she had left part of herself behind. As she courageously and vulnerably exposed herself and her heart, she finally came to understand where she had gone and why. Today Chental lives on Salt Spring Island with her husband. This is her first book written with a passion to share what she has learned on her own journey through life. Chental feels it is her responsibility to share what she discovered in the hope that it encourages others to embark on their own road to living life from their true authentic selves. Chental was in search of her true-est self! She was in search of unconditional love, does it really exist?

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Copyright © 2016 Chental Wilson.

Front Cover Photo credit to Silviu Ghetie, www.ghetie.ro

Front and Back Cover Design credit to Jessica Wilson

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

ISBN: 978-1-5043-5443-1 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5043-5445-5 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-5043-5444-8 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2016905561

Balboa Press rev. date: 06/15/2016

CONTENTS

Testimonials

Dedication

Introduction

Chapter 1 Why Did I Say Yes, When I Wanted to Say No?

Chapter 2 Fear to Speak my Truth

Chapter 3 Sins of Our Fathers

Chapter 4 Did I Know Who My Mother Was?

Chapter 5 Family Conditionings

Chapter 6 Seeing Through New Eyes

Chapter 7 Discovering the Wounds

Chapter 8 Ego and Illness

Chapter 9 Shining Light into the Darkness

Chapter 10 Sins as a Mother

Chapter 11 Around The World on Two Wheels

Chapter 12 Unconditional Love

Epilogue

Acknowledgement

Resources

Author Biography

Testimonials

"Chental Wilson is a genuine artist who expresses her innermost passions, dreams, fears, and desires through the essence of a personal breakthrough in her life canvas. In her recent book Chental becomes this mystical canvas, the rainbow of paints, the magical brushes and the heroic painter whom have painted the courageous and honest images of her true self, deepest aspirations and greatest passions. This book is written for those who long to awaken the power of their sleeping giants within. It is so much the truth that it is us and all that we love, experience, and create; and dare to accept the unprepared challenges to free our authentic selves from the overdue barricaded cocoons and become the ultimate spiritual warriors of life!"

Dr. Peter Yam N.D.

"It reads as though this message is coming right from the heart. I enjoyed the ‘new’ image idea and especially the piece about being ‘a girl’ That drove home the points for me. The work also left me with many questions which, for me at least, is a good thing. I want to be challenged to see things from a different perspective and again I thought you did that really well. One question that kept coming back to me was how do we find/create/determine/agree on what balance is because it needs to be OK for the both of us-men and women—how do we maintain our uniqueness in the world and develop a much deeper, more honest and meaningful acceptance and appreciation of each other as genders without giving up too much of what makes us who we are in the first place?? I am pleased that a woman has taken on the task of helping us men understand who you are and what you need in a way that encourages us to work together to make that happen.

Jim Cloughley, Author of

"A Man’s work is never done – A novel about mentoring our sons"

"Chental brings home the essence of living from our heart’s truth in a wonderfully raw, authentic voice that makes this book a remarkable page turner! Her powerful stories will inspire you to be the detective in the stories you tell yourself; to shift your perceptions and come to the greatest version of your innermost truth. Chental’s pragmatic exercises are daily steps that anyone can utilize to live from a conscious place while emerging into their authentic being."

Karen McGregor, International Speaker,

Bestselling Author, Intuition Expert

KarenMcGregor.ca

"In her grace Chental eloquently shares the truth of her journey from a place of courage. As she encounters the challenges of life, she views everything as an opportunity to learn, to rise, to be more. She believes the key to living rightly is to be the detective of our lives; to constantly enquire. Chental shares all that which she has come to know with a pure intent of serving. Her vulnerability is palpable."

Janet Love Morrison

This book is dedicated to

My dad Cyril Luck. There were many nights I watched you in tears for the sadness of our world. I know you felt it deeply, but didn’t know how to help. It was as though you were connected to something much larger than this life. Even though you were misunderstood and spent most of your life with your own thoughts, you never stopped looking for the answers to why things were the way they were. I saw the duality in you that you were determined to understand. The mystery of the human mind fascinated you, including your own, and I thank you for passing that desire to uncover the truth down to me.

To my mom, Maureen, who always loved me unconditionally and gave all of herself so freely.

To my hubby, Trevor. Thank you for having the courage and trust to go on this journey with me - not just for this book but in life. And for your undeniable love for me, you hung in there while I figured me out. For all my readers, Trevor never read the book until just before it went to print, he never had me change a thing and that’s trust.

AND

To my two kids Phil and Jess. I couldn’t wish for more consciously aware loving human beings. I want you to always know who your mother is and was so you may never wonder as I did.

INTRODUCTION

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power,

the world will know peace."

Jimmy Hendrix

1942- 1970

I felt I had a responsibility to write this book. I was so fascinated by my ability to watch my thoughts and actions during my journey to awareness that I wanted to write down my Ah ha moments in the hopes that my experiences would resonate with others and help them to become their authentic selves.

I believed others had to change first before I could step into my authentic self. I came to discover this wasn’t true. I didn’t have to wait for anyone to change for me to become me, what I believed, was stopping me from being me. This seems so obvious, but why do most of us still compromise ourselves for the love of another, believing that’s what we have to do?

Like other women, among them Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat Pray Love) I wanted to find out who I really was. I wanted to know what my truth was and what I believed, but I didn’t want to leave my husband and family by going off to live in an ashram and not speak for a hundred days. I wanted to go on an inner journey within my own family.

I found myself standing at the crossroads of my life and wanting to go forward, but something was stopping me. Why couldn’t I take that next step? My answer was, Because I’m afraid that those I love won’t come with me. I believed I’d be alone or they would be left behind: neither of which I could bare to allow, the choice seemed like no choice at all. But the burning desire that I could finally be one hundred percent me and keep my relationships intact pushed me forward to show me the way.

Bruce Lipton, biologist and author of Spontaneous Evolution, says: Miraculous healing awaits this planet once we accept our new responsibility to collectively tend the garden, rather than fight over the turf. I support his belief. Our own individual turf, in fact, is the only one we really do have control over and how we act in the world around us; it’s our personal responsibility. Once we have achieved this on the personal level, we will naturally be contributing to the global turf.

This book will show you through my stories and experiences that the most helpful tool I had during difficult times was the ability to watch my thought patterns, actions and write them down, without judgment. This is key; don’t get caught up in the story. We all do this naturally all the time; however, we aren’t always aware we’re doing it, we most certainly don’t write it down, and we likely always judge. I experienced many signposts along my path and I learned to see them clearly as I became more aware.

Eckhart Tolle describes this level of consciousness in his books: The Power of Now and A New Earth.

Becoming aware, watching yourself act out in your own life, being a witness of your own actions and thought patterns propels you forward to become your authentic self. First you have to know what’s going on within you before you can change the outcome.

It was time for me to step into my authentic self. I had realized I had left a part of me behind when I became a wife and a mother: it was time to become whole again.

My ultimate goal is for this book to reach the far corners of the Earth to lead women to become their authentic selves while still being able to have compassion towards men. We have both been conforming to other people’s beliefs and beliefs passed down to us from previous generations. Not any more, it’s time for the truth, our own truth.

Given I’m a woman, this book has been written from a women’s perspective. To my surprise I’ve had a lot of interest from men who are asking the same question, can I be me without losing you? There are hidden gifts here for everyone. My objective is that we step away from the stories within our minds, from the victim mentality of we don’t have a choice and we are stuck with what we have. We’re never stuck and we always have a choice: we have been conditioned to believe we don’t. The fact is, what I believed was creating my reality.

So, if you’re tired of conforming and being someone you aren’t, if you say YES when you mean NO, then my story may help you find yourself while still keeping your relationships intact.

What I went through wasn’t easy, there wasn’t a road map for me to follow; no one gave me direct instructions. I had to let go and agree to go on this journey without knowing where it would lead. I had to have faith and trust: I had to believe. I was in search of unconditional love. Does it really exist?

Step into my shoes and come along with me on my journey to discover what I found out.

Note: Music played a big part in my evolution towards consciousness. It has a way of releasing emotions that are locked away from our mind’s reach, thus every chapter is preceded by a song (at the time of publication, the rights for the lyrics were not available). If you want to know what my emotions were at any stage, listen to the song related to the chapter before you read it (listed on my website; see Author’s Page). This will help set the scene in your mind and open up the emotions I was feeling.

CHAPTER ONE

Why Did I Say Yes, When I Wanted to Say No?

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Song: Change by Tracey Chapman

Why did I say yes when I wanted to say no? Just to get my needs met? To create safety for my kids and myself? Is that what my mother did and taught me to do? Why didn’t I just speak my truth? Have I learned to manipulate and lie? Or was I simply just too afraid?

I don’t believe divorce happens because we drift apart and forget to do things together after the kids come along. It seems to me, as we become moms and wives, we adjust and take on roles based on what we learned from our mothers and what has been expected of women from centuries past. All those conditioned beliefs end up determining how our own life will unfold.

The truth is, I went underground and wore a mask to protect my children and myself. Right or wrong, I did what I did because that’s what I watched my mother do. She kept the peace and made sure everyone was happy: Dad, the kids, that was her job and she forgot about herself. That’s what I learned to do and on some level at some point: I agreed to it. Why wouldn’t I? What else did I know?

I remember spending a weekend with my sisters in 2000. One evening we went around the room asking each other the question: When are you at your happiest? My youngest sister answered first. She hesitated for a moment and then said, When I’m painting. I could tell a part of her almost felt ashamed to admit it, even if she didn’t know why, but this was her truth. My sister next to me (in age) and I gave the same answer, When our family is happy, we’re happy. I remember thinking, this is so cheesy and it felt wrong. But I didn’t say anything. It was like being aware of something you had always thought, but now after hearing it out loud you didn’t agree with it anymore. My sister felt free to be happy doing something for herself and I hadn’t ever thought about that possibility before. As we finished up hearing from the other sisters, I could tell my youngest sister felt as though she was being judged, and perhaps, she was. I just remember how brave she was to be so honest in spite of her eight sisters. Perhaps at the time some of us weren’t even aware we weren’t being as brave, or perhaps we really believed it was enough for our families to be happy. Is that what we were taught? As the youngest sister, she was always accused of being selfish and spoilt when we all lived at home. Now, when I look back, she was the only one who didn’t take on our family’s conditioning. If it was encouraged, she rebelled against it.

We were good girls who listened, watched, and saw how our mother was. For most of her life she sacrificed herself for the happiness of her family - and that was exactly what we were all doing. Granted, we were all happy to be that way, but we were clueless in knowing there was any other way to be. Every night my mother went off to the pub with my dad when I was little? She left my younger sister and me alone, even though it was the last thing she wanted to do. She said yes when she wanted to say no.

Why didn’t she say no? She believed it would have upset our father. She believed he would have become angry and taken his anger out on her: or on us kids. So, what choice did she have? She went to the pub and left us kids to fend for ourselves. Can you imagine how hard that must have been for her? Knowing her little girls were terrified to be left alone? She had to make a choice and she believed this was the best one for us girls, so that’s what she did. She did it for us. That’s what I label prostituting ourselves to get what we need, be it for those we protect or ourselves. Perhaps her own mother did the same thing for the same reasons: and we did what we did because it’s the only way we knew as well.

I believed I couldn’t say no to my husband because I too believed he would get mad and take it out on the kids or me and then the whole house would be left in a mess. This was my job wasn’t it? To keep the peace and protect the kids? I thought so. My husband isn’t a violent man at all. He has never used physical force on me, our children, or anyone else for that matter. So you may ask, why was I afraid? When he raised his voice - that was enough for me. At times his energy filled the room with anger. This is what kept me from speaking my truth and it was enough to control me. This mirrored my father’s behaviour and this is when I learned to be controlled by a fear of confrontation.

It goes even deeper for me. I believe in past lives. I discovered, through past life regression, that I was killed for speaking out in one of my former lifetimes. So for me, the fear was even more intense. What I believe is this: we come into this world with wounded egos that need to heal (sometimes from previous lifetimes and some accumulated from this lifetime) and it’s our sole responsibility to be a detective in our own lives to find out what those wounds are in order to move forward.

I was fascinated to discover that I created my situations from my own behaviour and beliefs. Once I discovered this and grew conscious of my beliefs I could then change them, it seemed my husband would then have to make a conscious choice to accept my new way of being, as I had changed. I discovered that to become empowered was to simply embody the truth of who I am and I had to make the choice to step into all of me.

Ask yourself, how many times in your life have you said yes when you really wanted to say no? But because it would have upset your husband (or partner) and he/she may have taken that out on you or your kids - you just said yes to keep the peace. In the past, I would rather sacrifice myself than our children, so I would say yes when I wanted to say no.

Take sex for instance: brace yourselves ladies. You may not believe this, but I had sex twice a day with my husband for most of our married life. I can just hear the sighs, but here’s the thing: Part of me believed this was my job as a wife and part of me was doing it to control the outer situations. I thought as long as I could keep my husband happy, within my own control, the whole household would be better off. To say no to sex created a negative situation and put him in a bad mood. I believed the negativity would play out into the next day and into our lives and neither the kids nor I wanted that to happen, so I said yes. Don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy sex, but that was over-the-top ridiculous. I was exhausted, it was just one way I controlled him. Others would say he controlled me - but I could of said no and had the courage to face the consequences of being true to myself, instead I was afraid. It was crazy.

From what I’ve witnessed, after the kids leave home … boom - we return to our true nature of who we really were (pre-wives, pre-kids) and we get back to our hopes our desires. How confusing is that for men? How are they to know that our yes’s sometimes mean no? But because we are trying to keep the peace we compromise ourselves for peace, love, and protection. At this chapter in our lives we’re wondering, what happened to our dreams? It wasn’t ever about whether we still love our men; it’s just now that our kids are safely on their way we can concentrate on what we wanted to be all those years ago. We don’t need to be the protectors any longer.

I distinctly remember the day I returned to my body with the clear understanding that we are all spiritual beings simply having a human experience and once we understand this, we are then free to create the life we really want: void of our fears. It took away the intenseness of life for me, I became relaxed now knowing that this was a journey, this human life I was living. As spiritual beings we are already perfect so no need to try to reach perfection. As a human being our job is to consciously go on the ride of our human lives watching and learning and ultimately getting back to knowing where we came from and who we are at our core. Its the game of remembering. Its time to remember the truths. It is said that we came into human form to experience separation, we have all come from a collective oneness. It is also said that this was our choice, we wanted to experience separation, so thats the journey we are on. I have experienced separation and Im happy to say that I am back to oneness and that I didn’t have to die to achieve this. I get to now experience heaven on earth and you will to if you discipline yourself to follow your own truths. Separation does not feel nice, its lonely and dark and cold sometimes but its necessary, once we see