I Am: A Journey of Self-Liberation

By Nisha Madhuri Kishore

"They handed my glasses back to me, and I saw a tuft of hair swishing to the side with sideburns on each side. As I met this new version of myself in the mirror, I looked at my soul through my eyes and knew I was Zadian."

Nisha reinvented herself from a woman to a man and back again, from religion to spirituality, and from bond

• Language: English
• Publisher: New Degree Press
• Release date: Feb 20, 2023
• ISBN: 9798889266266

Book preview

I Am

A Journey of Self-Liberation

Nisha Madhuri Kishore

new degree press

copyright © 2023 Nisha Madhuri Kishore

All rights reserved.

I Am

A Journey of Self-Liberation

ISBN

979-8-88926-627-3 Paperback

979-8-88926-628-0 Hardcover

979-8-88926-626-6 eBook

I would like to dedicate this book to my Higher Power for showing me that in our darkest hour, we awaken our deepest strength.

Thank you.

Love,

Nisha

Contents

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You Are Greater than You Imagine

Chapter 1

Unlocking Innate Wisdom

Chapter 2

Unconditional Love?

Chapter 3

A Close Shave (tw: blood, self-injury)

Chapter 4

Revealing My Inner Liberator

Chapter 5

Prison of One (tw: suicidal ideations)

Chapter 6

What Role Are You Playing?

Chapter 7

An Unfolding Adventure

Chapter 8

A Lotus Unfolding

Chapter 9

Unwritten Script

Chapter 10

Inner Revelation

Chapter 11

Did You Savor Every Bite?

Final Note

Closing Remarks

Acknowledgments

Appendix

You Are Greater than You Imagine

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I don’t recognize myself! I cried into my bathroom mirror after returning home from an unsuccessful meeting with a potential prospect. Resentment swelled in me as I thought about my daily activities: talking to strangers, getting coffee with them, getting rejected, throwing on a smile to post on social media, and doing it all over again the next day. I had been doing this for the past two and a half years to be financially free, but I was starting to think this wasn’t freedom at all. My business hadn’t grown, I didn’t have any friends, my health was suffering, and I was waking up feeling more hopeless every day. My intuition guided me to quit this business many times prior, but shame, guilt, and the need to belong kept bringing me back.

You’re the one who said you wanted financial freedom, my mentor’s voice invaded my thoughts. It was true that the idea of financial independence excited me. But this? This was starting to take a greater toll than I expected, and I felt no hope for a better future.

I can’t keep doing this, Nisha, my mentor told me a few days prior. You keep going back and forth. Some days, you’re all in and will do whatever it takes to be successful in this industry. Other days, you say you don’t want to do it anymore. It’s hard for me to trust you. I can’t deal with this emotional instability and immaturity, and you need to make a decision about whether or not you’re going to be all in.

I turned on the faucet and splashed my face, hoping to drown out her voice from inside my head. I deeply respected my mentor because she became financially independent by her mid-twenties. I was drawn to her right after college because I didn’t know any other women who achieved financial freedom at a young age, and I didn’t have any women role models to guide me. I wanted to learn and grow, and I wanted her to teach me. So I stuck with the program for a few years. But ultimately, I felt like I hated who I was becoming, I was divorced from my truth, and I wasn’t on a path I was excited about. My relationship with my mentor was becoming a toxic relationship I knew I had to get out of but couldn’t because I didn’t trust myself. I had to find my inner courage to break free.

I turned off the faucet and gazed into my own bloodshot eyes in the mirror. Where was the life in them that I had known during my childhood? What happened to the spirit-filled, explorative version of myself who loved theater, writing, and painting? I yanked the ponytail out of my hair and cringed at the outfit I wore: a golden blouse from TJ Maxx, black suit pants that exemplified my figure, and a dash of black eyeliner. Who had I become in trying to achieve someone else’s idea of success? I said I wanted financial freedom, but was it truly freedom if I was losing touch with my true self?

I’ve looked into my mirror for comfort since I was a child because I find inspiration in myself. If I look long enough and hard enough, I experience a twinkling sense of lightning that breathes new creativity, possibilities, and solutions. Maybe I could find that same strength in myself again if only I stood in front of my own face long enough.

We have to take a picture to post on our social media, I remembered. I forced myself to smile, but the rage grew deeper. Instead of taking the photo, I allowed myself to breathe. Was I so used to meeting other people’s expectations of me that I denied myself my own truth?

I looked deeper into my eyes, and I decided I was done meeting guilt, shame, and disgust in the mirror. The daily volcano in my stomach and the constriction emerging around my lungs while having these business conversations were no longer tolerable.

I was tired of talking to strangers about a woman who became financially free by age twenty-six when I was twenty-five and burned to know my story. I wanted to see my eyes ignite again with power, purpose, and potential, and I wasn’t waiting for anyone’s permission anymore.

Just know that if you quit this business, then you’ll be working a job until you die, I felt my mentor’s emotionally manipulative voice in my head. Winners never quit and quitters never win.

But what if you wake up and realize you’re playing someone else’s game?

I was tired of being guilted into making fear-based decisions. Determined to create my own game, I quit her idea of success and freedom and wanted to create my own. I didn’t need to make six figures on fifteen hours a week by age twenty-six like my mentor. Instead, I needed to break out of my self-imposed chains and meet my true self. She said financial freedom was freedom, but what if true freedom had nothing to do with the size of one’s bank account and everything to do with who they were and how they related to others?

I started officially writing this book two weeks after quitting her business to discover my true voice, purpose, and idea of freedom. I tried writing this book one year prior, when I initially transitioned from a transmasculine identity back to a cisgender woman. I didn’t publish because I realized I wasn’t emotionally ready to release a book into the world. Deep down, I still had to accept myself for who I was and my own journey, and I think a part of me felt shame for going through a two-way gender transition. Now, I realize my story has the power to help other people experience deeper levels of truth, honesty, love, and integrity within themselves, so I will joyfully and gratefully share it with the world.

Ever since I was six, I grappled with questions such as, What is real? Who am I? and Why do I exist? I explored multiple facets of my identity through wrestling with self-harm, suicide, gender transition, and spiritual exploration.

I know of many self-help gurus who take for granted that people always know who they are. In an interview on Oprah Winfrey’s infamous Supersoul Sunday podcast, she interviewed Paulo Coelho, author of the well-known book, The Alchemist. When she challenged Coelho’s assumption that people know their purpose, he insisted, They know! (Coelho 2017). In my experience, understanding the self is not a straightforward journey. Instead, identity formation, creation, and discovery are intricate, nuanced processes of revealing and creating the self. Throughout my journey, I learned that self-discovery is a dynamic process of unfolding who you really are while giving yourself space to create who you choose to be.

In her New York Times best-selling book, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are, Brené Brown describes authenticity as the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are (Brown 2010, 50). While I agree authenticity is a practice, in my experience, true authenticity involves the recognition that who I am goes beyond descriptors of gender, sexuality, or spirituality. These are vital ways through which I interact with the world, however, they are not who I truly am. I’ve come to understand who I truly am