Discovering the Great I Am: One Woman’S Journey to Find God

By Fractal S

This book provides a detailed recipe in a logical step-by-step approach for learning to release the blocks that have derailed your efforts to be successful and happy. It demonstrates the process of how to create the life you want for yourself rather than life by default.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press
• Release date: Oct 30, 2017
• ISBN: 9781504388474

Fractal S

Fractal S began her quest to reconnect with higher consciousness as a young adult after having lost the connection which she had a young child. As an explorer of conscious, her journey led her through many personal lessons toward wholeness. She became a Licensed Practical Nurse and worked in all areas of hospital nursing for 24 years. When she was 38 she went back to college for a Bachelor’s Degree in Psychology and followed it with a Master of Clinical Social Work Degree. She is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and has practiced psychotherapy for the past 23 years. Her various experiences in working in the traditional medical and mental health arenas provided her with a solid basis in the western approaches to mental illness and psychological distress. She is also a voracious reader in the areas of self-help, spirituality and mysticism, eastern philosophy, quantum physics, ancient archeology, UFOlogy, and also in therapeutic techniques such as Emotional Facilitation, Tapping and Dialectal Behavioral Theory. Fractal S is currently writing and publishing material based upon her own life experience and study, sees clients in therapy, and provides women’s retreats focused on balancing the male and female energies within and without, as well as teaching others to step outside the fiction of their own stories to learn the skills necessary for creating reality consciously. Her goal is to help others through their process of raising vibration, while continuing to raise her own. Fractal S lives in Salt Lake City in her 100 year old home with her partner. She loves to immerse herself in the red desert of the American Southwest, read, meditate, explore consciousness, paint and create art, write, and spend time with her children and grandchildren. She has two dogs, one cat, and a very large, very old gold fish in her backyard pond.

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Copyright © 2017 Fractal S.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

ISBN: 978-1-5043-8846-7 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5043-8847-4 (e)

Balboa Press rev. date:  10/27/2017

CONTENTS

Preface

Gratitude

Stuff Before Chapter One

The Backdrop

Part One

The Story

Chapter 1:  The Setting

Chapter 2:  Adolescence:

The Reinforcement Of Core Beliefs

Chapter 3:  Early Adulthood:

The Long Lesson,

Epiphanies, And Other Miracles

Chapter 4:  The Gift

Chapter 5:  Cancer

Chapter 6:  Adventures In Consciousness:

Gods, Realities, Science, And Perceptions

Part Two

I Am

Chapter 1:  Adventures In Consciousness

(Journal Entries Before The Story Collapse)

Chapter 2:  Embrasing The Gifts

The Great Rediscovery

Part Three

Recipe For Conscious Manifestation

The Essential Element Of Manifestation

The Recipe For Conscious Manifestation

Afterthought

Definitions

New discoveries in recent years are overturning the last 150 years of scientific thinking. The old story that’s been embedded in our lives for generations is no longer valid and no longer serves us in healthy ways. We have the rare opportunity to rid ourselves of this old story and create a new story that offers tremendous self-healing, new sustainable solutions and stronger family and community bonds.

In order to create this new story, we must first do what our ancestors did before science and technology prevailed in our world. We have to tune into our heart-intelligence.

—Gregg Braden

Resilience From The Heart (Hay House 2015)

PREFACE

J anuary 2014. My ex-husband and I had been divorced for 14 years, bumping into each other at family gatherings for the kids and grandkids. I texted him with a reminder to send his annual check for his share of the amount of the money that we were depositing into the grandkids accounts. He responded he would. The next day he texted me saying he didn’t see any reason why the two of us should ever communicate again.

I was dumbfounded. What had changed? The discomfort of seeing each other at family events had long been resolved, or so I thought, and we had always communicated about the kids and grandkids when necessary. I felt hurt and offended. The old feelings that I thought I had exorcised, the ones of anger and resentment, overwhelmed me. I responded with a terrible text. The second I pushed the send button, I regretted it. That wasn’t me and hadn’t been me for a very long time.

In an instant of enlightenment, what I had believed was the truth about my life I realized was a fiction of my own making, a story I’d told myself and everyone else about who I was. With certainty, I knew he and I had agreed to play roles for each other to facilitate our learning and everything had always been exactly perfect. I’d chosen my experience with him, and I was as much a part of the designing of that shared experience as he was. On an intellectual level, I’d known this. But I felt it at a deeper level where intellect and emotion blend into one knowing.

I forgave him. I forgave myself. Then I realized there was nothing to forgive.

I was flooded with insight and began writing for clarification. Then I began to write a book. I became totally immersed in a process begun by that incident. I felt myself accelerating so fast that soon I couldn’t focus on writing the book and stopped writing it at Chapter 6. My book slid to the back shelf of my mind.

Months later someone from a publishing company where I had expressed interest called. Where’s your book? She tried to back me into a finish date. I dodged and made excuses about being busy. She let me know she wasn’t buying it. What I didn’t tell her, what I hadn’t clearly seen myself, was I was still writing it every day in my journal. After a lifetime of wanting to know answers to the big questions of who I was, why we are here, and whether or not there is a God, I was having experiences that were closing in on some answers.

This book is in three parts: first a description of my story as I told it before my enlightenment, the second was my process of finding God, and the third part is a recipe for stepping outside one’s story and into possibilities. I’ve analyzed my experience to clarify the steps I took in the hope that it will help others in their own process of becoming. It will be another thought map into conscious manifestation, like the ones I found and followed. There are many, but all lead to becoming masters of manifestation through channeling the God Consciousness.

I am discovering what I knew as a small child about my connection to what I called God. It’s with a lot of insecurity and more than a little fear that I have gone through with exposing myself by writing this book. Is this real, or am I full of shit? Is what I’m writing valuable to anyone else? Sometimes I don’t know. When I questioned this, I received the answer, It is what you asked for, Fractal S. The universe is delivering.

I approach this project with open expectation, happy to have envisioned where I want to go and knowing that the process of my expanding consciousness is still continuing. It is never finished. My intention is to raise my own vibration and to help others do the same with the larger goal of saving our species from certain extinction unless we heal the earth through healing ourselves.

I am so full of gratitude for this earth, for my life, my family, my partner, my career, my home, my privileges, all of the real life teachers I’ve had, and all of my experiences.

I can’t wait to see what comes next.

Fractal S

GRATITUDE

I want to express gratitude to those who have been my teachers. Thank you to my parents who taught me to love learning. They taught me to think critically and to question the status quo. To my siblings who grew up alongside me, assuming the roles that fit into our family constellation. I want to especially acknowledge my older sister, #2, who loved me purely and still does. She took me to her home in North Dakota at a very low point in my life that was heavy with cancer treatment and despair. I healed in her hot tub and was renewed to begin chemotherapy upon return to my life. Gratitude to my children. They have shown incredible strength in their own struggles and I am so proud of the adults they have become. And to my sons in law. I couldn’t love them more if I had given birth to them myself. Gratitude to my beautiful grandchildren, the loves of my life. They are in their own processes of becoming and I am so excited to see what they will do with their gifts. Gratitude to the artist who created the cover of this book. When I asked him to do the cover, he agreed without any hesitation. He is a beautiful man who has incredible artistic ability. Gratitude to my ex-husband of 27 years. He was my worthy opponent for nearly three decades. Through that relationship I learned the some of the biggest lessons of my life and I truly appreciate that experience with him. I hope he feels similarly. Gratitude to my partner. He was an unexpected gift in my life and showed me that it is safe to be authentic and use my voice. I have gratitude for my friends. They have joined me in my many adventures to track down God. And I have immense gratitude for all my teachers through books. I could go on forever naming them, but I won’t. They guided me through some pretty rough terrain. I am grateful for all the people traversing this experience in our world. Many of them are suffering so incredibly. Their sacrifices expose our societies, our leaders, and ourselves so that we can identify who we are morally and ethically. Bless them. And I am grateful for the beauty and magic of this world, the music and art that is so sweet, and for the opportunities I have had. In the words sung by the raspy voice of Louis Armstrong who expressed it beautifully, And I think to myself, what a wonderful world.

The revolution of scientific understanding suggests that from our personal health and relationships to global war and peace, the reality of our lives is nothing more and nothing less than our belief waves shaping the quantum stuff that everything is made from. It’s all related to what we accept about our world, our capabilities, our limits, and ourselves.

Excerpted from pages x to xii of Spontaneous Healing of Belief, by Gregg Braden. Copyright © 2008 (Hay House).

STUFF BEFORE CHAPTER ONE

C onsider how fast the legality of gay marriage became a reality once it had gained a critical mass of supporters. It started slowly, then state laws against it began to topple. Those who supported it and worked for it were stunned as court after court countrywide declared the laws against gay marriage unconstitutional. I can proudly declare that my home state of Utah was one of the first to challenge the laws of an old way of thinking. A deluge of people took advantage of same sex marriage before the window temporarily closed again while the state government contested the federal judge’s ruling. Changing the status quo is like trying to put leggings on an active toddler. There is a lot of wailing and thrashing about.

So much more change is coming: the right to have access to the means to end one’s own life with dignity, the right to experiment with consciousness using (now declared illegal) substances, the recognition of all of mankind and of all creation as being part of one organism and one consciousness, the decision by mankind to heal the earth before she eliminates the bulk of us in order to regain her balance, and the possibility of worldwide peace and respect for the divinity of everyone.

At times, it seems impossible that these things could happen. Instantaneous and worldwide communication personally involves us in every tragic or deviant event that happens anywhere. It feeds us our reality, and we tend to let that happen with very few questions about who is in control and why the information provided to the masses is what it is. If one digs deeper than what is presented on mainstream media it becomes clear that a lot of important information is conspicuously missing and there are some entities, well concealed, but very rich and powerful, who are managing common awareness in such a way that they are benefiting financially and shuttling resources their way. This may be something we will see change when a critical mass of people challenges the validity of the story presented to us. This is precisely what appears to be happening in the US and in every part of the world. People are rising up against the political and social status quo and revolution is in the air. Social media is the new way of structuring our reality according to our interests and beliefs. Its potential to provoke change is amazing. It’s also unpredictable and can be suspect.

I want to say something about critical mass. There is a story called The Hundredth Monkey. As I understand it, some scientists were observing primates on an island in New Guiney. Each day they would throw sweet potatoes onto the sandy beach for the primates. I don’t know what behavior they were studying. But at some point, the scientist noticed that the matriarch of the group walked out into the ocean and rinsed off her sweet potato before eating it.

Ok, I hear you say. What is so interesting about that? Even lower primates probably don’t like getting sand between their teeth. But the scientists noticed that the primates in that singular group on that particular island all started to wash their sweet potatoes off in the ocean before eating them.

Ok, I hear you say again. We all know primates can imitate and learn from experience. That’s basic behavioral learning, isn’t it?

Now comes the startling part, the part that is seen over and over again in situations where a small thing becomes generalized to the larger mass. It is reported that without any direct connection with this group, monkeys all over the local islands began to walk into the ocean to rinse off their sweet potatoes before eating them.

On some higher level of consciousness there appears to be communication which happens when there are enough individuals to tip the balance just enough to move the whole mass. It doesn’t have to be anywhere near a majority, just enough to cause movement…a critical mass. This explains how our society changed concerning gay marriage and the surprising switch in government policy and social mainstream attitudes.

This is the beginning. As critical mass builds, attitudes will change, establishments will be modified or collapse making way for new ones. It is entirely up to us to choose what will replace them. What many of us have been missing is that personal change is the foundation of social change in the shared story of our species. A critical mass is required to tip the balance in favor of peace, fairness, and kindness.

Everyone has their own story which they repeat to themselves and others nonstop. Our brains are continually editing environmental data, arranging it according to our paradigms of belief, assessing it as we evaluate and judge others, ourselves, and events around us. Our stories often conflict with the stories of others who were also there at the time. We consider our facts to be true, as do others. When our beliefs don’t coincide with theirs, we firmly believe our own version of the story and even hard-core evidence isn’t likely to change our minds.

Why is this? How many times have you been told that things didn’t really happen the way you remember them? How many times have you told someone else they only remember what they want to remember, while believing you don’t do this yourself? Are we trying to be dishonest about things? Not normally. We tend to REALLY believe that everything happened the way we remember and that we are justified in proclaiming that our perspective is the right one. Yet, the evidence shows that everyone has their own version of the truth when it comes to the recollection of the same event or situations.

The main reason for the fluidity and faultiness of memory is that we incorporate our perception of events as viewed through the lens of our preconceived beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world. These beliefs are well established and solidified by about the age of 7 or 8 when we have developed a core system of beliefs that form the structure of our lives. They tell us who we are. They tell us what the world is. Everyone does this. This is how personality is shaped and molded from the structure of our genetics, assimilated into our unique dispositions, and acted upon by environmental forces. It is how we attribute meaning to our lives, how we connect with others, how we function. Although it is a natural process, it isn’t without inherent problems.

We develop the story of self, believe it, allow it to direct us, and form our personal reality. It limits us if we don’t understand this, leaving us to revolve around in the fairytale of ourselves indefinitely. As we identify our story and develop the ability to step outside of it, we become conscious of the freedom to create the life we want. In my case, it led to the discovery of who I am, who we all are, and what existence is all about.

Many philosophers through the ages have discovered this before me. This is nothing new. This knowledge is part of indigenous cultures across the world. My favorite philosopher is one Carlos Castaneda wrote about in his books. Don Juan Matis was a Yaqui Indian living in the Sonoran Desert of Mexico who took Castaneda on as an apprentice. He was a brujo, a medicine man who was regarded by many of the locals as crazy. Castaneda has since been accused of making up some of the fantastic material in his books about his apprenticeship. However, the philosophy presented is intact and is the same across many nonwestern cultures.

Don Juan told Carlos he had a violent nature and, therefore, his experiences and his perceptions were flavored by it. This construction of self applies to all of us. At a time when quantum mechanics was an unknown concept to all but physicists, Juan, an uneducated man, was teaching it to Carlos.

Don Juan talked about having no personal history. When I first read this, I interpreted it as him saying we must abandon our relationships in order to delve into non-ordinary reality (consciousness). I felt a similar way about the Buddhist notion of non-attachment. I was wrong in my naïve interpretations. They both are saying that you have to let go of expectations, let go of your story so that you can integrate new information. It’s about stepping outside of your story and allowing it to change, realizing it isn’t anything more than a story. It’s about letting go of resistance