The Covered

By Alexis Nicole White

Upon graduating from Purdue University in 2008, Alexis Nicole White decides to relocate to the Land of Opportunity – Atlanta, Georgia. Like most women, the way she viewed success was to be loved while being in-love in a healthy, growing and satisfying relationship. As she pursues her dreams, her burning passion for journalism grows cold. W

• Language: English
• Publisher: Alexis Nicole White Media
• Release date: Mar 8, 2016
• ISBN: 9781519433695

Book preview

Epilogue 209

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS:

First and foremost, giving glory and honor to my heavenly father: Jesus Christ. Thank you so much for your love, grace and mercy. Next, to my mother: Dr. Sheila L. Sherman. Your love for me is everlasting. Thank you

Secondly, to RVN:

There are no words to describe how proud I am of you. Sometimes, I sit in awe

Who would have thought? The things that we have been through have made me appreciate you even more, loving you for who you are and not focus on who you’re not. Thank you for being a friend.

Finally, to all of the black women out there:

This is just my story. Thank you for receiving it as my truth based upon my experiences and my lessons learned. I want to encourage you to not be afraid to share your story. Only God knows why you have experienced the things that you have experienced. There is no need to be ashamed. But give glory to Him that you are a survivor. Be encouraged

PRELUDE:

Have you ever wondered aloud, “How did I get here?” I have many times. It is astonishing how quickly one’s life can spiral out of control. It happens gently. Moment by moment, day after day, you become consumed; bombarded with your life’s situations and conditions.

Initially, you get more and more involved with the process of your overall daily life. You adjust to an intense routine, which builds up a habit. You develop your routine so swiftly that you do not realize the days have flown by. Before you recognize it, you’ve moved so fast that you didn’t actually have time to cogitate about the options and decisions you’ve taken in. You simply manage it; going with the stream of your life’s routine. Without having time to reflect, you don’t process that you have made a ‘questionable’ decision until it’s too late.

Immediately, you feel lost; frustrated and befuddled. During the process, you misplaced your sense of direction and the ability to recall distinctly. Your thoughts hinder you from being able to eat or sleep. Gradually, you become so consumed with a mistake that you cannot change. The regret starts to form. The self-condemnation builds. The resentment takes root; now you’re angry.

Oh, the tactile sensation of regret.

Instinctively, you scrutinize that one isolated incident over and over again. Becoming more invested in your mistake by giving it your time, feelings and emotions.

For some, it eventually affects their quality of life. One mistake defines them in unimaginable ways. It’s not that they are weak people; it’s that they are tired. Tired of combating the drama that they can no longer change. They’ve been held captive by all that has happened. Therefore, all they see if that one mistake.

All of this could have been prevented, had I

Now, you do not recognize yourself, your life or your environment. You are the same. Your family is the same. Your home is the same but you are in a strange place. It is both unfamiliar and uncomfortable. It’s dark, lonely and scary. It is painful and it hurts.

Everything you knew to be true has drastically changed.

How did I get here?

Some of us try to make sense of it by finding a purpose for it. We leverage our faith in God or some other higher being. We convince ourselves with scriptures that everything has its place and purpose. We try to pray it out. But others? They just don’t ever recover from it.

People lose their minds. Every day, someone gives up and commits suicide. Others become exceptionally violent and commit heinous acts of crime. A small fraction experience a form of denial and tries to conceal it by repairing what is broken.

There is no real way to gauge how someone will process the emotions they encounter.

If I wasn’t a loved child of God

I’m not sure where I would be.

I have always tried to do what is right. I never intentionally looked for trouble. Yet it has always seemed to find me. Gracefully, if it wasn’t for my troubles, I wouldn’t know who I really am. Nor would I know what I am truly made of. Some people call it, “calamity”. Others call it, “adversity.” I call it “life,” because at some point, we will meet her face-to-face.

The difference is this: how are you going to respond when disaster strikes? Are you going to let that one experience make you? Or, will you let it break you? Will you be bold, courageous and fearless? Will you be resilient and preserve? Or, will you just stop when it doesn’t work out in your favor? Will you become angry with God when your prayers aren’t answered? Will you turn your back on everything you believed in, because you’ve failed? Or, will you try again?

As a child, I was raised by good hearted grandparents. I learned to treat people the way that I would like to be treated. It was a foundational principle in my household. I assumed that everyone operated with the same level of integrity. Ha! Wasn’t I fooled? I thought respect is given. Then, I’ve heard someone say that it’s earned. Well, I learned that even if you earn it that doesn’t mean it will be given to you.

Like everything else, I would later learn the rarity of honesty. Shamefully, transparency is almost a collector’s item. If you find someone that reveals their inner most private thoughts, you better keep them. Most filter their emotions; not expressing their true feelings.

However, throughout my life, I have been very open. I’ve tried to constantly operate with having a high-level of integrity. I have been told, “Alexis, you’re too honest.” Imagine that? I have been encouraged to refrain from expressing ‘too much’ information. That’s been very problematic for me. I don’t know how to be private. My family and I talk about any and everything.

When I like someone, I am very genuine and sincere. I have your back; until you show me otherwise. Typically, I will give you the benefit of the doubt; treating people the way that I would like to be treated.

I grew up unassuming that there are just bad people in this world. There are people who intentionally try to contaminate the good in you by poisoning your heart; affecting your joy.

When I tell you, the devil will surely use people to steal, kill and destroy you. He will use any and everything to defeat you. He will try to steal your joy, kill your spirit and destroy your faith. However, your joy is to not allow him to have that much power over you.

Easier said than done.

He will use your family, friends and careers – anything of importance to you to steal, kill and destroy.

Throughout my life, I’ve experienced a series of events that enlightened me to a whole new world. What I learned from life and what I was told to expect of life felt like two different things. Perhaps, it wasn’t adequately explained to me. Maybe I tuned it out. Nevertheless, I wish I would have been better prepared as a maturing woman. I had no idea what to expect. Perhaps, I bought into the fairytale of what happens when boy meets girl. Who knows?! All I know is that there are more components to life than integrity. Yet, it is the most compromised trait we have.

Although I have always tried to make the right choices, I have not always made the right decisions. Undeniably, I will admit it. I have made some very poor choices and very questionable decisions. Yet, I will always defend the decisions that I have made. I did what I thought was best at the time. Sometimes, the best decision is also the worst one. That’s a fact of life, it’s called “a catch 22.”

I am a thinker. I can analyze just about anything. I can measure every reasonable pro and con from both angles in order to form a decision. Some call it riding the fence; other calls it being strategic. Most people say it’s calculating. I say it’s considering all the facts. Every now and then, my decisions are impulsive and emotional. For the most part, they are not.

My decision to move to Atlanta was one of the not so well thought out plans. Granted, I was 24-years-old at the time, I still knew better. However, knowing better and actually doing better are two different things. Another lesson I learned was to actually do better; not to just know it.

What I am about to share with you is a very truthful detail of my journey. The stories that I share with you are honest; the character names have changed. While I do not particularly have a reason to protect anyone from their behaviors and decisions, I do have to protect myself from accusations of slander and defamation of character.

However, as God as my witness, these are accurate stories.

Yep, I’m probably talking about you. Ump.

I felt compelled to share my story because over the years, I have realized that what has happened to me is not an isolated incident. When I have spoken to others, especially women, I felt bad for sharing. I have been attacked. Women insinuate that because this is not their reality that what I am sharing is essentially an isolated incident that I allowed to happen. Or that I have made it up. It is not. Especially, when it comes to women in the church. There is this great divide amongst us. If the person you’re communicating with is not able to relate to your story or struggle, then it is rejected as false evidence. The thought is that the woman has invited her problems into her life. “If you were holy like Christ, this wouldn’t have happened to you,” or something to that effect. You’re being attacked because your desires for a quality of life is different from theirs. Your morals, values and beliefs are different.

Then, it is the cliques; the wives verse the singles.

The wives, especially the newlywed wives, forget what it was like to be single. They forget what it means to date, court and then get married. They pretend they woke up married one day. Now, they’re an expert at marriage. Let’s not forget the expedited marriages; the women who were blessed to have a Moses moment where God dropped their husband out of the sky. They met and were married within a year’s time. But what they don’t tell you is the struggle they endure to make their marriage work. They don’t bother to mention what feelings or emotions they had before they were married; all they know is life after marriage.

Then, women are: shamed for being a single mother, humiliated for being guilty by proxy and criticized so much that we go into a shell; discouraged from wanting to seek the help they need. Truthfully, all you want to do is find your happiness. That’s what everybody on this planet wants: happiness, peace and love. We all pursue it but rarely find all three at one time. However, because you were transparent enough to admit your sins (as the bible encourages us to do) to one another, now you’re the problem. All you tried to do was being happy. You protected your dreams and visions like everyone else. You wanted to be happy, like everyone else.

Thus, it feels like we create selective personas. One for the truth, and those most intimate relationships. The other for the church; appearing to be “holier than thou.” We mask what is affecting us. We don’t share what’s hurting us. We pretend to be independent women of faith, rather than coming together to help heal a wounded woman; broken by Satan and his attacks.

Now, she’s being victimized all over again; especially by those who are supposed to help edify her.

No one deserves to feel inferior to any other human being. Everyone deserves respect; while you may not accept their personal choices and decisions, you do have to respect their personal choices. Every woman deserves the right to feel loveable, valuable and worthy to have healthy, prosperous relationships. Every woman deserves the right to maintain relationships that are free from shaming, humiliation and ridicule. Each relationship should be thriving and refreshing; not a tedious task or chore to maintain.

One of the reasons why I am re-defining what emotional abuse is because many women believe that if it’s not physical, it’s not abuse. That is simply not true. There are various forms of abuse that affect your emotional state of mind. They are: verbal, financial, sexual and physical types of abuse. Now, people can further abuse you by exploiting your risqué pictures online; to shame and humiliate you.

Emotional abuse is alive and well. Contrary to popular belief, emotional abuse is not just something that happens from parent to child, or occur in teenage love affairs. Adult women face emotional distress in their relationships, daily. It can be with a significant other, family member or even “friends.”

Collectively, emotional abuse is defined by the experts as being anything that subjects or exposes a person to a behavior that may result in psychological trauma. This includes anxiety, chronic depression and even post-traumatic stress disorder. It also leads to emotional scarring and pain. It is when individuals use coercion, manipulation or any disapproval tactics to force another individual to conform to their ideals and behaviors.

Inevitably, the victim loses their self-confidence, self-worth and self-concept.

Women are guilty for abusing other women when they berate or belittle another woman for her personal choices and decisions. They use their words of guidance, advice and even wisdom to further insinuate, criticize or even accuse her of being stupid. All of these things affect a woman’s self-esteem because she begins to feel as though she is incapable of accessing a situation realistically for herself; victimizing her all over again, now she begins to blame herself for her problems.

I am telling my story because this happened to me. And I was unaware that I had been emotionally traumatized by people I loved and people who I perceived