Rising from Abuse: Understanding & Changing Controlling Relationships

By Todd L. Pearson

Rising from Abuse empowers you to quickly mend abusive relationships through Visual Learning!

The 3 “C”s and “D”s identify why abuse happens to you, and how to change relationships in a positive way. They give you immediate strength to confront all controlling behaviors.

You will also learn how to choose healthy companions, and not repeat past mistakes! And, the new principles of self-healing will bring you lasting inner peace. A happier and more fulfilling life is ahead!

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Jan 20, 2021
• ISBN: 9781664208926

Todd L. Pearson

Todd L. Pearson is a Relationship and Life Coach, and former Mental Health Specialist. In his 40 years of counseling, Todd has treated 5,000+ individuals worldwide, and has authored two books including Rising from Abuse. He also teaches seminars, and enjoys hiking and other outdoor activities. Todd and his wife, Marian, currently reside in Utah.

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Copyright © 2021 Todd L. Pearson.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means,

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except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

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views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

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and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Scripture taken from the King James Version of the Bible.

ISBN: 978-1-6642-0891-9 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-6642-0890-2 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-6642-0892-6 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2020920183

WestBow Press rev. date: 01/13/2021

Contents

Acknowledgements

Introduction

SECTION 1

UNDERSTANDING ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS

1 Emotions: The Substance of Relationships

2 Three Vital Cs of Relationships

The First 2 Vital Cs

The Law of Intimate Attraction

The Third Vital C

3 Emotional Honesty: The Key to Emotional Maturity

4 The 3 Cs Behavioral Model: Visually Understanding Abusive Relationships

5 Continuum #1: Self-Image

6 Continuum #2: Personal Needs

7 Continuum #3: Boundaries

8 Continuum #4: Emotional Expressions

9 Continuum #5: A Higher Power

A Word of Caution in Dating Relationships

Discussing the 3 Cs with Your Partner

A Gift to Your Family & Friends

SECTION 2

CHANGING ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS

10 Leaving Your Comfort Zone

11 Increasing Your Self-Worth

Loving Yourself Unconditionally

Identifying Your Individual Strengths

Overcoming Negative Thoughts

12 The S-O-S Method For Personal Development

13 The Pareto Principle: The 80/20 Rule for Simplifying Your Life

14 Two Needs Lists: The 80/20 Rule of Organizing for Self-Empowerment

15 Listing & Ranking Your Long-Range Priorities

16 Identifying Your Short-Term Needs: The Foundation for Setting Boundaries

17 Setting Healthy Boundaries: Taking Back Control Without Controlling

18 The Boundaries Rule In Relationships

19 Strengthening Personal Boundaries: Using the Vital 3 Ds

20 Case Studies Using The 3 Ds

21 What if My Abuser Threatens to Leave?

22 Mastering Daily Habits for Setting Boundaries

23 The New 3 Cs of Healthy Relationships

24 If Your Partner is Conforming

25 12 Rules for Healthy Communication

26 Using a Higher Power in Abusive Relationships

27 Protecting Children from Abusive Caregivers

28 Learning to Forgive Your Abuser

29 Summary Review: The Essentials of this Book

Acknowledgements

Producing a book of this caliber could not be possible without the many individuals who have had a lasting influence on my life.

To begin, I am indebted to my many undergraduate and graduate college professors, who laid the foundation for my understanding of human behavior. They inspired me to pursue a career in the mental health and counseling fields, and facilitated a lifelong career of helping others in need.

I’m also grateful for my experiences as a Mental Health Specialist in several mental health centers. Rubbing shoulders with giants in the counseling profession truly gave me a great education far beyond the classroom, making my degree in psychology a license to learn. These mentors, in fact, became the springboard for my inventing a new, proactive psychotherapy—the life and relationships coaching curriculums that have been my career focus for over 40 years. Combined, they really change controlling relationships, and are interwoven throughout this book.

In addition, I’d also like to thank my 5,000 plus clients who have allowed me to serve them and hone my skills, both as a relationship coach and a life coach. I have detailed many of their experiences here. Like most publications that disclose real-life experiences, the names of individuals noted herein have been changed to protect their identities. But the stories are real, and you will identify with them.

Above all, I appreciate my dear wife, Marian, for her constant support while writing this manuscript. We collaborated on this venture; she allowed me the time it required, and helped me immensely throughout the process. Her intuitive writing suggestions and editing skills were vital to complete this lengthy project. Also, after struggling to find an appropriate name for the book’s title, she kindly suggested: Rising from Abuse. I really do thank her for this insight; I never would have thought of this unique title on my own. It truly captures the magic of personal development for self-healing, and changing controlling relationships.

It has been said that life’s hardest experiences become our best teachers. I certainly concur. My experiences in relationships have further solidified the psycho-dynamics illustrated in these pages. I can assure you, I have walked the walk. Nobody can write a book of this magnitude without having been there. Learning these vital truths through experience is the pinnacle of all learning. I thank God for these experiences. And you are the beneficiary.

Introduction

Life is not easy even in the most favorable of circumstances. At times, we all experience feelings of fear, frustration and hopelessness due to stressful relationships. To illustrate this, I will share an example of someone I randomly encountered.

One day several years ago, as a speed walker, I was utilizing the indoor track at my local recreation center. Just as I rounded the turn on the oval, I noticed a middle-aged woman stopped in my lane, facing me on the straight-a-way. She was at least 100 feet ahead, and waiting for me to reach her! It was really quite bizarre, to say the least.

This woman obviously wanted to get my attention. When I got up to her, she said, You’re Todd, aren’t you? I responded, Yes, I am. Do I know you? You should, she said. I attended your ‘Overcoming Controlling Relationships’ class three months ago. I quickly apologized for not remembering her. I then asked, So, how did you like the class? It was great! she said. I read my notes every day.

Her name was Cathy. She then revealed that she had a very manipulative mother, and that she really appreciated the class in learning how to respond to her mother’s controlling gestures. (I suspected this toxic relationship started when Cathy was very young.)

Do you need any more help from me? I asked. She went on to explain that the notes she took and the handouts I provided would be sufficient. She was making real progress in conditioning her mother to be less self-centered and to respect her more. I truly admired Cathy’s courage to take the steps necessary, through the personal development principles I taught her, to gain a new sense-of-self that her mother had thwarted.

I saw Cathy at the track many times over the next several weeks, waving to her from a distance. Invariably, she seemed to be in good spirits. It was apparent that she was able to come to grips with her situation, and achieve better self-worth.

Cathy’s experience is like so many others who have attended my workshops, or became clients. Comments like, You saved my marriage, or I have so much more peace and respect in my life, predominate discussions with attendees long after the training is over. Other common responses are both insightful and introspective: I didn’t know that I manifested a controlling personality, or I now know why my marriage failed; I wished I would have met you sooner.

Whether the controlling or abusive relationship you are currently in is within your own marriage, a dating relationship, at work with a boss or co-worker, with your neighbor, an in-law, or other family member, Rising from Abuse is for you! It really teaches you how to successfully navigate these difficult, stressful relationships. You can truly change the direction in which they are moving, and do so quickly! In fact, I have seen controlling relationships change almost overnight! In the book, you will read many success stories from my clients.

Some of you are also at wits end and are ready to leave a controlling relationship. Before doing so, please give it one more chance. I really believe this book will change the focus of your life and your relationship, with new insights that other publications have lacked.

In addition, many of our readers are single, but have previously been in abusive relationships. As a result, they wonder what a healthy relationship really is. You may relate to their fears of entering into another dysfunctional one, and wish to stay out of relationships altogether. But you don’t have to resign to staying alone, unless you really want to be alone.

Therefore, I’m asking you to not throw in the towel. With these principles, you will learn how to accurately predict the outcome of your current and even future dating relationships, so that you never make the same mistakes again! As you know, ending a relationship, especially a marriage, can be very costly in many ways.

You will learn the unique science of the 3 Cs: Controlling, Conforming, and Confronting—visual psychodynamics which are highlighted in three behavioral columns. Ironically, the 3 Cs greatly interrelate with each other, both in creating and healing abusive relationships!

Then, to empower yourself in changing abusive relationships, you will experience the magic of the 3 Ds: Declaring, Declining, and Delaying. These three amazing, easy-to-remember words are the capstone of proven techniques detailed herein, that give you immediate strength in setting healthier boundaries. They really fortify you to counteract any controlling personalities.

Rising from Abuse is divided into two main sections: Understanding Abusive Relationships, and Changing Abusive Relationships. Both sections are the product of several decades of experiences in my life, as a relationship and life coach, helping over 5,000 clients. Both curriculums are detailed in this book; each plan of action adds new insights into managing controlling relationships that have never before been revealed in other publications!

The crucial Understanding section is the foundation for implementing the Changing section in your own relationship. Please study these chapters carefully. In this 1st section, you will better understand yourself, your own role in the relationship, how abuse is created, and why it continues to occur.

The ancient Greek philosopher, Socrates, who predated modern psychology, stated that the most important component of any healthy relationship is this principle: Know Thyself! This insightful declaration over 2,000 years ago means acknowledging your strengths, your weaknesses, and your own emotional honesty. I couldn’t agree more! I also add this: When you know yourself, you will truly know the other person. Until then, you both are lost in the relationship, not being grounded with critical understanding that empowers change.

Thus, the Understanding section, which covers chapters 1-9, really enables you to see yourself and your partner as pieces of a complex abusive puzzle with absolute clarity. You will visualize how these puzzle pieces interlock with each other—the causes and effects, or domino effect. Changing these relationships then becomes so much easier!

Another unique feature of Rising from Abuse is Visual Learning at its best. Most people experience better long-term learning when concepts are visually presented in easy-to-understand graphs, continuums, and charts. This means that visual imaging is much more enlightening than just words on a page.