The Expectation Gap: Change Your Expectations to Transform Your Relationships

By Jamie Hallman

There is often a major gap between the expectations we hold and the reality of what we experience. This gap is what causes so much of the discomfort and discontentment we feel, especially within our relationships. The Expectation Gap is your guide to bridging this divide. In a world flooded with vague self-help advice, this book stands out by providing not just the "what" and "why" of self-improvement but also the crucial "how."

Written in an engaging and conversational tone, this book adeptly navigates complex topics, ensuring ease of understanding. It transcends vague encouragement, providing specific insights into how expectations influence relationships, providing a compelling reason to desire and initiate change. Blending science, psychology, personal anecdotes, and biblical principles, this book embarks on a captivating journey, shedding light on this essential aspect of relationships, providing both clarity and depth.

It's not just a book; it's an immersive experience that sparks a mindset shift. As you complete the application exercises and apply the principles within, you'll undergo a transformation in your relationships, creating a ripple effect that extends into every aspect of your life.

Say goodbye to generic advice and embrace a journey of self-discovery and improvement with The Expectation Gap. It's time to bridge the gap between what you expect and what you experience. Are you ready for the change?

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: May 22, 2023
• ISBN: 9781667888941

Book preview

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The Expectation Gap

© 2023 Jamie Hallman

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.

ISBN 978-1-66788-893-4

eBook ISBN 978-1-66788-894-1

Table of Contents

Introduction

CHAPTER 1:

The Science Behind Expectations

CHAPTER 2:

Positive Outcomes of Healthy Expectations

CHAPTER 3:

Negative Consequences of Poorly Managed Expectations

CHAPTER 4:

Expectations and Their Effect on Relationships

CHAPTER 5:

Identifying Your Expectations

CHAPTER 6:

Setting Your Expectations

CHAPTER 7:

Communicating Your Expectations

CHAPTER 8:

Maintaining Healthy Relationships

Afterword

Introduction

What if I told you that behind every argument, disagreement, disappointment and frustration you have ever experienced, there is one main underlying cause? What if this one thing is also the catalyst for so many of our victories, excitement, contentment and gratitude? Even more, what if I told you this simple concept is completely within your own ability to control and change? Wouldn’t you want to know what it is so you could learn to utilize it for all of the positive effects it can bring into your life and also prevent, or at least reduce, the negative? Of course you would! We all want to increase positivity and reduce negativity in our lives, in as much as we are able to. Most of us simply do not know how to do this or do not feel that we have the power to. I’m here to tell you more about this one thing, this subtle yet powerful root behind so many of our personal and relational difficulties and successes. I’m talking about expectations.

They are something that all people have, whether conscious or subconscious, and their effects are woven into almost every interaction we have. Some of the most hurtful and devastating effects, however, often come from expectations that you do not even know you hold. Others may know their expectations exist, but can’t easily identify where they originated from or why they are so important to them. There is often a major gap between the expectations we hold and the reality of what we experience. This gap is what causes so much of the discomfort and discontentment we feel, especially in our relationships. I don’t just want to talk about expectations and how they impact us, but I want to share with you how you can learn to use these same expectations in your favor – to create healthy and vibrant relationships in almost every area of your life. Imagine being able to improve your relationships with your coworkers, boss, friends, spouse/significant other, sister/brother, mother and father, all by changing one area of your thoughts. Your thoughts might not necessarily change, but your expectations will, and you will be amazed at the results. I know, I know, it sounds too good to be true. If it were that simple and easy, then why isn’t everyone abounding in healthy relationships? Well, while this concept is simple, it is not easy, nor even natural for many. There is a reason that undisciplined and uncommunicated expectations are the most common among us, and there is also a reason why these very expectations often lead to disappointment more than encouragement. Not all expectations are created equal, and not all are helpful. Throughout this book, together we will explore the difference between realistic and unrealistic expectations, between those that serve us and our relationships well and those that bring harm.

I started writing this book because I knew I had a message to share with others that could truly change lives, largely through relationships and our mindsets behind them. In addition to my experiential knowledge, I feel uniquely qualified to delve into this topic as a result of my previous years of providing health coaching to hundreds of people as a Registered Dietitian as well as currently running a successful company that I started on my own. The former involved counseling individuals and groups on how to adjust their behaviors and mindsets in order to achieve their larger goals while the latter refined my own ability to do the same. Both personally and professionally, I have learned the significance of the lessons within this book and have been able to teach others to apply them to their own lives. I’ve seen just how powerful and healing this process of redefining expectations has been in so many lives and I want everyone to have this – to experience the peace and joy that comes from having loving relationships full of grace and understanding, even amid their imperfections.

By understanding the many different expectations that you hold, not only for yourself but equally important for others, you will unleash the power to then change and shape these expectations and ultimately, your relationships with others. This book was born out of many years of my own relational hurts and mistakes, and conversations with others experiencing the same. I have not exactly followed the normal trajectory in life that most do. I moved from an incredibly small town filled with pastures and tractors to five different states within six years. I went through a painful divorce and sought counseling to work through some of the issues that spurred it on. I left a stable relationship with my boyfriend of two years (who is now my husband) and my eight-year career as a Registered Dietitian to go live in a different country every month for 11 consecutive months on a very atypical overseas mission trip called the World Race. I eventually ended up starting my own company providing real estate services to agents just two years after obtaining my real estate license and being in the industry. The list goes on. While some of these experiences make for a fun round of three truths and a lie, the most remarkable thing to come out of it all is contained within the pages of this book.

On a personal level, I used to constantly get my feelings hurt in relationships, especially regarding my family and love interests. One of the most common lies I believed for the longest time was that I always loved others more than they loved me. This skewed thought permeated through my heart to my perspective and became my belief system. As a result, when someone did not show me love in the way I preferred or expected, I would automatically assume it was because they did not care, that they did not love me to the same degree as I did them. You can imagine the kind of pain and sorrow that followed this type of logic. I spent years dwelling on feelings of loneliness, insecurity and resentment. It took some really hard lessons and setbacks in relationships for me to learn, and finally admit, that my own thought patterns and expectations did far more damage than any other person could do to me. People are fallible, of course, and there were always things they could have improved or done differently that would have helped as well. However, when I focused on these things, the things others could do to improve, it mostly brought about feelings of resentment or judgment or worst of all, self-pity. When I truly accepted the fact that I can only control myself and my own expectations, the bitterness and sadness that was lodged in my heart eventually dissipated and made room for triumph and satisfaction to enter in. That is when my relationships began to blossom and I first realized the power behind my perception of others in relationships, and also that my perceptions were largely inaccurate. They say perception is reality. I would go a step further in saying that expectations create perception.

As I began to learn these truths behind expectations and see the fruit of them in my own life, I was then able to more easily identify and pinpoint these same expectations as the source of discontentment for so many others. It was so surprising and freeing when I realized that the issues we focus on in relationships matter far less than our expectations behind them. No matter what exact problem or struggle someone was facing with another, the answer always seemed to come back to these expectations, most of which many people were unaware they even had. This will be the primary focus of the chapters ahead. While the prideful side of me would love to take full credit for coming up with this concept of expectations and how we have the power to change them, we both know how silly that would be. It is not a new concept or even a secret one. There have been vast amounts of research studies, blogs, articles and books written on the subject. So, while I feel I have much to share with you from my own experiences, I do not expect you to simply take my word for it nor just want to hear my perspective on the matter. I will be sharing many insights from some of these other sources and experts as we dive into the topic more so you can see this is not a theory I have created, but proven truths that many before me have validated.

The underlying theme of this book is that you can and will have healthy, fulfilling relationships by setting realistic expectations of yourself and others! By the end of this book, you will be able to:

Define expectations

Identify your expectations, both those that are known and hidden to you

Set realistic expectations based on each unique relationship you have

Communicate these expectations to those in your life

Experience healthier relationships and more personal freedom and peace

Each chapter will