Holding the Calm: The Secret to Resolving Conflict and Defusing Tension

By Hesha Abrams, Ken Blanchard and Colonel Mark Flitton

Holding the Calm is a practical and immediately useful guide that meticulously lays out twenty concrete, easy-to-use tools for defusing tension, settling cases, resolving disputes, and rechanneling arguments.

How do you stop conflict? Settle disputes? Handle someone who is yelling at you, crying, or just won't speak? How do you find a solution when a solution seems impossible? Holding the Calm shares the secrets that enable everyone to avoid, minimize, or resolve conflict.

Popular master mediator Hesha Abrams has tens of thousands of hours in the trenches mediating human conflict, and she shares her pragmatic wisdom in digestible bites that detail how to improve situations and solve difficult problems between human beings, from family and workplace disputes to complex commercial and global conflicts. Learn how to

Speak into the ears that hear you
Be the grown-up in the room
Listen to what is not said
Create small, winnable victories

Practical, inspirational, and full of accessible tools you can use right now, Holding the Calm proves that you don't need an advanced degree or certification to minimize challenges and defuse tension between real people, businesses, and countries.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Berrett-Koehler Publishers, Inc.
• Release date: Jul 26, 2022
• ISBN: 9781523001958

Hesha Abrams

Hesha Abrams is the founder of Hesha Abrams Mediation and is an internationally renowned mediator who has successfully resolved thousands of cases over the past thirty years, from simple car accidents to multibillion-dollar disputes involving titans of industry. Abrams received a JD from Florida State University College of Law and went on to become a successful trial lawyer. She is the recipient of many awards, including Corporate Counsel's 2021 top-rated lawyer and the Martindale-Hubbell AV rating. Abrams has spoken at the International Symposium on Negotiation and Conflict Resolution and mediates in countries all over the world.

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Cover: Holding The Calm: The Secret to Resolving Conflict and Defusing Tension

Holding the Calm

Copyright © 2022 by Hesha Abrams

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First Edition

Paperback print edition ISBN 978-1-5230-0193-4

PDF e-book ISBN 978-1-5230-0194-1

IDPF e-book ISBN 978-1-5230-0195-8

Digital audio ISBN 978-1-5230-0196-5

2022-1

Book producer: PeopleSpeak

Text designer: Andrea Reider

To the Triumph of the Human Spirit

We Are All Bigger

Than We Think We Are

CONTENTS

Foreword by Ken Blanchard

Foreword, Military Style, by Colonel Mark Flitton

Preface: Why I’m Sharing These Secrets with You

Introduction: Picking the Right Solution for the Right Situation

PART 1: WORDS AND WHAT TO DO WITH THEM

1 You Talk to People for a Living?

2 Speak into the Ears That Hear You

3 Almost, Never, Always, Rarely, a Lot

4 How to Listen to What Is Not Said

5 The Magic of Silence

6 High Emotions Are Diagnostics, Not Symptoms

PART 2: SITUATIONAL AWARENESS: READING THE ROOM

7 There Is No Problem, Only a Solution Waiting to Be Found: Find the Self-Interest

8 Be the Grown-Up in the Room

9 Winning? Or Not Losing? Leave Them with Their Sword

10 When Everything Is Hitting the Fan

11 Us versus Them Mentality—But I Am So Reasonable!

12 It’s a Dollar and She Lives In a Hut: The Dangers of Overnegotiating and Negotiating with Jerks

PART 3: PEOPLE ARE WEIRD AND WONDERFUL

13 The Blame Game

14 Politeness and Civility Matter

15 We’re All Animals in the Zoo

16 A Dozen Roses—Seeking Advice

17 Cultural and Disability Considerations

PART 4: BRINGING IT HOME, CLOSING THE DEAL, SOLVING THE PROBLEM, SETTLING THE CASE, AND RESOLVING THE DISPUTE

18 Create Small, Winnable Victories

19 Don’t Take No for an Answer

20 Going Postal—Cured

Conclusion—Your Turn

Discussion Guide

Notes

Acknowledgments

Index

About the Author

FOREWORD

BY KEN BLANCHARD

AT A TIME when the world is struggling with a global pandemic and conflict seems to be a national sport, Hesha Abrams’s Holding the Calm is like a gift from on high. We’ve all seen the way disagreements can flare into full-blown power struggles that destroy relationships, workplaces, communities, and even countries. People need help in learning how to handle disagreements. The more we learn to resolve conflicts constructively, the better off all of us will be.

What do you do when the person you’re trying to communicate with is screaming at you? What do you do when someone shuts down completely and won’t say a word? You’ll learn the answers—and much more—in this book. Drawing on the negotiating skills she learned as a nationally acclaimed mediator, Hesha has written a guide that offers simple-to-understand tools and techniques anyone can use to resolve disagreements before they become full-scale wars.

Although she’s a well-educated attorney, Hesha’s writing is down-to-earth and accessible. You won’t find any academic verbiage here. The concepts she teaches are easy to understand, and the stories she tells are relatable and fun to read. For example, she describes how a US military sergeant kept an angry Serbian mob from storming a tower and killing US troops by singing popular Serbian songs into a megaphone. The crowd heard the song, felt the beat, and started singing like they were at a rock concert. By singing, not fighting, that sergeant was Holding the Calm. The rage of the crowd evaporated, and the US officers were able to negotiate a peaceful resolution. That’s just one of many instructive stories in this book. I’ve long been a proponent of storytelling to get across important points because stories allow people to visualize, let go of their judgmental thoughts, and learn.

Leaders in particular need to read this book. Anytime you try to influence the thoughts and actions of others, you are engaging in leadership—so you’re probably a leader, even if you don’t think of yourself that way. The world is in desperate need of leaders who focus on serving others rather than on accruing power and taking control. Resolving conflicts is one of the most effective ways you can serve the greater good.

People are wonderful, even when they’re horrible, Hesha writes. I know what she means. I love human beings, and it’s clear that she does too. Love is the foundation for everything Hesha writes in these pages. Relax, settle in, and enjoy these engaging stories. Listen to her sage advice. And the next time you find yourself in a difficult situation, remember to take a deep breath and Hold the Calm.

Ken Blanchard

Coauthor of The One Minute Manager™

and Leading at a Higher Level

FOREWORD, MILITARY STYLE

BY COLONEL MARK FLITTON

AS A PROFESSIONAL military officer who spent his career working in psychological operations and civil affairs, I find Hesha’s new book a fantastic read and extremely valuable. She clearly presents ways to build a solid foundation in managing conflict, working through negotiations, and being more efficient and effective in being persuasive.

Her years of experience as a master mediator—working in the complex world of multimillion-dollar business negotiations, personality-driven court conflicts, and emotionally sensitive situations—have given her the ability to write a concise, pragmatic book on how to resolve difficult disputes, defuse tensions, and understand how people truly communicate. In even aggressive or potentially violent situations, her techniques work. She provides us with her expertise and experience so that we can understand each other, communicate better, and avoid conflict or resolve it when we have to.

The military is confronted with the entire array of human emotions and reactions, from disagreements to violent conflict. Hesha shows how changing the context of the event or the approach of how to respond to unexpected events is often the key to resolution, which resonated deeply with me. Never walk into an event thinking you have only two outcomes. It’s the divergence that creates the outcome you want. I believe this, and she explains how to do this perfectly.

Her toolbox created for Holding the Calm will work even in the most difficult circumstances. Gentle interpersonal skills are certainly valuable, but in tough situations you need more. You need Holding the Calm tools to get past egos, rage, and intractable problems. When someone feels powerless, Holding the Calm gives a sense of power. Dealing with personal arguments, command disputes, business conflicts, or even hostage matters, all of which involve human beings, and Holding the Calm is key to a successful outcome.

I’ll use Hesha’s methods in my professional and personal life and recommend you develop techniques from her experience. Her insights are unique, and it is rare for someone to share this wisdom so thoroughly. Take advantage of it! This book is a must read if you want to truly understand and master the world of conflict management. Read it now!

Colonel Mark S. Flitton

United States Army Psychological Operations Command

PREFACE

WHY I’M SHARING THESE SECRETS WITH YOU

Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.

—SHARON BEGLEY

WHEN I TRAVEL overseas, I try to bring items that might be helpful in the poverty-strewn areas I often visit. Over the years I’ve tried food, reading material, balls, markers, and art supplies. Then I landed on something that had remarkable results: reading glasses. I buy one hundred pairs at a time for three dollars each and bring as many as will fit in my suitcase. I’ve seen grizzled old souls cry at being able to see clearly for the first time in decades. Grandchildren have run over, grabbed me, and dragged me to their grandmother’s stall so she too can get to see. The pure joy and pleasure that these simple tools deliver always brings a tear to my eye. Until people with poor eyesight put on the glasses, they don’t know how bad their sight is, how much better it could be, and what opportunities are now available.

Holding the Calm is a pair of reading glasses for you. How much better can we handle conflict, solve problems, and inspire people to believe that they can be more effective in resolving conflict? It can be easy, really.

Our society needs more civilized discussion and conflict resolution skills right now. Human beings don’t handle conflict well. Good kindhearted or well-meaning people try to resolve conflict but have limited abilities or skills to do so. Even professionals like lawyers and mediators can be overwhelmed with the vast array of psychological and human factors at play beneath the arguments. Individuals get sucked into conflict and see no way out. A dispute between neighbors over parking can, and has, escalated to murder. People are afraid. They don’t know what to do, how to do it, what to say, or how to say it.

The first breakthrough step is Holding the Calm. This sets the stage for the defusion of tension so resolution becomes possible. This step is not hard. It can be easy. It can be peaceful. It can be interesting. It certainly will be helpful.

Workplaces, businesses, families, and communities are all struggling not just to find common ground but simply to talk with each other about difficult topics. Resolving conflict is critical to a civilized society and to a sense of peace and harmony among its citizens.

Professionals of all kinds must manage an increasingly frustrated workforce. They may be taught leadership skills but not workable and immediate conflict management skills. Most books and courses teach adherence to a particular program usually involving a mindset change or a major transformation. But most people want something they can do right now. This book offers you that—bite-sized solutions and inspirational stories that you can use right now to make a situation better, defuse tension, and resolve conflict. Sadly, human beings embroiled in conflict see no way out, and the frustration escalates sometimes into violence. The mountain seems insurmountable, but it doesn’t have to be. You can Hold the Calm. Let me show you the smart way to do that.

Over one hundred million lawsuits are filed each year in the United States alone.¹ Throughout the world, litigation often takes the place of problem-solving. Senseless shootings occur with such frequency that we are numb to them. The chapters in Holding the Calm are designed to be a toolbox for you; something you can grab and use as you need to or plan an entire project around. This toolbox works for all kinds of parties: plaintiffs and defendants, bosses and employees, labor and management, and communities and families in conflict. The full toolbox is laid out in the conclusion if you want a sneak peek. Otherwise, let it unfold for you here in a way that will make it real and usable for you.

The Holding the Calm toolbox lays out rich, deep, yet attainable and fun tools to help people with drastically opposing viewpoints have civilized discussions and resolve disputes, lawsuits, divorces, and fights from many different perspectives. It is incredibly meaningful to bring peace where there was discord, to stop fighting, and to find solutions.