Listen: How to Embrace the Difficult Conversations Life Throws at You: How to Embrace the Difficult Conversations Life Throws at You

By Jen Dalton

After intense discussions with her husband over politics, coupled with the unexpected passing of her mother, author Jen Dalton found herself trying to navigate some of life's most difficult conversations.

She isn't alone. In fact, recent research shows one in four people have been putting off an uncomfortable conversation for a

• Language: English
• Publisher: New Degree Press
• Release date: Jan 19, 2021
• ISBN: 9781636761572

Jen Dalton

Having successfully owned and operated multiple dance studios for over 25 years - with over 1,000 students and managing teams of over 30 teachers and staff members at one time - Jen knows the importance of strategy, planning and being committed to continual learning. A well as teaching at and running her dance studios; Jen studied to be a police officer. She went on to work in the Child Protection and Sex Crimes Squad for 13 years. Jen studied Psychology and Communications at CSU, Health and Fitness, and Dance Teaching and Management. It was only natural that the next step was to collate all the information she learned from her studies and work experience to turn it into a dance industry manual, making it easy, quick and readily available for dancers and teachers around the world. It is Jen's intention to create a worldwide community of like-minded dance teachers and educators who - together - will support, encourage and lead with the intention to fully equip our next generation of students for excellence.

Book preview

CONTENTS

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Introduction

Chapter 1

Marriage and Divorce

Chapter 2

Letting Kids Grow Up

Chapter 3

discussing Health Issues with Family AND Friends

Chapter 4

Coming Out to Family

Chapter 5

Caring for Aging Parents

Chapter 6

Women and Speaking Up 

Chapter 7

Talking about Business

Chapter 8

Choosing Vulnerability as Leaders

Chapter 9

Discussing Race and Racism

Chapter 10

Diversity, Equity and Inclusion at Work

Chapter 11

Politics over Thanksgiving

Chapter 12

Moving Forward

Acknowledgments

resources

APPENDIX

Raise your words, not voice.

It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder.

—Rumi

Before you speak, let your words

Pass through these three gates:

Is it true?

Is it necessary?

Is it kind?

—RUMI

Introduction

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Reacting in anger or annoyance will not advance one’s ability to persuade.

—Ruth Bader Ginsburg

People have (and avoid) difficult conversations daily. Whether a conversation is about grief, health, family, finances, and so on there is no shortage of tough subjects we will all face at some point in our lives. The older I get, the more I experience these potentially high-risk conversations. I thought I was decent at communicating. However, when my mother died unexpectedly, I found myself dropped into uncharted territory, having conversations around death, money, and more. It made me step back and realize how much I did not know. Hundreds of exceptional books on communication exist, and I highlight many of them in this book. Through conversations with others who had experienced similar situations, I learned how to navigate the discussions life throws at us.

Life confronts us with stressful conversations regularly. From family members to friends, there is no shortage of challenging situations that require an exchange to occur (whether the conversation happens or not is a different issue). Most people avoid confrontations because they are often perceived as high risk and could leave both participants worse off. It can be easy to be busy and not create time for critical conversations—life, money, family, death, politics, and more—with the people we care about.

Whenever I want to learn something, I research who the experts are. There must be people who have mastered how to navigate these scary moments where we want to be authentic and, at the same time, share our perspectives and be heard. I started researching who was good at this, and how could I be better? Looking at a blend of research, best practices, and interviewing people who do this well was essential. When you think of who is excellent at having difficult conversations, or at least getting them going, who comes to mind for you?

Who is Exceptional at Difficult Conversations?

Here are several well-known personalities who have been identified as extraordinary when it comes to asking provocative questions, listening, and embracing difficult conversations.¹

Oprah Winfrey

Oprah Winfrey had a twenty-five season talk show, and any guest had to watch out when they sat on her couch or in a chair next to her. She can get people to be open, vulnerable, and talk about sensitive subjects. In 1987 she spoke with Mike Sisco, a gay man from the small town of Williamson, West Virginia, who was shamed for swimming in a public pool after testing positive for AIDS. In 1992, Oprah did an anti-racism segment with Jane Elliott, a fantastic episode and exceptionally provocative, to illustrate what racism is like, and how easy it is for people to give in to discrimination.²

Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart hosted The Daily Show on Comedy Central and received critical acclaim with sixteen Emmy Awards. He had many intense interviews, including one with President Barak Obama and confronting him on his poor debate in the 2012 elections.³

Barbara Walters

Barbara Walters is known for her interviews with political leaders, such as Fidel Castro, Vladimir Putin, and Margaret Thatcher. As a pioneer for women in broadcasting, she was the first female co-anchor of a network evening news program, ABC Evening News.⁴ She was not afraid to ask tough questions and acknowledge differences in opinion, which is an integral part of having difficult conversations.

James Lipton

One of my favorite interviewers who did not shy away from insightful questions and discussions was James Lipton from Inside the Actors Studio. With hundreds of interviews and viewership in ninety-four million homes across 125 countries, we knew James Lipton for his preparation, respect, and well-crafted questions. One of his most intimate interviews was with Robert Downey Jr. about the actor’s rise, fall, and return to Hollywood.⁵

Each of these individuals has a passion for their work and uncovering the truth through discussions and interviews. Part of their day-to-day job and purpose is to learn the optimal skills for navigating provocative and even polarizing subjects. I’m not saying they are perfect, but they have more practice and are likely at a higher comfort level than most people when they are listening and having an insightful and productive dialogue.

Why Now?

As a society, it seems like we get more polarized every day, and we struggle to discuss many topics without escalating into a shouting match (online or in person). One place to see this is when it comes to discussing politics. When talking about politics and discussing perspectives with people I respect and care about, here is what I experienced:

1.You never know someone’s beliefs and experiences until you ask questions and listen (especially when it comes to politics).

2.As soon as people bring up politics, people immediately go on either the defense or offense.

3.I value relationships too much to sacrifice them, and so I usually avoid talking about politics unless I am in a very calm mindset and with someone I trust.

When it comes to mastering the art and science of having difficult conversations, I wanted to explore the day-to-day topics we might each face: marriage, divorce, kids, health, coming out, caring for parents, equality, leadership, diversity, race, and politics. I could not cover every topic; however, I wanted to provide real, intimate, detailed examples hoping they might help shed light on what happened before, during, and after each situation.

The reality is that each of us will face these potentially uncomfortable topics throughout our life, from death to family choices to politics. Everyone believes we should avoid talking about politics, money, death, race, and religion. Whether it is discussing family finances, who will be the caretaker, or how to help our kids navigate gender identity questions—no one is immune to having difficult discussions.

In the book Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, the authors share, Despite the importance of crucial conversations, we often back away from them because we fear we’ll make matters worse. We’ve become masters at avoiding tough conversations.⁶

Avoiding these topics is almost impossible when confronted with them in person and online. Is it better to stumble through or practice and prepare? Avoidance is not a great strategy.

Why Avoidance (or Anger) is Not the Answer

As a personal brand strategist, I am continually thinking about how people can be more authentic, use their voice, and make a positive difference in the world. I know people want to be valued and heard. If we do not build our tolerance to have conversations on challenging and touchy subjects where we express our beliefs, can we ever be ourselves? Whatever our beliefs, people may not be able to live the life they want because we, as a society, do not know how to listen to each other and seek to understand each other. Not being able to share my beliefs and discuss them with other people feels unhealthy. For us, collectively, it is harmful. We will continue to increase our intolerance of each other instead of growing our tolerance.⁷ Our differences in perspective should be celebrated, not tolerated. Only through hearing multiple perspectives can we be understood and understand a situation better.

Why Me?

At this point (or even sooner in this introduction), you may have wondered who I am to write this book. Many people are experts in this field, and yet, we all still struggle with high-stakes conversations, no matter how many books exist on this topic. As I mentioned, I wanted to capture what I have learned on my journey to approach, survive, and even thrive through provocative and even polarizing topics.

In 2018, I sat peacefully on my couch with a book and a cup of coffee. I felt calm and serene. The sun was shining through the window and making the room warm, to the point where I probably would have fallen asleep. Typically, my life is hectic, and I do not have these idyllic moments, which is why this one stood out. I was sitting on the living room couch, which backs up against a knee wall with the dining room just on the other side. My husband said something about politics in an off-the-cuff remark just before the 2018 mid-term elections.

Honestly, I cannot even tell you what he said. All I can tell you is what I felt. Whatever he said triggered an immediate reaction where (had it not been for my coffee) I would have leaped over the knee wall and gone right into some ridiculous martial arts fighting pose. I realize this is a bit silly. However, it is vital for you to understand that this overreaction happened in less than a second. I went from calm to fight mode. At this moment, you will be pleased to know I did not leap over the wall, but instead just sat there in shock.

Shock because I knew several things:

1.I love my husband.

2.I felt my body want to fight, and yet I knew that was ridiculous.

3.Why did I react that way? My husband would never attack or hurt me.

So, what in the heck was going on?

I already knew when we got married that even though we were in different political parties, we aligned on 90 percent of the issues.

If I overreacted like that with my husband, how in the world would I be able to have a difficult conversation with someone I did not know, like, and trust about any challenging topic? I needed to figure out why I went from zero to one hundred faster than any car could. How could I increase my self-awareness and ability to remain calm?

Unfortunately, life does not happen on our schedule. A few months later, my mother died unexpectedly, and I was thrust into some of the most challenging conversations I had ever faced with the people I care the most about in my life.

My Hope and Goal with This Book

I began to read books on grief, politics, civility, and specifically how to have fierce, candid, crucial, impossible, and difficult conversations. I interviewed dozens of people and watched hundreds of interviews to capture key insights on this topic. I did a lot of academic research to be sure. My goal with this book is to create a framework to discuss, disagree (respectfully), and move forward together on topics like politics, race, and grief, with people you love (and people you don’t). I did in-depth interviews with real people who have relatable stories that may shock you, make you laugh (or cry), and inspire you to engage rather than avoid potential confrontations.

Throughout our lives, every conversation creates an opportunity to engage, listen, and reflect on how we want to show up and who we want to be in that relationship.

The quality of our lives depends not on whether or not we have conflicts, but on how we respond to them.

—Tom Crum, author of Journey to Center and The Magic of Conflict.

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1 Christina Milligan-Brouillette, 10 of the Best Celebrity and Political Interviewers, The Richest, April 28, 2014.

2 Leigh Weingus, Oprah Winfrey Best Talk Show Moments, Biography, January 24, 2020.

3 Erin Strecker, President Obama Talks with Jon Stewart on ‘Daily Show.’ Entertainment, October 19, 2012.

4 Michael Maloney, Barbara Walters’ Legendary Career Offers a ‘View’ Back to TODAY, Today, May 16, 2014.

5 Chris Koseluk, James Lipton, Creator and Host of ‘Inside the Actors Studio,’ Dies at 93, Hollywood Reporter, March 2, 2020.

6 Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler, Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When the Stakes Are High (The McGraw-Hill Companies, 2012), 1–3.

7 David Ludden, How to Handle Difficult Conversations, Psychology Today, October 23, 2019.

Chapter 1

Marriage AND Divorce

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Family isn’t always blood. It is the people in your life who want you in theirs; the ones who accept you for who you are. The ones that would do anything to see you smile and who love you no matter what.

—Maya Angelou

As a child, I thought relationships would last forever. If we are fortunate, we have our family around long enough to truly appreciate each of them for their unique perspectives and qualities. In their absence, we tell stories and try hard to remember them and not forget how their voices sound.

What I believed as a child was that family was forever. As an adult, I know we are all human and many of our choices create stress for our family members.

Family comes into our lives and leaves our day-to-day lives in both predictable and unforeseen ways. Marriage and divorce are like the weather, you hope for the best, but sometimes you are just trying to survive the storm.

Second Chances

Katie Nelson is one of my closest and most excellent friends (yes, that was a Bill & Ted reference). I simply want to convey how much I trust her and value her insight when it comes to communication. When I asked Katie for input on how best to communicate in challenging situations, she provided candid and compassionate guidance on how to move a conversation forward. Her professional background is sales, which she would tell you is her love language. I would say Katie is simply one of the most authentic people I know and truly pays attention to what her audience needs—whoever they are.

When I asked Katie to share her most challenging confrontation, I imagined it could have been business or family-related, and she would have little compunction about sharing either one. She did not disappoint. Her most challenging conversation was a cliffhanger and courageous of her to share.

Katie shared that one of the most high-stakes conversations she ever had was with her brother. Katie’s dad adopted him when she was twelve, making him her brother on paper. Early on, they became fast friends and, indeed, brother and sister. As she started off our conversation, she stated that their unbelievably close friendship ended when she and his wife could not figure out how to get along. She said for over a decade, she had not heard from him and truly wished him the best from afar. You might wonder what kind of conversation would make family stop talking to each other for over a decade.

I began my interview by asking her what happened. As it turns out, her brother, Toby, fell in love and was getting married. He was the first one of the clan to get married, and everyone was happy for him! Although Katie and Toby’s wife started out as close friends, years later, there was extreme tension between Toby’s wife and most of Toby’s family. Katie realized that as family, you support your family, and in this case, that meant understanding she no longer had a place in her brother’s life. Faced with the choice of her happiness and the relationship with her brother, versus his joy with his wife, she realized she needed to be the one to step away.

Know When to Walk Away

I asked what made her decide to do that, and she simply stated, Winning is a whole different thing when it comes to family; it is not possible. She went on to say, It was tough to understand my responsibility in that situation. That even though the issue was only half mine, if neither of us would fix it, then I needed to be the one to take action and leave.

At this moment, I recognized a few things. For one thing, Katie is not alone. Many people have experienced or heard about challenges with families who are bringing a new person into the fold. Even when you have done your best and shared your input, not everyone will listen, and sometimes you may need to walk away. Katie knew their relationship was not about her.

Fast forward ten years to 2017, Katie found out her brother was going through a divorce. All she wanted to do was put her arms around him and let him know she was there and make sure he was okay. However, making that first phone call was extremely stressful.

Prepare Yourself

Katie described how she went into a quiet room in her house and mentally prepared for calling him. Thoughts raced