So, What's Your Proposal?: Shifting High-Conflict People from Blaming to Problem-Solving in 30 Seconds

By Bill Eddy LCSW Esq.

Blame abounds! People confront us at work, the store, and online. Nerves get on edge. We get stuck blaming others for anything that goes wrong. With high-conflict people increasing in society, the twenty-four-hour news cycle, and social media, we hear constantly about the worst behavior. The temptation is to react and blame.

So, What's Your Proposal? shifts the conversation from the past and blame to the future and problem-solving. It teaches a simple technique that helps the reader stay calm and confident, while keeping the focus on solving problems. The reader will earn respect—many times in just thirty seconds.

This book lays out a simple, proven method to shift the conversation from the past and blame, to the future and problem solving. The method is extremely effective; we have seen it work over and over again—many times in just 30 seconds. What‘s more, almost anyone can use it—it just takes practice, and this book offer lots of examples to help you get started.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Sep 9, 2014
• ISBN: 9781936268634

Book preview

Author

Introduction

Complain! Complain! Complain!

Blame! Blame! Blame!

Have you ever dealt with a high-conflict person—or anyone—who blames you or others for one problem after another, without taking any responsibility themselves? Don’t you feel like just screaming at them?

Instead, consider using the simple methods taught in this book for getting them out of the past and away from blaming everyone else. Get them to quickly focus on the future, take responsibility, and contribute to finding solutions to problems—including those they created themselves.

When people complain and blame you, you don’t need to defend yourself or respond with anger. Just calmly say: So, what’s your proposal? and focus on teaching the simple threestep method explained in this book. This method will help you stay calm and confident, while earning the respect of those around you—even those who want to blame you!

And blame is abundant these days! Every day dozens—if not hundreds—of people confront us at work, at the store, in our communities, and online. Nerves get on edge. Look around; more and more people seem to blame others for anything that goes wrong in their lives. With high-conflict people increasing in society, with the 24-hour news cycle, and with Twitter, Facebook, and the Internet, we are constantly barraged with stories about the worst behavior of people and a plethora of terrible incidents every day. The strong temptation is to react and deflect blame back on them. However, this just feeds the problem.

This book lays out a simple, proven method to shift the conversation from the past and blame, to the future and problem solving. The method is extremely effective; we have seen it work over and over again—many times in just 30 seconds. What’s more, almost anyone can use it—it just takes practice, and this book offer lots of examples to help you get started.

About My Background

I am a mediator, a lawyer, and a therapist. Over 30 years ago, I began counseling children and families in psychiatric hospitals and outpatient clinics. At the same time, I started volunteering as a community mediator and became attracted to resolving all types of disputes: neighbor disputes, business disputes, family disputes, etc. Then, 20 years ago, I went to law school and became a fulltime lawyer and mediator, primarily of family disputes.

By putting together my experience from these three fields (therapy, mediation, and law), and through reading a lot of research, I realized that people with difficult personalities were becoming more common in society and that they liked to go to court—but rarely accepted the decisions made in court. So they went back over and over again, and developed reputations as high-conflict individuals.

With my background as a therapist and experience with mediation, I started learning about how to manage high-conflict legal cases in new ways. I became fascinated with developing simple methods to help ordinary people manage high-conflict people in all kinds of settings. First, I taught these methods to legal and workplace professionals (lawyers, judges, mediators, counselors, human resource professionals, and others). Now I am writing books and making videos for anyone who is interested in learning these simple methods and reducing the conflict in their own lives.

One of the most amazing discoveries has been the So, what’s your proposal? method. It is both highly effective and easy to use. With practice and repetition, almost anyone can learn it. That’s why I wrote this book—to teach the method to readers and to offer them examples and ideas for implementing this tool in their own lives.

About This Book

This book is purposefully short and simple. So, what’s your proposal? is a very easy question to ask, so we won’t spend a lot of time talking about the exact wording to use. Rather, we’ll focus on the specifics to help you make the most of this question, including the language to use, when to ask it, what to watch out for, and how to solve problems after the other person or people start thinking about proposals. The first four chapters focus on explaining the basics of asking for proposals, teaching anyone how to make good proposals, and understanding high-conflict people. The rest of the book provides lots of examples of using this technique in different settings, inspired by real situations although most names and facts have been changed.

Each chapter also includes additional tips about solving problems and negotiating with high-conflict people and others. This includes information about brainstorming, making choices, and explaining the consequences of various proposals and choices. These principles can be useful in any setting, beyond the chapters in which they appear. The simple focus of this book is quickly shifting people—especially high-conflict people—from blaming and all-or-nothing thinking into flexible thinking, which is where most modern problems get solved.

I hope you find this helpful in dealing with the high-conflict people in your life—or anyone!

CHAPTER ONE

Will Emma and Jake Ever Agree?

So, what’s your proposal? I asked Emma. She was complaining about her husband, Jake, whom she was divorcing. I was their divorce mediator. I could see Jake simmering on the other side of my round mediation table. I didn’t know when he would start yelling at her again.

What do you mean? she asked, irritated at my interruption.

Jake wanted a 50-50 co-parenting schedule and she had been criticizing his parenting skills.

You don’t know anything about their schoolwork! You’ve never attended a parent-teacher conference! You work late all the time! she said, then proceeded to go on and on about all of his weaknesses as a parent. Were they true? Or not? That wasn’t for me to decide.

I learned a long time ago that telling someone like Emma to stop criticizing her husband or to stop talking about the past would just trigger more defensiveness. She would think that I was taking Jake’s side and I’m supposed to be neutral as a mediator. So, without criticizing her at all, I just asked: So, what’s your proposal? in an effort to shift her from blaming to problem solving.

The situation was tense. I also knew that Jake was about to angrily defend himself. People in his shoes in a divorce mediation typically—and angrily—say something like: That’s not true! I know a lot about their homework! I attended a parent-teacher conference a year or two ago! I don’t come home from work late every night—I can change my schedule for the nights I have the children!

And I knew that after he defended himself, she would predictably defend her position, saying, "Tell me one thing about what C.J. and Mac are learning at school this week! Yeah, you attended a parent-teacher conference once in five years! If you could change your schedule so easily, why didn’t you do it when we lived together and I was taking care of the kids 90 percent of the time!"

Letting Emma criticize Jake or letting him defend himself would be an endless cycle—and it will not bring them any closer to resolving their conflict.

What I mean, I said, is that it’s best to make a proposal whenever you have a concern or criticism of the other parent. Remember, when we started the mediation, I said that we would be focusing on the future and what you want rather than rehashing the past and what you don’t want. So, how would you turn your concerns into a proposal?

Oh, that’s right. I forgot, Emma said with a frown, but she quickly calmed down and sat up in her seat. I suppose that my proposal would be that Jake have the children every other weekend and that I have them during the week.

No way! exclaimed Jake. I want 50-50 and that’s all there is to it! Then he turned to me and insisted, I need to defend myself here after everything she’s said!

You Don’t Have to Defend Yourself

Actually, you don’t have to defend yourself here at all—not in mediation, I quickly replied. I’m just a neutral person and I don’t pay much attention to what each of you says about the past and each other’s behavior. Remember, I’m not a judge of the past. My focus is on the future and helping you reach agreements about how to manage it as parents. Now Emma has made a proposal. Do you remember our method for responding to that?

I forget. Can you remind me? Jake answered, as he eyed Emma and took a deep breath.

First, I said, "you can ask her questions about her proposal—like when the weekend would start and end. Some people start weekends Saturday morning and end Sunday night. Others start the weekend Thursday evening—in which case you would take them to school on Friday—and end Monday morning by delivering them to school. So it’s very common to ask, ‘What do you mean in specific terms?’ when she says you could have every other weekend.

Then, I continued, after you’ve gotten answers to all of your questions, just say, ‘Yes, I can agree to that,’ ‘No, I’m not willing to do that,’ or ‘I’ll think about it.’ That’s all you have to say.

Well, I certainly don’t agree with her having almost 90 percent of the parenting time, he said. She wants too much control over the children. She doesn’t really want me to spend any time with them!

That’s not true, Emma said quietly, shaking her head no.

Jake, let’s not get ahead of ourselves. First, did you have any questions for Emma about her proposal? I replied, trying to ignore their fast complaints about each other. I wanted to keep them focused on this very simple three-step process of making proposals, asking questions, and giving a short response.

No! he said emphatically. "But wait. What did you mean by every other weekend? When would I get the kids and when would you get them back—in your propooooooosal?" He dragged out the word.

I resent that tone of voice! Emma exclaimed. Bill, tell him not to talk to me that way.

Actually, I want to remind both of you that we’ll have a better shot at reaching a workable agreement if you can avoid commenting on each other in any way—and commenting on each other’s comments, if you know what I mean. Can you both agree to try that?

They both nodded their heads yes. I knew they wanted to reach agreements and move forward in their lives. They weren’t just arguing for the sake of arguing. They were both sincere in their points of view—they were just anxious about being away from their children and in different ballparks about how to schedule time with them.

Ignore Most Comments

I continued: You can mostly ignore comments, intentions, tone of voice, arguments about fairness, and other side issues by staying focused on the details of your proposals, asking questions, and then responding to the proposals. So Emma, go ahead and see if you can answer Jake’s question about your proposal.

Oh yeah, she replied. Um . . . you could pick them up right when school gets out on Fridays and return them to me on Sundays at six in the evening.

And that’s only every other weekend? Jake exclaimed. "I’d be nuts to accept your limitations on my time with our kids. And I’m not doing all the driving."

Stay focused, I told myself. I know this can work. I turned to Jake and asked: So is that a yes, a no, or an I’ll think about it?

Well, I would say ‘Yes’ to that schedule for the weekends. But I want more time during the week! I want to help them with their homework and put them to bed at night—more than just the weekend. I want 50-50!

So that’s a ‘Yes’ on your weekend schedule! I exclaimed. "Does that mean, Jake, that you agree to Emma’s proposal of alternate weekends? I’m just speaking of the weekends for right now."

Yes, Jake replied.

I think that means you have an agreement, I exclaimed. Is that correct, Emma? If so, I better write that down.

That’s a ‘Yes,' she agreed reluctantly. But he’s not good at helping the children with their homework, so I’m not agreeing to weekdays and I’m not agreeing to 50-50.

Well, hold on, I said. You have an agreement for the weekends. Let me write that down before we get into proposals about the weekdays.

They were silent as I wrote and spoke out loud: Emma and Jake agree that each parent shall have the children on alternate weekends from Friday after school through Sunday at 6 p.m. Oh wait, I said. Does that mean Dad picks up the children Friday afternoon at school or that they walk home to Dad’s house?

I wanted them to stay focused on details, so they wouldn’t slip back into bickering.

I’ll pick them up, Jake said.

Good! Emma exclaimed. They like it when he picks them up at school.

Stay Focused

Did you hear that, Jake? He nodded. "It’s always helpful to recognize the good things that each other does—both ways.

Now, I said. Jake, I think you were about to make a proposal. What were you going to say a couple minutes ago?

I want at least one weekday overnight, but I’d really like two. I don’t see why I shouldn’t just have 50 percent of the parenting time. I know that’s what I’d get at court. In fact, this is ridiculous. I just—

Hold on, I interrupted. Let’s stay focused on what you want in here right now. Save your discussion of court for the end of the mediation session—if you haven’t reached enough agreements. Right now, let’s focus on your proposal.

I can tell you right now that I don’t agree, Emma said.

Hang on, I interrupted Emma. First, do you have any questions for Jake?

By slowing down the fast responses, I can get them to think about details, which tends to help them stay calm and rational and focused on problem solving, rather than

Reviews for So, What's Your Proposal?

[Martin Leoncio Balboa · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

awesome, super useful stuff. Not too long, nor too short