Bruised but Not Broken: My Life with a Sociopath

By Toni Peterson

It is estimated that as many as 3 percent of American men exhibit sociopathic behavior. That means countless people are suffering just as I did for thirty years. Bruised but Not Broken: My Life with a Sociopath is about my relationship with a man who was violent, addicted to drugs and porn, narcissistic, bipolar, and a habitual liar.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press
• Release date: Jun 22, 2018
• ISBN: 9781982206567

Toni Peterson

Toni Peterson is a Certified Reiki Master, poet, and the owner of a Non-Profit Organization.

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Copyright © 2018 Toni Peterson.

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The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

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ISBN: 978-1-9822-0655-0 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-9822-0656-7 (e)

Balboa Press rev. date: 06/13/2018

CONTENTS

Prologue

Introduction

Chapter 1 The Beginning

Chapter 2 Frankie’s Early Life

Chapter 3 Getting Together with Frankie

Chapter 4 A Rough Start to Marriage

Chapter 5 Settling in as Married

Chapter 6 The Worst Years

Chapter 7 Divorce and Beyond

Conclusion

Postscript

PROLOGUE

Visiting a psychiatrist is very seldom a pleasant experience. It typically indicates that something has gone wrong in your life. When I tell you that I have visited a number of shrinks in my life, than you obviously know that I have been through some difficult times. I remember one of those occasions quite well.

I had come to know this therapist well and we had worked several years together. The subject that had brought us together was my husband, Frankie, and our difficulties in the marriage. I worked for years to keep our family together, but it was not happening. Frankie was not interested in the marriage, but did spend an inordinate amount of time talking with psychiatrists. Several of them had come to know much about him.

On this particular occasion, the doctor had told me that he was a narcissist and a sociopath. Even though I didn’t know how to define those terms, it didn’t sound like a good thing.

What does that mean? I asked.

She replied, I know you have heard of Charles Manson?.

Oh!

After letting that visual image sink into my mind, I asked, So what do you do for that?.

Her answer was not encouraging. Even if he wanted help, which he doesn’t, it would take us seven years just to get started.

What she said next was surprising. You know more about this than we do. We’ve been studying these conditions almost 40 years and still know very little. You have been living with it everyday for years. People like Frankie never come to us, because they don’t think there’s anything wrong with them, unless they have already been in jail.

She then asked, So what are you going to do now?

I replied, Honestly, I don’t know.

The next words she spoke were the inspiration for this book.

She added, You need to write a book. You know more about this stuff than we do.

This is the book.

INTRODUCTION

Sociopath – A person with a personality disorder manifesting itself in extreme antisocial attitudes and behavior, a lack of empathy, and a lack of conscience for others.

There are few things better than curling up on the couch, surrounded by pillows or perhaps snuggling with the person you love, for an evening of movie watching. Pop open a beer and grab a bowl of fresh popcorn dripping with sweet butter and you’re ready. All you need at that point is a good movie. It’s not likely, especially if your movie watching partner is of the opposite sex, you will agree to watch a romantic comedy, so you search for something else. Everyone loves a good story, and crime thrillers are one of the more popular genres among movie buffs, even when we know the identity of the villain.

1Even though you have a good idea about the movie, you can expect a surprise or two. One of the techniques movie makers have used to capture our attention in a good crime drama is to make the villain a sociopath—a person who can’t seem to control himself, but can always be counted on to do something horrible and often violent.

These movies and television shows have taught us to believe that a sociopath is usually a mass murderer who feels no sympathy or sorrow for killing. They are portrayed as out of control lunatics with no other recourse but to be violent. It’s like they can’t help themselves. This notion has been presented to us in such a way that we tend to think that all sociopaths are evil murders. You might be convinced that if you ever met a sociopath, you would know quickly that they are dangerous.

We conjure up a Hannibal Lecter like a character from Silence of the Lambs. It’s someone so out of control and dangerous that he must be chained and locked up for the safety of society. If he is ever set free, then people will die. The term sociopath summons up visions of a crazy person, dramatic background music, and a string of dead bodies.

However, that’s not exactly true. There are many sociopathic people among us every day. You probably know some of them. It might even be they belong to your family; someone like uncle Fred who frequently yells at his wife for no apparent reason, or perhaps a cousin who always wants to be the life of the party. They might be working in your factory, serving in public office, patrolling the streets in a police car, or tucked away quietly in the house next door. They’re not criminals. They might even be likable people and have family and friends who care deeply about them. Like any personality disorder, there are degrees of affliction. The major problem is that there is little hope for improvement or change for someone with this disorder.

It is also interesting that many people who are leading business people have this ailment. We’ve heard stories of ruthless executives who left a string of abused people on their way to the top. These people have learned to use their disorder to accomplish significant achievements. They are not necessarily physically violent, but the damage they do throughout their life can be devastating.

If you have been around a person without conscience or empathy for other people, you have witnessed, or perhaps even experienced first-hand, the devastation they cause. It is also likely that you have been on the receiving end of their anger and violence. You have certainly been manipulated by their need for something you can provide to them.

I was in a relationship with a sociopath for thirty years. I know firsthand the damage caused and the ruined lives they leave in their wake. It took a long time, but I was finally able to extricate myself from the marriage but to be honest, there is no way to repair the damage caused to my life and my loved ones.

I’m telling my story for a couple of reasons. Foremost, I’ve had several psychologists over the years tell me that I need to write a book explaining my life with Frankie. As he was in and out of counseling numerous times over the years, the doctors often turned to me to help them understand his traits. There were many things about him that were known only to me, and he was not forthcoming about them, even to the doctors. I think they were convinced that if they were ever going to understand him, they needed to understand me as well.

Secondly, like many people who write a book, I feel it is important to be understood. People have formed opinions about me because of what Frankie has done. That’s true, by the way, of anyone who has been with someone for thirty years. We see one another through the lens colored by those who are around us the most.

The most frequent question I have heard over the years is, Why did you stay married to this guy for so long?

You will discover as you read my story that I’m not a weak, wimpy battered wife who was afraid to walk away from her abusive person. There were reasons why I stayed, even though I considered, numerous times, shoving him to the curb. It’s true, there were times when I thought he was going to kill me, but I cared too much for him to walk away.

Perhaps you might say this is a story about two people trapped in an extremely dysfunctional relationship. I’m certainly not putting all the blame on Frankie. I messed up my share of times, and I’m willing to accept responsibility. I have nothing to hide in telling this story so at times it might seem callous and raw, but it is merely the truth as I have come to understand it after thirty years.

If you choose to judge me after reading my story, that’s fine. Frankly, if you do, you’ll need to stand in line. The same is true if you want to condemn Frankie. He certainly had issues like all sociopaths, but I think it’s important to try and understand what made him tick. There are things I have learned about him in our more than thirty years together that psychologists found interesting.

I’ve never tried to hide or cover up our flaws, neither Frankie’s nor mine. I always told the shrinks that I was an open book and that is the way I’m telling this story. Obviously, since I’m the one telling the story, you will hear it from my viewpoint, so it’s not entirely objective. However, it’s a story that Frankie would never tell you. He wouldn’t even tell the shrinks everything.

If you had the opportunity to sit down and listen to Frankie tell this story, you would probably be mesmerized by his charm. He is a charismatic person and will go out of his way to appear that way to others—especially if he thinks you can do something for him. You will be his friend as long as you have something to offer.

One other thing you would notice initially about Frankie is his appearance. He was a Florida surfer, and he looked the part. He had a surfer’s well-built body, complete with an eight-pack, and hair that blew in the breeze. We met in High School when I began dating one of his best friends. I always thought of him as an asshole and he was also a total stoner.

When we married, he weighed