They Say Men Do Not Cry, I Cried

By Louis Ferguson

My book is about a man in his seventies who thought he had found lasting love, but it was just his thought, not a reality, and how he dealt with the pain of being rejected; things that shape our lives. My life is now shaped in my seventies by the difficult changes I wrote about in my book and have made me a better man.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Jun 12, 2023
• ISBN: 9781669878650

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Copyright © 2023 by Louis Ferguson.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

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Rev. date: 06/27/2023

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They Say Men Do Not Cry, I Cried

Sean Connery said in the movie, Finding Forrester, Some of us know the rules of writing, but some don’t know how to write. His statement implies to me that I don’t know the rules.

Words are one of the precious gifts that were given to us humans. C. L. R. James said, Knowledge is power.

I started writing my feelings down on my computer I found out accidentally that writing my thoughts and how I was feeling can help me a lot because I could not afford to counsel. It was also a way of realizing my hurt and pain, my doubts and fears; they were real.

Some so many men and women who have lost their freedom, their lives, and themselves because of getting angry and then killing a wife or a lover because of rejection, or the pain of not being wanted. I thank God I had the sense to channel my anger, desperation, and pain onto my computer.

At the time I started writing about what I was going true, I had spoken with a psychiatrist several years before because of feeling abandoned. I had an idea that I had lost my center; I needed help. Things were falling apart. I was not financially equipped to afford the help I needed from a professional, so putting my thoughts on my computer was my way of helping myself.

I grew up in a society where if you had problems you talk to a friend or a priest; you did not sit or lie on a couch and talk to a psychiatrist. Maybe people who had money did see a psychiatrist. In my world in Trinidad, I knew of no one who did.

I was in a relationship with a woman whom I had learned to love for the past sixteen years, and I knew our relationship was fading; things were falling apart. Writing down how I felt was, in a way, my first diary. So I wrote at first about what was going on with me because I felt I was wasting sixteen years.

I wrote about my beginning, coming to America in New York in the year 1968. I wrote explaining at the beginning of my diary my time with Brenda, and of hopelessness coming out of the tunnel of sixteen years wasted.

I grew up with my mother and what it was like and my early days growing up in Trinidad, the arts, and becoming an actor.

My early days arriving in America were for my son, Louis Ferguson; my daughter, Josette Ferguson; and my nine grandchildren and three great-grand that make me the grandfather of twelve grandchildren.

My family tree started in the Caribbean. My children’s parents, Louis Ferguson and Josephine Mejias Ferguson, came from Trinidad and Tobago for a better life in America, and that is how my children were born in New York, United States of America. I want my children to know something about my life so my children can pass on the story to their children if they care to.

Is it a story I think is worth telling about their grandfather from Trinidad and Tobago, Louis Ferguson? I am not famous, but Lou Ferguson is in the world, alive and well.

In a little while I’ll be here then I’ll be gone, is a quote from Edgar White.

11/3/2018

I began writing my feelings the day I was dumped or rejected by the woman I learned to love for sixteen years, and having this dilemma happen to me and being told I had to leave. The end had come. A house had fallen on my head. I had nowhere to go and no one to turn to. I was scared. Besides, I was never told by anyone that in my seventy-something years of living, I had to leave. I always did the leaving on my terms. My head was going around in circles. I had become Insignificant.

11/13/2018

Demagogue. I always liked the sound of the word demagogue. A friend of mine that I grew up with in Trinidad always used the word and was the first time I heard the word, demagogue. My friend’s name is Winston Denial, better known as Party Danny. Danny was also a substitute teacher. I believe that is how he acquired a command of words, like a demagogue. If you had a party and told no one about your party, Danny would know about your party. Did Danny have party antennas that inform him you were having a party? No one knew how he was informed. The answer, Danny was a people man, and people liked him.

I was about to describe The Don.

Donald Trump, the country’s worst president I have experienced since becoming a citizen of the United States of America, is a demagogue. Don Trump is not a demagogue. The jackass is a wealthy, notorious Demagogue.

No, there is a word to describe The Don—snollygoster, a tyrant, an idiot, an exploiter. No, The Don Trump is a piece of work; something in my opinion.

11/17/2018

Warning Signs

In men and women, I’m realizing that all people are not the same. We all are different in some way, in many ways.

People always ask the question, what do we have in common? Many times you will find out later in your love relationship, nothing.

I wish I were in a position to walk away because I’m seeing that my future with the woman I’m in love with can make me very unhappy Because we do not share the same values and feelings about living life day to day. What happens to be in that situation? There can be a lack of joy.

The joy of living. You watch everything you say. You are afraid to be yourself. To say the wrong thing could be taken out of context so you stop being true.

You live like you’re living from a script. Your spirit is not organic because you are under heavy manners. A Jamaican saying, meaning pressure added; unnecessary pressure.

I’m discovering that people who should be happy are not because—how can I put it?—they are envious of others, and there should be no need for that kind of envy and fear.

If you believe in yourself and how you are, envy does not linger in your mind for long because we all do not have what it takes. The person you envy will be surprised you have qualities he or she might wish they had. Maybe something is wrong with me. My mother would always tell me not to envy anyone because I might not be willing to do the things they did to be a success. Why should anyone envy me, I who have nothing?

I’m feeling very tired and weary. For the number of years I have been living, I should have a handle on what life is all about. The song says, What am I living for if not for you? I would like to say, if not for myself. And if you’re living for yourself, it helps you to see the life that is around you every day. Not because you’re selfish but because you like yourself.

If you like yourself, if you’re like that, then you can like everyone, unless they are not likable or unlikable.

Observation and awareness are also great ways of learning because you can separate the bullshit and deal with the positive side of the gift of life that was given to us by the Almighty and moms and dads.

People I love or chose to love I do not see or look or seek for negative things in them.

Being negative can be so boring and unhealthy, so I’m learning late in life that some who we think have it altogether do not. The bad part is listening to the whys and the reasons why they think the way they do.

A friend of mine told me we, humans, need companionship and we do. But sometimes we pay too high a price for love and companionship with the opposite sex. You can become infected, and sometimes there is no need to catch someone else’s cold. Nothing is wrong with catching your lover’s cold if it’s worth it.

I learned in life that when you say to a woman I love you, it is a commitment you’re making. You’re saying to her, You’re special. I love you. I’m an honorable man. Cheating would not be involved in our relationship.

I want to be happy and content with the life that was given to me. I want to leave this world knowing I tried my best every day to be a good man. It is so sad watching people you care about or chose to care for turn into beasts in front of you. There has to be someone I can look in the eye and say, Help me to understand, I don’t know, I’m not sure, or I do not have all the answers.

When I find that person, that woman, there will be trust. Trust can lead to peace. Do you ever wake up with the feeling you are in the wrong place? That woman you’re with, you can’t seem to make her happy. Contentment is not around; it is not a part of her vocabulary.

11/20/2018

I’m going through a sex recession. At seventy-two, I still have the wonderful feeling a man should have toward the woman he loves, sexual feeling. Only now, as an older man, I’m realizing making love is a combination of touch, warmth, understanding, and caring.

What they call foreplay, I call it special awareness—taking your time exploring each other. For all the years I have lived, my body tells me it is about tenderness, which is what the word love means.

My body is telling me it is about holding that wonderful feeling, not banging. Thank you, ma’am.

Taking the time to discover what a woman means, for her, is what a man means. It’s called loving. Tender is the night. Love me tender. It is called sharing. If you’re lucky, it comes with aging. The gift of what sharing love is about, the love we have in us with a woman is all about awareness, and honesty. Love can produce beauty in sex.

There is only one problem. Living today in this world can be complicated if we have no sense of who we are. A writer called it The Sex Recession, which is a nuanced exploration of the fragility of human connection in our modern world. Since I do not speak like that or write that way, I would say we have gone nuts. Yes, there is a problem. None of us is satisfied with who we are and what we are.

I got caught up