Lessons from a Friend: A Memoir

By Ione Hepburn

Ione shares fourteen lessons from people shes known in a series of vignettes that highlight her stormy life.

Only some of these people remain in her life, but each one has taught her somethingand thats why she calls them friends.

One such friend was Claire, whom she met at a Toastmasters meeting and learned that her father was murdered when she was only four years old. When Ione spoke to Claire, shed inevitably complain that life had treated her unfairly. But Claire helped Ione realize that life was not out to get her. Claires words were Ione, you are not special. In time, Ione discovered that she was not the only one nor was she alone on her journey.

From her early upbringing on an underdeveloped island in The Bahamas, where she was abused as a child, to a suicide attempt, failed relationships, counseling sessions, and self-introspections, Ione reveals how life for her has been a series of lessonsand how she realized its never too late to learn what life is trying to teach you.

Join Ione as she battles her doubts, fears, and assumptions to learn what it takes to succeed and grow as a person in Lessons from a Friend.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: May 18, 2017
• ISBN: 9781532015946

Ione Hepburn

Ione Hepburn, a native of The Bahamas, was a suicidal teenager with low self-esteem before becoming an inspirational speaker, trainer and certified life coach. As the mother of a son who inspires her to be better, Ione uses her life stories to encourage others, and remind herself to keep living.

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Copyright © 2017 Ione Hepburn.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

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Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

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ISBN: 978-1-5320-1595-3 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5320-1593-9 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-5320-1594-6 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2017903969

iUniverse rev. date: 05/12/2017

Contents

Foreword

Preface

Introduction

Lesson 1 You Are Not Special

Lesson 2 It Is Never as Bad as You Think

Lesson 3 Plan a Life That Could Be Lived without Permission

Lesson 4 People Can Only Love the Way They Know How

Lesson 5 Life Provides What You Need When You Need It Most

Lesson 6 Don’t Be a Victim

Lesson 7 Closure Is Personal

Lesson 8 Trust Yourself Enough to Follow Your Intuition

Lesson 9 You Cannot Make Someone Stay

Lesson 10 Live Life without Residue

Lesson 11 Plan for the Future, but Don’t Wait for It

Lesson 12 We Are Never Really Sure about Anything

Lesson 13 Soar, and Life Will Do the Rest

Lesson 14 Life Does Not Give Social Promotions

Final Thoughts

To my son Calin and to all my friends who have become my family, along with those family members who have become my friends.

Thanks to all of you who have stayed in my life and to those who have left, creating space for others to come and share new lessons. You are the people from whom I have had the privilege of learning. Because of your decision to be a part of my life, whether it was only for a short time or you are still here, I became better.

I have learned many lessons over the years from many of you, so this book would be endless if I tried to write them all down. However, the lessons I have chosen to share in this book are written to show my appreciation not only to those mentioned but also to all of you who have made a difference in my life.

Foreword

I worked with Ione during a period in her life when she wanted a change, was looking within herself, and was seeking answers to the reasons for her past and present experiences. She had been in therapy before and came with an eager and open-minded approach. Ione’s discipline, commitment, honesty, and questioning disposition facilitated the process of gaining insight and acceptance of who she was and had become.

It took courage for her to write about her experiences, the content of which may conjure various emotions, depending on your perceptions and diverse life experiences. Life is a learning experience, so it is worth reading the fourteen lessons that have channeled her to a better life.

I was eager to read this book. Lesson 1 was special to me and made me pause for reflection. My thoughts were that our misfortunes or injustices make us special. Therefore, all of Ione’s lessons may have a special message for each of us. These important themes give us hope and make us more assertive and accepting of others and ourselves.

I highly recommend Ione’s book, which may also relate to a part of our lives—a mother’s love, love of self or others, and the associated challenges. Time does not wait as we deal with our anxieties, but there are many opportunities to learn life lessons. Ione came to the point where she learned to trust herself. That is special, being accepting of oneself as one journeys through life and continues to develop friendships. It was an honor for me to work with her and now to have the privilege of reading her book, which is comprehensive and thought-provoking and instills hope and fulfillment.

Dr. Eugenia (Gene) Combie, MD, DM Psychiatry

Preface

I was having lunch with my friend Whitney, and like always, we were going through a series of topics as we tried to catch up with what was going on in each of our lives. Then the subject of reincarnation came up. This subject was intriguing to both of us because each of us has had many lessons, and consequently, those lessons had resulted in the evolution of our beliefs.

We had different views about reincarnation, but the one conclusion we both came to was that life is a series of lessons. Some believe that this life is the only opportunity to learn these lessons, while others insist that there will be other lives that bring unlimited chances to learn each lesson. Whatever the view, the one thing that holds true is that lessons are the seeds of human development, and without them, no one can move from one stage of his or her life to another.

To become who we are meant to be, each of us is presented with a curriculum of life. These curricula comprise lessons we must learn, but in most cases, there are no deadlines or due dates. Further, the teachings that may be scheduled or spontaneous can come from the most unlikely people or places. When we are in the midst of troubles, the last thing we want to hear is that there is a lesson to be learned or that this is going to make us stronger, yet somehow there is always a lesson, and we are always stronger—but only if we choose to pay attention.

It was conversations like this one and encounters with other friends that inspired me to finally start writing generally. This book, however, was written only after I had gone through a paradigm shift. From the moment I started, I felt a sense of pride and obligation. It was as though the book became my guide all over again, and I often felt the need to thoroughly evaluate my decisions to ensure that they were in line with the lessons.

Ione Hepburn

The Bahamas, June 2016

Introduction

You may be at that stage of your life where nothing seems to be working. No matter what you do, things continue to fall apart, and you are concerned that things are not going as planned. Possibly, you have arrived at a place where you can now recognize your growth spurts: those times when things are happening that stop you in your tracks and force you to do some introspection. Wherever this book finds you, know that you are in the best place to learn a lesson.

In this book, there are fourteen specific lessons that are there to bring awareness to the issues we all face on this life journey. To reiterate that we are not alone, each lesson emerges out of an experience with a friend and is learned only after being expressed by someone looking in. The stories in the book are abridged. However, they are all real stories from my life, through which I have learned lessons. Moreover, whether intentional or not, each was a valuable lesson given to me by someone, so I called that person friend. While some of these people are still in my life, many are not. Therefore, names and other identifiers of people and places have been changed to create anonymity.

You will find that sometimes we each need a guide to help us find our way. The lessons learned are only discovered through the interaction and involvement of other people. While there are specific lessons, as you read, you will discover that in each of the major lessons there are countless others. You will notice that most of the lessons emerged out of bad experiences, which is not to imply that lessons are learned only during bad times. On the contrary, every experience we have, whether good or bad, can teach us something.

You may choose to read one lesson a day or decide to read the entire book in one sitting. Whatever your decision, this book will be an inspiration. However, note that this book will not change your life, as only you have the power to do that, but if you are open to it, it can change your perspective on enough things to set you on the right path toward a better life.

Thank you for taking this journey with me.

Lesson 1

You Are Not Special

I met Claire at a Toastmasters meeting about six months after her arrival in The Bahamas, and we became fast friends. Over time, I learned that Claire’s father had been murdered when she was four years old and that her mother had used her inheritance to ensure that Claire and her brother received a good education and had comfortable lives.

Claire was working as a pharmacist in Jamaica when she intercepted a call at work. The call was not specifically intended for her, but she was the pharmacist on duty at the time. On the other end of the line, a representative from one of the hospitals in The Bahamas was in search of pharmacists who may be interested in working in The Bahamas. She had never visited The Bahamas, but because she was frustrated with her financial limitations at the time, she decided to take the opportunity. Her decision to move would prove not only financially beneficial to her and her family but also valuable to me.

Though Claire came with one goal, she found she also needed a social life, so she joined Toastmasters. One night she needed a ride home, and though we did not know each other, I offered. Her home was less than five minutes away, but our interaction during those few minutes resulted in a ten-year friendship.

In getting to know each other, we shared many stories from our younger days. In Claire’s account of her childhood, she recalled being called Miss Piggy because she was much bigger than most children her age. We met in 2005 when she was twenty-six years old, but her weight situation had not changed much. She was five feet three inches and about 290 pounds. However, though Claire struggled with her weight, by all measures, she had more confidence than most adults our age.

Claire often got frustrated when things did not go as planned, and when she did, one of her favorite phrases was "the only thing worse than being a poor, black, single female, is being a fat, poor, black, single female." Yet she maintained that other people faced the same challenges she faced, and some had even greater challenges, so she was grateful for her life. She believed that we all are presented with our share of issues, and no one is special or exempt from life’s challenges or disappointments. To iterate this to me, when she sensed I was descending into pity party mode, she would say, Ione, you are not special!

I felt that maybe Claire just did not understand. Our lives seemed parallel; we were the same age, but she lived on the better side. She had a mother who cared for her, went to private school, received the degree she wanted, and without trying, got the opportunity to have a better life by moving to another country. The only thing she lacked that I had was a smaller waistline. I was five feet five inches, and about 135 pounds, but I was just not as fortunate as she was.

I grew up with an intellectually disabled mother and my grandparents: Mama and Daddy. Mama was my primary caregiver. She was incessant in her insults, reminding me regularly that she was only taking care of me because my mother could not do it. Since it was her responsibility to care for me, she saw it as her right to ensure that I grew up well mannered. If she was told that I misbehaved at school or in the community; if I did not respond quickly enough to her instructions; if I left home without permission or took too long to return after been given permission, I was punished. While the intent was understandable, the intensity most times was unbearable, as it left me scarred psychologically, emotionally, and sometimes even physically. These scars were etched simultaneously with other scars that were made by other people in my life.

I was no more than eight years old when a male close to me forced me into womanhood. He would lure me into his room by requesting massages for which he often paid a dollar or two. In time, however, he started showing me pornographic videos and books from his secret collection that he kept in a medium-size brown suitcase in the back of his closet. He shared his secret with me, but in return, he gave me one of my own.

It was a Saturday afternoon. The funeral in the community bore a quiet atmosphere. In such a close community, whenever there was a funeral, almost everyone attended, so my grandparents and mother went, and I was left at home. I was eleven years old, and he was about eleven years older. I was wearing a short, red-and-white skort that day when he called for his regular back massage. I did the usual, but this day he was not pleased. He turned his face toward me with a half grin.

You not pressing hard enough, he said. Come on top.

I complied. When I got on top, he rolled over onto his back which resulted in me falling back onto the king-size bed. With that, he came on top of me. When he was done, he gave me a few dollars for the massage.

I must admit that I cannot remember the first time, the number of sessions, or even what took place at every session, but whenever I think of my abuse, that day comes to mind. I know for sure that this was not the first time, but it was the day the little girl in me died. It would be years before I again willingly wore any clothing that showed my femininity or