A Game of Intrigue: Life Awakenings in Pursuit of the Mystery

By Suzanne Gardner

This is a true story. In the unfolding of it the troubles of humanity are exposed as well as the times when something worth knowing is learned. Occasionally even a time of celebration occurs. As all lives are unique throughout history, this story has its own unique flow. Some of the highlights are briefly noted here, the details are in the book.
In early childhood an incident of being ignored occurred for whatever reason. It just happened. And yet, infants get impressions about life on this earth even without having acquired the ability to articulate them for many years or maybe even for a lifetime. In this story, activities reveal some signs of this.
Feeling in the body is a focus throughout the book although it seems lost in the middle. It gets overlooked as it often does amidst everyday commitments and activities. Even in a busy household, conversations about feelings may not occur. And as the years pass, this can be a challenging blind spot.
There are two committed relationships formed in this story, one is a marriage and the other a live-in partnership. Both have big challenges. The choices made may not have been the best. And yet, action to learn from wise teachers is transformational.
Much of the book involves a game focused on feeling in the body. This game was created one step at a time experimentally. It turned out to be intriguing in that the essence of the feeling experienced as a group was hard to describe. And no matter how many times the game was played with different people, the mystery remained.
The unfolding of this mystery involves openness and patience. Along the way, renowned leaders in science and spiritual affiliations are consulted. And life itself becomes a powerful teacher.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press
• Release date: Jul 12, 2021
• ISBN: 9781982271039

Book preview

Copyright © 2021 Flora Suzanne Gardner.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by

any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying,

recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system

without the written permission of the author except in the case of

brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Balboa Press

A Division of Hay House

1663 Liberty Drive

Bloomington, IN 47403

www.balboapress.com

844-682-1282

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or

links contained in this book may have changed since publication and

may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those

of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher,

and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use

of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical

problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The

intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help

you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use

any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your constitutional

right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are

models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

ISBN: 978-1-9822-7104-6 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-9822-7103-9 (e)

Balboa Press rev. date:   07/12/2021

Contents

Prelude

Chapter 1     Early Years and College

Chapter 2     Professional Life and Marriage

Chapter 3     Recovery

Chapter 4     Relations with My Parents

Chapter 5     Life Initiations

Chapter 6     New Beginnings

Chapter 7     Levels of Consciousness

Chapter 8     Energy Vibrations of Body Feeling

Chapter 9     The Heart of the Matter

Chapter 10   Feelings of Love

Chapter 11   Transformation

Chapter 12   Game Intrigue

Dedication

To Lois, Scott, John, Gerry, Phyllis, and Mary, all delightful human beings and treasured family members with whom I grew up during these adventurous years.

Prelude

I n the cramped windowless room where we met, the words spoken by the person in charge landed with unmistakable authority; and they ignited a sting deep within me as I listened. The implosion inside my mind and gut hurt, and I bent forward and clenched my arms around me in pain. The illusions I had believed for most of my life had been exposed; my pretenses were laid bare in full sight. I wanted to run but I did not know where. My hollow arrogance had steered me down a path with a disastrous end and no escape. It had shattered me, and I was devastated; and I needed to get out of that room to clear my head. That action needed to happen now. The exposure of light on my sham parade had dissolved the familiar darkness of my habits and thrown me off. I was lost. I was defeated. And I needed to catch my breath.

This series of true events and interpretations seemed to have made up much of my life. When would I learn something useful? Would I ever?

I grew up believing I was entitled to a privileged life. I was the oldest of four girls, and since my sisters were younger than I was, I assumed I could hold my position in age as an advantage. My brother was older than me, so I looked to him as entitled to lead all five siblings including me. However, as time tends to give us the truth, this age advantage did not play out according to assumptions. In my case, there were crucial happenings during those early years with siblings that left indelible marks and interpretations in place for years. I will explain this later in the book.

As the tales of my travels unfold, a continual expansion of consciousness is revealed. Indeed, the adventurous journeys lay out how I lived on a pathway that led through innocence, followed by a stretch of arrogance that was so gripping that I wondered if I would ever be happy again, and then finally to investigating life amidst all the goings on, to see what might be worth knowing. I chose activities in territories unknown to me much of the time with a willingness to play and learn no matter what happened. As a result, I found out how to protect and fend for myself in a world I did not trust; and I discovered a path through the prickly brambles obstructing the way so I could regain my balance should I get harmed physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually. I needed to find out if people were okay with me and we could get along together.

It is my hope that as you read through these experiences, some of the happenings and feelings expressed in these writings will resonate with you especially regarding what we human beings deal with in life and can resolutely overcome. Along the way in my writings, I have gained volumes of encouragement and insight from the writings of many authors, illuminated teachings of many seminar leaders, generously shared experiences of diverse participants in group activities, and from the insights in conversations individually with people of great wisdom. I offer this chronicle of adventures with the possibility that it may be encouraging in some way for your own adventures and perhaps to aid in untangling any thorny brambles you may encounter.

Chapter One

Early Years and College

"Sometimes life hits you in the head with

a brick. Don’t lose faith." Steve Jobs

I remember noticing how life felt to me when I was in grade school. However, feeling was not a subject of conversation at our house. So, I kept it to myself. I had become aware, without understanding, that at home the humans around me did not talk to each other about feelings or conspicuously demonstrate feelings toward each other. And although I remember there were some scuttles involving sibling rivalry, it was never really bothersome. Our immediate family included five siblings, my mom, and my dad. With five children born within six years, my mother had her hands full with child-care, sustaining organization of family activities, and upkeep of the household each day.

There was an incident that happened to me when I was between one and two years old. It happened when I had been placed in a playpen for safety reasons, I am sure, and probably for parental management as well. And while in the playpen, I cried for five hours continuously, and no one responded. And then I stopped. Years later, I was told that I never cried again after that. Naturally, this happening influenced me in some way. And yet, at the time, it was a passing impression and I continued being active with the events of the day. I will come back to this later in the book.

Before long, I found that what got me attention from my parents was doing what I was told to do and doing it to meet their satisfaction. From outside appearances, this compliant behavior likely came across as desirable and maybe (according to the neighbors) even admirable, especially since I was given the tools and necessary instruction to complete the tasks well. From my point of view though, I wanted attention and approval, and by doing the job correctly, I was getting it.

Daily life at home was fairly stream-lined since my mother had an inclination and a preference for domestic order and thoughtful appearances. For children, she organized activities for not only our family, but often other children were invited. Naturally, we all joined in. And yet, in some ways I was on my own to find my way along by myself and do my part with the family at the same time. In that environment, I became aware of a supportive essence within me—a subtle body feeling that seemed to nudge me and comfort