Main Land

By Two Feathers

There is an aura around Jay that screams confidence and power! He has an authority air about him that people react to, but when it comes to Dyan; he is week in the knees and would do anything for her. However, Dyan struggles to survive one tragedy after another to fight for the love she found on the island with Jay, but the odds are stacking up against her! Will she succumb to these trials or will she find the strength to endure them and conquer them to finally get her happily-ever-after?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Dec 4, 2013
• ISBN: 9781493148905

Two Feathers

Dyan Clemmons is an average woman that has been hurt too much in the past and is now very negative about relationships and men in general or getting involved with them for any reason, but when Jay Mathas comes along and sweeps her off her feet her world is turned upside down. He’s charming and the perfect gentleman, hard to resist. Dyan falls for Jay fast, but is still distrustful of him. Jay leads a rather hectic life style and Dyan isn’t familiar with this kind of chaos. Dyan leads a quiet and laid back life; peaceful and orderly. Dyan doesn’t believe that it can last once they leave the island and the seclusion of their bungalow and rejoin the real world and reality. She is met with several emotional challenges while trying to proceed with the love that Jay offers her. She has too many conflicting thoughts about whether she can fit into fast paced word.

Book preview

Copyright © 2013 by Two Feathers.

Library of Congress Control Number:   2013922035

ISBN:      Hardcover      978-1-4931-4889-9

                Softcover       978-1-4931-4888-2

                eBook             978-1-4931-4890-5

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to any actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

Rev. date: 12/02/2013

To order additional copies of this book, contact:

Xlibris LLC

1-888-795-4274

www.Xlibris.com

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Contents

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

Chapter 24

Chapter 25

Chapter 26

Chapter 27

Chapter 28

Dedicated to my beautiful daughter

Leslie Ann Kissinger

You are the most special person in the world to me!

You are the only good thing I did!

My love for you is eternal!

Chapter 1

I would stand here forever if it meant that I would be truly loved and that Jay would forever be mine. I can only dream of the fairy tale ending to our love which started out so hastily; the love that all women dream of. The love that everyone, men too not just women, want and need. The kind of love that makes a person feel whole and complete.

As I stood there watching the sun drop in to the water with Jay’s arms around me; the thought or wonderment of what else Jay was hiding from me crossed my mind yet again. How many other things is he hiding? What other deceits do I have to look forward to? How many other women will approach me to tell me stories and probably tell me lies to get me to leave him so that they may have a chance with him?

Can I really live my life with a man that I don’t trust anymore? Can I find the strength in me to sacrifice my dignity, my self-respect? I know that some people would stay just to keep from being alone. Maybe they have low self-esteem and think that they have found the best that they can get, but I wasn’t brought up to disrespect myself like that or to settle for less than what I deserve and I deserve honesty and loyalty and most importantly respect because it’s what I give in return.

What kind of a life would it be where you have to be looking over your shoulder constantly so to speak? Wondering who is going to approach me next? Will the next person be violent? Will they try to hurt me? Will they try to hurt Jay? That’s not the life I envisioned. I don’t think anyone out there would dream of living like that. Living in fear is not living.

Jay just stood there holding me; he didn’t say a word for the longest time. I could tell by the way that he was fidgeting that he either wanted to talk or he was just plain nervous about what I would do. He should be nervous because if he knew what I was planning; he would not like it I’m sure.

He tipped his head and his lips were pressed against my neck. He placed gentle kisses where they rested. His breathing was labored, like he was about to go into a panic attack. His hands were now rubbing sideways across my stomach. He was shifting his weight from one leg to the other. He was very uneasy. I could feel him shaking from head to toe.

Just then I heard Jay’s voice; it came lovingly, sweetly, softly like a whisper. I could barely make out what he was saying. I’m so sorry my love. I love you so much. I know I’ve hurt you and I can’t change the past, but I can change the future. I know I was wrong for hiding that from you. I was only trying to protect you. I will never ever hide anything from you again. When I said that my life is an open book for you, I meant it.

If you meant it then you should’ve told me what was going on. Did you really think that I wouldn’t find out? Anyone in their right mind would’ve known that she was going to approach me. She is desperate to get you back and she will do anything to do so. You should have warned me. That way when she did come up to me; I would know what her ploy was and that she would be lying. I wouldn’t be wondering if any of what she was telling me was true. I wouldn’t be wondering if you were really sneaking around behind my back and still seeing her. My voice was getting harsh as my temper was rising.

I know that now and I’m so sorry. You have no idea how stupid I feel. The only thought on my mind was to protect you from villains like her. I had no idea that she would do something like that; I didn’t know how desperate she is. If you really think that I would cheat on you, then you are mistaken. I would never hurt you that way or any other way. That would mean me loosing you. You know I won’t do anything that would cause that to happen. I need you, I want you, and I have to have you in my life. You are my life now. He had spun me around in his arms to talk face to face.

You may have already done that. It was a mere whisper that I could barely make out even though it came out of my mouth.

Jay had no problem hearing it though and his voice was very broken and shaky. Done what?

I didn’t want to answer, but I had to; I had put it out there so I had to elaborate. Done something to loose me.

He couldn’t speak. The hold he had on me tightened fast and he was shaking almost violently all over. From his head to his toes, his body was trembling with fear. I almost felt sorry for him and forgave him right there. Just because I know how he feels; I’ve been there. We all make mistakes. But the fact of the matter was; he lied to me. By hiding Veronica from me; he lied. That was the realism of this dilemma.

There would be no forgiving; at least not tonight. I was too hurt and too mad that he did this to me. The pain was too fresh and too severe. If I had an ex-boyfriend that was stalking me; I would have warned him or at least told Jay that the ex might approach him or that the ex might be some kind of a problem. I would have told Jay every time I got a call or text or letter from the ex. That way Jay would know the truth right from the start and he would know how serious the situation was and he wouldn’t be surprised and hurt when my ex approached him. There would be no deceptions, no hurt feeling and no trust issues because I had been honest with him about it right from the start.

As the pain of the circumstances set heavy on my mind right now; I wondered if I could go through with my entire plan that I was thinking about. You know; the making love part. I really wanted to do this because there may never be another chance for me to see what I would be giving up tonight. Not that our relationship was going to be based on sex, but that is a big part of being together. I planned to talk a little more about everything after I calmed down a bit, then make love to him one time, then leave and go home to my farm where I could think and sort this all out and make a final decision on how I wanted this story to end.

Should I, would I or more importantly could I forgive him? Would I ever be able to fully trust him again if I did forgive him and continue on with the relationship? Would there always be that doubt in the back of my mind? Would I be suspicious when he talked to any women at all? Would it change me into something that I am not? Like a snooping person? Would I start going through his phone, through his mail, through his wallet? Would I start screening his calls? That is not who I am; I want to be able to trust the man that I am with; otherwise, what’s the purpose of being with him?

This could completely consume my life. I really need to think this through thoroughly before I make any rash or precipitated decisions. I know what Veronica said and what Jay said, now I need to figure out how I feel about it and whether or not I can accept all of Jay’s answers to my questions and believe him completely. After all, Veronica did say that Jay said the same things to her. Did he mean them when he said them to her? Does he mean them now to me?

I think it’s more the fact that Jay did not tell me about Veronica that is bothering me. I am no fool; I know that any woman would do or say anything she thought would cause a break up between Jay and me to get him back. So I don’t really care what she said; I care that he kept her lingering communications a secret.

I have no way of knowing exactly what ended the relationship between Jay and veronica or how serious the relationship had been between them before their demise. Did he love her as much as he loves me or does he just say that he loves me? Did he plan on marrying her? Did she really cheat on him? Or is he the player? Am I just a rebound and will he go back to her? Was he just saying what he had to so he could get what he wanted then moves on when he gets it?

This was all too confusing for me right now and I can’t seem to shut my thinking off. I needed to distract myself for a minute to give my brain a rest. I was on over load. I know I love him with all my heart and I also know that I am very hurt and confused right now.

I love you! I love you! I love you! Jay repeated over and over.

How do I respond to this? I love him to, but I’m not sure I want to say those words again right now. If I do, then he may think that I forgive him and it will be ok. I don’t want to lead him in the wrong direction. He needs to know what I plan on doing. I will not hide my feelings or my actions from him.

I know you do, but . . . I trailed off because I wasn’t sure how to start the next conversation.

But what? He asked.

I need to explain what my thoughts are right now and what I am thinking about doing. I don’t want you to think that we are just going to kiss and make up tonight. It’s not that simple. At least not for me. I looked up at him.

I know it’s not that simple for you. It’s not for me either. I know I messed up and I admit that. This whole thing is all my fault and I want to make it right. I can only hope that you will allow me to do that. I don’t want to loose you. I can’t loose you. I will be nothing without you in my life. My work, all that I own or have, means absolutely nothing to me if you aren’t with me to share it with. I don’t know what to say other than I’m so very sorry. I beg of you to forgive me and please give me the chance to make it right. I saw the tears that were starting to form in his eyes.

Are the tears real? He is a great actor after all and could cry on demand. What I needed to know is: Are the tears real, does he really mean what he is saying? Does he really think that his life would be over without me in it? Would it be? Would he do this again? Would he be honest in the future with me? Would he never cheat on me? Would he lie to me? Would he be just fine if I ended it right now?

The questions were endless. Maybe that is my writer’s mind coming through or maybe it is real life coming through. It didn’t matter which it was, the questions I have are valid in either case. They pertain to the situation and they all need answers. I need the answers to make my decision.

I will listen to anything else you have to say about this issue. I would like to have some answers to some questions that I have though before we go any further. I had to look away.

Ask me anything and I swear to you, I will give you the truth. I have never lied to you and I never will. Jay placed his fingers gently on my chin and turned my head back to face him and I saw the hope flickering in his eyes.

Well, that’s a matter of opinion. I was referring to him hiding things from me and that I considered it the same as lying to me.

I understand and I will not argue that point. He knew what I meant by my comment.

Did you tell Veronica that you loved her as much as you say you love me and mean it? Did you tell her that you couldn’t live without her? Did you tell her that it would last forever? I didn’t want to overwhelm him with too many questions at once so I stopped there and awaited his reply.

Yes, I told her that I loved her because I did, but I never loved her the way I love you; it was a different kind of love. I think I was in love with the idea of being with someone more than I was in love with her. No, I never told her that I couldn’t live without her nor did I promise her that it would last forever. I did tell her that I hoped it would last forever because at the time I said it I did hope it would, but that’s different. Hope and knowing are two different things. I know that you and I will last forever. Jay was a smooth talker.

Then why did you ask her to marry you if you weren’t absolutely sure it would last? I couldn’t image marrying someone if I wasn’t sure it would last.

Whoa! What? I never asked her to marry me. I never proposed to her. I swear to you that I didn’t do that. He was shocked by this question and from the look on his face; I believe what he said.

She said that you had met her in town that day to get your ring back. I think I meant it more as a question than a statement.

I never bought her an engagement ring. I did buy her a promise ring though and I told her when I broke up with her that she could keep it, sell it or whatever she wanted to do with it. I didn’t care because I didn’t want it back. It was only a promise of the relationship that we were in. It was a promise that I was with her and no one else; that I wouldn’t cheat on her while we were together. Not a promise to be with her always. Not a promise that I would marry her. It was nothing like that. He seemed agitated.

I don’t know if he was getting upset because she had lied about what the ring meant or if he was getting upset because maybe I had been told the truth by Veronica and he didn’t want me to know how serious it had really been between them because that would create a new doubt for me. If he left her when things got hard; would he leave me to? But if it was truly over between Jay and her; why would he want to hide that fact? Did he plan on going back to her after he got what he wanted from me? Is that why he told her to keep the ring?

If he had planned on marrying her, so what! That was the past and it is nothing that someone should lie about. I really don’t think that he would lie about that. It would make no sense to hide that fact. I had told him about Todd and how serious we had gotten, so why wouldn’t he be honest with me about his seriousness with Veronica. I had to believe this and not the doubting questions that were lurking in my mind.

I guess I just can’t understand why you didn’t tell me what was going on. I know you say it was to protect me, but in my mind; I think it would be better to tell someone about this situation instead of letting them find out the hard way like I did. It only creates trust issues and doubt; especially when the woman is stalking you and you don’t tell me about it. You had to know or at least gander that she would try to ruin what we have so that she could get you back. Can you please explain to me what your thoughts or reasoning was on this? I waited to see what he would answer with.

In my mind it was over and I thought that she would come to accept it too and leave me alone soon. I just thought that she was hurt by me breaking up with her and that she would get over it in the very near future. I never thought that she would go that far. I thought I knew her better than that. I thought she would just drift on into the past and stay there. I never in my wildest dreams thought she would come to you and lie to you. I don’t live in my past, I live in my future. You are my future and that’s all I want. He was not shaking so bad now.

I think the fact that I was letting him explain or give me his side of the story was helping to calm his nerves. I must admit that his answers were good and that I really wanted to believe them whole heartedly, but the doubt still remained in the back of my mind which I’m sure will always be there even if I do decide to take his word for everything.

Never ever underestimate the power or actions of a woman scorned. I thought he could use this piece of advice.

You aren’t kidding. I know that first hand now and will never make that mistake again. I just never thought that she was that kind of woman; you know, deceitful. Lesson learned. He shook his head to show his disappointment in his knowledge.

I’m sure I don’t need to say this because it goes with the lesson learned comment you just made, but I will any ways. Communication; it is the number one thing that needs to be present in any good relationship that is to last; or one that you want to make work. Either way you look at it; without communication, there is no relationship. Without respect, there is no love and without trust, there is no reason to continue. So I think it is safe to say that we do have a problem here and it starts with a lack of communication between us. The lack of it has caused disrespect and trust issues now. Do you really think we can get passed this and move on with our lives together because I’m not so sure? I felt like a philosopher.

Yes, I do think that we can move on and still have a loving, respectful and trusting life together. I just hope that you can find a way to feel the same. His eyebrows were lifted in question wondering if I felt the same.

Well then, I need to know what else you have kept from me. What else is there that I need to know before we continue? Are there any other secrets you have that would affect us? Did I really want to know the answer to this; was there more, maybe a lot more that I should know about?

No nothing, not that I can think of right now. I have told you about everything that is important to me. I can only think of you right now and what I need to do to make this right; how I can stop the hurt that I have put you through and make you see that you are the only one for me. The only one I love and the only one I want to be with for the rest of my life. You do believe me when I say that, don’t you? The wrinkles appeared on his forehead as he waited for me to answer.

Yes, I think that’s how you feel now; right now, this minute, but what happens a year from now when you’ve gotten what you want from me? Will you still feel the same then? Or will you want someone new? I couldn’t stop myself from asking these questions even though I knew they would hurt him.

I will love you for all eternity. I have no doubts at all in my mind that I will always love you this much and want no one else besides you. This is the first time in my life that I am scared of loosing someone. I can’t explain how, but I know this deep in my heart. Please believe me when I say that I will never stop loving you or wanting you. The sincerity was obvious as he spoke.

I wanted to believe him. I wanted to know for a fact that this would always be true. I wanted this much for both of us. This is a two way street after all and I needed to know that he would always believe what I say as well as me being able to believe him when he tells me something. The problem right now is not with anything that I have told or not told him, but what he failed to tell me and I have to find a way to come to terms with that or move on.

Maybe I am too emotional and take things too seriously, but when it comes to my heart and getting it broken; I can’t take things lightly. My heart is fragile and it would only take a flick of the finger to shatter it. My heart is a very thin piece of crystal; it has thin walls from all the flames that it has already had to go through and a fire too hot will destroy it.

My head was hurting from the tension and stress of the day. I just wanted to be done with all of it. I just wanted to be on the road and driving. I do my best thinking while I’m driving. Just me and the open road; my mind can sort through things while I stare down the open highway. No one can interrupt my thought process, no phones, no one knocking on the door and no one trying to talk to me while I figure things out.

I could tell that Jay was expecting more or maybe wanting to keep talking about this so that he could convince me to stay and not leave him, but I had nothing more to say right now. My psyche has taken in enough for now and it was time to process everything I have learned.

But before I start to process; there’s something that I want to do and that is to take Jay in the house and make love to him. I know it’s wrong and that I should only be doing that after I am married. However, I may never have the chance to make love to anyone again because one thing I am positively sure of is the fact that if things do not work out with Jay and me; there will not be anyone else ever again.

This is the last relationship I am willing to get into. I have been single for most of my life and I will remain that way from here on out if I can’t find it in me to forgive Jay and proceed with the commitment I thought was going to happen. I have done just fine by myself and I don’t need a man in my life; but it would be nice to have someone to share my life with.

As the thought of being alone for the rest of my life subsided to the back of my brain; I didn’t want to think like that just yet because my mind is not made up yet; suddenly I remembered why Jay had come out to where I was standing on the cliff. He had made some dinner for us. It was probably cold now, but he needs to eat. I’m not very hungry, but I know that I should at least try to eat a little something.

I hadn’t put my arms around Jay the whole time we had been standing out there even though he never let me go. I took his hand in mine and turned us both towards the house and led him in the direction of the house. Once inside I could smell something wonderful, but my stomach was actually churning from the smell. My nerves were not going to let me enjoy whatever it was that was pleasing my nose.

We sat at the table in the nook area and I watched as Jay tried to choke down some food. Guess his nerves were getting the best of him too. All I could do was play with the food in front of me with my fork; I couldn’t even bring a single bite to my mouth. The thought of putting even one little nibble in my mouth made my mouth water like I was going to throw up and I knew if I did take a bite; I would throw up for sure.

I wish you would try to eat Queen. You have to keep yourself nourished. I know it’s hard right now; I’m not having an easy time with it either, but I’m at least trying. You will get sick if you don’t eat. He said as he took a drink of his wine.

I will get sick if I do eat. I’m too upset. I can’t eat when I’m upset. I’m sorry. It smells really good, but I just can’t. I stared at the food on my plate.

I understand. I will just get up early and make you a nice breakfast then. I’m sure by then you will have calmed done enough to eat. He said as he laid his fork down.

I hoped he didn’t notice the expression on my face in response to what he had just said. I don’t plan on being here for breakfast, but I didn’t want to tell him that now. I wanted to make love to him first then I would tell him my plan to go home to think. I plan on hitting the road immediately after making love.

He had only eaten not even half of the food that was on his plate, but he had eaten. That was the important part; he has to work an extra-long day tomorrow since he left early with me today. He would have to shoot extra scenes to make up for what was supposed to be done today.

I felt guilty for him having to leave early today, but it wasn’t exactly my fault. However, I could’ve pretended like everything was fine and that Veronica’s visit hadn’t bothered me, but that wouldn’t have been any different than Jay hiding her from me. It would’ve been a lie and I don’t like lies. I refuse to do that even under those circumstances.

I helped Jay clear away the food and do the dishes. Neither one of us did any talking during the cleanup. I think Jay was letting me have some thinking time, but he did keep touching me and he would wrap a single arm around me and give me a squeeze every now and then. I did nothing in return; I just kept working on the dishes.

When the dishes were done and everything was put in its’ place, I went to the bathroom and took a quick shower and then put on the sexiest nightie I had there. I stood in front of the mirror and just stared at my reflection. I wondered what Jay had seen in me that first day I met him in the lobby of the resort in Jamaica.

What had he noticed first about me? What had made him suggest that we share the bungalow? Was it my long dark hair? Was it my figure? Was it the curve of my lips or maybe the fullness of them? Was it the smile on my face that I had when looking out to the ocean? Was it a glow on my cheeks? Was there a glimmer of something in my eyes? What was it? I couldn’t see it myself as I stared at the physical properties of my face.

Jay walked in behind me and joined me at gazing at my reflection. He had a soft look on his features as he always does when he is looking at me. He smiled sweetly at my likeness when I moved my eyes to the reflection of his. I stared at his eyes in the mirror and I noticed or rather it dawned on me for the first time that he always has a gleam in his eyes when he is looking at me; they literally light up when I am in his focus of view. I’ve noticed it before, but this time it really hit me.

I’m going to take a quick shower too, OK? He wasn’t asking permission, even though it sounded like it.

OK. I said as I turned to leave the bathroom and give him some privacy.

I lay down on the bed; I hadn’t crawled in between the covers that Jay had pulled back for us. I wanted my entire body to be in full view when Jay walked out to join me. I moved into a couple of different positions to try and figure out which way of lying would look the sexiest from the bathroom door. I wanted him to notice me immediately when he walked into the room.

I settled for lying on my side, facing the bathroom door. I was propped up on my elbow; knees slightly bent and my other arm lying gently on my side with my hand resting on the side of my thigh. I had made sure that my nightie was in the proper position and hadn’t shifted as I shifted around on the bed trying to find the right posture.

I think Jay liked what he saw when he came into the room because his face went from stressed to content as he walked over to the bed. He followed my lead perfectly and lied down on top of the sheets and blanket like I was. He scooted over close to me and ran his eyes up and down the full length of my body.

You like what you see? I tried to use a seductive voice, but I wasn’t very good at it.

No. He said.

No? My voice cracked.

No, I don’t like what I see; I love what I see. You are so beautiful and so sexy. I can’t believe that you are in my life. I don’t ever want it any other way. He smiled as he ran a finger up my lengthy thigh.

The smile that I was trying hard to keep on my face disintegrated on his comment. I didn’t know how this was going to end and I know how he feels, but my feelings need to be considered here too and right now they are up in the air. How could I keep smiling when there was a very good chance that I was going to break his heart and leave him?

I wouldn’t think about that now; there was something more critical that I needed to concentrate on at the moment and that was making love to Jay. I wanted him completely. I wanted to feel his love for me. I wanted the stimulation that he was so good at giving me, but I wanted all of it this time; not just the prelude to what was always denied.

I pulled him closer to me so that the full extent of his body was touching mine. My hand was still on the small of his back as I took my other hand and pulled his luscious lips to mine. I kissed him very softly; our lips were barely touching. I felt my nerves go on high alert from the heat of his breath on my face.

I kept kissing him in this same manor for a few minutes till my lips just had to have more. I couldn’t control it, I pressed my lips hard against his on the next kiss and I heard the familiar moan emanate from his throat and I knew he wanted more. I would indulge him to the fullest extent.

I pulled the t-shirt that he had on over his head to bare his chest and those rippling muscles that were under it. His perfectly sculpted washboard stomach was tense and the muscles were moving in and out with his breathing. His chest was heaving with every breath.

I kissed him some more and it was even more feverishly this time. There was no deficiency in his response; he returned the passion with as much vigor as I was giving if not more so. His hands were all over me, but like every time prior; he did not touch me anywhere that was not allowed.

I ran my fingers through the hair on his chest and then I started to grab it and pull a little bit by closing my fingers around it. I did this several times and it seemed to drive him wild. He pulled hard against me and held me tight. I had to remove my hands from his chest when he did this. I think it was his way of getting me to stop; maybe it was too much for him.

I rolled him over on his back and I lay half on top of him; our lips never parted. I reached down and pulled at the pajama bottoms that he had on and got them down to his knees. I lifted my leg up to get my foot on the pants and finished pushing them off his legs.

I was still kissing him hard and running my fingers up and down the entire length of his side and thigh when he rolled us both over so that now he was on top and in control. All the while his throat was emitting moans and groans of pure pleasure and I knew that he was just as turned on as I was. I know there were noises of the same aptitude coming from my throat as well.

Jay pulled back from me and I sent my lips straight to his neck and started in on what I knew would drive him over the edge and I was right. I felt the all familiar throbbing in his groin area that was pressed firmly against me. I felt his hips start to thrust ever so slightly as he tried to get closer to me.

He returned his mouth to mine and let me have what I wanted; his hot sensuous kisses. I was arching my back to make sure that our bodies were touching at every point; I wanted no air between us. I had to feel him fully. I wanted him more than I have ever wanted him. My blood was boiling over from the passion that he shows me.

Jay tore his lips from mine and lifted his head and said with the heaviest sigh I have ever heard, We really have to stop now. The control I had before is not here tonight. I want you so bad and I won’t be able to stop.

I stared in his eyes for only a brief moment before I took my hands and placed them on the sides of his head and pulled his lips back to mine while saying, Make love to me.

Chapter 2

Jay must have really loved hearing those words come out of my mouth because when his lips finished reaching mine; the kiss was torrid, it was long, it was hard and he had a growl coming from his throat instead of a moan. It seemed to last for a very long time too. He was devouring every bit of my kiss and demanding more.

I dug my fingers into his back up by his shoulders and slowly drug them all the way down his back. His growl grew deeper and his kiss only got hotter. The grip he had on me got tighter; which I didn’t think was possible. He pressed his lower abdomen harder against mine and was smashing us both.

He managed to tear his lips away from mine and lift his head just a few inches to look at me. I instantly lifted my head to seek out his lips again; I didn’t want them that far away. I had to have them pressed to mine. My hand went flying up at the same time to the back of his head to help get our lips back where they belong, together.

In the splitting second that our lips were parted; I did get a quick glimpse of Jay’s expression and he looked so tortured. He looked as though he were in pain; as though he was actually in physical suffering. It took a few moments for this to register, but I couldn’t stop kissing him long enough to ask what was wrong.

I had to have more; I had to have him all. I had to get him to make love to me; I didn’t want him to stop. The look on his face was becoming clearer and clearer in my mind and it was going to put that same look of anguish on my face if I didn’t find out what was wrong.

I kissed him again and then I let my lips relax back to a normal position and tilted my head down so that Jay’s lips had to be pulled away. I opened my eyes to see that Jay had that look on his face, but now it was more intense. He was just staring at me with a quizzical expression.

What’s wrong? I asked between gasps of air.

Both of us were breathing heavy and it was labored. I stared into Jay’s eyes as I waited for him to catch his breath, so that he could answer me. He closed his eyes and let his head fall forward so that his forehead was resting on mine and he took a really deep breath and let it out slowly.

I want to make love to you . . . . I really want to make love to you, but I can’t. You could actually hear the torment that he was going through in his voice.

I didn’t know what to say at first. He couldn’t make love to me? I thought to myself. Why? Did he not want me anymore? Did seeing Veronica bring back the love that he had for her? Did he feel like he would be cheating on her if he did make love to me even though he was supposed to be with me now?

How could I think like that? He has told me with such surety that he loves only me; that he only wants me, so why can’t he make love to me? This made no sense at all. I was giving him my permission to make mad passionate love to me and he was turning it down.

I still couldn’t say anything and Jay saw the look on my face. He knew I needed an explanation of why he couldn’t make love to me and knew that I was too confused to ask why not. He was still heaving in air and trying to catch his breath, so he took in a real deep breath and let it out again.

Then he said, I can’t go against your . . . no not yours, but our morals. I feel the same way as you do about waiting. I have to find the strength to abide by that, but you aren’t making it easy on me.

I don’t want you to stop. I want you to make love to me. I begged.

You can’t say those words to me. I have no control over my body when you do. My entire body understands what you are saying and it’s acting on its’ own. You have no idea how bad I want to do that to you. His voice trailed off to a whisper.

But I want you to Jason. Please make love to me. I don’t want you to stop. More begging, which is not me, but I wanted him.

I can’t. He said with a sigh as he rolled off of me.

I didn’t miss a beat; I flipped my body over on top of him and immediately straddled his extreme upper thighs and laid my chest on his and made him kiss me again. I started grinding the lower half of my body on top of his pulsating loin and it felt as if he went into convulsions. His hands went straight to my hips and were pressing them down hard to make sure that I was as close as I could get.

I would have my way one way or another. I only had one shot at this and I wasn’t going to let it slip by me. My movement became hasty and more anxious. My hands were thinking for themselves and running all over Jay’s rock hard chest. His muscles were so tense that I could’ve bounced a quarter off them.

Jay didn’t stop me right away; he gave me a little of what I wanted. He just wouldn’t let me take his boxers off when I reached down to rip them off of his shaking body. I tried a couple of times to sneak my hand down there to get rid of the one thing that was in my way, but Jay halted my hand at every attempt.

I wanted him so bad and he was denying me. I guess that’s what I get for telling him that I wanted to wait till after I was married before making love. Even though I had given him my permission to make love to me; he wouldn’t. He wouldn’t go against my original wishes. What was I thinking when I told him that?

I couldn’t take any more of the preliminary session to making love; if I wasn’t going to be able to make love to Jay, then I had to stop or my entire body would explode with anticipation. It would take me days to come down from this one; it had been more intense than all the other times that we had made out. I felt like a ticking time bomb was inside me and it was only seconds away from detonation.