19 Years to Sunset: Surviving a Narcissist

By Ruthie Shaun Goss

Today I begin to share my testimony, my truth, my story of how a season of my life I had to first love and live with a narcissist. Second, I had to know and understand the narcissist. Third, and more importantly, I had to learn to survive the narcissist.

There were so many warning signs, and the longer I ignored what my gut, eyes, and ears were telling me, the more I began to talk myself into why I should stay in the relationship and why he needed me.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Fulton Books, Inc.
• Release date: Jul 21, 2023
• ISBN: 9798887316864

Book preview

Table of Contents

Title

Copyright

Loving and Living with a Narcissist

Knowing and Understanding the Narcissist

Surviving the Narcissist

About the Author

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19 Years to Sunset

Surviving a Narcissist

Ruthie Shaun Goss

Copyright © 2023 Ruthie Shaun Goss

All rights reserved

First Edition

Fulton Books

Meadville, PA

Published by Fulton Books 2023

ISBN 979-8-88731-685-7 (paperback)

ISBN 979-8-88731-686-4 (digital)

Printed in the United States of America

First, I would like to thank God because without Him, none of this would be possible.

Second, I want to dedicate this book to my mother, the late Mrs. Evelyn Goss Jones. She was always my covering in prayer, my prayer warrior, my confidant, and my best friend.

It is through her that I learned to pray. She taught me to never give up or quit but to trust God.

She was a poet and songwriter. Her poems were published in the Mississippi Poets Society. The song she wrote (Lord Suffer This to Be) was later sold to an artist to sing on her album.

She was very gifted and indeed a blessing to her children and grandchildren.

Forever missed.

Forever in our hearts.

To my children, Creston and Deaja, I dedicate this book to you both because it is us: our life, our truth, our story!

Although life happened, God brought us through it all.

You two may still carry some hurt and pain, but please always remember we have nothing to feel guilty or ashamed of.

Forgive, let go, and let God.

Remember that without the test, we would not have a testimony.

I encourage you both to tell your stories as well to help bring someone else out of what they may be going through.

Because what the devil meant for evil, God worked it out for our good!

Love, Mom

Sometimes life has a way of showing you just how people really are, and more importantly, it teaches you just who you are as well. Over the course of several years during my young adult life, I began to experience life in ways that weren't always pretty. A life that has been very full of obstacles and challenges, the type of life I'm sure so many of you have experienced yourself.

Life is filled with all types of emotions: happy, sad, loving, hurtful, controlling, abusive, and so on. As adult women, and not to mention as young mothers, we tend to carry these emotions; and whether we choose to be expressive or what I call myself—a holder—I have always held my feelings, thoughts, and emotions in until after I felt it was time to share, or at least try to share.

We are oftentimes, through nature, naturally nurturers and pleasers. As we tread through life trying to figure out life as it's given to us, we don't ever really understand why things happen in our lives as they're happening.

We usually just go through day-to-day, really hoping to just get through each day without any problems, issues, or stressors; and as long as our bills are paid, our children are fine and fed, and we have a roof over our heads, pretty much nothing else matters, so we think or dare to convince ourselves otherwise!

*****

Today I begin to share my testimony, my truth, my story of how a season of my life I had to first love and live with a narcissist. Second, know and understand the narcissist. Third, and more importantly, I had to learn to survive the narcissist.

Narcissistic personality disorder is a disorder in which a person has an inflated sense of self-importance. This personality is more commonly found in men. The causes are unknown but likely involve a combination of genetic and environmental factors.

Loving and Living with a Narcissist

Being in a relationship for over nineteen years was extremely hard work. Don't get me wrong and understand me clearly when I say that not every day was hard, but the circumstances became harder as the years went on.

As a pleaser and a nurturer in my relationship, I only wanted to do what I felt was best. I don't like confrontation, so I am always doing what I can to rectify a situation, whether it is my fault or not. I would always be the first to say I'm sorry or to just apologize. However, in relationships, we have to understand and know our roles. The roles we play, and too often allow, can sometimes be the very things that come back to haunt us, or they can simply be used against us.

The first year was okay. I was very happy and in love. He was doing everything to impress me and to give me a sense of security and protection. He was a little rough around the edges and had a reputation around town that he worked hard to live up to, and it was very important for him to maintain. He needed people to like him, but more importantly, he needed people to fear him and believe he had pull and power.

I began to watch his interactions with others, and I began to ignore my own inner feelings of something wasn't right—the gut feeling we all have! That feeling was always pushed aside and replaced with Oh, he's just misunderstood. Everyone just tries to take advantage of him. He has so much potential. He doesn't mean any harm. They just need to get to know him better and see the softer side of him.

There were so many warning signs, and the longer I ignored what my gut, eyes, and ears were telling me, the more I began to talk myself into why I should stay in the relationship and why he needed me.

This is the mistake that so many of us women make over and over again. We begin to feel like we can help them; we begin to feel like we can change them. We ignore the fact that they don't even have a relationship with their own mothers and then we become their mother. And now we're wondering why they talk and treat us the way they do.

We listen to their reasons why no other relationship thrives. No matter with friends, family, or even their own children. We see the dysfunction caused by them, and we know it's wrong, but again we ignore and continue to do what we do best and begin to offer comfort and words of encouragement. We tell ourselves it's something he's dealing with, and we need to help him through it…and so it begins!

We are now two to three years into the relationship, and I have convinced myself that I got this. I can help him become better, become the best person he can be. Because I see the potential others don't see.

We've had a lot of pillow talk and charming moments where he showed me he could be very loving and kind, even with my son. I saw how he strived to have more and how he wants more for us as a family. Now that he's shared all his dreams, thoughts, and ideas with me, the more I felt the need to help him achieve those dreams, because after all, he wanted this for us, right?

During this time, again I was blinded and ignored more warning signs, the little things as they changed. Now I was more focused on the fact that he's trying to build an empire for us. I needed to do my part no matter what that looked like.

I ignored the fact that I was being told what to do, how to do it, and when it needed to be done. I ignored the disciplining measures he took with my son. I pushed every light-bulb moment to the back of my mind. Before I knew it, I was doing any and everything he said or needed to get things done.

I even ignored the fact that other people that were helping get his plans off the ground were seeing and feeling the effects of the narcissistic wrath also. This, however, caused a detrimental effect for myself because when others spoke their minds and questioned his control and manipulation, I stood back, looked, and listened but didn't say anything, nor did I defend him or his character.

I ended up being the dumping ground for all the problems. Anything that wasn't right or didn't go right according to him became my fault!

When someone questioned him regarding his tone or actions toward them, this made him very uncomfortable. He had to then manipulate the situation and make them think he really didn't know, and that he was truly concerned.

Once we were home, I had to listen to him tell me, How dare they question me! and it would once again become my fault because I should have handled it, or I should have stepped in and said I'll handle or take care of it. I know he has a lot on his plate, and he can't do everything!

We (women) never really truly see that this empire is going to be built by any means necessary; also, that it means that we have to give up all our hopes and dreams. We are so focused on what he needs and what he wants that we are now conditioned and we are convinced that once we finish helping and working on all his dreams and desires, we can start to do what we want to do.

At this point, I've dealt with this type of behavior and still never spoken up regarding anything.

The one time I built up enough courage and said what I thought and felt, it turned into the biggest argument which brought out another level of his control and manipulation. It led to him only again blaming me and questioning me for questioning him and him telling me I better not ever ask, think, or insinuate that he doesn't know how or isn't doing things right.

Especially when he's busting his butt trying to do all this for us.

At this point, I'm tired of arguing; my point still isn't getting across, and now I feel bad because I brought it up, and now I'm left feeling like I should have never said anything in the first place.

Now three to four years married, taking care of home, children, and not to mention running a business that he started but doesn't have time for because he's now trying to start another business that he feels will be the next moneymaker. But he can't find anyone else to run for him.

A narcissist always wants more; they always strive for more, they want everything and want to be important, but they never want to do the hard work to get these things. They feel that it is someone else's job to do it. They will rather just manipulate someone to do it for them. Therefore, if it fails, they won't look like a failure, and they can easily just blame someone else.

I continued what seemed a never-ending cycle. I still ignored my own feelings, and I never realized at what point I lost my voice! I lost my power and self-esteem! Nothing I thought or felt had any value anymore. I became so consumed with what he thought, felt, or wanted.

It's hard to explain to someone that hasn't experienced these feelings, but I know it's so many of us women who have. It's the feeling of just being stuck!

Through many arguments and sleepless nights, I began to allow myself to just go with whatever was said and do whatever he wanted. I was manipulated to believe that I'm not giving it my all in the relationship and as it pertained to working to build our empire! Because I worked in customer service, he would always tell me I'm the one who's the people person. Everyone likes me, and I know how to talk to people, so I should be doing more than what I'm doing—that I can easily get my friends, family, and