Hidden Beneath It All

By Julie Vivier

It is amazing that on a daily basis we meet so many women (and men) whom have experienced some form of verbal, emotional, or physical abuse. It is almost becoming the norm to hear of or be on the receiving end of this torment, which can be so destructive in peoples lives.

Sometimes this is not experienced until later on in relationships, and at that time, it is more than often too late to be stopped. Yet no one should have to be subjected to behaviour of this nature.

This book is a culmination of many experiences and challenges faced by people and how their lives were either destroyed or indeed regained through their journey. While not intending to create solutions for repair, the book does aim to generate awareness of the occurrences, leading to each individuals own way of dealing with their own unique situation.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Partridge Publishing Africa
• Release date: Nov 11, 2014
• ISBN: 9781482804317

Julie Vivier

At forty-two years of age, Julie is an accomplished businesswoman, having worked in both the corporate and nonprofit sectors for the last twenty-five years. Her areas of expertise include financial management, governance, corporate report writing, fundraising, communications and marketing, focusing of various elements of South Africa’s social development issues, child abandonment, and HIV disease management. Currently, Julie is employed as a funding manager for a large international, non-profit organisation. She is happily divorced, with two children aged twenty-one and thirteen, and living in the beautiful suburb of Hillcrest in the KwaZulu-Natal Province of South Africa.

Book preview

Copyright © 2014 by Julie Vivier.

ISBN:      Softcover   978-1-4828-0432-4

                eBook        978-1-4828-0431-7

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

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CONTENTS

1. Realisation…

2. Was One Affected?

3. Got to Move Along

4. Time to Focus

5. The Purpose

6. The Start of it All

7. Enter the Third Party

8. Fateful Day

9. One’s Darkest Moments

10. Unclaimed Success

11. First Attempt

12. Blessing of Orion

13. Warning

14. The Bombshell

15. Lost Years

16. Improvements and an Oops

17. Execution

18. Rebuilding Life

19. Overcoming Through Strength and Healing

20. What’s Next?

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

Editing by Sue Miles, Working Words

Photography by Colin Browne Photography

For Gwen, Gloria and Angelique – who gave me clarity!

DISCLAIMER

This is not about You, You or You. Just Me, my thoughts, my ideas and my possibly, very skewed, views on life as we all experience it today. However, if you think it’s about You, then You need to consider why You think it’s about You.

This book is based on incidents, happenings and just regular occurrences, which we hear about in everyday life. And maybe….just maybe, some may have happened to You too. There is no intention for any content to be based on one single story or any one person’s life, it may just be that the incidents appear to be very similar.

1

REALISATION…

S o here I am, Saturday morning at the local seaside flea market at my now regular visit to the tarot card reader. Yes I’m a stickler for wanting answers and for just wanting to know. I’m not really sure what I want to know, I never seem to get the question clear but then again, I’m such an open book and while I try to hide years of torment and pain, my deep blue eyes may very well tell a very different story.

The first three cards are turned – who is the man in your life, the one who is in business, drinks a lot and enjoys rugby and golf and is waiting patiently for you, she asks. Huh? Man, what man? I thought I had banished all ounce of opposite sex involvement from my being. Confused as hell, I look at her blankly, again with another Huh? This man sounds just like the average South African male and not one that’s going to blow my socks off.

Moving along. The next intrepid batch of pictures, containing lots of golden circles, are drawn. Oh she says with such surprise, when are you going to use your creative talents to further yourself? Mmmm, I’m an avid crafter – power tools, nails, damn hot glue guns and many other dangerous objects females are not normally known to get excited about – my sexy threesome: Me, Stanley and Philip. While I dabble, it will hardly be the income I am used to getting in my senior position. She questions me – art? Music? Ah literature she says. Now where are we going with this, I wonder.

You can write, can’t you? Can’t most people? But yes, I am a better-than-average business writer. Then, out comes my deepest desire not known to more than two people. That book you want to write, you can do it but with that sense of humour you and your father have. Ouch, not sure if many people find us that funny, rather wicked and evil. Nevertheless now I’m listening – this is what I guess everyone has a secret fantasy of, writing a book. But she is spot on. I have wanted to write a book – a self-help, motivational, slit your wrists one about abusive relationships. Always thought the topic would be so depressing, no one would sit up and take note so I never did it.

What makes one cope through the traumatic, lack of confidence, distressing and painful – emotional and physical – times? Talking to ones’ self, laughing, smiling, pretending life is a bed of roses and all is perfect. What a load of bull, but it works. It works because others are gullible and the thoughts of embarrassment and failure are too hard to bear. One learns the art of manipulation of people around you – one gets tips from the other person in one’s life. An image of perfection is portrayed and a fine art that is. They will never know how bad you have it or have had it – the sense of worthlessness instilled in the self is less than the sense of trying to compete with your friends over who has the happiest marriage or is the most in love couple. Note to self: over the top PDA (Public Displays of Affection for the not-so-informed) is as done up as a drag queen.

Back to the reading. I quickly realise, and decide, I do need to write that book – this book actually. I have the first two sentences bedded in my head and now we’re off (sounds like the start of a horse race). She still comes back to this man. Hello, there is no relationship – well not one of substance – not sure what a random, once in a while, hook up is classified as. Travel is just too expensive.

Perhaps I should tell you about the reading I had with her a few weeks prior to the book revelation. The first three cards are drawn…. You did nothing wrong. Oh boy here we go again, as open as if my soul was lying on the table. After several psychics and readers repeatedly tell you this, you really do have a change of heart and begin to believe it. This takes many a year to come to terms with. Reflection on one’s own life – although one tries to avoid going down that emotional path – leads to crying and that is not an acceptable pastime, when one has learnt to shut down every inch of emotional activity. However, the admittance of pain is necessary if one wants to realise one did indeed do nothing wrong and wants to move on in life and out of this warped circle one keeps one’s self in.

Not only did one do nothing wrong once, but nearly twice. How is it possible for someone to end up in the same awful situation again? Quite easy in fact! Different levels of intelligence on the part of the other, different methods of caring and different levels of affection, yet all with the same result – self-obsessed control.

By now you are probably wondering what I am referring to unless of course I have hit a nerve and one knows exactly where I’m going with this. For the person that’s been lucky enough not to be a member of this very large circle (a lot bigger than is possibly known), I am talking about psychotic and / or manipulative and / or egotistical and / or emotionally-draining and / or all-of-it-together relationships. Let’s not call it abuse as that has a connotation of boxers’ black eyes and broken ribs. Then again, unless you are physically hurt, you cannot be in an abusive partnership. With a healthy dose of sarcasm dripping right off it!

Wake up call needed here – these relationships have no social standing or boundaries, are not limited to any racial or cultural group or even any income group. I do, however, believe there is a greater occurrence in partnerships – marriage or otherwise – where there are differing levels of personal insecurity and egotistical conflict and, yes, who brings in or does not bring in the bacon. Money may be deemed to be power – the power to control or the power to create feelings of inadequacies. Regardless, both can be equally destructive.

No one chooses to be in this circle of abuse, no one wants to be in the circle and let me tell you, it is very, very hard to get out of that circle too. We all hear – oh why doesn’t he or she just leave or I wouldn’t put up with that and my personal favourite, What’s wrong with these girls! By the way, there is nothing wrong with these girls – let’s get this clear now – as that’s the first statement which does not help women get out of the troubled lives they are living. Well you may be fortunate enough to have never been in the circle or you may be in it but could be one of the partners who place people in the circle. Don’t judge unless you have been there and refrain from making these comments until you understand. In most cases you will never understand, as so much of the circle activities are unbelievable and cannot be conceived in the outsiders’ minds.

Now to those in the circle and more so for those outside of it, the question always hangs in the air, how did one get there? Or in the words of Swedish House Mafia, Where did it all go wrong?

2

WAS ONE AFFECTED?

G rowing up was always a challenge – the challenge to perform, the challenge to be the best at everything and getting it right. Reading at three, excelling academically – sport was a waste of time unless one is born with exceptional talent and had been marked at the age of two or so to be an Olympic champion (most people I know that excelled at sport did nothing with it) – becoming a mathematical Olympiad boffin or at twelve being accepted into MENSA. Very hard standards to keep improving on.

Pretty…nope never considered to be one of the Valentine’s Day I have received so many gifts-type of girl. Who wants plastic carnations or roses anyway? Dust collectors which would drive an OCD perfectionist wild. Apparently, it turns out one was indeed the attractive type, just untouchable in the eyes of not-so-comparative performers. Being a 95% over-achiever is intimidating and rather scary for people on the opposite side of the fence. One doesn’t realise this is a potential area of concern in one’s teens and no one would say it out aloud either. But why should it be? Is one not there to live up to parental expectations and make them proud, and be competitive against peers? It’s about attitude. The over-achiever wants more and the not-so-over-achiever has the attitude of cynicism. Jealously, nastiness and the obsession to create false rumours are continuously rife – they hurt when one is young, but can become quite entertaining as we mature. Accusations of affairs with friends, neglecting ones’ children, and wait for it: you must have had Botox! Wish someone would fill in the accused as to when there was time to have all of these done. When was there time to lead such an exciting, dangerous and potentially-destructive life? In fact, one lives to provide the best for one’s children, learns to deal with stress of being in a public role