1313 Magnolia Way

By Niccole Sprague

Heartache, loneliness, single mom, divorce, emotional abuse, physical abuse, child abuse, sexual abuse, depression, anxiety, alcoholism, addiction, suicide, dating, marriage, poverty, self-doubt, failure, brokenness...the list goes on and on. Do any of these things resonate with you? Have you encountered any of this in your life...with you or a

• Language: English
• Publisher: Palmetto Publishing
• Release date: May 10, 2022
• ISBN: 9781638371779

Book preview

Chapter 1

The Ups and Many Downs

I am not an author, a poet, or a literary great. What I am is a forty-one-year-old single mom of six, that, like many, is just trying to get through life one day at a time. I suffer from depression and anxiety, and most days of the month, I have no idea where my emotions are leading me. I have days when I am completely fine inside and out, and other days, I am absolutely dying on the inside and cannot fathom how I am going to make it through the day without anyone noticing. Though the thing is, I always make it. It may take crying in my bathroom and praying to God for mercy, going to have a drink with a friend, or even scheduling a rant session with my therapist. But I always make it through. This book came about as a way for me to put down all my thoughts, hurts, stressors, and reliefs onto paper. Basically, it was to be a way for me to release every emotion that I’ve been holding on to and move past the past—to talk about what I’ve been through in this crazy life of mine; how I overcame each moment of diversity, physical, mental and sexual abuse; and anything else that life threw at me. It also helped me to realize that there are two major factors in those day-to-day emotions that keep me on a constant roller coaster. The first is because of the trauma experienced, and the second is because of the constant feeling of loneliness that consumes me.

It has taken me many years to realize that the majority of my emotions are due to the forms of trauma (and drama) in my life. The upcoming chapters will discuss each significant period in my life where trauma occurred, as well as the how and who that caused it. In the last chapter, we will also circle back and discuss what I have learned, a little further in depth than I do as we go along. But for now, I want to touch on what trauma is, because it took me this long to identify it in my own life. When you think of trauma, you may think of the obvious things like a significant injury, health crisis, a military vet that has been to war and is dealing with what they experienced, or even the coping of someone's tragic death. However, the definition of trauma is an emotional response to a terrible event. A terrible event may look different to you from what it looks to me. What is traumatic for you may not be for me. It is how our minds perceive it and process it. There are studies that show that people can begin to show signs of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) without ever realizing they have been traumatized.

As I went through periods of my life, I didn’t even know I was experiencing trauma as it was happening. It wasn’t until recent years, when I decided to really dig deep into myself through therapy, that I realized all of the hurt and anger that I’ve been holding on to inside is because of the trauma in my past. I’ve experienced physical, sexual, and emotional abuse over the course of my life. I’ve experienced being used and manipulated by people I’ve loved and cared for. I’ve also experienced abandonment and poverty. All of these things built me and made me the person I am today, but they also created psychological damage along the way. There is an image floating around the web and social media by an unknown author, and I’ve seen several variations of it over the years, but basically the gist of it is that we don’t get over our trauma, instead we make room for it and carry it through our life. Sometimes we even thrive in spite of it. Well, BAM! We thrive in spite of it. At the end of the day, like everything else, we cannot let trauma control our lives. We have to learn from it, grow from it, and move on from it to the best of our ability.

Then there's loneliness. This is something I feel on a daily basis, and it overcomes me in indescribable ways. I know you’re thinking what everyone around me says far too often and that is, How can you be lonely when you have six kids? Well, I am. For me, loneliness has nothing to do with being physically alone. Being alone is an exact state of being. We are alone in a room or office when no one is there. But loneliness is a feeling, an emotion, that comes over us when what we need or whom we need isn’t there. For me, it can come on as an overwhelming feeling from not having a significant other to share my life or stress with. Other times it comes on due to not having a friend to talk to in that moment. It can come on without warning, and it comes on strong. It is your mind playing tricks on you, leading you to believe that no one cares about you. My mind then goes down the rabbit hole and I replay everything I’ve ever done for people, and how no one cares enough to reciprocate. It causes me to feel alone inside and out, and I cannot cope in that moment. As we get further into my story, you will see why loneliness runs so deep within me. But you will also see that I and you are not alone. It is just a feeling we cannot shake. If loneliness is something you are dealing with, I want you to know that at least in that, you are not alone.

During the research I had done on the topic of loneliness, I found that out of all the articles and reports I read through, the consensus was that about a third of all those questioned reported that they felt alone or experienced loneliness frequently. Each research group questioned different numbers of people and test groups, but that is still a significant number of people that feel alone often. Why is it that we feel alone when we really aren’t? Well, loneliness is an emotion, and emotions are triggered by circumstance. We are human and we crave human interaction. You can say that you are an introvert and prefer being alone, but everyone needs human contact. We were created to be a community. Within that community, we exist as families, friends, co-workers, etc. It is imperative that we intertwine our lives with others’ in some way each day. When we do not, loneliness can set in.

I wish I could give you some great be-all and end-all answer to cure loneliness, but I haven’t figured that out yet. What I have figured out is that if I put myself out there more and not allow myself to always be consumed by my sadness then the loneliness tends to subside. This can involve me just going and window-shopping or people-watching, or getting friends/co-workers to go for a drink. As strange as it may sound, even a day at the beach listening to the waves alone has temporarily cured my loneliness. I think it is because the relaxation and meditation heal those feelings of loneliness and sadness within me. Again, it is not a lifelong cure, but it does afford me the opportunity to remove those emotions and revive my inner self—a mental tune up, as one of my friends likes to call it. It is imperative that we find things that work and do them often. It is good for the mind, the heart, and the soul.

There is such a stigma surrounding mental illness of all kinds. If you talk about it, you get judged. If you tell a guy that you have depression or anxiety, you risk being perceived as the crazy bitch the first time you both get into a fight. Tell them you take depression meds, and suddenly you’re accused of being bipolar. This all creates a much deeper feeling of anxiety and depression within you, because you can’t talk about it for the fear of it being used against you. Or at least that is how it was for me for so long. People don’t realize how many of us are actually dealing with these illnesses, with these symptoms. So many people cope with it in silence, like I did. You never know what could be killing someone inside and out. Not all diseases and illnesses can be seen, and not everyone with depression or anxiety shows signs. It can be experienced in many forms too. For some, it is a long-term disease, while others like me, may only experience it on a more situational basis. On top of the concern regarding the stigma around it, I just didn’t have time to deal with it. I had six kids to care for and support. There was, and is, no time in my schedule to pencil in lying in bed and not dealing with the world outside. I’ve always had to push it all down and fight through it. But that was and isn’t ok either. I wasn’t dealing with it properly. I wasn’t feeling what I needed to feel, and I wasn’t healing.

Like with addictions, you have to acknowledge you have a problem and that you want to fix it. That is the same with depression, trauma, loneliness, etc. You cannot wallow in it forever. You have to get to the root of the problem and try to fix it. Almost every situation can be helped if you work at it. It took a lot for me to finally see doctors and therapists over the years. I hated therapy and all the homework the therapists wanted to give me after each session. I also had a hard time with meds. Almost none of the depression meds worked on me, and those that did were short lived. But I faced my issues head on and I sought out help and treatment in hopes of changing me and my mindset. Maybe you don’t suffer from depression or anxiety. Maybe someone you know or love does. I challenge you to reach out to them, be there for them, and let them know you’re thinking of them. Sometimes that is all it takes to change their day or their mood, even if only temporarily. We never know what someone else is going through, and it is important that we show up for those in our lives. People fake being okay, not being depressed, or not feeling lonely.

As we go through the next few chapters, I will be telling you about the most significant and impactful relationships I’ve had in my life. These relationships and my upbringing are what I credit my trauma, my depression, my anxiety, my diversity, and even my successes to. As you read through these chapters, I imagine you questioning why I allowed myself to endure these situations or how could I keep putting myself in these situations. Some of it was even self-inflicted chaos and hurt. But, by the end of this book, I think you will see why it was all meant to be. What I needed to learn from it all, in order to get where I am today and to get past the past.

Chapter 2

The Early Years

I am the youngest of three kids; my brother and sister were born to my mom's first marriage, and I am the only child my parents had together. My father was a truck driver and did his best to be home every night when we were younger. My mom worked as a baker at one of the local grocery stores and worked mostly early hours, allowing her to usually be home by the time we were getting out of school. Both were hard workers and providers for our family. Looking back, I admire how they moved us from not-so-great apartments or rentals to what was a nice home in a nice neighborhood for that time. They worked for it, and they achieved it. They laid the platform for us on what hard work looked like and what it could accomplish. We moved to suburbia just before I started kindergarten, and I quickly made friends on our street and at my first school. We rode bikes, played ball in the street, built forts in the woods, and had sleepovers. Movieish one would think. But behind closed doors, it wasn’t always sunshine and daisies.

There was more often than not a lot of yelling going on in our house. Throwing of things in the kitchen happened from time to time too. I even recall a time when my dad got so angry with my mom that he took our family car and drove it down the street and parked it in traffic, and walked back. No idea what that was supposed to accomplish, but he was punishing her for something. Their fights were usually about money or accusations of my mom cheating. As a young child, I had no idea that this was an unhealthy marriage or household. I thought that this was what families were like and just how it was. I thought other families were just on their best behavior when we were visiting, but that everyone lived like this. I don’t know if it was the stress of it all, or their own pasts living within them, but sometimes it felt like we kids endured the backlash of their struggles. There were even times when the spankings went too far. Department of Children and Families (DCF) even made an appearance at our door a time or two. Being the baby of the group, I got it far less than my siblings, but I did get my share.

The worst of it for me was when I was in fourth grade. I refused to go to school one day because my cousins were staying with us and they didn’t have to go, so I felt why should I. I gave my aunt a hard time that morning and decided I just wasn’t going. Well, that caught up to me fast. That night, as all of us kids were sitting in front of the TV eating tacos, I suddenly heard my dad yell from the dining room, Little girl, we’re going to dance after dinner. I can’t remember what I mouthed off, but after dinner was suddenly right then. Next thing I knew, he was yanking me up off that floor and hauling me to his bedroom. I was thrown on the bed as he grabbed one of his thick leather belts from his dresser drawer. As he released the first swing, I struggled to get my legs free from his hand. The belt buckle flew from his grip and struck me in the mouth. My mouth and tooth were busted and blood was streaming out everywhere.