To Define or Be Defined

By Apaulo Sr.

Dive deeper into the depth of mental health and where it all comes from. To Define Or Be Defined is a stigma breaking, light shedding memoir of Apaulos life. Its for the world.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Feb 11, 2021
• ISBN: 9781098361280

Book preview

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PRELUDE

(one step closer to peace)

Before I start, I’m just going to say that as this goes on, keep paying attention. There are a lot of points being made that can easily slip by rather than be connected to previous parts of this journey. This is not meant to brag about my struggles, to validate myself, or to get sympathetic attention-especially coming from a small town, because to be honest, I hate when people feel bad for me. This is meant to address the very struggles a huge and steadily growing number of people suffer from daily around the globe, and the options we have around them. Everyone has struggles. We are left to make a decision to own them as just a piece to the puzzle that makes you who you are holistically or allow them to define you, hence the title ‘To Define or Be Defined.’ There’s two sides to all stats: the question is which one will you fall under?

Growing up I was just a generation short of the beginning of the stigma around mental illness and substance abuse really starting to get the recognition and understanding it deserves and (we as the people who suffer) need it. Still today the stigma around these topics are twisted, leaving those who suffer with the short end of the stick ironically enough. This book started off as just part of my recovery process, reconciling my past so I could see it all laid out and go back to dissect and address it. It turned into something for the world to hear whether it be right away or in due time. This is something for the 20 percent of people globally who have experienced first or second hand mental illness either currently or in a given year. Now, some cases may be more serious than others, as the possibilities and contributing factors around mental health/illness and how our brain copes with them can be both minor and major. Whatever the reason that you’re reading this hook; to reference your own hard point or whatever, doesn’t matter. It’s all valid, and it’s never too late. So here goes nothing!

Warning!

Sporadic moments / unclear / unfinished thoughts may occur during this read due to a left sided executive functioning brain deficit.

This is me though, so enjoy!

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Keep reading it’s a comeback story.

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February 11, 2000. I was brought into this world with a fist in my face and a black eye to show for it (true story). Fast forward 19 years plus some today, I’m still fighting. Now the majority of people wouldn’t be able to tell that by just looking at me but that’s regular. A person can only take so much until they become numb to the BS and learn to turn their emotions off externally, maybe even subconsciously. I mean face it, who wants to look how they feel if they’re depressed or on edge, right? Maybe it’s just the opposite. Some aren’t numb, they’re ultrasensitive, insecure and emotional, having outbursts and episodes, acting rude over even the littlest things. There is no set path or limitations upon which our mental illness takes us while dealing with trauma-ESPECIALLY when unaddressed. The possibilities of how our brain subconsciously copes with illness, especially if we don’t have knowledge around the root cause, are endless. If you’re one of the people (as I was for many years) who have suffered from one or multiple traumatic experiences and aren’t aware of your trauma and the impact it can have until you’ve woke up in a hole that seemingly keeps getting deeper every time you try to climb out of it, just know you’re not alone but you will need some help. Put your pride aside and give yourself a leg up on everyone in life with this knowledge of not only yourself but what’s inside all of us, some more animated than others.

The trauma and the struggles around your illnesses do not heal themselves like a headache or a cold. If you’re one of those people (like me) who experienced traumatic events at a young enough age and your emotional center then puts up a wall forbidding you from remembering. These events then become repressed memories left unaddressed and the outcome can cause you to go your whole life being misunderstood by yourself, those closest to you and frankly anyone who you encounter in life. Even when you wake up to your traumas, everything leading up to that point is no one elses’ responsibility but your own and this will be one of your first challenges, acceptance. For example, someone you try to reconnect with may not want to because they have put up a boundary due to past experiences with you. When these experiences go unaddressed, it's like a chain reaction. You can have trouble getting by, fitting in, making friends and being heard. Whatever it may be, it will be confusing and then lead to other emotions getting triggered like loneliness, fear depression, anger, anxiety, paranoia… whatever it may be. The possibilities are endless, causing even more judgement from the outside & inside, leaving you in a hole that regardless of your good intentions keeps getting deeper because no one can identify with you as you are yet able to even identify with yourself. Now finally when you address these issues the sad truth of it is that no one else will understand or be able to rationalize it like you will. You will have to accept that it has made you one of a kind and who you are today and left you wherever you may be at that point in your life. This is where radical acceptance comes into play which we will talk about more later. And Now that you know and are enlightened, you can move forward having this new emotional knowledge to help you get through the remainder of your life. You can interact healthier and remove the toxicity from around or from within. You can now focus on the present and not let these demons affect your future interactions, relationships, jobs, motivation etc. We put ourselves ahead by learning to control our mind and develop the skill to respond instead of react. We can pause and breathe and digest before moving forward with our rational mind rather than our emotional one. Whatever it may be in life we are now a step ahead because everyone has these triggers (some more animated than others) but if you are able to pinpoint when they’re approaching or what causes them to pop up, it doesn't matter now you have a grasp on your brain and your heart instead of it having a grasp on you. Speaking from personal experience, now having this knowledge, I don’t want to self destruct because I'm depressed, I don’t care or consider consequences. I don't want to self harm because it feels good, I don’t want to not get out of bed, or have rhetoric outbursts at people from my past or present searching for a response only I would get from myself. Now, I can redirect that negative energy towards something more productive or in a more positive way. Without these skills and knowledge in place, the whole course of your life is altered and when/if you're lucky enough to come to that realization just like I