Her Big Secret: Post Abortion and Pain Free

By Kimberly L Nitz

Abortion. The word itself is as chilling and sterile as the steel clinical
environment where it occurs. Years of silent screams, fractured
relationships and distorted reality was finally taking its toll on a
forty-something woman trapped in a teenager's nightmare.

Kimberly tells her story of a journey out of shame into the light of healing
- one step at a time - by grace, through faith. Millions more - men and
women alike - have experienced the after effects of abortion. And many still
wonder where to turn. Who will understand the empty ache, the waves of
guilt, the hidden shame?

In the end her healing is complete. Kimberly penned her way out of a tangled
web of emotion and pain by journaling her experience with courage and
determination. Finally she arrived! Finally she was free - to forgive
herself and hopefully lead others out of the dark road of flashbacks and
self-destructive behavior. Free to receive the joy of motherhood. Free to
reach out to hurting women with compassion, wisdom and the solidarity of
sisters, who share "Her Secret".

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Mar 31, 2014
• ISBN: 9781483530437

Book preview

beliefs.

Introduction

Girls, guys, moms, dads, sisters, and brothers. You have been affected by the experience of abortion, either directly or indirectly. This is for you. Maybe you personally did not have an abortion, but someone close to you made the choice to have one as I did. Many times we are left wondering how to pick up the scattered pieces of our soul. Sometimes it happens so quickly and easily that we are left wondering what just happened. Do you feel like there is a missing link? A misplaced piece?

Is there something you are feeling on the inside of you that feels dishonored? Maybe even violated? Or maybe you can’t put your finger on it but you know there is something holding you back from feeling superb? Some of us need a good cleansing to release the pain. The kind of cleansing you feel after a good cry. When life starts to feel like a pressure cooker and you just know that if I let it all out I will feel better! If deep down on the inside of you there are feelings and issues you think maybe haven’t been completely resolved or maybe you wonder if there is a way to understand what you are feeling, this message is for you.

Do you feel like you have closed that chapter of your life and moved on, but wonder why you feel depressed or sad, particularly when certain events trigger the memory? Do you avoid the topic of abortion because it is too painful for you? My hope is that we allow this book to help us recognize and understand some of the effects of post abortion stress syndrome, P.A.S.S. (a fancy word for unresolved pain!).

You owe it to yourself to STOP for a minute. Put the distractions of life on hold for a moment. Find time in a busy schedule long enough to focus on you. You are important. Think about your life. Slow down to speed up. A good cleansing is coming!

For the record, I do not enjoy using the term syndrome. It makes me feel like someone is trying to slap a label on my forehead that I have no control over. However, in reviewing the symptoms of P.A.S.S. for myself, I have realized that it helped me identify the areas where I needed help and enabled me to resolve them one by one. For the sake of the accuracy of reviewing the documented material we will refer to this as a syndrome. I am not at all assigning a label or a permanent condition on your overall health.

Chapter 1 Choices We Make

This book reflects the healing of my life. It will help post-abortive women who have suffered silently. Abortion is a severely traumatic event. Its effects on us are very similar to post traumatic stress disorder (PSTD). PTSD can be defined as a mild to acute disorder which can occur when a person has been exposed to a traumatic event. The event would have involved a perceived or actual threat to the person’s own life or physical integrity or that of another, such as a physical or sexual assault, rape, a serious accident, a natural disaster, combat, being taken hostage, torture, displacement as a refugee, sudden unexpected death of a loved one, and witnessing a traumatic event. (Rachel Yehuda, PHD N Engl J of Med Vol. 346, No. 2 - January 10, 2002).

I am not a doctor nor do I have experience in counseling. In this book I hope to express how I coped: in silence. The tormenting silence of life after a simple procedure. The silence that can deeply affect something at our inner core. Sometimes almost deafening. An emotion brooding like molten lava deep under the surface. An emotion untapped. An emotion so strong on the inside of me, it finally erupted – thirty-two years later, culminating into the writing of this book. A denial so strong and a hurt so deep that it brings tears to my eyes to just write that simple word. A three syllable word that still to this day pierces my heart. Can you relate with any of these feelings? Well, stay with me. I promise you will feel better when we get through the last chapter.

Many of you may ask, Life-long decision? I thought I made a quick and easy decision! I thought I made the pain-free decision! Well, so did I! How about our choice to continue our lives as we knew it? Life..... as we know it? What about that kind of decision? So many times we take that decision and use it as a period. That’s it, period! Almost as if that was simply the end of it. A little inconvenient situation that slowed us down a bit. While others that chose the route of parenthood try to mold their new life to their other than quick decision, we were left thinking that our life was going to continue as it was before. To pick up where we left off, erasing that moment of time in our lives. Unchanged, unmarked, and uninterrupted.

Unmarked, really? A life so secret that even at the very moment I write these words, I want to hide them. Maybe you feel the same just purchasing this book! I feel very ashamed, very exposed. In fact, I bet as you read this book you may feel like you need to be in your secret place hidden away where no one can see you or your face, not to mention the title of the book! I understand. That is okay. Get in your secret place, because that is where we will meet one on one in the quietness of our home, the parked car, or perhaps the park. There is healing in this process of walking through my life to discover your own.

Each of us has our own story. Our own pain. Our own secret. Let’s face it. What is the value in telling anyone about it? It is not one that finds humor or courage or honor -- all traits for a good story. I believe that is why this topic is so untapped. The mentionable and suggested option, that once elected becomes the unmentionable. The unspeakable. The big secret.

I grew up in small town America where everybody knew everybody. The everybody that I knew at the ripe age of fourteen, fifteen, or sixteen were vulnerable and exposed for the potential to have their first sexual encounter.

We are designed by God’s nature to multiply and fill the earth. We are all designed as men and women to be sexually attracted to one another. It is a wonderful experience that is designed to fulfill our own Cinderella story. Rules of courtship were put in place to help us choose a life partner that is right. I didn’t say perfect, but sometimes timing is everything!

Well, maybe like me, you were not raised with these moral, social principals put in place. I was raised in a quaint, little town in Southwestern New York State. My dad was a prominent business man that was always busy running several businesses and running for public office. Being with dad involved helping him with business activities like town dispatcher at age 12 for the village rescue squad and fire trucks, cleaning and closing the laundry mat, driving the hearse for funerals, or helping to deliver or pick up deceased loved ones. This gave me a sense of confidence and instilled in me a work ethic that would last a life time and continue down through generations. Our hometown village is surrounded by Amish and dairy farmers (yes, we’re still talking about New York State!) far from a preppy or country club setting. While many houses were in desperate need of repair, we lived in what seemed to be an upper end home compared to the rest. I always felt like we were the cream of the crop! Most of my extended family were modestly educated business owners.

Many folks in the village were unchurched, uneducated farmers or factory workers. Football is huge in this area, and I grew up cheering from age 5-18. I joined the Ski club at age 12 and continued downhill skiing with the team through high school until age 18. I played softball. I mowed lots of grass and even tarred driveways. I was sweet on the outside and tough as nails on the inside. I felt like I was the crème de la crème! (I later moved into a city down in the state of Virginia at age 22 and found I was still just a small town country