Healing the Heartbreak of Grief

By Peter James Flamming

Free yourself from the threads of grief that grip your heart.

In an irreversible moment, your life changes forever. Your life is upside down and your heart is inside out. Life goes on for others, but yours came to a screaming halt. With comfort and assurance, Dr. Flamming points ahead to tomorrows that will become a little easier than today. From years of pastoral experience and the heartbreak of losing his own son, the author knows that grief is anything but a tidy, predictable progression.
Written in short, easy chapters, with practical helps, this book can be your companion as you struggle to pick up the pieces and go on.

Contents:
When Grief Breaks In
What Do I Do Now?
Unpredictable Emotions of Grief
Decide Who to Talk To
When One Day at a Time is Too Much
Find Your Releasing Activites
Strength from Beyond Yourself
Soemtimes Faith Needs Healing
Turning Points and Beginning Again

• Language: English
• Publisher: Abingdon Press
• Release date: Sep 1, 2010
• ISBN: 9781426726545

Peter James Flamming

Dr. Peter James Flamming is pastor emeritus of the First Baptist Church of Richmond, Virginia, where he served as senior pastor for more than twenty years. Under his leadership, Richmond’s First Baptist became a vibrant and diverse urban congregation, and it remains so today. Ordained as a minister in 1955, “Jim” Flamming celebrated his sixtieth anniversary of active ministry as this book went to press. While keeping a busy schedule of speaking, preaching, and writing in his retirement, he has also served as a visiting professor at the Baptist Theological Seminary at Richmond. His current book project explores personal approaches to prayer, faith, and community. He lives in the Richmond area with his wife of sixty years, Shirley Northcutt Flamming, his sister-in-law, Ann Cook, and their beloved dog, Susie.

Book preview

Healing the

Heartbreak of

Grief

Healing the

Heartbreak of

Grief

Peter James Flamming

Abingdon Press

Nashville

HEALING THE HEARTBREAK OF GRIEF

Copyright © 2010 by Abingdon Press

All rights reserved.

No part of this work may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying and recording, or by any information storage or retrieval system, except as may be expressly permitted by the 1976 Copyright Act or in writing from the publisher. Requests for permission can be addressed to Abingdon Press, P.O. Box 801, 201 Eighth Avenue South, Nashville, TN 37202-0801, or e-mailed to [e-mail].

This book is printed on acid-free paper.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Flamming, Peter James, 1934-

Healing the heartbreak of grief / Peter James Flamming.

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references.

ISBN 978-1-4267-0221-1 (pbk. : alk. paper)

1. Grief—Religious aspects—Christianity. 2. Bereavement—Religious aspects—

Christianity. 3. Loss (Psychology)—Religious aspects—Christianity. I. Title.

BV4905.3.F53 2010

248.8'66—dc22

2009024268

All Scripture quotations unless noted otherwise are taken from the New Revised Standard Version of the Bible, copyright 1989, Division of Christian Education of the National Council of the Churches of Christ in the United States of America. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations noted RSV are taken from the Revised Standard Version of the Bible, copyright 1952 by the Division of Christian Education of the National Council of the Churches of Christ in the United States of America. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations noted NCV are taken from the New Century Version®. Copyright © 2005 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations noted NIV are taken from the Holy Bible, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. All rights reserved throughout the world. Used by permission of the International Bible Society.

Scripture quotations noted KJV are taken from the King James or Authorized Version of the Bible.

10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19—10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

MANUFACTURED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

To the Memory and Joy of

Peter Dave Flamming

C o n t e n t s

Introduction

When Grief Breaks In

What Do I Do Now?

Unpredictable Emotions of Grief

Decide Whom to Talk To

When One Day at a Time Is Too Much

Find Your Releasing Activities

Strength from beyond Yourself

Living with Your Questions

Turning Points and Beginning Again

Notes

I n t r o d u c t i o n

G

rief happens. It is part of life. Because it often comes in small doses, we don't readily identify it as grief. But it is there. You are in the third grade when your closest friend tells you she is moving because her father has been transferred.Your first response is, No! Tell me it's not true. But it is true and you feel the loss keenly. Still, you replace that friend, and she finds new friends in her new location.

But in this book grief walks the road called heartbreak. We are dealing with irrevocable loss. What has been can never be again. We may have lost someone we have deeply loved. Or we may be facing health adjustments we never could have imagined happening to us.I think of wounded veterans whose lives are changed forever. No word, no phrase can carry the true burden of what is felt. We feel as if we are dying inside. It is like someone has hit us with a blow that has taken all of the life, the hope, and the future away from us.

With this kind of heartbreaking grief you likely have had no experience. It is like being lost in a forest you've never visited, on roads you've never traveled, toward a destination you know not where. The inner pain of loss is so intense that you are at first

numb. You may think, This is the sort of thing that happens to others but not to me, not to us. But there you are. It has happened. You are apt to ask yourself, How am I going to make it through this? That is what this book is about.

My sharing with you about grief comes from three sources.First, I took a keen interest in grief during my graduate studies. Fortunately, a large amount of study and research has gone into understanding grief. Second, I have been a pastor for more than fifty years, walking with others through their grief experiences. Third, my wife, Shirley, and I lost our thirty-three-year-old son to leukemia. Married with three children, Dave was in graduate school at the University of Texas when he began to have a pain in his leg. He went to the Health Center at the university. When they did some blood work, they discovered he had leukemia. He and his wonderful young family came to Richmond, Virginia, where I was pastor. He received treatment at the Massey Cancer Center. For fifteen months we fought it. His brother Douglas provided a bone marrow transplant. We all thought we had won the battle. But it was not to be. When it turned, it turned in a fury, and we lost him.We began walking a road we had never walked before, feeling emotions and despair we had never felt before. We began to live out the question, How are we going to make it through this?

As time passed, I began to experience the healing side of grief.I learned by trial and error that there were some important steps to take in turning the grief experience into a healing experience.These steps do not necessarily come in a predictable order. But they are crucial, and that is what this book is about.

I will also introduce you to a phrase that you may not have heard before: the wisdom of grief. I believe that wisdom is at work in the process of healing. It is usually unnoticed. But the wisdom of grief is quietly transforming things whether we are aware of it or not. We will be looking at that in the first chapter. I trust that this book may be a healing experience for you.

This book was not intended to be read straight through, as you would read most books. As you deal with your heartbreaking grief, take your time. Read this book in bits and pieces, one chapter at a time. When you have finished, return to those chapters which are the most helpful.

One further word. Grief often begins as a family experience.But every person in the family handles grief in a singular way.Every family member needs to be allowed to work through deep grief in his or her own way.

I would like to express my appreciation to my family members, who have walked with me through this experience. My gratitude embraces the churches I have been privileged to serve and, especially, the people with whom I have walked through sorrow. Dr. Joe Bauserman was my counselor. He was like a pastor to me during my darkest times. For his guidance I am eternally grateful. My deep appreciation goes to Dr. Kathryn Armistead, without whose guidance this book never would have come about.

Dr. Peter James Flamming

Richmond, Virginia

C H A P T E R  O N E

W h e n  G r i e f  B r e a k s  I n

G

rief is a heavy word. I know of no way to lighten its load upon our hearts. But before we begin to speak of the challenges of grief and how we will get through them, let me begin with helpful and positive words concerning what grief is about.

WHAT GRIEF IS ABOUT

Grief is to the inner self what the healing systems of the body are to the physical self. Just as the body has many systems that allow the physical self to heal when the body has been through trauma, so grief is one of the vital systems of the inner self that allows the emotional and relational parts of us to heal.

Suppose you were in a train wreck. You survived but received significant physical injuries. The physicians and surgeons did what needed to be done to help you not only survive but also heal and recover. Pain was part of the journey. Patience was needed. There were high times and low times. Sometimes you cried, sometimes you smiled, but always you hurt. But eventually, at a pace slower than you anticipated, you walked and smiled and worked again.The physicians and surgeons were indispensable agents of healing.The truth is that their task was to