Fear No More: A Psychotherapist's Guide to Freeing Yourself from Anxiety and Panic Forever

By Diana Hailparn

In Fear No More noted clinical psychotherapist Diana Hailparn teaches a step-by-step technique that enables people to understand, and overcome their fears, anxieties, and phobias. Hailparn illustrates how the sensitivities that enhance relationships and make people feel happy are the same sensitivities, when influenced negatively by the imagination, that result in vulnerability and fear.

You will learn how to understand why you were "selected" to experience fears, anxieties, and phobias; develop techniques to soothe yourself during panic; begin to quiet the inner voice that screams humiliation and disaster; allow your creative, powerful talents to emerge; develop strategies for dealing with hostile and critical people; start seeing the value of rewarding and appreciating yourself for your courage; and begin to love yourself in ways you never imagined.

Fear No More is replete with case studies and covered the fear response, creative imagination, social fears and their effect on relationships, the meaning of unconscious symptoms, nutrition and anxiety, fears of success, recurrence, and raising anxiety-free children.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Jul 9, 2001
• ISBN: 9781462840595

Diana Hailparn

Diana F. Hailparn is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, and is an internationally recognized Psychotherapist in private practice in Ramsey, New Jersey, with over 25 years of experience. Ms. Hailparn is a graduate of Columbia University with a Master of Science in Social Work, a Master of Arts in Human Development from Fairleigh Dickinson University, and a member of the National Academy of Certified Social Workers. As a self-employed Clinician she work with individual, groups, adolescents, and families. In addition, she supervises other therapists in their work with their patients. Her focus depends on the needs of the patient and is tailor made for each individual, be it behavioral, cognitive, or psychoanalytic/insight oriented therapy. She is a regular contributor to professional journals, as well as a monthly columnist for North Jersey Newspapers. She has appeared on television discussing psychological themes, and her book FEAR NO MORE was featured in Prevention Magazine's tape Nothing To Fear.

Book preview

PART ONE

UNDERSTANDING YOUR FEARS

In this part of the book, I want to introduce you to what fears and phobias are. Many people don’t really understand what their anxieties are all about, or why they were selected to be more fearful than the next person. I want to give you such knowledge so that you will become aware of what your fears are, and how they limit you.

Individually, you may have such fears as driving, giving a talk before a group, standing in line in a store, heights, flying, elevators, or perhaps just fearing the feelings themselves. An underlying dynamic could be a deep anxiety about success so that you have subtle (or not so subtle) ways of defeating yourself.

Whatever your fears are, I want you to begin to get an insight into what you are experiencing, so that you can realize how and why your anxiety occurs. In other words, I want you to become an expert on yourself, so that you’ll start to gain control over your fears, rather than having them control you. This is the first step toward fearing no more.

CHAPTER ONE

WHY ME?

Why me? You’ve probably asked yourself this question a thousand times. Why is it that everyone else steps on a plane, asks for their favorite magazine, and then casually reads it? Meanwhile I’m in agony wondering if my life is about to end. I panic the second I hear that announcement to fasten my seat belt.

Fearful people are always asking themselves why destiny selected them to carry such torturous anxiety. Other people seem to breeze through the same situation without panic. They step into elevators without a care in the world. Shopping and driving doesn’t faze them. Their hearts don’t start pounding at the sight of a dog being walked nearby. Every morning they leave their houses and cross the street to have coffee with a neighbor as if it were nothing. Why me? You have every right to ask such a question! It certainly is unfair that some people are more susceptible to painful, anxious feelings, whereas others aren’t.

Research on phobias and fears in general suggests at least some reasons why particular people fall prey to them and others don’t. In recent years we’ve been able to identify certain traits that many anxious people have in common. Not only that, but certain early influences that predispose one to suffer in this way have been identified.

Fearful people include artists, writers, musicians, and other talented people who are quite successful in relationships with both family and friends. Many anxious people are successful business people and pillars of their community. Yet what all of them have in common is fear, anxiety, and self-doubt.

Unfortunately many people constrict themselves with their fears so that they don’t realize their potential and talents. If only I weren’t so anxious I’d audition for the part. I’d love to fly to Europe, but the thought of flying terrifies me. I want that promotion, but it means taking the elevator to the sixtieth floor every day. But I can’t, so forget it.

Think about some of the traits that many fearful people have in common.

1.   Fearful people usually tend to be very sensitive and overly aware of other people’s reactions.

2.   They are highly imaginative. Often their thinking takes place in the form of mental pictures.

3.   They are negative thinkers in their feared situations, concerned about the worst that can possibly happen to them.

4.   Many have a feeling of insecurity and have lost confidence in themselves.

5.   They tend to give an outwardly calm appearance while churning inside.

6.   They want to please. They tend to do what others want rather than please themselves.

7.   They are self-conscious, easily embarrassed, and overly concerned about what other people think of them.

8.   They tend to be placid and fit into their environment, avoiding conflicts and even hiding from them

So why were you selected to be fearful? Glancing at the above list, you see that it includes many positive qualities—sensitivity, creativity, and a desire to please others. The problem is that you take the ball and run with it! Not only are you aware of others, but alas, a bit too concerned with what they may think and say about you.

Bob, a salesman for a major retail clothing manufacturer, felt extremely anxious whenever he had to do sales presentations. He dreaded them with a passion. The mere thought of standing up before his co-workers was enough to make him break out into a cold sweat. Bob would imagine that his mind would go blank and that he’d look like a fool, not to mention becoming the laughingstock of the whole company.

He constantly obsessed to his wife, Donna, about the other people and how cool, calm, and collected they looked. Meanwhile he saw himself as a shriveling bundle of nerves. He tortured himself with constant Why me? thoughts. All the others can get up and do these stupid presentations without blinking an eye. I’m the only one who dreads those damn meetings!

What Bob failed to realize is that most people are anxious, but that his imagination had a grip on him that he felt was unshakable. He mistakenly idealized his co-workers’ calm exteriors as an indicator of how they felt inside. This made him feel lonely and isolated. He believed that he had this horrible secret (his anxiety) that if discovered would render him vulnerable, and possibly cost him his job. Bob’s imagination let him see only the worst that could happen. He engaged in what is called catastrophic thinking, leaving him no room for a positive outcome.

In reality, as I later found out, some of Bob’s coworkers were so out of touch with people’s feelings in general they wouldn’t have known what a vulnerable person looked like. They concealed their feelings with grandiosity. Others didn’t suffer at work, but had different problems, particularly in relationships; they didn’t have real friends or love anyone. Thus they appeared confident and carefree because they invested nothing in other people.

Often we feel we’re the only ones who are afraid of our own shadow. Yet as human beings we are prone to continual levels of anxiety. There are plenty of things for a creative mind to seize upon. Just pick up a newspaper, watch television, even talk to a neighbor, and you are almost sure to hear about illness, divorce, violence, or dozens of other crises. We are constantly being reminded of our own frailties and how little control we actually have over our lives. What is special about us is that we translate this information into morbid and catastrophic fears.

It is especially important for you to know that anxiety is part of life. Everyone feels anxious. What matters is how the feeling manifests itself. It becomes a problem when the intensity is overwhelming and fear develops, giving you the feeling that you must be crazy. The man next to you in the restaurant eating alone seems to be enjoying himself, chatting with the waiter, reading a newspaper. Meanwhile you’re sitting in an agitated state, squirming in your seat. Or the woman driving her car up to the toll booth at the ominous bridge looks calm, while you wonder how in God’s name you’ll manage to cross that bridge without meeting your fate.

Again, you ask yourself Why me? as if some special force singled you out. But remember that you really are not alone in your struggle to overcome your fears. There are millions of fearful and anxious people out there who feel as you do. But there are an awful lot of people who don’t have to face their fears and admit to them as you might. People who live in cities where public transportation is readily available don’t have to confront the fear of driving. If they’re afraid of getting on a plane, then they can take a train (time permitting). If they fear speaking out in public, but are sitting in the audience, then they’re just fine at the same meeting where Bob was in a panic. Of course if these same people move to the suburbs and are forced to drive a car, or as part of the business are required to fly, there’s no more avoidance!

John had a terror of flying, yet his wife Susan couldn’t understand why he made such a fuss. Although she listened sympathetically, she often told him to just get on the plane and forget about it. Then John took a new job in New York City with a major insurance company. He and Susan moved into an apartment on the upper West Side of Manhattan.

One day, after a particularly stressful week, Susan was riding the subway home from the Wall Street firm she worked at. Suddenly she felt extremely anxious. Her throat began to close and she trembled. She prayed for the train to get to the next station. Her heart pounded so fiercely she thought she might be having a heart attack. Each second seemed like an eternity. Susan staggered off the train and somehow made it through the exit doors and up the stairs to the sunlight. Only then did the symptoms pass. When she described her ordeal to John, he knew immediately what had happened, since this was exactly how he felt when boarding a plane.

This is not an unusual story. Perhaps it is not as consoling as it could be, right now, to know that you are not alone, that the fear you carry around is shared by others.

You may be thinking, But I feel it now! I feel alone and crazy today. Yet while you may feel crazy, you’re not crazy! It’s just that your fears are immediate and very present (not to mention painful). But they don’t have to continue. That’s what this book is all about, to help you identify your fears, realize that you are not alone, and move past these scary thoughts and start living life free from fears and phobias.

Let’s study more closely some of the qualities that sufferers have in common. I have already suggested imagination—the ability to see things that could exist. Imagination is a wonderful trait … except when you turn it against yourself. You could use it to envision a successful business meeting, finish a novel, give a super performance, and deal sensitively with your children. These are all life-enhancing experiences. You can use imagination in the service of positive thinking and to make you feel alive and rejuvenated. Or you can allow your imagination to take hold of you in a negative way and leave you very scared.

You think negative thoughts and then picture them in your mind’s eye as disastrous, catastrophic, and demeaning. Anticipatory anxiety grips you and makes you feel threatened and terribly afraid. You see yourself as a trembling, speechless wreck. Or you see the papers you hold trembling and people wondering what that rustling on the stage is. Think of yourself as not merely beset by imagination, but as misusing it. Right now you are using your imagination as a torturous weapon against yourself. Instead of picturing success you see failure and humiliation. Thus you feel discouraged and drained.

Many anxious people have admirable traits. They are known for being competent workers and excellent spouses. They are loyal and committed to relationships. But one of the problems underlying their fears and anxieties is that these people often sacrifice their needs and wishes just to please others and gain their approval. Joan, an attractive, soft-spoken woman in her mid-thirties, worked as an art director for an advertising firm in San Francisco. She was well respected by her colleagues and liked by her friends. But Joan suffered from a powerful fear: she dreaded asserting herself. Her character fit the pattern of many fearful people. She had imagination, intelligence, and an eagerness to please and do a good job. But she avoided any confrontation with people, especially at work. Nor could she assert herself with friends, even when they deserved a confrontation. She imagined she’d be rejected or laughed at behind her back. Her imagination provided all kinds of humiliation scenarios.

Thus people took advantage of her. She had a tendency to pick up the check at lunch or dinner, and often the gesture was not reciprocated. At work, she couldn’t bring herself to ask her secretary to stay after five o’clock, even