Loving in the Grown Zone: A No-Nonsense Guide to Making Healthy Decisions in the Quest for Loving, Romantic Relationships of Honor, Esteem, and Respect

By Alfred A. Edmond Jr. and Zara D. Green

Too many people have surrendered to the belief that dissatisfaction, neglect, infidelity, abuse, disrespect, conflict, exploitation and betrayal are natural, normal, and unavoidable characteristics of romantic relationships and even marriage. We are presented with a choice: relationships that dont last and relationships that do, as long as participants are willing to endure inevitable suffering, mistreatment, and victimization, usually at the hands of one another.

Loving in the Grown Zone is a rejection of that thinking. It is testament to the authors belief that while there may be no such thing as a perfect relationship, that is not justification for accepting anything less than healthy relationships. No one is required to accept mistreatment as the price of a loving, safe, and sustainable relationship of honor, esteem, and respect. Furthermore, establishing such healthy, resilient, and fulfilling relationships are not a matter of luck or chance, but of intention, learnable skills and practices, and commitment to personal growth. Loving in the Grown Zone urges you to learn those skills and commit to those practices, including recognizing the difference between the attractors that motivate us to initiate romantic relationships and the sustainers required to ensure that such relationships are healthy, safe, and affirming for both partners.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press
• Release date: Oct 29, 2014
• ISBN: 9781452597546

Alfred A. Edmond Jr.

Zara D. Green and Alfred A. Edmond Jr. are co-principals of A2Z Personal Growth Enterprises, producer of The Grown Zone discussion series. The couple leads sessions on personal growth, self-love and resiliency, healthy relationships, and “Grown” decision-making via webinars and live events across the country. Join Zara and Alfred in the Grown Zone GrownZone.com Twitter: @GrownZone Facebook: /GrownZone Instagram: @GrownZone Google+: +GrownZone

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Copyright © 2014 Zara D. Green and Alfred A. Edmond Jr..

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The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

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ISBN: 978-1-45259-753-9 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4525-9755-3 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4525-9754-6 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2014919253

Balboa Press rev. date: 10/22/2014

Contents

Dedication

Preface

Introduction

Adulthood Happens: Personal Growth Is A Choice

To Find Healthy Love, Embrace Your Single Life

3 Signs That He Is Not A Grown Man

3 Signs That She’s Not A Grown Woman

Hot New Romance? Only Fools Rush In

3 Reasons We Commit To Love That Won’t Last

4 Things You Shouldn’t Give Up For Love

3 Keys To Healthy Relationships

A Quality Mate Never Needs A Makeover

What Grown Folks Know About Love That Most Don’t

Forget The Man Shortage: Grown Men Don’t Cheat

Don’t Confuse Sex And Love

What To Look For In The Search For Lasting Love

If You’re Addicted To Love, It’s Not Love

To Find Healthy Relationships, End Unhealthy Ones

3 Ways To Treat Break-Ups As Acts Of Love

Respect The Power of The Poonannie (Feminine Sexuality)

Be Guided By Self-Love, Not Ego

Why Players Don’t Deserve A Pass

Stop Being Fooled By ‘I Love You’

Possessiveness Has Nothing To Do With Healthy Love

A Grown Man Is Not Ruled By His Sex Drive

Never Settle For Less Than Good For You

Just Say No To Crazy Love

4 Popular Relationship Fixes That Never Work

Grown Fatherhood Is A Choice, Not An Accident

Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself For Love

Stop Financial Foolery In The Name Of Love

Wedding Planning Is Not Marriage Planning

To Find Love, Accept No Substitutes

Forgiveness Does Not Mean Accepting Unloving Treatment

How To Recognize Good Love

Glossary

Resources

About the Authors

Dedication

T o Sam Green Sr., Lillie Mae Green, Virginia Edmond, and Alfred A. Edmond Sr. Thank you for teaching us the importance of honor, esteem and respect; the infinite value of acceptance, compassion and forgiveness; and showing that as long as we can breathe and learn, we can get better.

Preface

T here is no such thing as a perfect relationship.

This is a fact. However, it is too often stated to infer something that is not true: It is impossible—and therefore unreasonable to expect—to create, nurture and sustain a healthy, consistently loving relationship.

As a result, too many people accept that dissatisfaction, neglect, infidelity, abuse, disrespect, conflict, exploitation and betrayal are natural, normal and unavoidable characteristics of romantic relationships, and certainly of marriage. We are presented with a choice: Relationships that don’t last, and relationships that do, as long as participants are willing to endure inevitable suffering, mistreatment and victimization, usually at the hands of one another.

Loving in the Grown Zone is a rejection of that thinking. It is testament to our belief that while there may be no such thing as a perfect relationship, that is not justification for accepting anything less than healthy relationships. No one is required to accept mistreatment as the price of a loving, safe and sustainable relationship of honor, esteem, respect. Furthermore, establishing such healthy, loving, resilient relationships are not a matter of luck or chance, but of intention, learnable skills and practices, and commitment to personal growth.

As you read this book, we challenge you to believe that you can have—and are indeed entitled to—joyful, secure, healthy relationships of fulfilling and lasting love, with no strings attached and no suffering required. Indeed, such relationships are your inheritance, what you were born to and created for. To claim your birthright, you only have to accept it unconditionally and without compromise. Our hope for you is that you will allow this book to help you to claim what is yours.

We say these things not based on what we’ve seen and read, but what we’ve experienced. We know what it means to settle for less, and then get even less than we settled for—and between us, we have four marriages (resulting in two divorces each) built on the poor foundation of unhealthy relationships, to show for it. We also know what it means to adopt an uncompromising standard of self-love, and to accept and give nothing less than honor, esteem and respect in our treatment of one another. As a result, we enjoy a dynamic, loving and resilient partnership, free of the discord, dishonor, dissatisfaction and disrespect people routinely accept as unavoidable in relationships. This book, and other elements of our Grown Zone personal growth initiative (GrownZone.com), is aimed at sharing what we’ve learned with others, including you, and to shorten the learning curve, so you don’t have to pay the high experiential tuition we paid for the lessons.

We express our gratitude to some of the very special people who have been sources of wisdom, guidance, inspiration, practical information and encouragement in our journey to publish this book, including Mia Hall, Yolanda Oliver-Morgan, Mell and Angela Monroe, Ronnie and Lamar Tyler, Paul C. Brunson, Danyele Davis, Wendell Mosby, Judge Lauren Lake, Aprille Franks-Hunt, Kimberly A. Blackwell, Gale V. King and Dr. Wayne Dyer. Last, but not least, a special shout out to Tamika Brown, Carlease Burke, Angela GG Davis, Danielle R. Gabriel, Keisha Jones Smith, Allison Todd and their fellow members of the Grown Zone posse who tune in to our radio show faithfully each week on Self-love Saturday.

Finally, we thank you, the person holding this book, for gracing us with your trust as we urge you to commit to Loving in the Grown Zone.

Introduction

Beyond Adult: Making Better Decisions

S haron , a single, financially independent, educated professional woman, meets the charming, funny and gorgeous Devin while out on the town with her girlfriends at the club. The chemistry is intoxicating; they almost immediately begin an intense sexual affair. In a matter of weeks, Sharon falls deeply in love with her man, dreams of spending her life with him, and becomes pregnant—all before discovering that Devin is married with three children and at least one other mistress. After a period of anger and devastation, she resigns herself to single motherhood and life without him. Late one night, Devin shows up at her door, full of apologies, declarations of love and promises to make it up to her. Sharon lets him in and resumes their affair. Two years and an additional pregnancy later, her only communication with Devin is her ongoing battle to collect child support.

Joshua, a hard-working, responsible, blue-collar professional, meets Samantha, an attractive, God-fearing woman, in church. They become friendly over weekly Bible study, and eventually start dating, while remaining celibate out of respect for their shared Christian beliefs. As a demonstration of his love, Joshua gamely tries to satisfy Samantha’s appetite for four-star restaurants, designer shoes, and expensive jewelry—even taking on overtime at work when he can. When Samantha has a crisis—such as the impending repossession of her car—she counts on the reliable, devoted Joshua to bail her out. After six months of dating Samantha exclusively, his savings exhausted and credit maxed out, Joshua is laid off from his job. He notices that Samantha seems more distant, though when asked, she insists nothing has changed. A month later, she ends the relationship. God has led her to the man He has chosen for her (Roberto, a member of their church’s ministerial staff who owns a successful real estate business). Samantha has agreed to marry him.

These scenarios are all-too familiar most people (if you don’t know these people, you’ve likely been in the shoes of at least one of them). What they have in common is that they are comprised of adult choices that everyone involved had every right to make. More importantly, they graphically illustrate that there is a world of difference between an adult choice and a Grown decision. Consistently making better decisions requires far more than merely achieving adulthood and declaring, I’m grown!

Teaching the difference between adult choices—what we have the right to do—and Grown decisions—that which is in our best interest to do—is the mission of the Grown Zone, the multimedia initiative that we launched through our company, A2Z Personal Growth Enterprises, in November of 2012. Today, the Grown Zone can be found on a number of social media platforms, including Twitter, Facebook, Google+ and Instagram. The Grown Zone Show on BlogTalkRadio (BlogTalkRadio.com/GrownZone/) has gained a loyal listenership for weekly live broadcasts at 12 noon EST each Saturday, as well as a podcast available via iTunes and apps for Android devices. And we’ve experienced growing demand for our live Grown Zone events, including our first Grown Zone Self Love and Healthy Relationships Retreat at Chicago’s Welcome Inn Manor in November 2013. That event also resulted in a weekly Grown Zone relationships blog for the Love channel of JetMag.com. This book is largely comprised of posts to that blog, in addition to posts from our blog at GrownZone.com and other Grown Zone branded content.

As you read this book, you’ll quickly learn some of the key principles (including several of those which were violated by Sharon, Devin, Joshua and Samantha in our examples above) of moving beyond adult choices to healthy, grown decision-making. Our goal is to take on some of the poor decision-making, misguided advice, unproductive beliefs, and yes, ratchet behavior, that seems increasingly accepted and even celebrated in popular culture, despite the human destruction (physical, emotional, psychological, spiritual and even financial) left in its wake. We also aim to make you less fuquitable (pronounced foo-QUIT-a-bul), meaning less vulnerable to deception and manipulation in relationships.

Living in