Nothing Is What It Appears To Be

By Shanaya Hassaan Ali

“I just want the truth to be known on what’s intentionally hidden, not talked about, and misunderstood.”

                                                            &nb

• Language: English
• Publisher: ShanayaNour
• Release date: Mar 1, 2019
• ISBN: 9781733554916

Shanaya Hassaan Ali

Shanaya Hassaan Ali was born and raised in Harlem New York. She grew up with a lot of love but struggled severely with what could be considered spiritual attacks mostly during her sleep. It was hard for her to talk about her problem because it was considered to be paranormal, crazy, or scary. Her education is what set the foundations for her to have the courage and the skills to write her Autobiography entitled Nothing Is What It Appears to be. She graduated from Lehman College with a Bachelors in Accounting and Business but quickly found out that the business world didn't match her humanitarian heart. She went back to school to receive a Masters in Anthropology and Sociology. Her interaction with poor people for her thesis proposal in Egypt is what sparked the idea that people needed her story. She saw and heard about many people struggling to eat but also with paranormal experiences. It was all too familiar to her. Shanaya opened up about her struggles and found that many people reached out for her support, so she decided to make her life and journey available to everyone in hopes that it would help and inspire even one soul.

Book preview

Nothing IS What It Appears To be

Shanaya Hassaan Ali

ShanayaNour LLC

Copyright © 2019 by Shanaya Hassaan Ali

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www.ShanayaNour.com

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All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other non commercial uses permitted by copyright law.

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Note to reader. This work is an autobiography based solely on my memory and my mother’s occasional reminders. I have a sharp memory so I will give this work 85-90 % accuracy. Names, some places, and some characteristics have been changed for the protection of privacy. I have done my absolute best to tell a truthful authentic story.

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Cover design by David Ter-Avanesyan/ Ter33Design

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ISBN-13: 978-1-7335549-0 -9 (print)

ISBN-13: 978-1-7334459-1-6 (e-book)

LCCN: 20 18915160

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ShanayaNour LLC™

Vellum flower icon Created with Vellum

Contents

Dedication

Purpose

Introduction

Senona

The Journey Begins

Isabelle

Two Peas Looking for a pod

Change of Heart

Disillusioned

The Unexpected Connections

Sucked back into an old mess

A Permanent One Hundred and Eighty Degree Turn

Light at the End of the Tunnel

Acknowledgments

Shanaya Hassaan Ali Words for her Readers

Dedication

I dedicate this book to truth, the only thing that disperses darkness

Purpose

This struggle is beyond the imagination, so I exposed myself and my secrets in hopes to spread my truth and make life easier for someone else.

—S hanaya Nour Hassaan Ali

Introduction

M a they won’t stop bothering me, they make it so I can’t move and they do whatever they want to me. I said while running to my mother as she was basing chicken in the kitchen.

Who Shanaya? What do they do to you? My mother asked.

The people who are always here ma, they make it so my body can’t move when I want it to and do things to me. I feel trapped inside my body all the time ma, I answered while feeling confused as to why she didn’t know what I was talking about.

My five year old mind assumed she knew everything.

Shanaya there is no one here but you and I sweet heart. You are never by yourself. Someone is always here to protect you baby, Maybe you were dreaming, She answered with an expression of concern on her face.

She looked as if she was trying to figure out a puzzle.

Mommy I swear I was not dreaming, they are always here, I responded while again feeling confused by her.

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Hello my dear reader, my name is Shanaya Hassaan Ali and I welcome you into my Journey which is both intense and exposing. Before you can capture the heart of what I have offered here I ask that you keep an open mind and have an open heart. Something in my story is bound to challenge something within you.

Please stay with me, be calm, and take it all in even when it feels as if you are doing the impossible.

Now before you wonder why I request so much from you, please let me explain.

Nothing Is What It Appears to Be is a true and raw close up look into my unique fight with what cannot be seen by the naked human eye. You see from a young age I struggled with being harassed, beaten, and manipulated by things that are invisible. My experiences to most would be considered to be spirit attacks but I found out that it was much more deep that that. These experiences made me feel as if I was different and possibly cursed.

For a long time my mother and I tried to figure out my uncommon issue but there are no medical explanations or any kind of common senses amongst the people I grew up around when it came to what was happening to me. Growing up in Harlem New York made me scared that I would be ridiculed or called crazy if I talked about my experiences openly. Because my mother is very attentive towards me she knew that I wasn’t insane. She understood that I didn’t need to be on medicine and she was certain that I was not in need of any psychiatric help. I was completely normal besides battling with what I thought was spirits for reasons I had no clue about.

My mother’s determination to understand what was going on with her child led her to turn to a psychic who claimed to be a high spiritual worker. My mother assumed I had a spiritual issue that was unusual in the world we live in so turning to people who claimed to see what most people couldn’t made sense. After meeting with my mother this woman claimed to know all about my unseen and uncommon issues and promised to help us which is where I begin my story.

Dealing with this spirit worker caused my mother and I to have some crazy times. She ended up being a hateful inconsiderate manipulative money monger who took advantage of our vulnerability and desperate desire to make what I thought was spirits stop harassing and attacking me. After years of dealing with her, going through a lot of emotional roller coasters, and becoming over sixty-thousand dollars in debt from paying her, I grew up and decided that I would do everything I could to figure out my problem on my own. It was tough because I was experiencing many unusual things while trying to maintain my normalcy. I had to convince myself everyday that I was not crazy.

From the start I assumed that my issue was with understanding God and what he wanted from me so I hopped from spiritualist, to magicians, to more psychics, to angel readers, to so called priest and priestesses in many African based traditions who all added to both my struggle and my motivation to keep moving forward. After a lot of headaches, confusion, frustration, and exhaustion I finally was blessed with all the answers I needed and was beyond elated to finally understand what my paranormal experiences were all about.

I know that my situation is not commonly talked about and that’s why I decided that it was important to be brave and expose it. Not because I wanted to, no, it was many times while writing this work I was about to give up; recalling all of those bad memories was difficult.

I decided to put my naked self out on the line because from all that I had been through I understand that its necessary to expose the truth about tarot readers, spiritualist, modern day witches and wizards, magic both black and white, Polytheism, African traditions, voodoo, spirits, priest and priestess from the perception of someone who was very much apart of and trapped by all of it and all of them.

Too often people in need of spiritual help turn to these sources as me and my mom did only to be taken advantage of and misled.

I also wanted to start the conversation on the human relationship with a world that is all around us but we cannot see.

I know that it is people out there who are just like me and may be going through what I’ve been through but can’t talk about it openly because they don’t want to appear to be crazy. I also understand that it may be a lot of open minded people that will be able to relate to my story whether they have been through anything similar or not.

While writing this book I stayed up many nights and struggled through many emotions to be able to give people a firsthand look into what I experienced. Open your heart and mind as you embark on this journey I am sharing with you and please know that this is not easy for me but my soul advised me that this was the best way to approach sharing my experiences for the benefit of others.

Trust that I made it as interesting, relatable, funny, and emotional as possible and I am sure you will laugh, cry, and get angry both with me and at me. The conversation must get started for the sake of revealing what is hidden and for the sake of many people who may be considering suicide right now as you are reading my words.

Please remember to keep an open heart and mind.

See you inside of my pages.

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Shanaya

Senona

It was 1998, I was at the age of 13, and life could not have been more unimaginable for me. I was struggling, but had no idea how to make people understand the source of my distress.

At that time I was living in a three bedroom apartment in Harlem, New York with my grandmother, mother, and sister. My mom was waiting to get her own place after parting ways from my father, so we had to stay with my grandmother for a while.

Living with my grandmother had it ’s challenges, but I had no choice but to respect her. She was tough but always there for us if we needed her. She would never let anything happen to her grand babies if she could help it.

Shanaya you not in the bed yet? Don’t you know you have school tomorrow? Now turn off that light and go to sleep, your mother is on her way home, don’t worry about her, my grandmother yelled from the other bedroom as I stood staring at my bed sheets scared out of my mind.

She didn’t know how painful the night time was for me, no one really knew.

Ok grandma, I said with dread.

I breathed deeply and got under the covers as fast as I could.

With my eyes closed I whispered, Oh God please protect me.

I felt a heavy presence waiting for me to fall asleep. I knew for certain that I was not alone but like always I squinted my eyes and saw no one.

At times I saw shadows, and sometimes I saw what looked like people I recognized, but that time I couldn’t spot anything. I never knew what strange story my eyes were telling me.

I laid in bed and tried to relax but the fear was really getting to me. I trembled so hard that I gave myself a headache.

I talked out into the air for a while in an attempt to ease my mind but my anxiety kept heightening. I pushed myself to stay awake as long as I could but after a short time my eyes became heavy and I could no longer resist, I fell asleep.

I felt a jolt, then suddenly found myself with my eyes half open unable to move or speak. I was like a dead vegetable aware of everything but unable to do anything.

I squealed silently in my mind, Oh God, it’s happening again.

A sharp stabbing pain like a pinch went through me on my left side.

I squealed internally with more intensity, Ouch, oh god noooooo, no, no.

I shouted in my mind and tried hard to get the words out of my mouth but everything felt Like it was in slow motion, Heeeelp, heeeelp, grandmaaaaa, something is tryiiiing to kiiiiill me, I sweeeeear, I sweeeear, Please come.

It seemed like I was yelling over and over again but something was blocking my voice.

I continued my attempt to scream, Snaaaakes, snaaaakes, ooh god no, no, not the snaaaakes.

I was losing myself; something was trapping me in a paralyzed state. It felt like a force pushing harder and harder on me, almost like it was trying to squeeze me out of my body. I felt Like it was forcing me to surrender my soul; I nearly gave up because the energy was so strong.

All I could see were three big black snakes moving on and around me, hissing every time they got the chance. I felt hands gripping my legs as if someone was holding me down . With the little energy I had left I began to try to move my head inch by inch to look around the room for any idea of what to do. As I was exhausting myself to catch a glimpse of anything that could be around, I saw my mother enter through the bedroom door.

Oh thank God, my mother is here, I thought to myself while in a silent panic.

I tried to push myself to shout but m y voice was paralyzed so I silently yelled in side of myself in hopes that she would hear me or at least feel my pain, Ma wake me up, ma wake me up, can you hear me? Please ma. Pleeeeeeeeeease, something won’t let go of me.

She didn’t answer, she didn’t even look my way for a while because she was busy settling in and getting ready to go to bed. As I was completely losing myself in what felt like a down ward spiral she sat on the bed and started going through her purse as if she was looking for something.

For some reason that slight movement gave me the little bit of strength I needed to keep trying to get out of the mess I found myself in. I pushed as hard as I could against the force holding me down in order to wake myself up.

My mother was so close yet so far away, I couldn’t communicate, I couldn’t reach her.

I continued to struggle, Maaa! maaa! maaa! His mouth is open, maaaaaaa! Oh Sh#@.

I breathed deeply and as I cried internally I thought of how I knew it was something in the room before I slept and wished I would have stayed awake.

She got up from the bed after lifting something out of her purse, stood over me, mumbled something to herself, and then said in a low whisper, Should I wake her up or wait until tomorrow, let me call Senona and ask.

Ma no don ’t leave me here alone, you will never see me again, I screamed internally out of desperation of not wanting to be alone.

She walked out of the room but returned shortly. She shook me until I was able to control my body again, Shanaya wake up I have to tell you something.

I jumped up off the bed and screamed at the top of my lungs, You didn’t hear me screaming for help?

She gave me a blank stare, No, you looked as if you were fast asleep.

I fell to my knees and cried, Does God hate me? What is wrong with me? Who is harassing me? What can I do ma? It has to end, it must stop or I will kill myself I swear.

I sobbed so deeply I could barely breath .

For me life was always a challenge, the very thin g people mocked as not being real, was the very thing I suffered with. It seemed to be unsolvable and I was scared of people finding out. I did not want doctors thinking I was crazy.

My mother grabbed me and held me tight, Calm down Shanaya, breath, breath. I have something for you, I went to see Senona.

I didn’t care what she was talking about, I just wanted life to be over.

She continued hugging and rocking me, She is somebody who can see things we cannot see. She can tell us what’s going on in our life and do things to help us. I went to her and got a reading, this is when someone uses tarot cards or something else to see your life in the past, present, and future. You showed up in my reading and I asked many questions about you. Calm down Shanaya, calm down, I asked about all of these incidents that you have been suffering with. Believe me your m other has been paying attention . She told me that you are a very special child and God has given you a very special gift an d the devil him self is out to destroy you.

I looked at my mother with great intrigue, You are telling me that god does not hate me?

She laughed a little, No child of mine is hated by god, I knew you were telling the truth because I went through many things like this myself but not as bad as you. I remember when you were two years old and would always point and say you see faces, ugly faces, and sometimes monster looking people walking in a circle. You would point and look as if people were right in front of you, no two year old is a liar.

She shuffled through her bag, Look, Senona gave me something to help you, it’s a spiritual bath that you have to take for three nights, and it will bring the spirit of Saint Judd to protect you.

I was in somewhat disbelief, trying to truly understand what she was telling me, Saint Judd will protect me?

She smiled again, He is a saint, has high powers, and he loves to protect children.

My mother handed me a bottle with a purple liquid inside, a picture of saint Judd was on the front of it. She told me to fill the bath tub half way with water and then to pour all of the content that’s in the bottle into the bath tub.

She further instructed me, You have to sit in this spiritual bath for fifteen minutes while splashing the water all over your body, even in your hair.

Ok ma, will I finally be ok? I will be ok after this right Ma? I asked with desperation in my voice.

Yes, Shanaya, now go, She said while nudging me a little towards the door.

I walked towards the bathroom still somewhat scared and shaken up from the bad experience.I turned the water on and kept saying, Breathe Shanaya you can do this, your thirteen now and must be stronger, as I filled the tub half way in an attempt to chase away my fears.

I poured the content in the bath, the purple liquid seemed to spread quickly through out the water. I took off my clothes and got in the tub.

I splashed the water all over my body as if my life depended on it while praying to saint Judd to come and help me.

I may have been paranoid but I started to hear movement inside the bathroom. The plastic bag that was used for carrying my spiritual bath started to make noise as if someone was handling it. It could have been the wind but in any case it heightened my fear. I was scared to look outside the curtain and see what it was. I just sat there and splashed the water as my heart pounded.

After my fifteen minutes were over, I stood up to get out of the tub, but still heard the plastic bag moving. I knew that no matter what I had to get out of the tub because the directions my mother gave me were fifteen minutes only.

I held my breath and pushed the curtain aside with my eyes closed, then slowly opened them and to my amazement it was nothing there. I sighed with relief and thought of how badly my nerves were damaged.

The bag was indeed moving back and forth because of the draft that was coming into the bathroom.

I dried myself off, got dressed, and then went into the room with my mother hoping I would be able to rest.

I slept in peace but woke up the next morning skeptical. I looked around the room in search of any kind of shadowy figure or any kind of heavy energy but I found nothing. I sat up slowly and smiled hesitantly wondering if all of my trauma had really ended.

I got up from the bed feeling grateful to have had an attack-less sleep. Over the next two days I finished the rest of the baths. I didn’t get attacked and was happy that the baths made me ok like my mother said they would.

The three months that followed were pleasant, there wasn’t anything strange happening and I was much calmer. Life seemed to be changing for me but I was unsure if my problem was gone because the memories kept haunting me. Flashes of being held down and tormented by someone invisible would pop up from time to time.

My earliest memory was at the age of three. I woke up and saw what appeared to be zombies grunting and walking in a circle. I was very young but I instantly felt as if I was witnessing something in another dimension. I ran to my mother’s bedroom with intense speed for a little girl, I nearly knocked the door down because I used all the strength a three year old could muster to get away from those strangers.

My mother turned her eyes away from the television and looked at me as I busted through her bedroom door, You must have had another bad dream Shanaya, come sleep with me.

I shook my head as my little body trembled , No mommy I wasn’t sleep, the zombies are out there and one of them tricked me.

She appeared to be confused, How did they trick you Shanaya?

I slowly calmed down , One of them looked like you but when I ran to it, its skin started coming off and he turned into a skeleton.

She picked me up, Ok, come sleep with me. I will protect you.

I did as she said but I know it was not a dream , I wasn’t sleeping. I was able to see, feel, and touch them as if it was my own mother that was right in front of me.

There was a time I had awakened from a nap and found myself being taken out of my room by a man who was tall, heavy set, and dark skinned with curly hair. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was at the age of five. He grabbed me, placed me on top of his shoulders, and took me out of the backyard door. I tried to stop him from taking me but I could barely speak and had no control over what I could do or say. He took me around to see some strangers who looked human but seemed different. He made sure he had a good grip on me as I tried to fight him in what felt like another atmosphere.

He seemed to be showing me off somehow but I could neither understand what was going on or what was being said. He returned me home after I completely surrendered and said he would always come back. He appeared to eat my light bulb and vanished through the door way.

I told my mother about this, but all I heard was, That’s some dream Shanaya.

I persistently stated that I was not dreaming. She hugged me in order to not entertain what seemed like my madness anymore.

I was far from mad, I was having abnormal experiences within a world that didn’t seem to understand what was happening to me.

I still have many terrible memories. Invisible beings did some horrible things to me. The experiences of sexual harassment while forced into a vegetative state, and the beatings that sometimes happened to me many times after I closed my eyes to dream are still with me and vivid. There was always something unexplainable bothering me.

There were even times when I felt someone trying to smother me while not being able to move, most times they were invisible and other times I would catch their shadows.

Escaping my nightmare was out of the question, whoever or whatever it was always had the upper hand. I could neither see them nor have control over my body when they attacked, it was an unfair fight. They always waited until I was asleep, forced me in to what felt like a trance, and took advantage of me in the most awful of ways.

Being asleep and feeling a force sitting on top of me, not allowing me to move or breathe was a frequent experience. I always held my chest when I remembered the feeling of a heavy weight pushing down on me as I struggled against it for what felt like eons.

When I was ten I woke up to a gun in my face. I tried to scream but couldn’t, m y voice was paralyzed. I sat there with the gun in my face and tried my best to breathe until it faded away. I didn’t say a word to my mother or father, I just got in their bed and went back to sleep.

The experiences I had with snakes are of the clearest memories. I always saw and felt them crawling all over me on many nights I tried to sleep. I couldn’t ever move even an inch on the nights when the snakes attacked. Fighting back was hopeless so I struggled and as I struggled all I could hear was laughing in the distance every time. I know I was a source of entertainment for someone’s sick pleasure.

On my worst nights I was punched and scratched and always woke up to whelps on my legs. My mother always asked how scratches got on me and when I told her she just looked at me not saying a word. Maybe she just didn’t know what to say.

There were nights I woke up stuck in paralysis while feeling a penis in my left hand. I was so helpless on those nights and when I was able to move again, I just sat up and cried, I felt so violated.

I can never forget the ugly faces. Those faces showed up and just stared at me with great intensity at the most random times. I saw them clear as day, but no one else around me could. They stalked me and I could feel their intention to instill fear in me as if they fed off of my misery.

It was hard to believe that the purple liquid took all of the evil away. Everything that I was dealing with didn’t seem like it could be shunned just by taking a bath, but I was hopeful. Slowly it seemed as if everything was ok.

The time I spent with my boyfriend went smoother, he was happy that he didn’t have to visit psychics for me anymore. He always went to get spiritual readings from all types of people in order to ask about me. Most of the time they told him that I had some kind of purity issue and needed to be spiritually cleansed. I believed that he may have been right since I had to take a spiritual bath to ease my troubles. I appreciated his support and even though he liked me a whole lot I know I was like a mystery to him, he really wanted to experience what I was going through to understand a bit better.

I was doing great in school and most importantly I was getting rest. Life was good and I even found out that my mother had been chosen by Habitat For Humanities to get a new home right in Harlem not too far from where my grandmother lived and just a few blocks away from my school.

My friends noticed a change in me to, especially my best friend Carmella. She ran up to me one day at school and asked me what was different about me. I told her that those problems that I had in my sleep had stopped completely. She stood in front of me and smiled from ear to ear for a long time sporadically shouting, Really, really, it’s all over?

She was relieved. I know it was burdensome for her to have to listen to my grief all the time, but I loved her because she believed every word I said and never doubted my honesty.

Carmella was heartfelt, she carried her love on her shoulders. She was beautiful to, tall smooth brown skin with a shape that most girls would kill for. She was also into beauty so her hair was always done and her outfits were always superb. She made sure I always looked nice to.

We took pride in our looks, and always remembered what our grandmothers had taught us, which was to always dress like a lady, take no mess from no man, and love hard no matter what anybody thought.

I was doing much better and gained enough confidence to tell my mother that I wanted to sleep alone after the fourth month of finishing the Saint Judd baths. I wanted to relieve her of sleeping next to me every night so she could have some peace. We would push the two beds together before we slept in the one room that we shared temporarily at my grandmother’s apartment while we waited for our condo unit to be renovated.

Are you sure you want to sleep alone? My mother asked with a look of worry on her face.

I responded with a confident smile, Yes, I think I am ok.

Senona knows her stuff I guess, she said with a smirk.

Can I meet her ma? Can I? Can I? What does she look like? I asked with great speed and intensity.

My mother laughed at my excitement, You will meet her one day, I am just happy that for now you are ok.

I made myself comfortable in the bed and fell asleep assured that nothing would happen. I drifted peacefully but then felt intense pressure all over my body, which jolted me awake. I tried to open my eyes but found myself unable to move. I lied there for a second in order to gather my thoughts and then tried to squirm in an attempt to gain control over my body. I tried continuously to move but couldn’t, my body felt like dead stone with me trapped in it.

Oh god I can’t move, damn I can’t breathe. This can’t be happening again, I said in my mind silently to myself.

I struggled, it was hard, It felt like a ton of bricks was holding me down and not letting me move.

I thought I was cured from this sickness, oh sh%#, what the hell was that? I felt someone scratch me on my left leg.

Saint Judd come help me! They are back again, Saint Judd, damn it, maaaaa! Please wake up ma, I screamed but no one heard me or answered. The pressure got intensely strong and then it felt as if something spit in my face. I squirmed as hard as I could for a while until slowly the pressure lifted off of me. I woke up in a sweat and as soon as I realized I was able to move I jumped out of the bed as if it was on fire. I shook my mother and told her what happened. She hugged me, wiped my tears, and said she would make sure to call Senona in the morning. We pushed the beds back together and held hands as I uneasily drifted back to sleep.

When the morning came she noticed a whelp on my left leg and asked me if I got that from the night before, I told her I did.

I began to cry hysterically, Ma I seen the shadows in the corner that appeared to be two men before I went to sleep last night, but I assumed that it was saint Judd.

I asked her if I was crazy again. She told me that I was never crazy and that we would figure it out.

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I went to school the next morning feeling low. I wanted to pack my things and leave earth all together.

Carmella took one good look at me, Oh no it’s happening again isn’t it?

I couldn’t hold back the tears, they in voluntarily fell from my eyes. She hugged me tight until I stopped crying. She told me to calm down and not to give up. Then she started making silly faces and dancing like a fool in the middle of the hallway so I could laugh. There wasn’t any music playing which made it funnier. It worked, I began to chuckle and laugh so hard to the point that I forgot about my troubles for that moment.

Growing up in Harlem was great in this way, It taught me and everyone I knew how to act silly, play around, and have a good time no matter what was going on in life. I just wished Harlem understood me a little bit better. I wished people could feel my pain so I wouldn’t feel alone in all of my troubles. My beautiful black skin and my hip New York attitude didn’t make transparent the fact that I was mentally and physically abused by something invisible.

After school was over, Carmella walked me to my building to make sure I was ok. When we arrived she slapped me on my butt and told me to be strong and tackle those damn demons that would not leave me alone.

I opened my eyes real wide from the surprise of being slapped on my ass.

I laughed, If it was only that easy Carmella, and if you slap me on my ass again I will have one less friend.

She giggled and as I walked to my door I thought about how grateful I was to be in such great company.

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My mother arrived home and immediately after she walked through the door she set her bag down and told me she had talked to Senona. I had to read four psalms from the Bible before I went to sleep every night.

She also said that Senona was preparing another spiritual bath for me but in the mean time to just focus on reading psalms 23, 91, 108, and 114 before I went to bed without skipping a single night. I took these instructions seriously, I read my psalms faith fully with no avail. I would practically scream the words in hopes that it would scare away all the demons that tortured me.

Me (Screaming): The Lord is my Shepherd I shall not want, he makes me lay down in green pastures. . . .

My mother: Shanaya don’t say it so loud.

Me (screaming louder): He cleans and refreshes my soul . . .

My grandmother: I am happy you are reading the Bible and all but you're too loud.

Me: Ok, ok but I am trying to survive over here.

Some nights I slept peacefully but many nights I was forced back into paralysis and then was either beaten, fondled, forced to see scary images in my head, or a mix of all three. I never felt as if I could get a hold of things.

There was one night I went to sleep after reading my psalms and found myself unable to move. The feeling of hands rubbing up and down my thighs sickened me. It was the most horrible feeling in the world.

My eyes were wide open and all I saw was a shadow fondling me. The love that I have for my mother and family was the only thing that saved me from committing suicide, I hated my life. I lied there watching the shadowy figure rub up on me, and even though I felt every touch intensely my body was dead.

The psalms didn’t seem to make a difference or change my fate each night, but I stuck to it in hopes that it would lead me somewhere.

I couldn’t wait until Senona was done with my bath because I missed the taste of a peaceful sleep.

I got up from my bed one night after it was done with me and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror that was on the back of the bedroom door as I was on my way to the kitchen to get a drink of water. I stopped and looked at myself. All I could feel was sadness, I felt so ugly in side.

With hurt in my heart I breathed deeply and continued to stare at my reflection.

How is all of this happening? Am I the only one on earth that fights with spirits? What the hell is this life I was given? What do these ghosts want from me? Can I give this sh %# back? I asked my reflection in the mirror.

It was hard to stomach the idea of being the only one who had night terrors. The curiosity of whether or not there were people in existence who were tortured in the same way I was engulfed me.

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I began asking family members if unusual things happened to them in their sleep. My family always got together for holidays or just because so I made the best out of those opportunities to question them from time to time. In the mist of our cooking, dancing, talking, and eating I would go around and ask them if they ever had enemies they could not see attack them in their sleep. I also asked if they saw spirits. Most of them recalled a time or two when they struggled, but was told to shrug it off because that was what they called the hag riding your back. They said they had not experienced anything as bad as I have.

I was confused about what a hag was, so I asked my grandmother.

She looked at me with a scrunched up face, Child a hag is a witch and an old hag is an experienced witch.

Oh damn is it witches that are after me or just demons? I said in a low voice with wide eyes, I had no clue.

My grandmother leaned in closer to me, What you say child?

I shook my head, Oh nothing, and then she went about her business frying chicken in the kitchen.

---

My mother picked up the new baths Senona made for me. It was a red looking liquid without any pictures on the bottles. I took the baths but for some reason they seemed not to work. The night time continued to be a free for all at the expense of my sanity. Regardless of how many baths Senona gave me over the months, the sh#@ never stopped.

My mother ran to her almost every month because the attacks became increasingly intense. The problem kept getting worse and as I got older I became extra sensitive to energy that was around me, which only added to my troubles.

If someone was sad, angry, happy, or any other emotion, I would immediately feel the exact same way and could clearly know the reason they felt the way they did as if I was absorbing their energy like a sponge.

I walked in from school everyday and knew exactly what was going on in the house. I surprised my grandmother a couple of times.

Grandma I will go to the store and get the bread, just let me put my stuff down, I said because I instantly felt that she wanted bread.

My grandmother quickly turned her head in my direction, How did you know I wanted you to go to the store?

I just felt it, I responded.

Well, ahh ok, the money is on the table, She said while still looking a bit perplexed.

I never had any idea of what direction my life was going in. My mood depended on what or who was around me. I even began to have vivid dreams that would come true.

I remember dreaming about my boyfriend getting arrested and taken to jail. I woke up because I heard my phone ring.

I picked it up, Shanaya is this you? Yo, they locked me up for some crazy sh#@. The drugs were not even mine, He said quickly as if he had no time to say all that he needed to.

I responded, Baby is that you?

Yes, wake up, my brother is on his way to bail me out of here, I can’t make it to see you today.

The phone cut off before I could tell him I dreamt that he was arrested.

I was dizzy and confused, I didn’t feel the least bit normal.

---

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I constantly heard my mother on the phone.

Senona, it’s happening again, you have to help her.

Seeking help from Senona took up a lot of our time but after dealing with her for a couple of years I realized that she could only make my problems temporarily go away, she never was able to solve them.

Calling Senona was all we knew how to do in order to relieve me of my issues so we just continued to run to her every time I was attacked in my sleep.

She continuously gave me spiritual baths or helped by doing what she called spiritual jobs. I never knew what these so called spiritual jobs consisted of, I just heard her tell my mother over the phone that I needed something done and only she could do it. My mom would pay and every time a payment was made Senona would act like my troubles were supposed to be over. The problem was that they were never over, we always had to go back to her for help which started to become a problem within itself. Us feeling like we needed her gave her too much power and she began to use our neediness to her advantage.

Somehow she found a way to blame everything on me when we complained that her spiritual jobs or baths were unsuccessful. She told my mother that I was a scared child and fear destroys everything she does to help and protect me.

---

I couldn’t figure Senona out, she never told us what she was doing, she just informed us of the problems in great detail and then made sure we knew how much it cost to fix it. I always wondered what the spiritual jobs she did contained and consisted of, especially since every time it didn’t work it was my fault. She never answered our questions about the details of what she does but she did make sure that I knew she was the only one who could help me and when things didn’t work out I was the problem.

Well, you have to tell Shanaya she needs to be stronger, I have to fix her mess again, Senona said to my mother during one of their many conversations about my fight with a spirit.

I just gave you a hundred and eighty dollars two weeks ago and already the attacks are back, my mother responded.

It’s not my fault, Shanaya has to take responsibility for being afraid all the time, Senona said firmly.

Ok, I will put the money in your account, my mother said with grief in her voice.

---

◆ ◆ ◆ ◆

After a few years of reading psalms and paying for spiritual jobs in order to have the same problems fixed over and over again, I started to feel that nothing would ever help me solve my mystery. Questions started to plague me even more as I was becoming a young lady. I was becoming certain that Senona’s help was only a temporary relief and I wanted to understand why.

I was growing up and becoming more inquisitive. I began to question who I was as a person and wonder what was it about me that attracted ghosts.

By the time I was fifteen I was slowly beginning to face my problems with more contemplation instead of just fear. I was still afraid but I began to feel that the answers were out there, I just had to somehow reach them.

I was changing, I knew I was not crazy because my mother convinced me of that, and I started to think that Senona may not be the one who could help me. I was moving away from just wanting my problems to stop. I wanted to know the reason and the solution. God hating me was no longer a factor in my mind.

As my inquisition of myself increased the pain of abuse in my sleep increased. Before I went go to sleep every night I pleaded with my enemy to go easy on me. I started to expect the abuse and did my best to make myself numb to it. I was scared but appreciated that I knew what to expect. I can’t believe it but I was getting used to the hell, and when it didn’t show up I would question why.

I didn’t want to but I had no choice but to accept that I had an issue that baths or psalms would not heal. Yet, the belief that one day I would have all the answers never left me, It was an unshakable feeling. The hell I was numb to for some reason never diminished my hope that one day I would be free of it.

I still read the psalms even though I lost faith in them. I had nothing else and to be honest I was scared of the consequences of not reading them. I always went back and forth with myself on whether to just quit reading them or not.

Should I read them tonight? I still might get attacked, but what if a worse attack happens because I did not read them? Do I still even care? I would ask myself on a nightly basis.

Then I would just pick up the Bible, I Lift my eyes up to the mountain, from whence does my help come from? My help comes from the lord . . . .

I thought maybe reading the psalms would mean one less punch I had to endure, or maybe a lesser time in a paralysis state while being harassed. Also, I still didn’t know what Senona was completely capable of even though I was beginning to lose faith in her also, so I obeyed and kept reciting the psalms.

By that time I still didn’t meet Senona in person, everything between her and I was done through my mother. I never had the chance to see her and make a natural judgment of her for myself. All I could judge her by was the extent that she was able to help me and it seemed like that could only go but so far.

Three years of her help resulted in my consistent traumatization of the invisible. Yet, I was cautious and made sure not to get on her bad side because the few phone conversations I had with her were intimidating. With great intensity she let me know that I had to listen to her in order to be ok. She aggressively iterated that I was under her protection at all times.

Shanaya, you have to stop being scared all the time and know that I am protecting you. I am responsible for you so don’t play with me. I have power over you and you don’t want to piss me off. I will send those demons you are trying to get away from to you if you don’t listen to me, Senona said to me one day when I was unfortunate enough to pick up the house phone.

Ok, I get it, I responded annoyingly.

I had no idea if that was true, something inside of me knew better. I kept my change of heart hidden and held on to hope. Life had to go on despite the paranormal activity that I had to deal with, so I learned how to act normal under the circumstances and hold on to hope that Senona or anybody one day would truly help me.

If I saw shadows I acted as if nothing was there. If I picked up on people’s energy I would breath through it and if it was too strong I would leave and go be by myself. When the night attacks occurred I continued to fight back as much as a person could who was fighting a ghost, and then I would do my best to forget about it just so I could have some kind of sanity. I was having many highs and lows and my mother began to worry about me even more.

She decided that it was finally time take me to meet Senona when I was around age of fifteen in hopes that meeting with her directly would give her more insight in to my problem.

My mother came in from work one day and said, Tomorrow I am going to take you to see Senona. This has to stop and I think you are old enough to have a reading. By the way, she did ask me to bring you to her.

Really? Ma, seriously, I am finally going to see her? I asked with a high level of sarcasm, I feel like we are going to visit the Wizard of Oz or something, In hopes that I could get what I need. I will say Oz, I need a magic potion that makes the invisible visible so I can see who is attacking me, I continued with even more sarcasm.

I am so glad you haven’t loss your sense of humor, My mother said as she glanced at me with a side eye.

If I didn’t have my humor I probably would have hung myself by now, laughing is what gets me through the day, I responded.

At times I acted hopeless but deep down inside I didn’t give up hope. I was happy yet nervous to see who had been attempting to help me. I couldn’t wait to put a face to the voice I heard over the phone. I hoped that if she seen me in person she would be able to see my problems more clearly and help me better. I didn’t know what to expect.

---

The next morning at around ten we headed out on our journey. Senona lived in Brooklyn, so it was quite a ride. Even if you take the subway, which is quite fast and efficient in New York City, the ride from Harlem to certain parts of Brooklyn takes over an hour sometimes.

We arrived at the train stop and walked to her home. The walk seemed to go on forever even though it was only about four blocks long.

When we got in front of her house I was shocked. It was less than average in appearance, and looked like it needed a facelift. It was an ugly dark brown color, small, and had a lot of clutter in the front yard that looked like junk. I couldn’t believe Senona lived in such a dreadful looking place.

I stood on the steps staring at the mess of a house and wondered why she didn’t use her knowledge of the mysteries to get a better home.

We rang the bell and heard a voice that was loud and raspy say, Hold on I am coming.

Senona opened the door, I was shocked again but this time by her appearance. She looked nothing like I imagined her to be. I thought she would be this beautiful Spanish señorita with long dark hair.

She was quite the opposite. Short, fat, blond hair, unattractive, and smoked cigarettes.

She told us to come in, have a seat, and that she would be right with us. Inside it was very dark and clutter was everywhere. There were candles burning and a few statues around the house. Some were statues of angels, some were old pious looking men, and some were of beautiful women.

I slowly walked to the couch in the living room, trying to take in all that I was seeing. Even though I was a little taken aback by her appearance and the scenery, none of that took away from my excitement; I waited anxiously to meet with her.

She told my mother that she would take me first and called me into the kitchen.

I sat at her small kitchen table on the opposite side of her, she smiled at me and said, Don’t be afraid, I love you, and I wouldn’t hurt you.

I smiled back, It ’s nice to finally meet you.

She glanced at the tarot cards, Let’s begin.

I sat patiently waiting to see what she would do next and then what seemed out of nowhere she started coughing over and over again as if she was dying.

Senona caught her breath, gasped, said, Ok, then spread out the first row of tarot cards.

She gave me a serious look, her eyes seem to pierce through me, What I have to say may not be all good news so brace yourself.

I trembled, her words made me a little anxious. She pointed to a card with a lady sitting on a throne with a bat in her hand and then said, You see this woman, this is you, you came into this world with a mission to fight for what is right, that’s why you are constantly being attacked. The bad spirits do not want you to be successful because you have the ability to do so much good and get rid of evil. They are bothering you while you are young in hopes that you will lose your mind and never come into your life’s purpose.

She pointed to other cards in the spread that looked like gloomy people half naked and said, Look at all the evil ones that are against you, even some people don’t like you and I know you did not do anything to them. You are special and people are jealous.

She paused for a while and then continued, Ok now, I need you to know about one spirit in particular, I don’t know his name but he has been around you since you were very young, and he is in love with you.

I immediately thought about the tall dark heavy set man who came to me while I was napping at five years old and took me out of my bed.

He is the reason why you and your boyfriend have been having so much trouble, she said.

I looked down and thought about all the arguments we had, and the strangeness in his behavior, Really, I had no idea spirits could do harm to relationships, what can we do about this?

She gave me a confident smile, said, Don’t worry, then continued, Not all but many of those attacks that you experienced in your sleep was due to him being jealous of your relationship and wanting to punish you. He really got mad on the night of your cousin’s birth day party when you kissed your boyfriend in the hallway.

I was amazed, I wondered how she knew all of that, my confidence in her started to increase a little.

She laughed slightly as if she knew she was impressing me and then became serious after she glanced at the cards again, I have some bad news about your boyfriend, he has been cheating with his ex-girlfriend, but he does love you and wants to marry no one else but you.

The fire of anger ignited in me, You meaning to tell me that he doesn’t care about me anymore? After almost two years he actually disrespected me like that?

She shook her head to express the answer no, Don’t worry we can fix him so he will only be with you.

I calmed down a little but I was still mad.

She squinted her eyes and pointed to the next row of cards, I see you have a good friend, be careful one day she will betray your trust.

Oh God, not Carmella to, I thought to myself.

Senona grabbed my hand, Don’t worry everything will be ok, she placed my hand back down on the table and continued, We have much to do, we have to put your wall of protection back up because you keep breaking it by being scared. We have to prepare another bath for you, and we have to fix that boyfriend of yours. All of this will not be cheap but I will give you and your mother a discount this time. Ok let ’s see, She grabbed the calculator that was sitting on the table as if it was always there ready to go and then she spoke out what needed to be done and calculated the cost, The wall is one hundred and eighty dollars but I will bring it down to one-forty, the bath is fifty but I will bring it down to thirty and the job for your boyfriend is two-eighty but I will only charge you two hundred. Ok now go on, I will read your mother next.

I walked back into the other room, and told my mother it was her turn. As she walked into the kitchen, I sat down and then one million thoughts traveled through my head. I was wondering about my boyfriend, my best friend, and my mission in life. I was overwhelmed with everything that came up in my reading. I didn’t understand it all, I wished I could ask her how she was able to tell me things nobody else knew. I also questioned if I was capable of doing what Senona did.

My mother came out of the kitchen with a disgusted look on her face and said, We are done, let’s go sit out in front with Senona and have something to drink.

I immediately assumed she was upset about something that came up in her reading about my father. They had not been together for sometime, it had been almost two years since we moved out of his house, but I knew he still loved her.

We sat outside of Senona’s home in a cramped but cozy space.

Senona smiled, said, You must understand how special you are, you will be able to see and know more than me one day, and then gave a raspy laugh .

About ten-seconds later she was done laughing and comforted me by holding my hand, I will look after you because the saints told me that I was chosen to be your god mother, so you do not have to worry about those demons. I got your back.

My face became saddened, I thought I was only dealing with spirits or witches, I never thought of the possibility of real demons wanting anything to do with me even though I occasionally called my enemy a demon.

We sat with Senona for about thirty minutes, then it was time for us to go. My mother handed her a bunch of money and we left.

On the way back home my mother and I talked about my reading, See Shanaya, I told you that you are something special, don’t worry you will come into your own one day.

She was trying to comfort me, yet I was confused and had weak confidence wrapped up with in a whole bunch of questions.

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◆ ◆ ◆ ◆

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After meeting Senona for the first time my anxiety went up. I kept looking at my boyfriend and my best friend with suspicion. I also became paranoid of my scariness on a daily basis, I didn’t want to keep breaking my spiritual protections. The psychological mess that was going on in my