Ingrid, I'm With You!

By C.M. Pelle

The term Gaslighting, refers to a form of psychological abuse. It is a topic, many clinicians and people are starting to discuss. There has never been a written memoir, until now...

After Caterina lost her sister to drug addiction, she changed her major from liberal arts to psychology. Caterina, eagerly studied and sought to understand the dynamics of her dysfunctional family. Being in the classroom, made her feel like she was a member of the illuminati, and given the key to a secret door. Then, she met him. He was older, and not like the other boys her age. He liked to have intellectual conversations about history, music, and art. He was handsome, charming, and charismatic. The pull was instant, and she was his. Then one night, high and sedated by the drugs he gave her, she began to notice things. She began to recall what she learned in class, in Abnormal Psychology. She realized, he was Dorian Gray, in the flesh. His mask was beautiful, but underneath, he was manipulative and cruel.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Apr 3, 2017
• ISBN: 9781365869129

Book preview

mysteries!

Prologue

Many victims will have been subjected and conditioned to this form of abusive behavior in childhood by another narcissistic personality in their environment- a parent, sibling, grandparent, teacher, etc.).  Unbeknown to them, even as adults, they are conditioned to respond to narcissists in the same way.  Their auto-response is set on taking care and fixing others, and part of their duty ids to shoulder the responsibility for the failures of others, becoming the consummate pleaser"

Narcissists can spot the empathic pleaser from miles away.  They are the perfect individual to cast their eye on, and initiate as their next victim."

- Christine Louis de Cannonville

Author of The Three Faces Of Evil:

Unmasking The Full Spectrum Of Narcissistic Abuse

¹

How I wish I could retract, and rewind. See myself walk backwards, nights turn into days, and days, turn into nights. See butterflies go back into their cocoons. See Emmaline, smiling at me in the park as I push her on the swing, walk backwards into the house. Backwards, faster, and faster, until that day in March 2015, when our judge told us, he was over it, and wanted a final judgment. No, I think I'd still keep pressing the rewind button even further back. All the way back to the fall of 2013; when I first heard those words.  All the way back, to the day a counselor asked me, Do you know what it means to be gaslit?  Yes, that’s the day I want to go back to.

They assigned Mady to me for a reason.  Summer Set, an outpatient diagnostic center, told me, I was allowed to pick my own counselor, yet I wasn't. After I came in for an initial assessment and evaluation, they assigned me to Mady. She was the first one who introduced the concept to me. She told me I should watch the movie, but I never did. Not because it was made in 1944, I love old films. I especially loved Ingrid Bergman, in Casablanca. Yet, something told me Sam wouldn't be playing As Time Goes By, and I was so frail, overwhelmed, confused, still in love with Robert, hating Robert. Maybe I just wanted to remember a kiss was still a kiss... a sigh is just a sigh... no matter what the future brings... as time goes by... No, I didn't want to see Ingrid Bergman being abused or this new term gaslit. I was aware that there was abuse, neglect, and, a lack of empathy. I knew he was a narcissist. I also felt that there was something... something more; but I could never put my finger on it. Until it happened again, and this time I was very, very sober. Then I knew. I was not just dealing with a narcissist. I was dealing with what clinicians refer to as a narcissistic psychopath.

Part I

The Perfect Prey

Good Old Siggy

Did you know that your anxiety and panic attacks are due to your father pressuring you to be a doctor, when you wanted to be a painter, creating an existential dilemma? Oh, you didn’t? Well, now you do!

When people think psychology, Sigmund Freud is usually the first thing that comes to mind. Even though the sex-crazed man is about a century old, and many therapists today gravitate towards more conventional approaches, everyone loves to talk about Freud, and why not? He is the father of psychology, after all, and the guy is full of fun facts. I have a love-hate relationship with Freud. When I was wet behind the ears and taking Intro to Psychology, I became intrigued and enamored with Freud. I thought he was brilliant and one of a kind, and before I knew it, I was buying The Interpretations of Dreams aside from my required readings. I would indulge myself with his interpretations and psychoanalysis, and became a little scholar on the side. I’d sit reclined on my mother’s chaise (the one I was not allowed to sit on) in deep thought, letting out every so often an Ah, yes, and some Ah-hahs. All I was missing was a pipe; I had the glasses, and the chaise was next to my mother’s tall bookcase with a built in ladder, so it was a great place to sit and pretend to be a scholar.

Aside from psychoanalysis, good ole Siggy is known for his infamous psycho-sexual developmental stages. You may have heard in conversation about the controversial Oedipus Complex, which means you were in love and sexually attracted to your opposite sex parent between the ages of four and six. I think it is the wording of that statement that sets people off on a mental frenzy. Aside from the wording, I have found through my studies and observations that children between those ages are quite enamored with their opposite sex parent, and there is a marked jealously or hostility towards the same sex parent. Now, whether they experience castration anxiety or sexual feelings towards mom or dad is up for debate, and I personally do not agree with that notion, but that’s the fun thing about psychology. You can pick and choose what you believe in.

In a world full of mental masturbation, mental disorders, and diagnosis, the father of psychology, clustered all these conditions into two categories: neurosis and psychosis. Neurosis, is any mental condition or disorder with neurotic or emotional features such as, depression, anxiety, irrational fears, self- esteem issues, and insecurities- in other words, more than half of the population. Psychosis, is Russell Crowe in A Beautiful Mind. If you or anyone you know is experiencing or has experienced hallucinations or delusions (not under the influence of drugs), there is a good chance you’re dealing with psychosis. Think, schizophrenia, think, guy who thinks he is an orange or that aliens live under his house.

Many neurotic disorders such as major depressive disorder, post-partum depression, and bi-polar disorder, may also have psychotic features, but that’s a whole other story and no need to alarm anyone. Here is the key to knowing whether you or anyone you know is psychotic. Crazy people do not know they are going crazy. The guy really does think aliens live under his house and could hear Count Dooku’s voice commanding him to draw pentacles and run in circles. He doesn’t wake up after a night of fun, involving a marathon of Ancient Aliens, hear noises under his house and think, Oh my God, what if those noises have been aliens all along man! I live in the middle of nowhere and next to a cornfield! It could happen or maybe I am just going crazy!?

Psychotic people, do not sit around and contemplate whether they are crazy or not, their hallucinations or delusions are their reality and there is no talking them out of it. If you try, you will only upset them and bring out the crazy and then regret it. If you are ever in this type of situation, just nod and smile and tell them you have aliens under your house too.

Even though a therapist chooses not to believe or follow the principals within psychoanalytic theory (theoretical approach based on psycho-analysis and Freudian concepts), they will always carry the voice of Freud in their unconscious, no pun intended. As I mentioned, I have a love-hate relationship with Freud. Why? The guy is insightful, full of fun facts, and accurate in many ways. How he had this much insight at the turn of the 19th century is just beyond me and fascinating. Therefore, I have encountered many people, in many different types of circumstances, where an Ah yes Freud moment comes to mind, causing me to walk in circles in the library of my mind saying to myself, Interesting, interesting. Quite right, quite right, indeed...

Why do I hate Freud? Because the guy is depressing as all hell! Freud is a Debbie Downer. He can see through your soul with such precision, but he can’t help you. The goal of psychoanalysis is to analyze one’s thoughts and behaviors with the intent of discovering the underlying rational in which explains them. Picture a therapist telling you this: After many sessions, I am getting the sense that your anxiety, feelings of guilt, and your obsession in being perfect, clean, and orderly, stems from being unable to resolve the conflict associated with the anal stage of development. A child in this stage, is also being potty trained. You mentioned your mother looked at you with disgust whenever you soiled your pants on accident. By reprimanding you, and telling you that you were bad and disgusting, this caused you to feel guilt and shame as a child. Which is why today, you grow anxious, and experience these intense feelings of guilt when you feel you did not do things right or fail in completing a task. This also explains, your obsession and preoccupation with keeping things orderly.

Imagine a therapist telling you all that, and then giving you a thumbs up! A wide grin and thumbs up! This is my personal mental image and how I always interpreted psychoanalytic therapists. They literally tell you something insightfully depressing, and then give you a wide grin and thumbs up. You don’t believe me? Go see one, and then when they give you some depressing fun facts, ask them how to solve it! You will probably be referred to a psychologist who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy, if coaxing you to believe that realizing your unconscious motivations is cathartic doesn’t work. In sum, this is where my hate of Freudian theory and therapy stems from, which is why I have chosen not to adopt this approach in therapy. Still and all, these fun facts are always useful and will always pop up. Rest assured, Siggy will always remain, thumbs dwindling in your subconscious, and will appear randomly like a Jack in the box. I have had many moments, whether with a client or during my own personal reflection, where an Ah yes, Freud moment comes to mind, causing me to murmur to myself, Fucking Freud. The guy had it right.

Psychologists Are Just People Who Have Issues

Part I:

Ah yes, the famous saying about psychologists being weirdoes who only became psychologists to solve their own problems. Being a mental health counselor can be a rather trying experience. Even though you figured out the answers to your questions and have a better understanding of yourself and others, it doesn’t really matter to your friends and the obnoxious members in your family. You are still the weirdo with issues who got into psychology to fix your own problems. The fact that you stuck with it and decided to become a therapist is endearing to them, like watching someone take a stand and join the Special Olympics. Those who do not know you, may find it admirable and inspirational but your family? They just think it’s endearing and somewhat cute. Despite your hard work and years of training, you are still the weirdo with issues. Yes, I am speaking of my family in particular. If your story is similar to mine, but you are surrounded with encouraging and supportive family members, good for you!  You will never have to know the humiliation, and frustration, that comes with not being taken seriously.

Yes, it’s true; many of us did get into psychology to better understand ourselves. You are right, person who invented this terrible rumor! However, just like in any research study, there are variations among these individuals and why they chose to study psychology. Among these individuals are science-loving individuals who gravitate towards the field of psychology in the name of science. Yet, despite the facts, psychologists and mental health counselors have to live with this reputation of being individuals with issues who studied psychology, to get it all sorted out.  But did we ever stop and ask ourselves what’s wrong with that?  Why wouldn’t you want to be the best or healthiest version of yourself?  Some people like going to the gym, some prefer yoga, or a healthy diet.  But what about our brains? Our minds? Learning how to communicate better with your partner, be a better parent, a better person, or break old self-defeating patterns of behaviors?  My goal and dream, is to reach the top of Maslow’s pyramid.  The very top, is what he refers to as self-actualization, which is similar to what Buddha refers to as enlightenment.  It’s rare, not easy, and you won’t get there by eating a healthy diet and doing cardio.  Studying psychology, also does not guarantee that, nor does being spiritual, which is why its rare.

If people who studied psychology, were people who wanted to figure out their own issues, then 4 out of 5 people in a room should be counselors.  See where I am going with this?  We all have issues.  I just believe, that most mental health counselors and psychologists, simply gravitated towards the field of psychology because it is within our personality and nature to do so.  We are empaths, analytical, and like 4-year-olds, who ask or wonder, But why? a lot; and many of those questions are also relative.  We are empaths, and with that, comes an inherent ability and desire, to share our knowledge and assist mankind.

It’s a shame therapists have this stigma; because the ones I have met, are some of the kindest, nonjudgmental, and accepting people I know.  Although, I can see and understand why people say this.  Here is my logical, not theoretical rebuttal, but involves putting yourself in someone else’s shoes… Let’s say for arguments sake,  you got a degree in psychology, so you could solely figure out your own shit.  Why then, would you choose it as your career path, and devote 2 or 4 more years of your life in schooling?  The answer is you wouldn’t.

We, just like you, were dealt with certain cards, and life’s problems. Who doesn’t have questions about themselves and the dynamic of their crazy family? We all do. I’d just argue that psychologists are individuals who are just more prone to answering these questions.  Yet, we are human, or know the answer to every question or problem.  People or friends, will ask for my advice, not just clients, but any friend of mine will tell you, when it comes to men, I suck at taking my own advice.  I don’t think I would be writing this, if I had it all figured out.  We have our strengths, and we have our weaknesses- and that’s okay.  Because, we are human and faulted.  For God’s sake, Freud, brilliant as he may be, was a coke-head with mommy issues. Why he felt the need to prescribe cocaine to neurotic patients is beyond me, but hey, I don’t judge.  We all make mistakes right?  And that, right there, is how you really learn.

Part II:

I grew up in a somewhat dysfunctional family, but although we were dysfunctional, we definitely put the fun in dysfunctional. We were and still are, a colorful bunch. My father was a self-made businessman before he retired and my mother looked after all of us including my father; I believe she had the more challenging job. I had three older sisters growing up. My sisters, were what pop culture refer to as train-wrecks or hot messes, but according to the DSM-V, they just met criteria for substance abuse and substance dependency. My father, was what you would call a control freak, but had actually been diagnosed with Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD). Aside from OCPD, he also struggled with alcoholism and addiction.

Despite my father’s shortcomings, there is much to be admired. He came from a long line of aristocratic descendants (something he always loved to remind us of), dating all the way back to the 17th century. He let everyone know this, and if you were one of his children, he reminded you of this historical fun fact quite often. However in the 20th century my father and grandparents fled Cuba due to the rise of communism. Cuba in the 1950s was the Monte Carlo of the Caribbean. It was beautiful, abundant, and filled with promise having both American and Russian influence. My father and grandparents were one of many who lived a privileged and abundant life in Cuba. My grandfather was a justice of the peace and much admired in Havana. When communism came, my family had to leave all belongings behind. They came to Miami, FL and my grandfather who was a man of integrity and status had to work as a waiter and shine shoes in order to provide for his family. My father who came from something, all of a sudden had nothing, but as the years progressed, he was able to build something out of nothing, and built quite an empire.  He most certainly is someone to admire.  Not because he became a multimillionaire, but because he built his pharmaceutical companies from the ground up.

The man is just one of those who were born with a head for business. Such concepts, which are foreign and challenging to me, came ever so naturally to him. He also cared about the people he was helping. I believe in my father’s mind, he wanted everyone to be as fortunate as he was, and this is one of the many things I admire about my father.

Unfortunately, we all know the brain compensates for the regions in which we lack, therefore he was an excellent business man and provider but he was not as impressive in the areas where family is concerned. OCPD, is not the same or similar to Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD); hence the letter P. The letter P, being the distinguishing factor. Individuals with OCD, tend to be governed, or ruled by  intrusive thoughts and obsessions. They have fears that turn into obsessions, and in order to relieve their obsessions, they engage in compulsive behaviors e.g. no one is going to come and kill my cat today, if I wash my hands consecutively five times in the kitchen sink.

OCPD, is quite different, and if you ask me, they should change the name. Even my father, walks around thinking he has OCD, and reminds us of this with the pretense of excusing his erratic behavior. This frustrates and annoys the crap out of me.  Mainly because, I always feel such a strong urge to correct him, and remind him of the P; but I never do. Contradicting someone with OCPD, is like asking for front row tickets at a theatre, and witnessing  some over-the-top, dramatic monologue. After an hour or so, of not moving a muscle, not breaking eye contact, and just listening, you will wish you had never said anything and could melt into the background or disappear.

People with OCD have unwanted thoughts, while people with OCPD believe that their thoughts are correct. In addition, OCD often begins in childhood while OCPD usually starts in the teen years or early 20s.

People with either OCPD or OCD are high achievers and feel a sense of urgency about their actions. They may become very upset if other people interfere with their rigid routines.

People with OCPD have feelings that they consider more appropriate, like anxiety or frustration.

A person with OCPD has symptoms of perfectionism that usually begin by early adulthood. This perfectionism may interfere with the person's ability to complete tasks, because their standards are so rigid. This can interfere with their ability to solve problems and form close relationships.

Growing up with someone diagnosed with OCPD is quite hard in itself. Growing up with someone with OCPD, who also struggles with addiction, is almost like growing up with Adolf Hitler. Of  course, I am being funny here.  You will come to learn as you continue reading, that humor is my main defense mechanism; it is just how I have coped with things.  So before we go on, and because I promised my mother, my father is nothing like Hitler.  My father is a good man and has Jewish friends.  The only reason I use Hitler as an example was because, Stalin or Mussolini didn’t do it justice.  He was a dictator, who yelled and spit a lot during his speeches or rants, and well, my father was very passionate during his rants, and also took on the role of a dictator in our  house.

That being said, could you imagine Hitler on drugs? Surrounded by his loyal Nazi Party, walking between all of the soldiers, who stood in single file, arms bent up straight, chest out, exclaiming Heil Hitler!  Then, after a night of binge drinking, and cocaine, his loyal party members at the sight of Hitler, begin shuffling their shoes, look up at him, unsure, anxious, and shyly  mutter through gritted teeth, Heil Hitler?   Only to have their leader yell, NEIN! NEIN! NEIN!  Then panic, open-fire, gunshots everywhere, and after shooting one in the foot, he asks him to do the chicken dance. So yea, after a while you would begin to feel somewhat anxious, and begin to doubt everything,