Dancing In Hell

By Daniel West

When I faced this life-altering situation there were no books on mid-life crises available. I wrote this book to be exactly what I would have wanted someone to place in my hands on day one. If you were expecting a magic answer that will give you your spouse and your life back, then put this book down and buy a different one – those books will not get him or her back for you either. Those books will make you false promises and give you hope. If you are ready to face the world as the remaining sane parent and save the rest of your family, then read on and let’s get started. This guide is for you, not for the spouse that is causing this problem. You will not be able to change your spouse – only they can do that – but you can change yourself, and that will change how you see the whole world.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Aug 8, 2014
• ISBN: 9781312411838

Book preview

Dancing In Hell

DANCING

IN

HELL

A guide to surviving your spouse’s mid-life crisis

Daniel West

Dancing In Hell – Is a Non-Fictional account of a true event Names, and or Characters have been changed in certain situations

Places and Events have been left as they occurred

© Copyright 2011:    Daniel West and Gestalt Epiphany LTD.

All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. Published in the United States

Daniel West Author

Library of Congress Control Number   2011961980

West, Daniel, 2011

Dancing In Hell

Includes bibliographical references

Psychology    2. Relationships

3. Psychoanalysis  4. Sociology    5. Philosophy    6. Humor      I. Title

ISBN 13          978-1-312-41183-8

9  8  7  6  5  4  3  2

Second Edition

Acknowledgments

I Wont Let you Go – James Morrison

I would like to thank my son and coauthor Daniel West Jr. for standing by me all these years and helping produce this book to help others.

I would like to thank the faculty and staff of Blue Ridge Community College in Flat Rock NC for the education that led to the answers and ability to write this book. A giant thank you to Professors - James Hutcherson, Charles Gorsuch, Melody Lindsey, Vicki Audia, Claire Barnett, Laurel Krautwurst, and Russ Foster. A special thanks to David Davis, Dean of Arts and Sciences. It is amazing that I was able to steal so many of your best teaching tricks and fail to give you credit anywhere else. ;-)

I would like to thank Vicky my editor at FirstPublishing.com

It is great to work as a team.

I would like to thank Denise, the person I love most in the world, for giving me twenty-one great years, and then abandoning us for no reason at all and giving us the desire to learn why she did it.

You helped us to grow, learn, and become fabulously wealthy.

Thank You.

I would like to thank James Beauchemin, psychologist extraordinaire for providing insight and giving feedback on this book.

Finally I would like to thank you the reader.

When one person has an idea it is an obsession.

When two people work on that idea it is a team.

When three or more people work on that idea it is a movement.

That is exactly what this book is ... Welcome to the:

Save Our Families movement founded by:

Hank from Canada in 2006

Honorable Mentions

(For reading and helping improve this book)

Never Gonna Give You Up – Rick Astley

(You have been RickRolled)

The Behavioral Health staff at Blue Ridge Community Health Services in Hendersonville NC

David and Aaron Blythe at Blue Ridge Auto Service

Mr. Jerry Cannon and his son Andrew Cannon at Cannon Mercedes

Gerald and Benita Bennett, Arno Bohlmann, William Becker, and Kathi Hodge

Marilyn Masters and her dog Scruffy

Adrian L. Kerley AAMS at Edward Jones Investment

Evelyn Prince and her sons, Jeff and Scott

Aaron Papillon

Craig Arnold

James Lamar Palmer, Attorney, Jackson Law Firm 

Other Books by the Author

Dancing In Hell

A Guide to Surviving Your Spouses Mid Life Crisis

Czech Mate

Psychological Thriller

Acapulco Gold

Psychological Thriller

The Charleston Shuffle

Psychological Thriller

The Spider and the Fly

Psychological Thriller

DreamScape

Psychological Thriller

Swan Song

Satire

Preface

Ground Zero

The World Just Exploded

What the Hell Just Happened to Me?

What is a Mid-life Crisis?

Diagnosing a Mid-life Crisis

Bunker in and Wait – Surrender or Retreat?

Gorillas, Chimpanzees and Bonobos

The Secret to Finding Peace and Happiness

My Story

Making Her Case for Her

Conclusions 

Enough About Them – Let’s Talk About You

Strategies That May Help Your Situation

A Cup of Hemlock

How to Maintain Your Relationship

Free Advice

2. Scavengers

The Good

The Bad

The Ugly

The Way Things Are

The End of Synergy

3. Pioneering Organisms

Life after Life

Blind Date

Internet Dating

Your Place in the World

Being True to Yourself

Close but No Cigar

We All Have Our Bad Days

4. Climbing Out of the Pit

Imported or Domestic?

Tatiana

Jasmine

The Pot of Gold at the End of the Rainbow

Dory and Family

Baler Aurora

5. Homeostasis

Hank 

6. Evil is Behind You

Fix One Thing and Another Breaks

Culture Shock

Looking into the Swirling Vortex

Telling on Myself

The Final Lesson

Magnum Opus

Bibliography

Effective Problem Solving Techniques

Secrets – One Republic

Humans have the advantage over other animals in the fact that they can use abstract thoughts to find solutions to problems, and then use language to explain those abstract concepts and solutions to others. Outside of abstract thought, the future does not exist, there is only now, yet we all agree on the concept of a future and act accordingly. I could use other illustrations, but the point I want to make is to explain how we make decisions and solve problems, not to explore the concepts involved.

Initial information  >>>>>>>>>>Desired Outcome

People use four different techniques to find solutions to their problems. Listing in order from the least effective to the most effective, these are the strategies that humans employ.

1)     Trial and Error

In this method, a person is faced with a completely new problem and has no clue as to what to do about it, so they simply start trying things, and keep trying until something works, or they give up and abandon it.

(In a mid-life crisis situation this is the worst possible strategy, because the person is already withdrawing from you. Getting angry, threatening, or simply Pressing their Buttons to get a response, only pushes them away even more)

2)     Heuristic Information

This is generalized information from a manual, which may or may not apply to your certain situation. It is like the guide you look at when your computer fails to start, it instructs you to check things like - Is the computer plugged in? Did you press the start button? Did you pay your power bill this month? – This information is helpful only in limited circumstances.

(In a mid-life crisis situation this type of information is seldom accurate and it is not at all timely. The spouse is already angry with you. If you tell them that you love them, and start sending them letters and flowers you are just pissing them off even more. They have already demonized you, so when you say, I love you, they think, Great, when I leave him/her permanently, they will suffer in agony – That sounds irresistible, because I want them to be miserable.)

3)     Analogical Information

This is information that was gained by being in a similar situation, or by learning from people that have been in a similar situation. This is the type of information you will pick up in this book. Those of us that have been there and learned the hard way what worked, sort of worked, failed miserably, and the good old – Complete and Total Disaster.

(The problem you will run into with using this information is that each mid-life crisis is extremely unique and one size does not fit all. What works on one type, is a disaster waiting to happen on most others. The only constant involved is – Until they approach you and want to talk and work things out, your chasing after them will only worsen things.

This: is how you make them want to talk things over - You need to get your life on track and build as much happiness as possible; you need to have a home and a family they would want to come back to. You need to keep a nice home for your children, and you need well-fed and well-adjusted children for the best stable environment. With these things, you will all find happiness, even in the spouse’s absence. Your spouse is not happy inside, and they can never be happy inside, because they are looking for others to make them happy. Other people can make you miserable, but they can’t make you happy, only YOU can make YOU happy. When they fail at finding happiness and start to see you and the children happy, then they will want in on that happiness too. You can let them in on the secret, or not, when that time comes. It will be up to you what you chose to do at that point)

4)     Expertise

This is using a trained expert that understands your particular situation and guides you, so you make all the correct choices, while preventing you from making any errors to worsen the situation.

(This book is NOT expertise or situational advice. Expertise is a trained Psychologist looking over any notes that were written by your spouse and sent to you. Followed by thoroughly discussing your history over the last few years, assessing your realistic goals, then working out a step-by-step plan BEFORE you contact or respond to your spouse. This book is not designed to replace psychologists; it is designed to help them.)

Principles of Ethical Decision Making

Is it legal?

(If it is not legal then you probably shouldn’t do it.)

2.      Is it moral?

(Who is determining the moral code you are using to make this decision?)

3.      Is it the best possible decision for everyone involved?

(Be honest and fair to everyone involved)

4.      Is it the best Decision for you?

(Be fair to yourself)

5.      Can you live with the consequences of this decision?

(Your decision will have short term and long-term consequences. Think ahead – Your long-term happiness may suffer for short-term gains)

Preface

Dance Into The Fire - Duran Duran

If I had written this book eight years ago, it would have been completely different – it would have focused on how to save your relationship and your family.

But that cannot happen. Your spouse is not going to listen to you for any reason – and in case you have not figured it out for yourself yet, you are the bad guy and you have ruined their life, so he or she is justified in destroying you.

Only one in twenty of you will get your spouse back, and that will be at least a year or two away – maybe even up to twelve years. If you are one of the fortunate people who still have your spouse at home, there is some helpful advice in the first chapter that will be your best hope of saving your family. In most cases, however, there is nothing you can do that will fix things.

When I faced this life-altering situation there were no books on mid-life crises available. I wrote this book to be exactly what I would have wanted someone to place in my hands on day one. If you were expecting a magic answer that will give you your spouse and your life back, then put this book down and buy a different one – those books will not get him or her back for you either. Those books will make you false promises and give you hope. This book is designed to give you answers to your questions. If you are ready to face the world as the remaining sane parent and save the rest of your family, then read on and let’s get started. This guide is for you, not for the spouse that is causing this problem.

My particular outlook on life is based on Anthropology – the study of humans and human nature. Anthropologists believe that human nature is understandable and predictable. If you think you are going through this alone or are unique in being hurt by the person you trusted the most, you are about to find that this is not uncommon; seventeen million of your fellow humans face this every year and will live with the scars of it for the rest of their life.

As you turn to each new chapter you will see a song title at the top of the page. They are there for a reason –, music is one of the best ways in which humans convey feelings and meaning to each other. When you attend church you have a song service that subliminally conveys belief. I am using the device of song as a way of linking you to the broken-hearted of many generations who have gone through this and worse and survived. You can look up any of these songs on You Tube if you are not familiar with them.

According to Dante, the banner above the gates of hell proclaims: Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch'intrate, or Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.   I would advise you to never give up hope – even a man condemned to death can hope for a reprieve. Instead of just suffering, take this opportunity to grow and thrive. What is going to allow you to blossom during this heartache is a real love in your heart for other humans, flaws and all. You hear about it, you read about it, but when you actually feel it, it will change your life for the better. I can and I will teach you that.

You will not be able to change your spouse – only they can do that – but you can change yourself, and that will change how you see the whole world.

If you find yourself in hell after having done everything possible to prevent it, then you might as well make the most of the situation and learn to dance.

Dance with her, and she will forgive much. Dance well, and she will forgive anything. – Robert Jordan

To deal with this situation you are going to need to hire a good psychologist, a marriage counselor, and an attorney (If your spouse has moved out) The team that you assemble will determine the future of your family. You are choosing them so you will need to take personal responsibility for the way they act and what they do.

A significant number of people become psychologists for the wrong reasons (I.E. They are so screwed up that they went into psychology to treat themselves.) A lot of them believe in out dated and ineffective principles. Some will tell you to go out hunting, because killing something will make you feel better. Numerous studies have shown that aggression only leads to more aggression and violence. Some will tell you that getting angry with your spouse will allow you to release them. Studies are clear that anger only leads to self-destruction and violence. It is an obvious truth that you can’t do evil things and make that evil to lead to good results. Only good can lead to good. You must always deal with your family members using love and compassion.

Your attorney has, most likely, been steeped in an adversarial culture, they argue and fight for a living. It will take you some time and effort to find a competent attorney that acts as a mediator and facilitates a pleasant and non-adversarial negotiation on your behalf. Make it clear to your attorney that you want your spouse to be happy, and you are sure that your spouse wants you and the children to be happy also, therefore they can have what they want, as long as they sign over full custody of the children, and the house to you.

Be kind and always act upon the principle that everyone can get what he or she wants most.

The contents of this book are based on Gestalt Psychology.

Gestalt therapy is an experiential form of psychotherapy that emphasizes personal responsibility, and focuses upon the individual's experiences in the present moment. The therapist-client relationship is essentially a teacher- student relationship.

The therapy focuses on the environmental and social contexts of a person's life, and the self-regulating adjustments people make as a result of their overall situation.

Gestalt therapy is a conceptual and methodological base from which helping professionals can craft their practice.

Gestalt therapy is built upon two central ideas: the first being that the most helpful focus of psychotherapy is the ability to fully experience the present moment. And the second being that everyone is caught in webs of relationships; thus, it is only possible to know our self against the background of our relationship to other people.

Gestalt therapy focuses on process (what is actually happening) rather than on what was, might be, could be, or should have been.

The objective of Gestalt therapy is to enable the client to become more fully and creatively alive and to become free from the blocks and unfinished business that may diminish satisfaction, fulfillment, and growth, and to encourage the client to experiment with new ways of being

1

Ground Zero

Fair Notice:

When I write about medical or psychological matters in this book it is the most accurate information that I could gather.

At certain places in this book I will make a comment, or a character will make a comment, that is specifically designed to cause you to disagree with the statement or conclusion offered. This is a simple teaching trick. When you read or hear something that you agree with, it is simple and easy to just take it in and actually learn nothing from it. When you read or hear a comment that you disagree with, it will inspire you to do research to prove or disprove that statement.

I want you to learn from this book and be able to defend and justify your beliefs, or learn why those innate beliefs may have been holding you back.

Actual science is about debating and discussing to reach the truth.

The World Just Exploded

Mandolin Rain – Bruce Hornsby

Meet Dan. Dan thinks he has the perfect life – a nice home, a