Read This Last

By Refried Bean

This is the journal of Refried Bean from the years of working on an MFA and being abused as a cashier at Barnes and Noble. It is not as entertaining some of Refried’s other books but is still interesting and might be helpful for people who don’t think Christians can or should be mentally ill, or who think that capitalism can do no wrong.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Refried Bean
• Release date: Feb 8, 2020
• ISBN: 9780463126493

Refried Bean

Refried Bean is from Greenville, SC. Refried worked in a bookstore for twelve years and has an M.F.A. in Writing from Vermont College of Fine Arts. Refried now lives in the Bronx near a Stop and Shop.

Book preview

Section 1

hello, everyone. this is my journal. It includes many details about how I have been feeling, what I have eaten, and how I have been treated at work. Sometimes I get manic and take off on some kind of manic spree. It is possible that if you are reading this, I have disappeared and you are looking for clues about where I might have gone. I would rather you not read it or read as little of it as possible. I doubt I would put anything in it that would tell a disappearance plan, but if you feel that you must read some of it, then read the last few paragraphs and not the rest. I especially don’t want my parents to read it, because I don’t like for y’all to know more than you should know about me. I think that it is reasonable and not unloving for me to want some boundaries, distance, and privacy, so parents, don’t allow yourself to pretend that you are hurt, and don’t let yourself actually feel hurt, either. And know, that if you decide to read this entire journal for any reason, but especially because of curiosity or to try to control me, our relationship will never be the same, and I may need to cut ties entirely for a long time. That is not a threat. I am just telling you what will happen if you violate my privacy in such a horrible way.

ok, here is the journal. It does have secrets, and things that could make people accuse me of stuff and suspect me of stuff that I haven’t done, but I am keeping it, because it has important information that could get me out of trouble, too. Plus, I want to remember these experiences, and I am not scared of the truth. The truth is on my side. (june 2011)

august, 2010

I think I have a little bit of tardive dyskenisia. And trouble swallowing what if I get pneumonia how will I know that. What if soon I cant eat anything ever again. What if I push someone down at work

Tomorrow I have to go to Pendleton place and read some stories I am just going toget through it. I am just going to get through it. It would have been nice to bring something like stickers or something wouldn’t it have well guess what I am broke I only have enough money for beef jerky and ice cream

Hi everyone. I am worried about my sore throat and mouth ulcer that has happened before during medicine changes. I probably got it from switching to generic trileptal and generic risperdal. I did both pretty much at the same time. I feel a little worried and I think it is ok but sometimes I start worrying about what if well I don’t want to say because I think it is an irrational fear and kind of scary even to type.

Hi everyone.

Today is Tuesday. I may need to call Messer today to ask about the sore in my mouth but I think it is because of my medicine and I am kind of embarrassed about how I have kept asking questions about everything thinking it is my medicine, but most of it has been because of medicine so I guess I need to do what’s best.

I erased some stuff right here.

OK I am going to have lunch with Bobby today and maybe some yb people. Normally it would be a fun thing to look forward to but I have to worry about inviting and not inviting. So far I wasn’t going ot ask Tina and Michelle because they are working. I don’t want to have to go to trouble of inviting people just to go have lunch and I don’t even know where we should go.

Where is cantinflas. I don’t know where it is. And we don’t have to do Mexican. Where else could we go? I just don’t know. What about Zaxbys. We couldn’t’ have enough seats for people if there were more than four there. I need to find out where cantinflas is because I don’t want to be too close to coffee underground because I think that is kind of a jerky thing to do.

I erased some stuff here.

It is weird how having all the problems I have had lately makes me not care as much about what ever drama I have to deal with and even some embarrassment.

I kind of have a giving up feeling because I am so tired.

Ok speaking of unemployment, it seems like Barnes and Noble might not be doing too well, as a company and as a store. So far I have about the right amount of hours, but they did cut me to part time without telling me and could possibly do worse in the future. I am determined to finish my MFA program, though. I want to do double genre but may end up having to just do four semesters even if I get accepted to that. I am halfway through moneywise.

I need to make sure I do a good job on everything and get the most out of this semester in case hard times do prevent me from being able to finish.

People are having hard times right now. People are having hard times and we need to make sacrifices for each other. I gotta be more careful with money. I have been majorly spending money on fancy food. I still need a haircut.

Ok, y’all might have thought I was going to send my packet today. I actually had planned to, but I really think that mailing it Thursday would be in plenty of time. Actually, I don’t know. Let’s see. It is due on the 11th. Thursday is the 5th. I could send it tomorrow or Thursday and it would probably be fine. I was going to send it today but I realized that I had not changed something I meant to change, or at least considered changing. It is the insult in Danger Squad. I wanted to do a nonweight insult, but I can’t think of one. I just can’t think of one. I feel like he has to insult her appearance because he doesn’t know her so it has to be something someone notices right away. And I think a hair insult wouldn’t really be that strong, but maybe he could insult the bandana she usually wears, but I don’t think that would be good either. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know I don’t know. I kind of think the insult is kind of good the way it is, in a way, because when Ralph comforts her, he could be setting an example for people to comfort each other in general when people insult people even with their eyes. I don’t know. I don’t want to contribute to any problems that people have.

Ok the email thing is still bothering me and I had plenty of peace about it after I did it yesterday. It is the wrong name thing I guess that bothers me so much, It is really bothering me but not really that bad because I am pretty certain that the email address is right, and that was why I freaked out so much, though I will say that the freakout I think is still affecting me. Ithink I am still freaked out because of the freakout even though I figured out that what I really feared happen didn’t happen.

Ok I need to invite people to lunch soon if I am going to do that. I think it would be ok if we went to cantiflas but I don’t want to get a parking ticket.

I think that it would be okay if we went to cantiflas but I would feel kind of bad but not really, because this might be how things are supposed to be in order to make the conspiracy be entertaining for everyone.

Ok we are going to cantiflas and at 11 I will call bobby to confirm and then maybe mention it to others and I might also stop by yb to help pack.

Ok packet. I think I might leave the insult in there. I might make a note of it in my letter. I feel like I kind of might be maybe too casual in my letter in places but I think I will just be myself and if when I get Trinie’s letter back it seems like I insulted her with my casualness then I will try to do better next time.

Ok everyone now it is the afternoon of the morning that I wrote this other stuff. I had a great day and had lunch with Bobby and helped clean up at Youthbase. I mopped and it was mostly pretty fun and relaxing and I got to see friends and me and Michelle went to Zaxbys and it was yummy.

I was about to say ok again and I noticed that I said ok a lot on this page. But anyway, I now have to fix the insult scene in my story and I just need to figure out some way the guy can be rude and maybe he can insult her sandwich making skills or something. Or maybe call her ugly in general? I don’t’ know I think I am going to go think about it and come back to type it. After that I will print out my packet and then mail it. Really, to me, the main part of the packet that really matters the most is the tales, because I already I was going to say that I already did the danger squad story but maybe I will find out how I can fix it so I will be more satisfied wit hit because really I am still kind of embarrassed about it, especially the cabin scene.

Ok I figured out the insult part but don’t know how to improve cabin scene. It seems like maybe Ralph should try to fight back more an d not seem as wimpy maybe.

Ok I put I don’t think you are whiny on the comment for kate but I think I should have said you are not whiny because that would be better, but I felt like I could only say what I had observed, but then I could still say that, but I don’t know I just couldn’t decide and then decided to just say I think but oh well it is okay. Everyone havea good night. Tomorrow I will mail my packet I hope it is okay. I worked on danger squad a little more so that is good I guess even though I still don’t feel that great about it.

Hey everyone I have some facebook and coke problems don’t i. I forgot that I was going to try to read a book today some. I am going to take it with me to crisisline. I am scared I am scared to do crisisline I am scared I am scared I am scared I am scared I am scared I can barely handle it I can barely handle it. I amso scared but it will be okay. It will be okay it will be okay there will be some breaks there will be some breaks there might be some calls where people are okay.

Guess what I wrote two stories today and have another really short one in my head but I think it might be too similar to one of my other stories it is going ot be about someone who is so popular andthey think of rejects and how they aren’t in that category and then they feel sad that they are left out of a category and they feel rejected and they try to get in that category by losing all their friends but it is kind of similar to the cookout story and there’s not much to it unless maybe I think of ways that they losetheir friends, or should I combine it with the dare to offend friends away story which isn’t that funny to me right now because of what a certain person is doing.

Ok mom and dad need to help out with nami not stephens ministry.

Ok I am going to try to get better at focusing and maybe reading sometimes instead of checking facebook. I think that reading will help me stop worrying sometimes and acting out of compulsion like hwen I check facebook over and over for hours. Reading will get my mind on other things. IT will also help me anyway because it will help me think of ideas and it will inspire me to help people and it will make me have better conversations with others. I am going to try to do that. I actually think that writing all this down is kind of a little more self focused than necessary. I think that reading helps immensely with self-absorbtion, and I think that I am having some trouble in that area. Even when I do volunteer work, etc, my mind is on my life, because the people I am helping are part of my life. I don’t think this is necessarily bad, but I think that when I read, I actually am able to think of other people’s lives, even lives of people who don’t exist. Reading really is so great for the mind, because you can totally think about something other than yourself and your own life. I remembered that again today because I got worried and then when I remembered that I need to get some reading done, I did, and now I am in a different frame of mind and can go read some more about societal issues, and maybe some other stuff later.

August 10

Okay, it ia 12:42 pm. 12:42. That is a pretty late start. I just drank some coffee. I feel pretty good healthwise and am thankful for that. I am so thankful, and even thought I don’t want health to be on my mind all the time, I think that I will make sure to try to note when I feel great and am not worried about various problems, because that is a blessing and it is good to thank God, even if it kind of puts my focus on myself and my health a little bit. Writing this journal also makes me focus on myself some, but it is a good way to collect my thoughts, and it will be something I can look back on later and be thankful. I think that writing can help people understand stuff and think more than they would, so I am going to maybe write a little every now and then.

I have the day off today, and I have nothing scheduled. I want to read a little bit and maybe write two very short stories if possible. I might finish the ten commandments poem and show Claire bateman. Claire bateman is my friend. Claire bateman is my friend. Claire bateman is my friend.

Ok anyway, I think I will try to write a couple of stories, maybe read a few folk tales, eat some food, etc. I might call erline later and take her the art supplies. I hope she is okay. I think I want to wait until much later to do that. I think I might see if she wants to see a movie like karate kid or something. I am worried that something in karate kid will bother me. I am tired of feeling grief when I see movies and read and see book covers. But even if one generation feeds another generation bad food, that generation can revolt somehow and cook better food. There are geniuses and heroes in the next generation, I know there are, and they will lead a rebellion, I know they will. I think I am mixing metaphors with the food thing and the rebellion thing, but hey, this is just my journal for today. I hope that the karate kid movie gives me hope for the next generation instead of making me feel grief over what they have inherited.

This reminds me that I want to read more about generations and strengths and collective sin and stuff like that. I really do not understand many things about this, but have had different hunches and glimpses of patterns as I have worked at the bookstore.

Well, I think I will go add something to my novel and then write two more stories. I think I want to write the one about the alligator jester trainer guy, and maybe one more.

Okay, I hope you all have a great day.

Ok I am writing again a little bit. I just finished reading some more of a book on shame. I started wondering just now if a lot of God’s commands are to help prevent shame, or if shame is something he gives us to prevent something else, or just to prevent more shame or worse shame. To me it seems like shame is one of the worst forms of psychological suffering, and I am wondering if it is just one of several bad ways to feel, or if it really might be the worst. And I had a theory that the point of life is pleasure, both God’s and ours, not glory like they always say. I wonder if Glory is either a form of pleasure or a means to that end, but there are all sorts of pleasures, like appetites satisfied and also laughter and feelings of success, etc. And when I say that could be the ultimate goal, I am not saying that maximum pleasure all the time is the goal, but that it really could be a matter of maximum quantity and quality EVENTUALLY. Since suffering can lead to glory and success and feelings of being proud (in a good way?), then the opposite of pleasure could still result in the most pleasure and the best kind of pleasure possible. So you really might be trading lesser pleasure for better pleasure later or even now in certain contexts. I bring this up because I think it is also related to the unpleasant feelings like shame, guilt, anger, and grief. Some tears feel good. Some goodbyes feel good. I don’t think all sadness is unpleasant. But fear, guilt, shame, etc, these are unpleasant emotions, and according to some, we won’t have these emotions in heaven. So what is their role here? Are they to protect us or are they the things God tries to protect us from, or is it a combination of both, and do they all, in the long run, serve to further the intensity of the eventual positive emotions that we would prefer? I would like to understand these things, but not necessarily experientially, though I think I might already have had certain experiences that will help provide me with understanding if I will just add some reading and thinking and maybe some light (like thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path kind of stuff).

I am withholding some comments about the book I read. I intend to maybe read more on the subject.

Ok I havea few thoughts to add. First I was thinking a little while ago about whether or not people can see my computer screen when I am on the computer and whether or not there are video cameras in my rooms and if my car is bugged. Yesterday or the day before, I started thinking that maybe my car isn’t bugged and there aren’t cameras in my rooms and bathrooms. But there just have to be. There is no other explanation, it seems like. But I can’t find any cameras anywhere. They could be in the ceiling fan, but I don’t know. It seems like they must be in the breakroom at work and all around the store, but I can’t find any. But they must be there, otherwise, how do they know certain stuff. Anyway, I started thinking that if there really aren’t these things, it might help me say stuff to the saints and angels and care more about what the people in heaven think, and they are all totally perfect, supposedly, so it might make me up my standards of behavior or something, (sorry if that is an insult, earth friends, and trust me, I care about what y’all think a lot and I don’t feel that great about saying all those bad words in my car, but I think you understand that people in heaven probably don’t say any bad words and people on earth still do, so you can see that if I was more conscious of the heaven people (y’all’s risen selves included), then I might act different, and then I thought, well if I am going to be speculating about what people in heaven think, I probably should just speculate about what Jesus would think and do that. But then here is the thing. If Ireally do think that he is not the only one monitoring me and watching and listening in on all my conversations, and if it really is okay for me to alter any behavior based on what he thinks, then isn’t is also appropriate to make speech and behavior decisions based on who my other spectators are? In fact, it seems like with earth people having crisis situations and emergencies and all the drama that comes with living as imperfect beings in an imperfect world, really, it makes some sense to make the earth observers a priority when deciding what to say and not say. I am telling you, it really does make a difference when you are aware of everyone knowing everything.

Anyway, those were just some thoughts I had.

I had a few thoughts just now, too, and I forgot them.

August 13, 2010

Journal, hi, it’s me, sarah.

I have some worries on my mind. First of all, I went to my new doctor and he rushed me and I forgot to ask him about something important. He also thinks that in the long run we will need to get me off risperdal, which I kind of suspected, but I am scared to do that and I don’t think that he will really understand or care about how scared I am to try new medicine, how I don’t’ think there is anything else out there that will work, and how I can’t safely come off risperdal without probably some long term hospitalization. And my other hospital experience has mostly included VERY little actual doctor care and a whole lot of required group therapy with people whose problems just stress you out more. They also like to overmedicate you so you are sedated and can’t cause trouble.

I have a therapy appointment scheduled. I tend to go away from therapy thinking that it is a waste of money because I can talk to friends who care and know more about me. But I have to deal with the obligation to treat people right and not make them feel rejected, too, and I already seemed like a patient to this person and then didn’t go anymore. I also don’t want to tell any secrets to a therapist because I don’t want any secrets on my record, because people can have access to those. And there is more that I feel like I can’t even write down in my journal.

Journal, I wrote to you this time, but I think that in the future I will address everyone who reads this instead, because I think that is more honest and might result in more thoughtful writing.

I am thinking about going to whole foods and buying some ben and jerrys and a chocolate bar. I might call kate later and see if she wants to hang out but I don’t know. I don’t’ want to watch the princess bride movie. I have actually had about enough media consumption with other people. It has been ruined for me and I can’t take it anymore. I can’t take it anymore.

I am a little worried because I just noticed that I only have 13 hours scheduled next week, and I could have sworn it said 20 last time I checked. I feel a little faked out, but maybe I misread it before. I am pretty sure that my hours got cut, though. I can’t tell what all is because of the conspiracy. Ican’t tell if people have been instructed to lie to me and to treat me wrong ,or if they do it anyway. IF they do it anyway, then I guess I hope God will have mercy on them, but really I have had some hope for justice and I kind of even with the Catholics and Orthodox people are right about people not getting away with everything just because they pray a little prayer one time. And I think, what do I want for me, and I think I want to clean up my act. Iwant to be clean. I want real redemption, and sometimes the protestant promises don’t’ seem to offer that. It seems like you get declared righteous when you really aren’t, and it’s all paid for by further injustice to an innocent man, Jesus, and a lot of the substitutionary atonement stuff doesn’t make sense to me for other reasons, too, and I just don’t know I just don’t know I just don’t know and I just don’t know. I just don’t know. I just don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I hope God still keeps having mercy on me.

I think I might go ahead and get some ice cream while I can. The ice cream and the chocolate will cost me about ten dollars. And what about tithe.

I wanted to send Jamey T. some money, and I wanted to make a donation to world vision. But I am 230 dollars into my credit line already, so I don’t think I should do that when it seems like I might not even have a job very much longer. It sure seems like I might not have a job very much longer. That is what it seems like. But I guess if we close or I get fired, then maybe I won’t have to be surrounded by bothersome images and be participating in the mental assault of our customers. And I guess they choose to come to the store, but it seems like there might be kind of a trap but I still feel like that is the best plan so far. And I think 10 percent unemployment truly is heartbreaking. It is awful to think of people without work, but I also think that when I look at my own situation, I need to remember that really, I have it pretty good and even though I didn’t get picked for whole foods or target when I applied there, I can try again. I can try starbucks again. I might can wait tables somewhere. I do need insurance, but can maybe stockpile medicine somehow to get me through.

I do think I will need to go to the dentist soon and I do think there will be a lot of issues. I probably should do this in September so I can have the work done before the end of the year. I don’t know how long I will have my job. It might be just a month or two more. I don’t know if they will cut insurance. I feel like I probably have at least a month left.

They hired in the café without offering us hours.

I guess that reminds me to email nancy the writers group emails and also to let her know that I won’t be going to writers group because I don’t’ want to go in barnes and noble.

TodayI felt like calling Belinda and seeing if she would hang out with me sometime. I felt like talking to her.

I think I am going to treat myself like I want to be treated and get some ice cream and chocolate. I feel like the ben and jerrys at whole foods might be expensive but I think I will get it there anyway because that is where I am going to get the chocolate.

I think I am going to crisiline tomorrow morning. I just thought of that because I thought of the popsicles I have there.

I have to buy a few more books for school.

I need to find out how much money I have left and I need to tithe. I was hoping to tithe 60 dollars but I think it will be more like fifty. I think I won’t be tithing extra. Well I don’t know. Considering what my parents are providing for me, maybe I should do extra.

Let’s pray a little prayer for our country. Oh, God, forgive us, and please help the future generations forgive us and overcome our legacy of you know what. ( Ican’t decide right now if I am going to type these things. They are not cuss words or anything, but they are accusations to our generation and the other ones that are also alive, and I don’t know if I really want to make those accusations right now and I think I need to think more about some things. God help us. God help us. God help us. God forgive us. God help us. God help us. God forgive us God help us God help us God please help us God please help us please help us please help us. God please help us. I want to ask for mass repentance but I think that we should be able to do that ourselves. Forgive us please help us pleae help us God please help us. God please help us God please help us god please help us. I kind of want some justice too but am scared ot ask for that because what if I am right that mercy is different and is supposed to be what we ask for instead. I don’t’ know God help us God help us. Everyone has been bad sometimes. God help us God forgive us .God help us.

writing this later: maybe a legacy or something bad is not a legacy.

I think I am going to go get some ice cream. Some ben and jerrys but I have some ben and jerrys in the frigerator.

Guess what I went to publix with mom and dad and they got some ice cream. I don’t have any chocolate but I will be okay without chocolate for a while. I need to make sure I have my tithe and then I might buy some chocolate. I need to get rid of that credit line debt too I had forgotten about that but at least it is only 239 that is actually not as bad as I thought it might get. And once I mail my check for my car payment I will be square with that.

I am worried because I am having bad problems and I might have to change my medicine what am I going to do and I might lose insurance what am I going to do. If I lose insurance I can still get risperdal I am going online ot see how much it costs.

When something bothers me now the feelings immediately turn into anger bad anger.

I cant think of stories because I feel worried I feel worried I feel worried I feel worried I feel worried

To do

Message josh

Call susan owens

Email about writers group

Find red notebook and facebook person from poetry workshop

I have a lot to learn about writing stoires don’t i

August 15

Hi. I just got back from waffle house. I love waffle house. I love it so much. I am sad because my half waffle leftover got thrown away because I got up and left the table without asking for a to go box but it is okay. That makes me sad. And I complained a little about how I have been treated by barnes and noble this year, and I feel kind of bad about that. Whenever I complain, I feel bad later, so I need to learn not to complain. I need to learn not to complain. It says not to in the Bible. It says not to complain. When I was depressed, it was almost impossible not to, but really, now, it is possible for me to be positive so I need to try to do that better. But it was kind of good to get a better understanding of what is happening with our store and everything. It made me suspect that the bad treatment of all of us might be the managers trying to hint to us that we need to find other jobs because our store is going away.

I really am going to try to think of others around me instead of just thinking I need medical insurance I need medical insurance. But I think it is good to think of my parents too.

And now I will say a little prayer for Anne and Vince and Elise. God please help them God please help them God please help them God please help them God please help them. God please help them please please please help them. I just want them to be happy. I just want them to be happy. And safe and okay. tThey have been on my mind a lot for the past several days. I don’t know why.

God please help us trust you and help us all obey and trust and do the first two most important commandments. God please help us please forgive us please may your kingdom come and will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give use each day our daily bread and forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors and lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil. Mercy jesus mercy. Please mercy jesus. Mercy. God please help all of the people who are in desperate situations right now. Please have mercy on us and help us all share. Jesus please help people who feel like they have nothing and might really have almost nothing or less than nothing please give them something to share, please give them something to share. Please provide for people who need something God who need something all those different types of poverty, God please help us help them and please God help everyone share with each other freely. Jesus please have mercy on us we are sinners.

Ok everyone I really want this to be a journal where I write about what is going on and share my thoughts, and it is supposed to be written in a way that acknowledges the fact that conspirators are reading it. But I had to pray a little bit just then.

My prayers have been a little desperate lately, osme of it in a good way, btu a few days ago I had an awful depressed feeling. It was awful. It was so awful and I felt like I might have been asking God for forgiveness a lot more than usual because I was having bad general guilt feelings that are kind of depression oriented, but I feel better now. I feel a little better, though I am still freaking out about health stuff. God, please help me, please help me do everything I need to do, and please help me accept reality as it is and accept any health conditions and suffering that I have to have. Please help me not be too scared. Please help me with my anxiety. Please help me use my experiences to serve others, and please help me know what to expect from myself, and please help me be wise, and please help me remember to pray for others who have the same problems and other much worse problems, and please help me remember all the things to be thankful for. There are so many things, God. Thank you for my life. I had a car that lasted 12 years and that is amazing but human bodies can last over 100 years. And I have had 33 years, and htat is a long time, and I have had lots of happiness and friends that will be my friends forever. Thank you God. Please forgive me for all my mistakes, especially my speech mistakes, which are really on my mind right now. I am aware of how I just have a lot of speech habits that need to be improved. God, please help all my beloved coworkers. Pelase help them. Please provide for them. Please provide for them. Jesus please provide for them. Please provide for all the new hires from this year. Please bless them and take care for them and bless everyone they ever know or have known or as breathed the same air or watched the same show or read the same words or anything else I have ever prayed for anyone. God please have mercy on our souls. Please help us. Pelase bless my coworkers. Please bless them. Thank you for Barnes and Noble. Please provide everyone in the company with enough character and strength to solve all of our problems and treat people right and be fair and honest. Please bless all the employees ever and please bless everyone who has ever applied to b and n or who has wanted to work there, wished it, or not, and everyone else who has ever existed. Please bless everyone double infinity what I can imagine times what I can’t imagine plus everything else.

I feel kind of like crying because being at Waffle house and seeing how empty it was made me aware of peoples problems and the economy problems.

God please have mercy on us we are sinners. God please have mercy on us. God please help everyone. God please help everyone. God please help everyone. God please forgive me.

Ok now back to my journal. Hi everyone. How are you. I hope you are okay. Iwant everyone to be okay. Everyone, listen, God loves us and He knows how to provide for everyone and He is on our side and He might have a plan or will at least improv everything in our favor.

To do.

Tomorrow make cookies

Today

Message josh get email

Write story

Tonight start eisenberg paper. 3 pages. Just get it done. 3 pages. You can do it. 3 pages. Read through show and tell book. Figure out what you are going ot say in paper. Write other tale. Revise other two tales. Check other to do lists

August 16

Guess what everyone. Today I went to a therapy appointment and they had a dog there and it made me feel happy. And my therapist made me not worry about some things. She made me not worry about tardive diskenesia and about switching medicine. She said to postpone worrying and that was a good idea. I had a little bit of a guilty feeling afterwards because I tattled on some people who made me have problems, but I will learn not to do that in the future, and I actually did kind of okay in terms of talking about some things that have bothered me. But I need to be careful because I really will feel bad and regret it later if I say certain things.

Right now I kind of feel barfy and I am not sure why. I don’t know if it was the youthbase bus ride or the chicken I ate that had sat out for a few hours or what. I am just not sure. Or maybe I had too much lemoande or got hot earlier. But I kind of feel barfy.

I thought about calling jenn g tonight to see if she wanted to hang out, but I have decided to wait and maybe see if she wants to hang out another night. I think that tonight I will try to get some school work done.

I know what I am going to write my paper on. It is going to be kind of simple and not that insightful but I will get it done. I need to think about trying to get into dual genre, though. I can’t afford to not have a good critical paper. But maybe if I do the simple paper that I am thinking of, I won’t be able to mess it up.

I think I might need to work on some nonfiction for my nonfiction application. I think I am going to try to apply to all three extras, because this is my last chance. It is okay if I don’t get in, but I will be sad. I actually think that I am more likely to finish the program if I can do poetry, because it requires fewer pages, and I would have one less semester that requires over 100 pages. The other day late at night when I was anxious, etc, I started worrying that I couldn’t finish the program or even get through this semester. I want to find out what the procedure is if you can’t, either for medical reasons or you just cant think up enough stuff and do the work. I want to know if you just plain fail and that is it, or if maybe you can try again another semester. I kind of feel like maybe I shouldn’t have written this, because now the conspiracy is going to get someone to fail in order ot make me feel good, when really, that wouldn’t make me feel good at all. It would break my heart. It would break my heart. So people please don’t do that and I kind of want to erase this but I think I will keep it because I really do want to have a journal that is a record of my thoughts, and those were some important recent thoughts.

Okay I guess I need to work on my paper now. I just had a wave of thankfulness for my family. I am thankful for my family. My family is very decent and there are things that a lot of people have to worry about that I really don’t.

Journal august 17.

I have had a great week so far this week. I have gotten a lot of stuff done. I haven’t done very much writing for school, and I need to fix that, but I have had some great time with friends and family, and I have gotten a lot done. Today I went and drew some drawings with Ginger, and we had some interesting conversation, though I got kind of confused about some political stuff. And then I went and saw Joy, and the rabbits seem okay, and we had some interesting conversation, too. Great conversation, really. Please, whoever is reading this, say a little prayer for Joy and everyone in her life.

A few minutes ago, I sat down to write a couple of stories, but I forgot one of my ideas. I thought of two nes ideas tonight and I felt sure that I would remember them, but I forgot one of them, and I think it was the better idea. I really am going to have to write stuff down immediately.

I did think of one idea that I will write down right now. I was thinking about how my mind may fail me in major ways, and that at some point I may have to stop writing because I might be saying bad things or nonsensical things. So I am thinking that when that happens, I could try focusing on cooking. But hten I was thinking about how you have to use knives when you cook, and I might be too bad off for that. And then I thought, what if you made a knifeless cookbook: a book where you didn’t have to use knives for any of the recipes. Wouldn’t’ that be an interesting collection of recipes? I think so. It would be a great gift for cutters. I think maybe that was kind of insensitive for me to write, because it seems like I am joking, and I kind of am, because that might be kind of a weird gift, but it would still be an interesting cook book, I think. And no, I don’t consider myself a cutter, but I can see myself being bad enough mentally that I might have to avoid knives someday.

Last night I doubled the dose of my mood stabilizer as directed. I felt lethargic and sleepy for most of the morning, but after having coffee, I did pretty well. I drew five whole drawings and colored them, too, though they are still rough sketches.

I think I am going to have to try to make a dentist appointment some day soon. Nothing specific is constantly on my mind right now, but I know I am going ot have to eventually and I think I might should get it over with sometime. I also need to get neck xrays soon since I have met my deductable and everything.

I am worried about going to work tomorrow. The magazine images are very graphic, and now the romance novels are using covers that have photos of naked people on them. In a way, I think it might be good for people to see those books with those covers so it is extra clear how pornographic they are, and if they are freely displayed, maybe people will realize what is going on. But really, I think it is terrible that we have that stuff in people’s faces, and the grief and shame I feel every time I have to see any of it is almost unbearable. I am also filled with fear, because I am scared about doing the wrong thing. I do have to realize that there are many reasons why I am in this situation, and if I do wrong by staying in it, the story is more complex than just me deciding to put images of naked people in people’s faces. I didn’t just up and decide that I want to sell sketchy stuff. It is not that simple. Once you factor in medical insurance, family responsibilities, the industries that create that material, management decisions, company policy, etc, it does seem more complicated, though it is true that I might have been able to find other work if I was willing to not get my education, too. So maybe I am just a bad person who was willing to make certain compromises and trade some sort of clean record in order to get some education.

And I have thought about working at lowes, but I just figured out that I would probably have to work there a year before getting any kind of benefits, and it is not likely that someone like me would get hired anyway, since I know nothing about hardware and construction. Plus, I really do think that I have supposed to have been working at Barnes and Noble, and even this time now matches an image I had years ago of me working at the bookstore while also being on a path towards something else, and having this time where I was working part of the time at barnes and noble but also becoming something else or overlapping it with something else, so whatever happens with the horrible images that are bothering me so much, I will have to really be careful not to do anything rash.

Something is really bothering me. It is bothering me a lot. It has to do with Byrnes. When my contract didn’t’ get renewed, I didn’t tell my students, because I felt that the school had made a mistake and I didn’t want the students to know about it because I guess I was trying to in my eyes be professional and turn the other cheek and protect the reputation of the school. But really, now that I look back, I think that I didn’t’ ened to protect the reputation of the school, because they were pretty justified in not renewing my contract. I was messy, didn’t’ grade papers well, and my final exam was kind of inappropriate. So really, I could have said They did not want me to come back, and the school wouldn’t have looked bad. I did not need to protect anyone from the truth, because the truth is fine. And not only that, there are more important things than protecting administration’s reputation, which I probably still could have done if I had told the students I wouldn’t be there next year. Not only that, but the students were bound to find out eventually that I wasn’t there, so it would have made more sense to tell them myself so I could say hey, if you ever need anything, I will be on facebook. Some students might have needed letters of recommendation, and I could not help them out. I could have really written some nice letters if they had needed it, but I did not make myself available as a friend or a resource. Instead, I just kept quiet, when the truth was bound to come out anyway. And it really bothers me. I think that I could have really been there for some of those students long term, but now I am not because I don’t think it would be good for me to make first contact on facebook.

Uh oh. I just realized that the four more books I have to read are books I have to order and they might not come in before I have to send my packet away. I forgot about them. I guess tomorrow I need to get up early and go to the furman library and see if they have them. I think collected gogol tales might be something I could find at Greenville library but I am sure the other ones wont be there and they probably wont be at furman either. I already bought over 20 books. I can’t order new books every month. I can’t do that. I can’t wait for books to come in and then read them. I can’t do that. I cannot do that I can’t afford to do that and I can’t budget my time like that. I can’t do that. I can’t do that. I can’t do those kinds of logistics. Ican’t do that. Ican’t I cant I can’t do that I can’t do that I can barely do this dang paper on the stories I have forgottwn so now I basically have to reread a whole other book and read four new books that I haven’t even ordered yet. I cant I cant I cant I cant I cant I cant I cant I cant I cant I cant. I am too tired. Not really it is something other than being tired. I think part of it is the 1 mg and the memory problems and the not being motivated by a freshly thought of critical paper idea. i cant order new books. Icant order new books I cant order new books trinie I cant do that. I cant do that . I cant get new books I cant wait for them to get here and then read them all. I cant do that. And I cant do my paper and what if I cant think of any more story ideas because I already feel like I am running out of ideas and some of my stories are stupid this time some are stupid this time. And why do I have to read embarrassing things I am tired of all of this part of the comspiracy where I keep having to be embarrassed. I am tired of it I cant take it any more I already told you people that I cant take it anymore so stop it. Stop it I can’t take it anymore I cant take it I cant handle being provoked on purpose and feeling hatred I cant take it. And no the hatred is not directed a certain people but at certin other people who make me want to say very very bad words over and over I cant take it anymore when is it going to be over.

August 20

I am not getting a lot of writing done each day. I have lots of free time but spend too much of it laying down and compulsively checking facebook and driving around. Some of my driving is necessary, but it really seems like I can use my time more wisely sometimes.

Ok, let’s figure out a game plan for this packet. I need to write the paper, which means I will have to reread some stories. I think I am going to reread three eisenberg stories before even starting the outline and paper again. I think that will give me more ideas and a more natural desire to write the paper and I will actually be driven by thoughts and ideas instead of trying to squeeze the paper out of my mind when I don’t even remember the stories. Ok I just took to long ot explain that. Ok so my plan-

Tomorrow go to crisisline and take eisenberg book. Maybe reread some stories there if there is time. Then, in the afternoon, try to get started on the paper. Don’t worry too much about notes. Just try to write the paper. 6 pm is a deadline. Maybe call kate and see if she wants to hang out. But don’t spend money. Don’t spend money.

Ok, Sunday is church and work 4-10. I will make no writing goals whatsoever for Sunday because I have to get to work on time and that is first priority.

Monday- the goal is to finish the paper. Possibly revise 2 other shortshortstories and fix the notebook wire story. Fix it. Ok, then, most of the packet will be done except for the reading.

Ok, so if I get all the main packet writing done Monday, then Tuesday I can prepare applications for other genres. Finalize poetry application. Finalize it. Check personal statement, possibly start over.

Ok, then work on nonfiction application. Maybe write a couple of those short essays from those topics. Should I do some flash nonfictions? I already did flash nonfictions. The candy reviews were flash nonfictions, but let’s not get frustrated. Let’s just try to maybe use this as an excuse to get a few new things done.

What about the atlas shrugged thing I wrote for josh. I need to email him that, and I wonder if any of it would be a good sample.

Ok, so the goal thru Monday is to finish the packet work for this packet. I an do the letter after reading those other books. And then the goal for this week is to finish the application material for the other genres. I may need to call louise to get orange soda sent back.

I am thankful to be in the program and I am thankful to have had my job for as long as I have. It may go away. I hope I can do everything I need to and keep the job and medical insurance. I guess there is always cobra which might cost 4000 for a year, which is a lot, so much so much, but if I need it, maybe I can still get through school.

Ok I also need ot realize that I have a lot more writing time now. A lot more. so I need to use it. I need to use it. Hey self write some of those essays. Write some journal entries. Write some extra stories. and what about the new novel? You have plenty of time. Write the novel. Keep it going.

Ok it is 11 pm. Tomorrow I will get up and do crisiline. But what will I bring for lunch. I must have lunch there, and I don’t think I can get through the whole shift. I think I can only make it three hours. I should have called Kathy today. I should have called her and asked her and checked with her about doing Saturday shifts from time to time for just three hours instead of four.

Ok hi. Well, I didn’t go do crisisline today. I couldn’t get up. I need to realize that I am having trouble waking up because of my double meds and late nights. So I need ot be careful on the few days that I work. Tomorrow I will work from 4-10. I will need ot check the schedule. I hope I have enough hours for the next few weeks. IT is possible that I will be shocked and dismayed.

Ok enough about that.

Let’s collect my other thoughts. I have been looking through possible selections to send with a dual genre application, and I am kind of aware that none of it is really all that amazing. I kind of think my best chance will be for poetry, which is my first choice anyway, but I am not sure about some of those poems. I have other poems that I think might be better to include. But all of them are very simple. Some are better than others. Let’s not evaluate my writing right now. I will just end up regretting whatever I write.

I guess I just feel a little stressed about applying for some reason. Maybe because it is my last chance, and maybe because I had forgotten about getting the other two applications together and now I feel overwhelmed. I guess I feel overwhelmed, because I feel like I have to write three personal statements, and I also feel like I can’t send my candy blog entries in because of the chocolate situation, so now I have to find something else, and I am wondering if I need to write some of the theological blurbs that have been on my mind. But I feel so uncertain about so much of the theology stuff, and I wonder if I will ever be able to write about any of it. Like okay, maybe I could write something where I question whether Christ’s death was the most physically painful ever, but I just don’t know if I really have enough certainty about any of it to do that.

Ok, and I just found out that Kathy’s appendix ruptured and she is in a hospital in Chicago. OK that kind of freaks me out and I don’t know what to think do or say. I guess that is not true. I guess you just pray for people and feel thankful that they are in the hospital and safe, but it is kind of scary still. I might erase this paragraph.

I don’t know. I have some feelings of uneasiness and some mild anxiety. I think it is because of all my extra free time. I think that instead of being excited and getting stuff done, which I guess I am kind of doing a little bit, I keep worrying about wasting time, not doing stuff on my todo list, etc. I guess I am also a little anxious because I can’t tell what problems I have a re from the conspiracy and what are real problems, and I am also kind of tired of waiting for certain stuff.

People in the conspiracy sometimes say stuff that makes me be like what are you talking about.

Today, for a while, I kind of forgot about the conspiracy. I