A Rude Surprise

By Refried Bean

This book is a collection of poems, blog posts, and secret documents from Refried Bean.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Refried Bean
• Release date: Jun 3, 2017
• ISBN: 9781370108619

Refried Bean

Refried Bean is from Greenville, SC. Refried worked in a bookstore for twelve years and has an M.F.A. in Writing from Vermont College of Fine Arts. Refried now lives in the Bronx near a Stop and Shop.

Book preview

New Poems by Refried Bean

Hole

In the dorm at the writers retreat

Kind of like camp

I put on my shirt

And discover there is a hole

In the front of it

Chewed by the mice in my apartment

Like a letter from home.

Prediction

If this poetry book is good,

I am going to be really jealous of myself.

Decree

Once forgiveness is granted to the bad people,

the mediocre people cannot take it away.

Idea

i was thinking today

that it could be a good idea

to put my CVS extra care card membership

on my resume.

An Idea Floating Around

Something they should make illegal

before anyone thinks of it

is chocolate root beer

A Rule of Nature

Not Jesus Christ will not triumph.

Some lines

What if you kept switching lines

at the grocery store

to try to be in the shortest line

and you accidentally

paid for your groceries six times.

Theology

What if you lost 200 dollars

and you felt terrible about it

but you forgave yourself

and God was so happy about your forgiveness

that he gave everyone who has ever existed

200 more dollars in their account.

Tips

What if the company you worked for

called your church

and asked them to do a sermon

about doing the best you can and working harder.

poem

Do y'all ever worry

that you are going to end up

loving rodents in a wrong way?

I started worrying about it

because I was thinking about getting a TV

and I was like okay what if

I watch something inappropriate on TV

and then can't stop watching certain stuff

but then I was like well what if

I am not even interested in that stuff

and really it turns out

that I love mice a little too much

well I don't know if that would be a good situation

no I am not talking about situation like

situation comedy. see that is exactly what I am trying to say.

poem

I am not going to tell my therapist

that I think I might be the ten horned beast

that Daniel the prophet dreamed about in the Bible

because what if Jesus Christ had a dream

about a kangaroo that knows how to bake cookies,

and what if that is me and I should be happy.

Pots and pans and meteor scans

Catholicism is going to be real sorry

when there is a mix up on Judgement Day

and it turns out that Jesus died for my sins.

They will say that is not fair.

They will say You did not follow the rules.

I will say I followed some of the rules.

They will say You did not drink enough grape juice.

I will say You should not have said that.

They will say Sorry.

I will say okay no problem let's play a game.

They will say How about Pictionary.

I will say What about Trivial Pursuit.

They will say how about Catholic shuffle.

And I will say okay and deal some cards

And they will say ok we got a five of spades

And I will say well hmm I got a Draw Four.

And they will say Hey where did you get the Uno cards

And I will say from Kmart.

poem

what if everyone is so hypocritical

that our whole age and era

is just a pageant

for the people of the year 3000

to learn from.

poem

some people get so proud of themselves

that maybe they are better off

just not doing anything good.

What if

What if in the Bible

when it says God will wipe away every tear

it is talking about tears of laughter

and they go away because of some bad news.

Apples, rabbits, a poem that might not be necessary

If someone delivered a barrel of apples to your door

would you accept the apples

or be mad that they weren't dropped

on the pack of wilderbeasts

that keep attacking everyone's pet rabbits.

Well I would be grateful for the apples

but I keep my pets indoors.

I wrote this poem because

I did not want to be lazy

and not write enough poems.

But right now I have french fries

sitting on my cot

even though there is currently a mice problem in my apartment

so it is possible that I am not being lazy

but am just tired.

And if I was going to do something,

shouldn't I take the leftover food to the kitchen.

Life isn't that hard sometimes.

Theory

What if the scientists figure out

that actually the volcanoes always erupt

on the day after a human says the one billionth bad word

since the last volcano erupted?

Idea

What if you set people up on a blind date

and you wrote a script for them so they would know what to say?

poem

It is not fair for people to get a job

just because they aren't psychotic.

The Golden Hour

At volunteer work,

I am feeling a little bit better about Judgement Day,

like Jesus Christ might say to me

I was hungry and you gave me something to eat,

except I am not sure that Jesus likes canned pears.

And then I start thinking about the Bible verse that says

the measure you use will be used on you,

and I give good tips in coffee shops,

but wonder if I can trade that credit

for a stricter measure on child abusers,

so they are wiped from the face of the earth,

and then on Judgement Day,

I might net right at exactly zero

and am given one courtesy meal

where Jesus says

"You know what,

it is true that I don't like canned pears,"

and then he hands me a leftover can of magic pears

that can be planted

to grow a tree that sprouts mansions,

all stocked with toys and candy

for the children

who were saved

by my rage.

Some people must stay alive

We need some people

to live to tell

to eat some ice cream

and all be well

to pass the torch

and plant a tree

so I keep going

in case that's me.

If I ever don't know what to say

If I ever don't know what to say,

maybe I could just ask people

if they are going to the picnic.

and they will say What picnic?

And I will say I don't know.

If I ever have a job interview

If I ever have a job interview

I am going to tell them

that I do not say

Nice job, squirt,

to my superiors.

Another one of my policies

Another one of my policies

is that I don't go up to injured war vets

and say You're welcome for the tax dollars.

Train poem

If I made a fool of myself

in the train station

maybe it was because

the train did not arrive on time and I got bored.

So now who is the one

singing in strangers faces

and doing a hop skip and a jump

while hitting themself?

What's good is good.

They should invent robots

who pray