Not Only Survive But Thrive

By Brenda J. Hardy

Generations of people have and do feel they are not good enough, when the truth be told everyone is a beautiful unique one of a kind. Only one of them in existence. I hope this book helps people realize they are enough on this journey we call life. Potential is discovered as we go not bought, earned or inherited.
My children Heidi, Christinia and Matthew pushed me to write the book, in it are my "hold your own council positive support beliefs." My foundation was mostly influenced by Betty R. my loving 2nd mother, my children, family, those you meet along the journey of life and the rest was seeking my own truth through research and experiences. No book has all the answers, I have found something in every book I have read and now I pass it forward. I hope readers will find something in this book to take forward on their journey that gives them a bit of strength they didn't have before. It is not a biography, its the book that should have come with us at birth and didn't arrive. LOL So to my family, friends and those who think and feel badly about themselves or think you were left out or not enough, have another think! With the correct perception, try and stay you'll discover your potential has no bounds with love I pass it forward. LUCK Laboring Under Correct Knowledge. May luck always be with you.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Brenda J. Hardy
• Release date: Jun 22, 2019
• ISBN: 9780463149683

Brenda J. Hardy

One would think a biography would be a simple thing. At my age I find my journey is packed full, just as everyone's is, so how does one bullet point a lifetime or explain the justifications of it? I'll start by saying; as far back as I can remember my "how does this work and why" drove my family to the brink with questions. I remember my Mother saying time & time again, "If you ask me another question!" Both my parents always owned their own but different business. So I guess you would say my up bringing brought with it an instilled way of looking at things from the point of, how is this effecting that and why which fed right into my need to know, finding what would work better and what is best for all involved came easily to me, which living in America was a great philosophy to have to see the big picture going forward in life. My mother was a drinker, and very bad at it. My Mother & Father's turmoil spilled out on my siblings and I. Thus fueling the fire to understand the how & why? My insatiable need to know the mechanics of everything drove me to research, read, attend lectures, follow studies and always seeking the how. I married young had 3 children & lost one to crib death it was at this time my parents divorced and went to war over my siblings, my marriage did not survive the hit. My 2 daughters and I moved on and between working, raising my beautiful children I read & researched, I remember reading in bed on my back holding book above me and the heads of my sleeping babes in my armpits, falling asleep with this big hard back medical book and liked to knocked myself senselessly awake again.Thank heaven it didn't hit the girls too I didn't do that again lol. We get so busy trying to get through life the best we can, the understanding of things we need to fortify ourselves mentally gets dropped for the need of something else. In the work place, family & friends I began to see how people hid or deny their feelings me being one of them, life was getting the better of us, why? I met a marine on leave and my son was born, I said met not married. My struggle to understand sent me in many directions, for every one thing I learned several more areas were revealed to research. At one point it became daunting. Which led me to research the needs of human to survive healthy of mind and human reactions, human thinking, body language in combinations, reveals what the mouth doesn't say I read, took notes watched to see if the information was correct and in what situation made the changes and then what they were. I read the for and against and pros and cons of everything to see what was the truth and if was applicable. I searched for the meaning in life so ALL religion & what they had in common became a 20 year study with me. All the while watching, reading & studying what was happening to the human race as a whole. My children became a think tank to me lol. We would talk while I cooked dinner. Bath time, homework however bedtime was a different story we read for fun, I would tell stories, they would tell stories, I played guitar and we'd sing, we'd discuss the worried moments of the day and find a better way but always the positive through the negative. Bedtime was for the release to sleep peacefully and tomorrow was another day with no mistakes. Years are a funny thing they pass in a blink all the while you are seemingly very busy with one thing or another. I got so busy a couple years there I noticed all I was doing was damage controlling, checking things off the list and going right to the next thing without appreciating what I had and enjoying all the little things that present themselves to you. Thank heaven for my children who from time to time remind and on occasion demand I just stop and breathe. As Adults My oldest was telling me how something I had said had come back to her and said I should write a book on it. A couple days later my other daughter had mentioned a similar thing in passing when I mentioned my older daughters thoughts. I took the idea to my son who said,"You really should write a book" There in was the birth of the book. Labor of love really. As I wrote the book to all of you it became clear that possibly this may have been where my life has lead me. To at least give another view on how we value and devalue ourselves wrongly. You are worth so much more than society deems worth to be. Everyone is unique one of a kind and everyone has a flaw as does a diamond that is how they are identified with value. Everyone has a burden, life seems to be quirky that way, big or small that seems the constant, in the midst of it with the right perspective you find happiness. You can be happy because you are enough to make that happen. My children are are grown and successful in their chosen careers and have given me 7 unbelievable grandchildren to love and I will grow old wrapped in their love. And that is enough.

Book preview

FOREWORD

It all begins with a thought. You’re thought about you (to be exact) and how things get from affecting you a little - to becoming overwhelming. Life actually goes on in our heads first and foremost, flashing faster than the speed of light. We humans have no tolerances for things left hanging out there; the anticipation of bad and the fear of unknown are too much to bear.

So we have a tendency to fill in the blanks to attain closure (this is where the trouble begins). For those of you that like happy endings, you romanticize things, situations and people. Making them appear better than they are. For those of you who are conspiracy thinkers, you fill in the blanks with deception around things, situations and people. For those of you who are excuse givers have an excuse for everyone, forgive all things, situation and people with an excuse. For those of you who don’t handle disappointment, avoidance, procrastination and denial are your friends. On and on coping scenarios go. There’s something for every type of person.

Our brain works for us and against us, in that whatever we repeatedly focus on the most is what it knows to be true. The subconscious doesn’t know good or bad, right or wrong. It knows what you think repeatedly is true whether it is, or not. The conscious mind is the distinguisher of knowing right, wrong, bad or good, hot or cold, left or right. Each plays a part in our lives and in understanding which parts play what and the mechanics of it all. You can understand thinking, behavior, feelings, emotions and see points of view to those unique faceted diamonds we call humans. And the amazing, misunderstood and underestimated tool that is in the driver’s seat, the brain.

There are many good books available if you care to read them on anything you may encounter. I don’t know if there is a book that you find all the answers in. I have yet to find one that does. However, I have found every book I’ve ever read does have a golden nugget. I hope you find a golden nugget in this book.

CHEROKEE LEGEND TWO WOLVES

One evening a little brave came to his grandfather who was sitting at a fire and sat down beside him. The Grandfather looked over at the little brave and noticed he had a heavy heart, and asked what is causing the long face? The little brave said, I have a heavy heart, someone who I thought was my friend has betrayed me and I hate him.

The grandfather nodded and sighed a long sigh and said, I see, I too have had a heavy heart from time to time and he began the Cherokee legend of the two wolfs. The Grandfather said Hate is a poison that you drink wishing your enemy would die, but it does nothing to your enemy. The Grandfather continued There are two wolves that live inside me.

"One wolf is goodness – it is love, peace, joy, forgiveness, serenity, humility, respect, kindness, courage, dignity, benevolence, empathy, truth, compassion, generosity, tolerance and faith.

He lives in harmony with all around him; he does not take offence when no offense was intended He will only fight when it is right to do so, and in the right way.

The other wolf is evil – it is anger, ego, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, deceit, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, hate, revenge, blame and shame.

He is full of anger, little things set off his temper and he fights everyone all the time. He cannot think his anger is so great, it is a helpless anger, it will change nothing."

Sometimes the Grandfather said stirring the fire then continued, It is hard to live with these two wolves inside me, for both want to be the master of my spirit.

The Grandfather got quiet and a long while passed as they shared the fire then the little brave looked at his grandfather and asked which one will win Grandfather?

The Grandfather poked the fire sending glowing embers into the air and said the one I feed the most, for I am the master of my spirit

- UNKNOWN WONDERFUL ARTHUR-

PERSPECTIVE

"If you change the way you look at things,

the things you are looking at will change."

-Wayne Dyer-

*

"It is not death that a man should fear,

but he should fear never beginning to live."

-Marcus Aurelius-

*

"Open your eyes look within. Are you

satisfied with the life your living?"

-Bob Marley-

*

"Sometimes the only reason for us to be somewhere else

is to see things from a different

PERSPECTIVE."

-Lisa Summers-

*

We do not see things as they are, we see things as we are.

-Anais Nin-

*

Taking pictures is savoring life intensely, every hundredth of a second.

-Marc Riboud-

PERSPECTIVE

Perspective is everything in your world. Your likes, dislikes and everything in between them. It’s the starting point in your mind that virtually everything about you and your world stem from.

The degrees in which you view and judge the world you live in. Your beliefs, your do’s and don’ts, haves and have-nots, what is less and what is more, what is too bright what is too dark, too hot too cold, whether you’re loved enough or not enough and so on. It ebbs and flows with intensity to importance, ever changing with new knowledge, new information and new experiences. Your perspective influences everything and it is influenced by everything.

More often than not you will need to adjust your perspective about your perspective. Search for a different way to look at something, think out of your box, and get a better perspective. Walking in another person’s shoes allows you to see things from their point of view, how it is affecting them, what are they thinking, feeling and experiencing from the situation. Would they see it exactly as you do? Odds are against that due to the fact everyone experiences things differently. So in understanding the way they experience it, you can understand that person a little better.

By simply changing your perspective, you broaden your perspective. You widen your ability to make decisions, experience more things, find additional things to make you happy, discover more of your potential and live a life fuller.

Change is a wonderful thing. Imagine if change decided to take a vacation on the worst day of your life. Your life would endlessly loop over and over that bad day. So not allowing change or making room for change or forcing yourself to change has rather adverse side to it, wouldn’t you agree?

Change is wonderful. Often times it does not feel wonderful when we are in the midst of it with fear throwing a tantrum. No matter how desperately the change is needed. What feels awful is your inner fear having a tantrum about the change. I heard it said once that 7 seconds can change your life. Indeed 7 seconds of immeasurable courage is all you need.

Be defiant where this spoiled tantrum throwing fear is concerned. Ignore the grandstanding display of shouting at you, filling you with adrenalin to control you. It’s a desperate attempt to get its way. "I am used to having my way where you are afraid when I tell you to be afraid. Now be afraid. You need to be afraid damn it. No. No one needs to be afraid. An old perspectives need changed to erase fear about that particular subject and updated with the new perspective of I’m not afraid of that anymore. Refile it in your library of life’s memories to the I don’t need to experience this anymore, I got it" Section.

Change is needed even when it is not invited or appreciated at the time. Extraordinary things await you just on the other side of the tantrum thrower. So the next time you face fear, remember courage is not the absence of fear it is what you do when fear is present. What is your perspective of the tantrum throwing fear? Someone’s throwing a tantrum in front of you. What are you going to do? Stand and listen to it? And keep standing there listening to it - allowing it to stop you from doing something you want to do? Be defiant, ignore it and accomplish something you thought you could never accomplish!

It’s your perspective, teach it, mold it, understand it and broaden it.

YOUR JOURNEY

Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.

-Neale Donald Walsch-

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Where ever you go, go with all of your heart

-Confucius-

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"People wait all week for Friday,

all year for summer,

all life for happiness"

-iliketoquote.com-

DON’T WAIT!

*

"Happiness is a journey not a destination. For a long time it seems to me that life

was about to begin-real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid.

At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.

This perspective has helped me to see there is no way to happiness. HAPPINESS IS THE WAY.

So treasure every moment you have and remember that time waits for no one."

-Alfred D. Souza-

*

If you feel like you are waiting for the perfect life to just show up, that is not going to happen without your direction and participation. Your life will set and wait for you it has been known to wait life times. Nothing happens without you. It’s your life; you’re the director, the creator, the orchestrator, the designer only you decide only you can make your life happen. It’s your life, it’s up to you, and it is all you. Don’t wait for me to give it to you; I’m busy designing my own.

-Unknown-

YOUR JOURNEY

A journey is from birth to death and every living thing has a journey with awareness. Other things we don’t give credence as to having awareness, have a journey as well and it is possible of it’s having an awareness of its existence simple because we do not give it one does not make it so. A plant journeys from seed to blossom. One must think it knows at which stages to do what things.

All nature, including its people, are on different levels of the journey known as life. Like you, trying to make their way through the best they know how, given the fact you were never given a personal how-to book when you are born. Keeping that in mind you realize each person’s journey is uniquely different and struggling with how to best accomplish or decide things on limited knowledge and understanding. Humans really are flying blind so to speak.

With the help of writers, philosophers, story tellers and now today’s media, we have knowledge of the diversity of journeys made by others. Today’s social media brings the struggles of journeys in your face, up close and personal.

So you get it, we are all in this together. What you may have not considered is, while in it together we are alone in our design. You have distractions, friends, family, co-workers and people surrounding you every day. Yet it is to be alone with you. When the electronics are off, television is off, radio is off and you are there with yourself alone, there you are. What do you think about?

What is a journey all about if not the personal growth and experiences? What would you like to experience on your life journey? Yes you need to work to make money to pay bills however the journey is not all about making money. In fact, it’s about you having experiences.

The reason jobs become grinding chores is because they are misplaced on the scale of life. You are here to experience life and friction begins when you only experience one thing… WORK with little to no money left for experiencing the things you came here to experience. You give your job the highest priority; instead of keeping it in the perspective it was meant, for the means to experience life. You get so caught in the routine of working that nothing else seems to matter.

All you focus on is making more money and working less without stopping to ask, what do you want to experience? You live to retire yet still fail to ask what you want to experience. What about along the way? What about all the moments you could be experiencing in the now?

Let’s say you’re from another planet. You have read about earth, a onetime thing to visit. What would you come here to experience? How many things would be on your list to do? For instance, if you want to experience love, you should have a list of questions to ask your potential mate to ensure your love experience is experienced per your perception. You wouldn’t throw chance to the wind and take what you get, would you?

I mean you would want the most bangs for your buck wouldn’t you? Of course you would, yet your journey is grinding away with little to no experiences and desperately grabbing on to the petty things that shouldn’t matter. Arguing, getting caught up in depression, disappointment, and self-loathing, blaming, bashing, judging and wasting this precious one-time-offered journey.

YOUR IDENTITY

"You will never find yourself, because you were never lost

like potential you must, discover, create and mold you."

-Me-

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"Some people try very hard to impress others,

and in doing so lose their own identity,

now they are a replica of who they tried hard to impress,

don’t be a reproduction be the original you were meant to be."

-Unknown-

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"Close your eyes and imagine the best version of you possible.

That’s who you really are, let go of any part of you

That doesn’t believe it."

-C. Assaad-

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"The ego is a false perception of self. It’s an idea,

a transitory identity that we’ve picked up."

-Frederick Lenz-

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The sky is not my limit…I am.

-T. F. Hodge-

*

I think a lot of self-identity and inner-personal development is hampered by consumerism and capitalism because we see ourselves as a reflection of the people who are around us truly.

-Aloe Blacc-

YOUR IDENTITY

Rene’ Descartes coined the phrase I think there for I am which begs the question: who do I think I am?

Webster, psychology and thousands of studies later tell us there is a vast array of identities. Such classification types are; self-identity, social identity, personal identity, individual identity, cultural identity, gender identity, collective identity and the list goes on.

In researching these fields I looked for patterns, similarities and differences. I believe I have found the truest definition of identity and what your identity is to you, in relation to you. It’s preference. There are many things that influence your identity however; preference holds the largest cut of pie in the whole pie theory. How you prefer to see yourself from what you believe, think and feel.

You misplace your identity by attaching it to what you do. Your abilities, however that is not who you are that is what you do. Being great at doing something does not make you a better person. Yes, it makes you feel good about yourself, validating to you, you’re a person with qualities, and still it is not your identity.

Your identity is inside you. It displays itself to the outside world when called to do so. It’s what you think about yourself and it shapes everything in your world. It is unseen beliefs and values to name a couple. It sets your comfort level, limitations, opportunities and it motivates you. It is you identifying yourself.

It influences and is ever evolving. What you prefer to identify with and invisible to the naked eye until physical magnification is called for. You prefer to be kind, in doing so if a person came to you in an unkind demeanor in a blink you would find them distasteful.

Picture this, your identity is how you see yourself and you bash yourself. What do you think would happen if you talked to another person the way you talk to you? I shudder to think. Fact… Self-bashing and degrading influences your identity; you don’t realize self-loathing is an invitation for your brain to write your feelings in stone and bring them to life.

All without your realizing you gave it permission. Which self-bashing, self-loathing, self-demeaning and self-slamming does. Give permission. Be careful what you say to yourself, you are listening and you believe it on some level, otherwise you would not have said it.

Unsupervised fear is another identity crippler. There are 2 types of fear; the good fear and the bad fear. The good fear is similar to the bad fear only in (adrenaline) and adrenaline effects are similar. Not the same, but very similar. Your heart beats faster, you’re breathing increases, and you have a burst of energy flowing through your body. There is excitement and the urge to try something; yes a small bit of fear is there but only from the new that you want to try. New is always a bit scary, it’s unknown.

Years of watching movies have us fearing the unknown to ridiculous intensity that does not truly belong there. Recognize this good fear. The urge to try and the excitement are specific to the good fear. The bad fear does not have them. So allow yourself to try when these are present is a very good thing. Bad fear cripples you into no action the entire urge to try are missing unless self-preservation has kicked in and that is another group of feelings altogether. When you want to try but you’re afraid, you’re not really feeling fear, you are calling it afraid but it isn’t. It’s you feeling the adrenaline rush of excitement.

The rush many extreme sports people go after this rush deliberately just to feel it. It is the thrill of the ride, so to speak. Learn to decipher those two feelings and you will know in the future when you’re really feeling fear and when you’re feeling the thrill of a new ride.

There are many things that influence your identity. Outside influences bombard your identity from every direction. Other people’s opinions, their behavior, things you read, things you hear, things you figure out yourself as in epiphanies and your beliefs, illuminations, connections you make in the course of experiences.

Traits you see you like and make your own, your do’s and don’ts, will and won’t. This is only mentioning a few of the things that influence your opinions and preferences about you not to mention how you prefer and feel about the outside world around you.

So broaden your preferences by experiencing life and preferring to like the experience without criticism or harsh judgements. Prefer happy in place of sad, prefer to laugh in place of cry and prefer to anticipate the good in place of fixating on the bad. Prefer to solve problems instead of focusing on and feeling the drama. Prefer to think out of the box where possibilities exist. Prefer to make mistakes and do them over, it is proof that you are trying and doing something other than being stagnate and withdrawn.

Your identity is unique; you are unique nowhere in the universe is there another you. You are the only one of its kind. So dare to look at you being you, be the best you, you can be! Nay-sayers be damned! Have courage and discover you’re potential, reach out and stretch yourself, encourage yourself.

Above all give yourself a break. Don’t be so hard on yourself; try a softer approach with yourself. Identify with you as you would with another human being. If you can’t say the same things to another human that you say to yourself then you should not be talking to yourself in that manner.

Don’t ever let anyone take YOUR IDENTITY from you EVER! It is YOU! And you are a very unique one of a kind baby; no one else on earth is like you. Out of billions and billions of people there is only one of you and you are it. The world would be different if you lost your identity and were not fully in it.

Your behavior and what you say reflect who you are. When you leave a room filled with people, what would you like to hear them say about you? Then find those traits and make them yours. It’s not hard to do, you decide to do it and start doing it. It is that easy, no biggie.

You will be with you the rest of your life. Who do you want to be, how do you wish to handle things? Your history of where you came from does not matter. What does matter is how YOU wish to represent yourself going forward.

You must realize how you look to other people, now I am not saying let other people influence the way you are. What I am saying is if this is the trait you want to represent you, what message are you sending with it. Because you say a thing does not mean it is received the way you meant it.

So with the traits you choose to make your own make sure they are the ones that truly represent you the way you want yourself to be represented. As in, you may want to be refined, make sure snobby is not in the mix or you will just come of uppity and arrogant and that is not what you aiming for. You get the picture. Be choosy there are a million and one traits, some are good and some are unscrupulous, you’re not limited to how many you can have so have a field day shopping your traits. If you see someone has a trait you admire take it and make it your own, that is not coping them, that trait is there for whom ever chooses to make it their own. So make it your own. Even in front of them, keep using it. It is a part of you now. Traits are free and available to anyone who will choose them.

People believe you are who you are. That is the illusion. You are who you choose to mold and design yourself to be. You represent you; don’t be too lazy, to busy blaming or to spiteful to be the best you. You are unique might as well be the greatest vision of unique you can be in representing you and who you choose to be.

It is futile to blame someone for who you are. When you submit or cave to someone is you being weaker, so be stronger and stand your ground. Scary? Of