Where's My Happily Ever After?: One Woman’S Heartfelt (And Hilarious) Online Quest for Love

By Elle Kay

Hey doll, You look really good! Still single? Hey, how about I get a nice bottle of wine, you make some light snacks, I stop by and we get to talk all night? Sounds like a plan for Saturday night? Im serious. I can give you my #, work #, address anything. Have a beautiful day and get in touch. Hector

********** What was Hector thinking? We had never met we hadnt even spoken on the phone but he wanted to talk all night and volunteered me to make some light snacks! Where did this guy learn to date?

**********

This book is a candid recounting (thats right every sordid detail is true!) of some of Elle Kays most wonderful, hilarious, and awkward dating adventures during her online search for love. Each of the names has been changed to protect the innocent and sweet (as well as the bizarre and socially awkward). Will one of these men hold the key to Elles happily ever after?

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Mar 27, 2014
• ISBN: 9781491726075

Elle Kay

Elle Kay is the author of the hilarious (and heartfelt) online dating book Where's My Happily Ever After? as well as the more serious Prequil My Life in Rhyme: One Woman's Poetic Journey to Find Herself. Elle continues to call NYC home.

Book preview

WHERE’S MY

HAPPILY

EVER AFTER?

One Woman’s Heartfelt (and Hilarious)

Online Quest for Love

ELLE KAY

iUniverse LLC

Bloomington

WHERE'S MY HAPPILY EVER AFTER?

ONE WOMAN’S HEARTFELT (AND HILARIOUS) ONLINE QUEST FOR LOVE

Copyright © 2014 Elle Kay.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

iUniverse books may be ordered through booksellers or by contacting:

iUniverse LLC

1663 Liberty Drive

Bloomington, IN 47403

www.iuniverse.com

1-800-Authors (1-800-288-4677)

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

ISBN: 978-1-4917-2606-8 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4917-2607-5 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2014903354

iUniverse rev. date: 03/21/2014

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Contents

Preface

Introduction

Elle’s Story

Date #1: Psycho Analyzer

Date #2: Latin Lover

The In Betweens

Date #3: Touchy Feely

The Norma Rae of Love

When You Least Expect It…

Date #4: Mafioso

More In Betweens

Date #5: Chin-Licker

Date #6: Karate Kid

Date #7: Jersey

Jersey (Part II)

The Power of Love

Dry Spell

Off-Liners

Open-Marriage

Some More In Betweens

Date #8: Shōūf

Shōūf (Part II)

Date#9: Mr. Observant (a.k.a. Pittsburgh)

Conclusion

Elle Kay’s Top Ten Tips—What Not to Do on a First Date!

Happily Ever After’s Glossary of Acronyms and Definitions

Experienced Online Dater’s Rules (EOD’s Rules)

Questions that May Make You Look at Love Differently

More About Elle

To my fellow daters who are looking for love and their happily ever after… and never thought their search would take them online!

To my sister, my parents, and my GOYS who have supported me through every (mis)adventure.

To my editor, Marianne Wallace, who brilliantly guided me in bringing my words to life in the proper way!

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Preface

Nothing was sugarcoated in this book.

This book is a candid recounting of some of the most wonderful, hilarious, and crazy dating experiences I had when I embarked on a year-long search for love.

I have described the good, bad, bizarre, amazing, and freakish as it actually happened. Some of it is hard to read. As uncomfortable as it may be, every sordid detail is true! Other parts will make you sigh with recognition, cringe in embarrassment, or laugh with happiness as you realize that you have experienced similar situations or exhibited like-minded behaviors.

No matter what, this book will make you think about love and the road you are taking to get there. It may even help to shed some light on some of the obstacles you have unconsciously thrown up that are now standing between you and your happily ever after.

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Introduction

I was certain that at 24 I would be married with kids. When I met my true love, our eyes would meet. I would smile. He would wink. Yellow Monarch butterflies would flutter around our heads. Cupid’s arrow of love would make me swoon only to have Mr. Amazing catch me. A few years later, we would have two amazing kids and a perfect house in a beautiful suburban neighborhood.

Thirteen years later, still no husband or kids. Where the heck was Cupid? And why hadn’t his arrow of love found me yet?

Not only did I never imagine being single at 37, never did I think I would have to go ONLINE to find love! I was a hopeless romantic and technology played no part in my love story. But I learned that love is something I cannot control—trust me, as a self-declared perfectionist, I have tried.

So, when you are feeling sulky, sitting on your couch not wanting to go out into the cold to meet friends for happy hour, eating popcorn as you watch yet another reality television show, or throwing your hands up toward the sky and crying out Where’s mine? (all hypothetical situations, of course!), remember, you are not alone.

You may not know when, or where, but at any moment love can be right around the corner—waiting on the subway platform, shopping in aisle three of the supermarket, grabbing a drink at the bar, taking your order at your favorite breakfast nook, or jogging by. So, get up and get out!

Or, stay in and read this book, knowing you are not alone in your quest for love and your happily ever after.

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Elle’s Story

At 37 years old I have to wonder, will I ever find my happily ever after? That’s yet to be seen… but let me tell you about the road I’m taking to get there.

. . . but I’m a romantic!

In order to understand my present, you need a little insight into my past. I’m a romantic, plain and simple.

I don’t take all the blame for the fact that I want a guy to be a gentleman and open doors for me, bring me flowers just because, make me smile by being sensitive and funny one minute and my manly protector the next! No, some of the blame must be placed on two other sources. First, my parents. They have been married over forty years and are still in love (geez, talk about setting the bar high and yes, there is a difference between loving someone and being in love—a subject I will definitely delve into later on). Second, and more important, my first love. At sixteen he would end up setting the tone for the way I would view love and relationships for the rest of my life (starry-eyed sighing, batting of the eye lashes, more starry-eyed sighing). Mr. Everpresent—a nickname my sister, who was ten years old at the time, found to be quite fitting—could not have been more perfect… that is, until the day he broke up with me. But this is not about lost love. This is about finding love, or at least about what I’m finding on the way to love!

Aidan and Big

After Mr. Everpresent there were relationships… but two, in particular, deserve special mention: Aidan and Big. All you Sex and the City watchers know exactly what I mean. Aidan was cute, sweet, romantic, and funny but something was missing. Big was sexy, beautiful, confident, and total chemistry, but he was emotionally damaged and, similar to the character, he kept breaking my heart in a huge way.

These two men would engulf my life for ten years as I ping-ponged back and forth between them. Why? Because together they were the perfect man. One fulfilled my physical lust and the other was my perfect emotional complement. To this day, the question still plagues me: Is it possible to find a man to whom you are attracted emotionally, mentally, AND physically? Or is some sort of settling necessary?

Finally, realizing I was stuck in limbo, I cut ties with both. Sad, hurt, and guilt-ridden, I decided to start on a new path. And so I returned to the dating world.

Reentering the Dating World

Reentering the dating world at 37 is vastly different than entering it at 16.

Don’t get me wrong, my weekly beauty process (I will save you from the agonizing details of what women go through to look beautiful—but waxing, to our horror, is usually involved), healthy eating, and going to the gym three times a week have allowed me to maintain a youthful glow. But now there are other things to consider, like beautiful 18-year-olds and the thirty-something and forty-something men who love them! (Okay, maybe not 18… . But, let’s face it, many guys are interested in dating a girl fifteen to twenty years younger! If I did that, I could only imagine our dates—the senior prom and beer pong at his frat!) I’ve often wondered, Is there a double standard? Is an older man with a younger woman seen as more glamorous and acceptable than a Demi Moore-Ashton Kutcher situation?

Then there is the other main difference: men who assume that, because I am in my thirties, I carry around a burlap bag and once all is calm and serene I will pounce, throw it over their heads, and carry them off to be my baby-daddy. (Hey guys, not every girl’s biological clock is a ticking time bomb!)

So, once again back in the dating world, I took a deep breath and looked over my options. There seemed to be three main ways I could potentially meet my soul mate. Yes, I believe each of us has one. (I’m a romantic remember!) But here’s the question: Is it possible that each of us has more than ONE soul mate? As I saw it, I would find love either at a bar, through work, or through friends.

3 . . . 2 . . . 1

Quickly realizing I loathed going to bars (even though years earlier this is how I had met Aidan, a great story that I will summarize by saying I had flu-like symptoms and he still found me cute!), my options dwindled to two. Having shifted careers from finance to being an independent contractor (a shift that often limits opportunities for dating unless you’re okay getting involved with clients—which for me is kind of like dating your friend’s ex—OFF LIMITS!) coupled with my tendency to be a bit of a workaholic, I realized that I had a better chance of opening my apartment door to find Channing Tatum standing there than I did of finding love at work. Although I had met my Big through work, I still wonder… Are office romances smart? This meant I was down to one option: meeting guys through friends. Now don’t get me wrong, my girls (a.k.a. GOYS) are the best. But with a few already enjoying the bliss of married life, others on the path to kids, and the rest in my canoe, I decided to put only a few organic eggs into this basket.

Elle’s Note: Ah yes, my GOYS… So what does GOYS stand for? One night when we were out for girl’s night, I realized how important these girls are in my life—they are my inner circle, my trusted advisors. We commiserate about guy dramas, work challenges, and personal crises. More important, they are always on my side whether times get tough or not. Butter may make it better (what can I say… I’m a foodie!), but every girl needs to have a group of GOYS—Girlfriends On Your Side.

Wait, what?

I was open to any introduction my sis or friends made. I still joined in the merriment of a happy hour every now and then. And when the one-off non-client-related work invite came in, I accepted. But I wondered: Was there more I could be doing to find love?

Then one day while my colleague Tracey and I were chatting about her weekend and the dating scene in New York City, she posed a question that would challenge my comfort level and change life as I knew it.

HER:   Have you given any thought to trying the online thing?

ME:   Wait, what?

HER:   Have you given any thought to trying online dating?

ME:   Wait, what?

HER:   I’m serious. I met my boyfriend online.

ME:   But… I’m a romantic. I’m supposed to meet him in the frozen food section of the supermarket when we both reach for the same pint of Chunky Monkey, or when we exchange glances while passing each other in the street, or while doing something I love—like hiking…

HER:   "You might, but it still can’t hurt. I mean I know a few girls that met their now-husbands online.