Dating, What The Fuck?

By Lori Hardacker

Dating, What the F*ck? is in no way, shape or form a self-help book! If dating is causing you despair and anguish, this book will not assist you in finding the answers or solutions! This hysterical and cringe-worthy piece of titillating writing will help you feel a sense of comfort, though. Every Single who ventures out looking for a partner will feel better knowing they are not alone!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lori Hardacker
• Release date: Jan 13, 2021
• ISBN: 9781005369439

Lori Hardacker

Lori L. Hardacker is a first- time author who has unfortunately been dating for over 20 years. The stories she has accumulated and her opinions on dating will cause others laughter, joy, pain and tears. Now wait, Lori is much more than a first-time author, she is also an entrepreneur, dance teacher and RV adventurer.Lori is originally from Massachusetts, but now resides in Southwest Florida. She went to Roger Williams University and received a BA in Dance and a minor in Theater. For four years, Lori owned and operated a successful dance studio and then later on created a traveling dance and fitness program that she brought to preschools, daycare and recreation centers and YMCAs in New England. Today she teaches tap, ballet, jazz, tumbling and creative movement to 18 month through 6-year olds, and she is known as the “Baby Whisperer”.Before Lori made Florida her home, she was living in her RV full-time, traveling and working around the country. She began this journey in May of 2016 and decided to come off the road in July of 2019. During her RV adventure, she worked in Maine, Florida, Tennessee, Texas, New Mexico, Michigan and Wyoming.Lori has always had an entrepreneurial spirit and now has a small event company for which she hosts single’s event, dating, relationship and sex trivia and “Hound and Human Happy Hours”.Lastly, her “kids” are one canine and one feline and she is planning on keeping it that way!

Book preview

Dating, What The F*ck?

by

Lori L. Hardacker

Copyright © 2020 by Lori L. Hardacker

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced without written permission from the publisher, except by a reviewer who may quote brief passages, nor may any part of this book be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any for or by any means electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or other, without written permission from the publisher.

This book is manufactured in the United States of America.

Cover art and text designed by Lori L. Hardacker.

Published by Lori L. Hardacker.

Dedication

This book is dedicated to all of the singles out there in the wild, aka the dating world. I can feel your pain, sorrow and frustration! All of us singles can commiserate and take comfort in the fact that others are also trying to crack the code or solve the puzzle! Stand strong, don’t give up, and have a big laugh at the ridiculousness! I am sending positive thoughts your way!

Acknowledgements

Thank You, Thank You and Thank You!

I have got to give a huge shoutout to my Mom and Dad for putting up with me for 48 years! Not only has it been a crazy ride for me, they also have had the wonderful opportunity of being my passengers! Hold on tight M&D, there is much more to come! I love you two! You ROCK!

My friends and family deserve a great big high-five for their constant laughter at my expense! They tell me that I am super funny and that I need to write a book about all of my dating woes. At least someone is getting a chuckle from my shit show!

Esmerelda, aka Essie is my canine soulmate and cannot be left out of the shoutouts! We basically rescued each other. I have to thank my 55lb dog for letting me spoon and hug her when I am happy, sad, cranky, emotional, etc., etc. She is the perfect cuddler!

I must thank Liah Kraft-Kristaine, my writing and business mentor. You came into my life for a reason and I am so grateful that you did! Not only have you guided me through writing my book and creating my businesses, you have also become my friend! Thank you for accepting me as the crazy, goofy, outspoken, and sometimes unfocused person I am! I couldn’t have written this book without you!

Lastly, I must thank all the men I have dated in my life. If it wasn’t for all of you, I would never have written the book. You gave me loads of great material to make this book both depressing and comical! I don’t miss any of you!

Contents

Dedication

Acknowledgements

Thank You, Thank You and Thank You!

Introduction

Hold on Tight, It’s Going to Be a Bumpy Ride!

Chapter 1 - The Beginning of the End!

Let’s Get Rolling!

Chapter 2 - Internet Dating Today/The Penis

It’s Always About the Male Genitalia!

Chapter 3 - Roast Beef and Tacos

What Do These Two Food Items Have in Common?

Chapter 4 - Internet Dating

Warning- This Chapter is Very Depressing and May Cause Feelings of Sorrow and Hopelessness!

Chapter 5 - Red Flags

A Clear Warning of Danger We Choose to Ignore and Then Wonder Why We Did!

Chapter 6 - First Impressions

You Only Get One Chance to Make a Good First Impression!

Chapter 7 - How to Get the Fuck Outta There

How to End a Date as Quickly as Possible!

Chapter 8 - Sex

The Glorious Three Letter Word That Causes a Lot of Catastrophes and Casualties!

Chapter 9 - Turning a Blind Eye to the Signs

Ignorance is Not Bliss!

Chapter 10 - Real and True Dating Stories

I am Not Making This Shit Up!

Chapter 11 - Dating, Relationship and Sex Trivia

The Good, The Bad and the Ugly!

Chapter 12 - Final Words

For Now, Anyway!

About the Author

Introduction

Hold on Tight, It’s Going to Be a Bumpy Ride!

The title of this book came to me in 30 seconds. It basically says it all in only 4 words, and the name is very bold and straight to the point!

That is pretty much where I am at in this stage of my life; no BS and no holding back. Unfortunately, I have been dating for over 20 years, and I am exhausted emotionally, physically, and mentally from it all! On top of that, I think all signs point to me starting Pre-Menopause. I can be one cranky bitch and my patience level is almost non-existent. This may not be the best time for me to write this book, but then again it may be the perfect time. The filter is gone, I am in a fuck-it mood, and everything that pisses me off is pissing me off even more!

"I have three moods:

What the fuck?

Are you fucking kidding me?

Fuck this."

Thank you JKC Publishers. This quote is a perfect opener for this book!

Because I am 48 and have never been married, I have had the wonderful opportunity of going on numerous first dates and leaving them wishing I had stayed home in my PJs to eat a pint of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream or a bag of sour worms and spoon with my dog! Yes, you have it right, I have never been married at the ripe old age of 48, only two years from the big 50! Holy shit, every time think about it, I literally feel nauseated and a bit dizzy!

Never in a million years did I ever think I would be this close to having a mid-life crisis without ever being married! I guess I won’t be having an affair on my husband if I ever have one. Even though I have given up on dating a hundred times, I still put myself back into the line of fire, just hoping it will be different this time around. I guess it is like an addiction, though I have never been addicted to anything. You try to give it up but, the temptation grabs you by the neck, drags you across the floor, and basically annihilates all of your will power.

The stories I have accumulated over 20 plus years are unforgettable (though I wish I could forget) and worthy of being put in print. The number of singles out there is mind-blowing and dating seems to be getting worse every day. I always say there is a Singles Epidemic and that dating is like a Seinfeld episode on repeat!

DON’T even THINK this is a self-help book on dating and how to find your soul mate. DON’T READ this book thinking you will finish it feeling hopeful. This is about the reality of dating and what a shit show it truly is! 

If nothing else, this book will make you laugh at the absurdity and shake your head at the ridiculousness. Let’s all put on our comfy clothes, grab a strong alcoholic beverage, gather together to commiserate, and try to see the positive and fun side of dating. Yeah right, f*ck that!

Chapter 1

The Beginning of the End!

Let’s Get Rolling!

Where to start? I honestly have no idea where to begin. Ugh, maybe I don’t want to write this book. I am ready to be done with dating stories and I don’t want any more to add to this book. When is the madness going to wrap up? 

Okay, okay, let’s start at the beginning. Where and when did this thing called dating ever start?

Wait! This song just came into my head and I must sing it as the opening act to Chapter one. Let’s start at the very beginning, a very good place to start, when you read you begin with ABC, when you sing you begin with Do Re Me, Do Re Me. Admit it, you were all singing along with me and reminiscing about the first time you watched The Sound of Music. I can keep going. Let’s do another song! So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, good night. I hate to go and leave this pretty sight. Now let’s change the words to describe dating in its truest light. So long, farewell, this date is such a fright. I have to go and end this horrifying night. Bam, I am good!

Okay, enough. I can’t promise I won’t sing again though. I went to college for dance and theatre and I love breaking out into song, and especially enjoy making up my own words and creating my own acronyms.

Back to the topic at hand. In case you forgot, like I did, we are discussing the history of dating and how it all began.

Infographic: A History of Love & Technology- archive.pov.org

1685 - The first known personal ads appear in a British agriculture journal. The publisher immediately recognizes its novelty and commercial potential — 'tis probable such advertisements may prove very useful."

I love the way the publisher speaks. Today, people can’t even spell correctly in their dating profiles. If you are a spelling and grammar fanatic, you should stay far, far away from online dating. It will make you gag and want to give up on the present human race.

1870 - A first newspaper for singles, The Matrimonial News, begins publication in post-Gold Rush San Francisco. Men pay $0.25 to place an ad (about $4.50 in today's dollars). Women post free. By 1900, there were no fewer than 20 similar publications.

I may be wrong, but if online dating sites were called Matrimonial News, only women would be on them. Men would literally sprint in the other direction!

Okay, I need to take a time-out. A question came to my mind and I need to know the answer, especially since this book is about dating! This is my question… Where did the word dating originate?

Answer- According to nypost.com, the book Labor of Love: The Invention of Dating explains-

The word date was coined — inadvertently, it seems — by George Ade, a columnist for the Chicago Record, in 1896. In a column about working class lives, he told of a clerk named Artie whose girlfriend was losing interest in him and beginning to see other men socially. When Artie confronts his fading love, he says, I suppose the other boy’s fillin’ all my dates?

And there you go. Now we can move on!

1910s - With growing acceptance of ads, lonely soldiers" of World War I and women connect over personal ads. At the same time, authorities suspect that coded messages in The Link, the UK's first lonely hearts monthly, are promoting (then illegal) homosexual activity. A trial finds the publisher guilty of gross indecency and the paper shuts down in 1921."

I feel like dating in general is a coded message that I can’t figure out! Dot, dot, dash, dash, dot…

2000 - San Francisco's Craigslist begins offering free personal ads. In 2010, the site closes an erotic services section after accusations that it facilitates prostitution and sex trafficking.

Ummm, I am not sure what to say here. Erotic services does sound like prostitution. Does it not? Sex trafficking is another whole disgusting and repulsive story, and I have no desire to even comment on it, especially when I am in a foul mood about men at the moment. Sorry guys!

So, there is a very brief view of A History of Love & Technology. Now let’s talk about the beginning of internet dating via websites and apps and when this God-awful creation started.

So here are some facts from DatingAdvice.com. Wait, before we get into information and statistics, I have a question for you all. Is there truly such a thing as good dating advice? I mean, if there was, there wouldn’t be so many single people in the US, right? There probably wouldn’t be so many people sitting in Psychologists’ office, crying about being alone, and wondering what is wrong with them, or asking a psychic to read cards and give them insight into their future lovers.

Okay, back to some 411 on actual numbers…

How many single people are there, you ask? My simple answer would be a shit load, but I know some of you readers are probably analytical and need solid information.

USNews.com put out an article in Feb. 2020 titled, The State of American Households: Smaller, More Diverse and Unmarried. Single-person households increased five-folds since 1960, from 7 million to 36 million. The population living with at least one other person hasn't even doubled during that period. 

Now I am assuming this doesn’t include the singles still living at home with Mom and Pop. Winner, winner, chicken dinner.

Let’s do a show of hands. How many of you think America has moved in the right direction with the growth of single peeps living alone? How many of you are quite adamant that relationships in this country have gone to shit and marriage is unfortunately going to become extinct?

I know you all can’t see my hand, but if you could, you would see my middle finger up because I have no idea how I feel, and I don’t want to think or meditate about it. It is all a hot mess to me and I would rather go to the gym than think about it. FYI, I despise the gym, and the site of the weight training and cardio equipment makes me nauseated along with the ever popular gym smell.

So, back to the original topic… my focus lately has sucked, so I apologize in advance. Where and how did internet dating start?

Once again, facts from DatingAdvice.com. I am sure you have heard about the very popular site Match. Well, that dating site was the very first site created in 1995. Most of the very first users of this site were given a free lifetime membership.

Now I don’t know about you, but if the words lifetime membership were now connected with any dating site, I don’t think that would be good marketing. If it’s going to take me a lifetime to find my match, I might as well give up, throw in the towel now, and join the nunnery.

Today, Match is Responsible for More Romantic Connections Than Any Other Dating Site. Match has never produced a match for me, but it has for a few other people I know, who are actually quite happy and some are even married with children, so I guess it