The New Adventures of Sst: The Exciting and Hilarious Exploits of One Man

By Tilawan

IF YOU
ARE LOOKING FOR WHAT WILL KEEP YOU
LAUGHING ALL THROUGH, THEN YOU HAVE
FOUND IT IN THE NEW ADVENTURES OF
SST....
TWENTY GREAT STORIES OF THE
ADVENTURES OF ONE MAN....
A GOOD COLLECTION OF COMEDY AND SUSPENSE

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse UK
• Release date: Oct 17, 2012
• ISBN: 9781477230336

Tilawan

Suleiman Tilawan is the writer of The New Adventures of SST and the Motivational Speaker: The Game Planner.

Book preview

© 2012 by Tilawan. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse 09/24/2012

ISBN: 978-1-4772-3031-2 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4772-3032-9 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4772-3033-6 (e)

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Contents

Dedication

. . . . In Memory

About The Author

The New Adventures of SST

Prologue

Chapter One

Meeting with Lagos Scammers

Chapter Two

Weting Lagos People Wan Hear Sef?

Chapter Three

Lagos Girls Know Good Things

Chapter Four

Lagos Girls and Fast Food Joints

Chapter Five

Party NA Lagos Get Am

Chapter Six

Miriam Na Wa

Chapter Seven

Small Girls in Lagos with Shakara

Chapter Eight

Lagos Girls and Christmas Wahala!

Chapter Nine

The Wise Prof and His Weird Talks

Chapter Ten

The Bulldozers

Chapter Eleven

Lagos Girls And Fast Food Joints . . . 2

Chapter Twelve

When SST Was Moved To Abuja . . . .

Chapter Thirteen

When SST Went Shopping . . .

Chapter Fourteen

The Day SST Became A Federal Minister

Chapter Fifteen

SST And The Foreign Expert

Chapter Sixteen

SST On A Journey To A Friend’s Wedding

Chapter Seventeen

The Long Queues In Naija . . . . No Easy O!

Chapter Eighteen

What Kind Of Kids?!

Chapter Nineteen

Naija Check Point Wahala!

Chapter Twenty

Dan SST!

Chapter Twenty One

Shine Your Eyes

Dedication

untitled.jpg

To all the people in my life . . .

. . . . In Memory

untitled.jpg

Of my dear mother, Mrs. Alice Tilawan (1938-2010)

About The Author

untitled.jpg

Suleiman Saidu Tilawan known to friends by his initials SST, is the writer of the bestselling motivational book on power intrigues; The Laws of the Bosses.

A wise man can play the part of a clown, but a clown cannot play the part of a wise man.—Malcolm X

Everybody is a genius, but if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree it will live its life thinking it is stupid. . . . . Einstein

The New Adventures

of SST

untitled.jpg

The Good Book of Good Comedy

Prologue

untitled.jpg

The book—The New Adventures of SST is the adventurous and fictional exploits of Sawuntungo Sasukito Talungo known by his initials; SST. It relates several interesting and hilarious happenings that carry the reader through the encounters of the enigmatic SST who once served in the army before going back to an exciting life in retirement as a civilian working with a security firm. It is a continuation to the accounts of the Adventures of SST in the earlier book, The More Things Change, the More They Remain The Same and The Adventures of SST.

Chapter One

Meeting with Lagos Scammers

untitled.jpg

The first problem you would encounter as a person coming to the city of Lagos is how to get a suitable accommodation in the overcrowded city; I’m talking of someone like me who is in the working class. The only means available to getting an accommodation in Lagos is a craftily woven racketeer operated by the mafias. One can’t get a living place to rent except the person goes through any of the several licensed real estate agents who operate under the protection of the powerful mafias that front as a union. In reality, it is just a criminal outfit designed to stop you from getting a house on your own.

Even when you are ready to follow this established means, the mafias, through its agents will ensure that you would be lucky to get a place to rent in a month or two, while all the time pushing you to raise the agent fee. And that is if you are lucky not to fall into one of the traps of a group of these agents that go into fleecing unsuspecting newcomers through ingenious scams. The group known as the scammers.

A scammer often comes along as the nice looking operator. Sometimes, he could come in a cunning appearance or as an outright crook.

I was unlucky to meet all the three in one. When I relocated to Lagos, I was forced to move in with a friend while looking for a place of mine. And because of the discomfort of this arrangement, I had it in mind not to stay with him for long. I just needed enough time before securing an accommodation for myself. Sharing an accommodation or squatting, as it is popularly called, is not a pleasant experience in Lagos. In the first place, you always find yourself getting in the way of your host, which would be very often because you are most likely to squat with someone trying to make enough space for himself in a one bedroom apartment. I believe you can understand the reason I was so eager to move to a place of my own. If not for anything, at least I needed a place for my privacy. You know what I mean?

The only way to get an accommodation in Lagos, as I said in the beginning, was to go through an estate agent. And there were many of these agents scattered all over the city. Looking for these agents was not hard anymore as we are in the internet age. So I went to check them up on the internet.

While going through several adverts of various estate firms on the internet, I came across an advert with interesting details by a private firm that immediately drew my attention. On the firm’s web page was the written advert which reads: ‘Kehinde Taiwo Estate Agents. We are the most reputable and sought after estate agents in Lagos! For your fastest way to an affordable, comfortable and stress—free accommodation anywhere In Lagos, contact us at Adeniji Jones No6 Ikeja, or on . . . .’ and a personal phone number followed.

I was particularly elated about this one. It wasn’t the name that got me thrilled but rather it was the location of the agent’s office. I was excited with its proximity to where I stay. The office was a stone throw from my friend’s house, where I was entering my second week of unceremonious squatting. If you have experienced the traffic situation in Lagos, you will understand why proximity often overrides all other considerations in choosing the business to do or where to live in the city.

I quickly took the number and dialed. A voice sprinkled with a tint of British accent answered almost as soon as it rang. It was so fast that one would think the person was standing by for the call!

"Hello, this is Kehinde and associates, reputable estate agents.’’ He was speaking in such a low tone that if I had not taken the precaution of straining the handset to my ears, I won’t have heard him.

You would think I called up a cultured receptionist to book a room at the Sheraton! The voice was too sleekly to be for just an estate agent. This guy should be in the hospitality business! Well, anyway, advertising a house for rent in a burstling mega city, and opening a room for hire in a motel, sounds alike, doesn’t it? Is all about hospitality, right?

I quickly replied "Good morning, sir, I am Mr. Ta . . . well, anyway just call me SST, that’s my initials. Most people are more comfortable with it.’’ I gave him my usual introductory pattern that always starts with an attempt to call the full name, and then abruptly stop to end with nothing but my initials.

You will do the same if you have a ‘jaw-breaking’ name like mine!

"Ok, Mr. SST; I’m alright with that. So, of what service can I be to you?’’ He inquired.

Wow! Such a nice guy! He said it in the most polite manner I’ve ever heard, at least since coming to Lagos. Maybe I’m in the right place! La la!

Yeah, thanks. I just thought about moving to a new place. I’m kind of tired of my old duplex and need a change. We are not in this world to live forever you know, so why don’t we move a little?’’ I tried a little humour to lighten the atmosphere before moving to the issue. I was going through your website and saw that you can help me with a good accommodation." I said it with the assurance of a man not in a hurry for an immediate solution.

You have to learn not to appear too desperate with these people or they will take you for a ride. Just let them think getting a new accommodation is not much of a problem to you, all you needed after all is a change of status and you are not necessarily desperate for a roof over your head. Above all, never say you are squatting, please!

No problem, Mr. SST, this is my area of specialty. You can come to my office anytime. Do you have the address? When you are around, we can discuss the issue. When will it be okay with you? He was speaking with the confidence of a professional who is conversant with his job.

When will it be okay with me? Can I get wings and fly now! But as I said, never appear to be in a hurry! I have been warned by my friend, Segun, when you show you are eager, you easily fall for a scam.

"Mmmhh let me see when I would be opportune. I have a tight schedule at my office you know, what about . . . . this evening?’’ I replied sharply.

I should have put it off a little, maybe a day or two? I shouldn’t appear too desperate, as I said. But my brother, I was tired of squatting, the sooner the better, please!

The man took his time to reply, I could hear him chuckling at the other end. This man was sure not taken in by my act. Surely, I was not the first person he met that gave him that ‘I’m not in a hurry’ line!

"Ok, Mr. SST, I will be at the office waiting for you, let’s say you come by 4?’’ He offered, seeking my consent for an appointment. I replied that it was all right with me.

I was at the Adeniyi Jones Street address given to me by Kehinde at quarter past four. The Leopard Building where the office was located was conspicuous by the roadside. After inquiring where the Kehinde and Associates office was located in the building from a receptionist, I quickly climbed to the second floor. I could see the name boldly written in gold coloured italics on a metallic plate that was attached to the second door on the right, "Kehinde and Associates Estate Agents’’ it reads. I knocked softly and opened the door.

I was expecting to find myself in a cute waiting room and facing a sweet talking secretary, before being ushered to the main office like one of those big business offices. Instead, I saw myself standing in a small stuffy room, looking into the eyes of a medium aged man sitting behind what seemed to be the only item of any good value in the office, a small mahogany table. A small rubber table tag was kept in front of him and on it was boldly written: ‘Kehinde Taiwo’.

I shifted my neck around a little, sizing up the little office, Okay! I have seen the ‘Kehinde Taiwo’ but where are the associates? I thought this was supposed to be a firm? The man sitting behind the desk stood up and extended his hand to me across the table, "Good day, I believe you are Mr. SST?’’ He said assuredly.

What? Was I the only one he was expecting for the day? No other client? I thought this was supposed to be one of those highly sought after estate agent offices that everyone was crowding over for an appointment! But look what I found for myself; a man in a small office, alone, and expecting only a single visitor!

I looked up and down the small office unable to hide my astonishment. I saw he was looking at me and waiting for me to speak first. I quickly got hold of myself and managed a smile back.

I gave him my answer promptly but casually.

Yes, I am, and I believe you must be, Mr. Kehinde. I’m pleased to meet you, sir.’’ I extended my hand to him cautiously. Apparently sensing my discomfort, he added Oh! Don’t mind my office, this is my little branch. My main company is at Victoria Island, but I love seeing my friends here. It is quieter.’’ He said smiling.

Well, that explains some of it, only that I didn’t remember reading of any main branch in Victoria Island on the firm’s website! Please don’t blame me for sounding a little too edgy. In Lagos, one easily gets suspicious when the signal stops fitting in with the information.

He offered me a small seat, facing him. I sat down slowly and carefully not to bend hard on the frail wooden chair. I was not that sure it would withstand any extra pressure. He was looking at me and rubbing his hands together and shaking a little in his seat, like a man that couldn’t wait to stick his fingers into a barbecue!

Well, well, Mr. SST, I’m happy to meet you. What can I get for you?’’ He asked. I looked round the little shabby office. I don’t think I could squeeze anything greater than a small bottle of coke here! I declined the offer. He didn’t pressed me further, but rather continued with his talk Mr. SST, I should say you really are a lucky man. Something just came in an hour ago since we talked last on the phone. I think it would interest you.’’ He said to me, smiling like a groom before a priest!

I, lucky? You can say that again! Whatever just let me get a place, mister!

He was going through a small folder in his hands, from where he brought out a little coloured flier. "Yes, here is something that might interest you. Elemo Estate has some things that might interest you, there’s a three bedroom flat available for rent.’’ He said; his eyes still fixed on the flier in his hands as if he was seeing it for the first time.

Wow! Did he say a three bedroom apartment? Mine! That will surely be on the high side! I won’t need more than a bedroom or two!

I looked at him while bending a little against the seat and shaking my head in a comfortable manner Oh, no I need something smaller. You know how it is. I’m a very reserved person, you know. I like small spaces.’’ I said smoothly, putting up a little bore look of a man not used to not getting his request. He looked at me regretfully. Oh . . ." He said, sounding obviously disappointed at my outright rejection of the offer.

`But he wasn’t through with the offers yet. "Alright, I’m sure you will love this one. It is a two bedroom apartment with a terrace and goes for 500,000 per annum. And of course, you know, we will need a down payment for two years.’’ He said, trying all he could to be convincing.

Yeah, something like that is alright with me.

I would like that.’’ I said. He looked at my face, finding it hard to hide his excitement. Yeah, yeah, good, so good! But the house is still occupied; however the occupant will soon pack out. Let me check.’’ He flipped through more pages a little, and looked up with a surprised smile, like an archaeologist that just hit treasure. "Yes, that’s good. He will leave at the end of the month and then you can move in, my friend.’’ He said happily.

I looked up and checked the calendar on the office wall. End of the month? It’s just 3, today! Well, no problem, I can manage till then.

"It’s okay with me.’’ I said, with all the effort I could muster to hide the excitement boiling inside me, so as not to expose my desperation for a place to stay.

"That settles it, Mr. SST; you can meet me tomorrow at about this time. We can go to Victoria Island and check the house and also get to talk to the occupant on when he is packing out.’’ He said. I replied that it was fine with me too. I left his office; feeling I needed to have wings, so that I could fly, fly with joy!

Wow! I will soon be an occupant of a two bedroom apartment at Victoria Island, and the money the agent was asking for the house sounded very reasonable to me.

That night I told Segun, my host, my roommate . . . . alright. I mean the guy I was squatting with in his one bedroom flat at Ikeja? You don’t know him? Well, I guess I didn’t introduce him at the beginning. Anyway, I told Segun what transpired between the estate agent and me. Instead of him jumping and giving me a hug as I expected, he stared back hard at me with a cautious look in his eyes and said; "SST, a two bedroom flat in Victoria Island for that price? That is a shock.