My Diary and Early Life Lessons

By Michelle Kontoice

I am not an author, but Ive kept a journal for most of my life. When I was in my teen years, I wrote in my journal but also wished I could know the thoughts and read the journal of another teenager. I thought I was the only one feeling what I was feeling. My first intention with this book is to provide my diaries as a written display that the stages one goes through as a teenager, while unique, are also relatable. My second intention is self-serving. I put this project together to better understand myself, and I would encourage others to do the same.

You may now come on the journey of my life, starting with my early adolescence. Follow me as I change my desired occupation more times than I can count, get harassed for my sexual experimentation, search for God, and experience many other hills and valleys along my pathway. This book is about one-quarter of my journal. I took out what I thought was repetitive or, rather, me just blabbering on and certain secrets about people that I wouldnt want revealed. I also combined some entries to avoid repetition, and all of the names in this book are fictitious. Other than that, everything is real and raw.

Because of these journals, I clearly remember being a teenager. I felt alone even though there were people all around me. I felt completely misunderstood. I constantly felt betrayed. I felt awkwardly sexual. And I felt full of a slight rage I couldnt understand. I felt I had a lot to say, with thousands of questions that no one cared to answer. I wish someone had told me that it would get easier. Everyone told me life gets tougher with responsibilities. I believe that people dont truly remember what it was like to be a teenager. Life is more stressful now, but do people truly remember what it was like to feel as powerless as they did when they were teenagers? I remember. Its hard not to with my journals.

I am now in my midtwenties and going back through my life to try and learn more about myself. This book presents my journey thus far.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Jan 23, 2012
• ISBN: 9781462062591

Michelle Kontoice

Currently a working professional in Boston, Massachusetts, this author is published under a false name. To contact, you may reach her at [e-mail]

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Copyright © 2012 by Michelle Kontoice.

Email: [e-mail]

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ISBN: 978-1-4620-6258-4 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4620-6259-1 (ebk)

Printed in the United States of America

iUniverse rev. date: 01/17/2012

Contents

Introduction

Age 13

Age 14

Age 15

Age 16

Age 17

Age 18

Age 19

Age 20

Age 21

Age 22

Age 23

Age 24

Age 25

Name Chart

Introduction

I am not an author, but I’ve kept a journal for most of my life. When I was in my teen years, I wrote in my journal but also wished I could know the thoughts and read the journal of another teenager. I thought I was the only one feeling what I was feeling. My first intention with this book is to provide my diaries as a written display that the stages one goes through as a teenager, while unique, are also relatable. My second intention is self-serving. I put this project together to better understand myself, and I would encourage others to do the same.

You may now come on the journey of my life, starting with my early adolescence. Follow me as I change my desired occupation more times than I can count, get harassed for my sexual experimentation, search for God, and experience many other hills and valleys along my pathway. This book is about one-quarter of my journal. I took out what I thought was repetitive or, rather, me just blabbering on and certain secrets about people that I wouldn’t want revealed. I also combined some entries to avoid repetition, and all of the names in this book are fictitious. Other than that, everything is real and raw.

Because of these journals, I clearly remember being a teenager. I felt alone even though there were people all around me. I felt completely misunderstood. I constantly felt betrayed. I felt awkwardly sexual. And I felt full of a slight rage I couldn’t understand. I felt I had a lot to say, with thousands of questions that no one cared to answer. I wish someone had told me that it would get easier. Everyone told me life gets tougher with responsibilities. I believe that people don’t truly remember what it was like to be a teenager. Life is more stressful now, but do people truly remember what it was like to feel as powerless as they did when they were teenagers? I remember. It’s hard not to with my journals.

I am now in my midtwenties and going back through my life to try and learn more about myself. This book presents my journey thus far.

Age 11

The entries in this chapter come from the mind of an eleven-year-old. I had scattered thoughts. This is the first time I learned what it felt like for a boy I had a crush on to be mean to me apparently because of the way I dressed. The entry on March 16, 1997, is interesting because a couple of my goals I set for myself that day did actually happen. I did take math and an acting class in college and was a part-time banker who was hired because my mom made a phone call.

This was a very interesting age. I was learning the first steps toward taking care of myself, since no one had taught me how to do so prior. From the people around me at school, I learned about a lot—including grooming. I remember one day a teacher pulled me aside and said, Do you brush your hair in the morning?

I said, Yeah, I do a few strokes.

Then she explained to me that I needed to brush the top and bottom layers of my hair. I guess that didn’t even occur to me. I felt my hair and the bottom layer was so badly knotted that it felt like dreads. I don’t know what that teacher must have thought of me or my home life, but I certainly needed to start caring about what I looked like to some extent, and I tried after that.

March 15, 1997

Dear Diary,

My name is Michelle and I got this diary at the school literature day. I also got a horse poster I hung up and the Clueless book, Achieving Personal Perfection. I am also getting glasses for the second time. It hurts my eyes to read, but I got cooler frames this time, the old ones were thick and ugly.

March 16, 1997

Dear Diary,

I know I am only 11 but when I grow up I want to play basketball in college so I won’t have to pay, take math, and acting class. Have a part-time job as a banker—be hired by my mom—not at same branch. When I’m done with college, drop the banker, and go to Hollywood, California to make my movie, be in General Hospital when I’m done with that and come home to live there, and be a banker again, and a basketball player.

June 6, 1997

Dear Diary,

I have a huge crush on Joel, he is someone in my class and in class today we were watching a movie. He was pulling my hair out in back of me. I was funny at first, until he stated getting mean. He even told me I dressed like a scrub…

I always curse at mom and dad, mom likes my brother, Seth better than me, and she wonders why I cry at night. They think I am getting wise, I don’t think so. And about drugs, I would never ever want to do them! And smoking just thinking about what they would do to my lungs is awful! On commercials people say to talk to your kids about them, and I don’t want them to. They don’t even need to. About 8 boys in my class smoke and offer. 15 in the grade—I’d hate to see in high-school. Deborah is cool, and she would never smoke either.

Age 12

I didn’t write in my journal at all when I was twelve. A lot happened that year, though. I developed a fascination with both the Ouija board and the movie The Craft. Then I made my way into Wicca and some voodoo. I would pray and do voodoo on my father so that he would leave. I remember that, some days, I would pray that he would die. He was very abusive toward me and my brother during the time leading up to my twelfth year of life, and it got to a point where I was afraid to go home. This was the year that he did move out. I actually believed his departure was a result of my prayers or the voodoo.

After my father left, ours went from a very strict household to one with no discipline at all. You can imagine what that would unleash in a child. This was also the first year I got physical with a man. My brother’s friend, who was eighteen years old, would get very sexual with me, and it was the first time I was ever touched. This went on for about every other night during the entire summer of my twelfth year, until I started locking myself in my room when he came over.

Age 13

When I was thirteen, I went through a phase that most adolescent girls have in college. I thought I was bisexual. In fact, I hadn’t even really considered my sexuality until one day at a birthday party, a girl named Jillian said she was bisexual and the words Me too just came out of my mouth.

I experimented with many things. Jillian was the only bisexual female in my junior high, and I became very close to her.

I was afraid to tell people that I had a girlfriend, but I did want to get it out in the open. So I told the most attention-craved student in my class, Simone, knowing she would tell everyone for me. Simone would become the classmate who made fun of me the most, calling me dyke and other names. (Ten years later, Simone often posts on Facebook how she hates when people judge she and her girlfriend. While I’m tempted to remind her of junior high, I resist.) At thirteen, I learned what it was like to lose all of my friends. I had no true friends. It would be years before I would have loyal friends, and I wouldn’t appreciate them as much as I do if it wasn’t for the lessons I learned as a preteen.

The very next day after I told Simone that I was bisexual, the whole school already knew. I remember walking down the hallways of my junior high and passing each of my friends and teachers as they either pretended they didn’t see me or nudged their friend next to them whispering some joke I’m glad that I didn’t hear. Some teachers felt bad for me, and some joined in making fun of me. I lost all of my friends that year. I just think it just wasn’t cool to be friends with me anymore. I had to create a whole new group of friends, which consisted of misfits, outcasts, and some great people who just didn’t care what people thought.

This year, I also met people in life that I had met online and experimented with drugs. I was young, and I didn’t truly understand consequences. If you would have asked me, I would have said, I’m being safe about it. I made all these decisions in my own head, and I remember not really having anyone to talk to about them.

October 10, 1999

Okay, last night I slept over my girlfriend, Jillian’s house, but the next day, we go out for breakfast (uhh my mom invited her) She talked about how Sharon wrote Michelle and Jillian die gay girls on a sign in the bathroom. I did not want my mother knowing that. I tried to cover it up by saying she apologized, but she didn’t and my mother just kept telling me to shut up. I told Trey I would go downtown with him today, but my mom won’t leave the room for me to sneak out. Though it’s raining anyways.

October 13, 1999

Today I was called down to the guidance counselor about being harassed. Of course I have been, but it has died down extremely. I gave Ivana the note to give to Jillian as I walked down there to finally dump her. She started to guilt me too much. Last week I exchanged numbers with a guy at the mall that was 19. I told him I was thirteen and he didn’t mind, but his friend got distant. He called me last night, but my mother answered and said it was too late to be calling, when it was really because she was on the phone talking to Larry, her boyfriend.

October 26, 1999

I talked with a lot of people online today. This includes Juliana, who I met online. She lives in Natick, which is not that far away from this town. It is dangerous to meet people online, though I have done it a couple times. I’d always talk to them on the phone first to reduce the danger scale. Though, I do know that even if I talk to them on the phone, it still can be dangerous. I told Juliana about my dog’s death, and she felt sad.

I even told Eileen yesterday, that bitch. Though she’s my next-door-neighbor, we talk like we’re friends, but she ALWAYS talks about me behind my back, expecting I’m not going to find out.

Yesterday Jason called when my mother was very anxious and all trying to breathe because by then so many people have called for me. So she was really mean to him. He embarrassed me today by talking about it in the cafeteria in front of everyone. My mother is such a bitch. She has to embarrass me. Though that doesn’t mean much, she can’t control herself.

There are a couple of weeks left until I get my period. Thank gosh they only last 5 or 6 days now. Last year they lasted longer.

October 27, 1999

Ya know what I was just thinking about? Having kids. Although I might deny that I want any kids or even to get married, I do when I am done fulfilling my other goals so my life can always start with my family so they can be my most important thing,.

The reason I am keeping a diary is because in reading class we have to read a book of our choice. Mrs. Alastair, who I get along great with, recommended Go Ask Alice. This is a book in diary format of a druggy. I don’t know why she recommended that! I took drugs twice. Once out of a bong and once I have three shotguns from Dale and Judy.

Age 14

I learned a lot at age fourteen. I was very emotional, drifting quickly from interest in one boy to the next. When I felt I was going to get hurt, I would jump to an interest in another boy. I experienced my first big heartbreak when I was fourteen. This is when I learned that, even when you feel someone is your world, with time, you can move on from loving that person. I would lose one boy after another, and I would just jump into another’s arms in order to not feel the pain of loss.

I also learned what it was like to get drunk and smoked more weed at this age. I wasn’t very impressed with either. This was the first time in my life that I started real self-reflection. I was learning that I had a major impact on how others felt. I even started to care enough to change my behavior for their benefit and keep my feelings inside so they could express theirs. I started working on being a good friend.

My entry on July 27 is interesting, because I noticed that the pain Marcus had caused me was exactly what I was doing to other people. It hit me so much that it actually affected my behavior going forward at times—not always of course.

As I read what I wrote in my journals at this age, I can see why I have a hard time believing anything until I see it. I do remember my mom giving me promises just to get my hopes up so she could see me happy. She didn’t want to worry about me. Nor did she intend to follow through with her promises. And she didn’t care if she was stealing someone else’s thunder, so if someone else had a surprise for me, so would run and tell me. Even today, years later, I find it difficult to change my pessimistic attitude and the behavior that results from it, and I can trace the difficulty directly to the way my mother acted. As I noted on November 3, 2000, Cody, a friend of Seth’s, said something about me that still applies today. He said I have a very hard shell, but it will burn me in the end.

Age fourteen was an extremely emotional period of time. People at school were still very cruel to me. In history class, students behind me would throw spitballs in my hair at least once a week. After reading some of what I wrote during this period, I realize that it’s amazing how much stuff you naturally push completely out of your memory. No one would have known the thoughts that were going through my mind. I appeared to be an extremely innocent little blond. I used my journal to bleed all the emotions that I felt I had to hide, and at the beginning, my journal was simply a storage place for all the emotions that burned inside of me.

November 26, 1999

There’s still a sense of rage in me—The need to smack a glass mug against the wall, or scratch someone’s face off with my nails, slowly.

November 27, 1999

About 15 minutes ago my friends Jonah and Casey left.

Okay, today started out interesting. I went to blockbuster to rent 54 and Urban Legend—which I have yet to see. Mom then went out to go have dinner with her father and a bunch of other Jehovah Witnesses. I was invited to go again but I dislike their conversation topics. All they do is judge and gossip with enormous amounts of complaining. In other words, a bunch of my mothers! The reason why I can’t stand talking to that woman is in those people. There is the constant negative attitude, complaining, prejudging, and looking forward to the theory (but fact to them) of everlasting life—where everything and everyone is perfect—what could you be grateful for? There can be no happiness. Everyone wants more than what they have. If you just ask and always get without earning it, then it’s worthless. If you win a fastest swimmer gold medal for sitting on your ass and asking for it, the metal will mean shit to you.

As mom was driving, she calls me up and tells me all my friends are over Miya’s. They didn’t even try to invite me.

Jillian calls me to meet her at Dacelle’s. Seth drove me since he was going to work. At Brooks, I bought black eyeliner, and brown lipstick which I put on after Jonah and Casey left. I love it. We called Jonah from a pay phone and asked to meet us at my house. Jonah and Jillian flirted—then he saw us with our shirts off licking whipped cream off each other. Though he’s always hugging Jillian—and he always goes to her. He never comes to me—I go to him. At Decelle’s, we were looking for clothes Jillian wouldn’t normally wear since she’s running away to Boston—living in her friend’s car. But Jonah says she should just go to Juvenile Hall to get it over with.

December 19, 1999

Friday I went off the bus with Naomi to sleep over. We stayed up ’till 5:00am dressing me up in her mother’s old clothes. I put this white dress on that looked absolutely amazing on me. Naomi said it looked great. She told me her cousin named Missy (my nickname) wore that dress to a modeling interview she was immediately accepted for. She’s dead now. She died in her teens, but she would have continued being a great model. I became very interested in her. The first time I heard about her was when Mr. Keaton died, and Naomi was reminded of that. Mr. Keaton was our principle who died of cancer. I then started trying on Raquel’s (Naomi’s eight year old—very skinny sister) clothes. Naomi gave me a cute one I will wear tomorrow at school, plus one of her own baggy white ones I’m wearing right now.

Naomi showed me a Howard Stern Private Parts book that explain a girl being dressed up by another girl like a Barbie doll then making out. When Naomi was dressing me up she said, You’ve been my little Barbie doll. So it spooked me out when I was reading it because it felt like she was trying to tell me something. But I bet doing that just reminded her of that story. She didn’t mean anything by it. Plus I would never touch Naomi, she’s unattractive to me. I kinda think me being bi was just a phase. Raquel told Naomi’s mother’s boyfriend, about all the stuff me and Naomi and Casey were saying in the bed that night. Including when Casey said Malone was a little excited. Raquel was up the whole time! It embarrassed Naomi hehe.

December 26, 1999

I just found this journal in my father’s computer desk in my mother’s room. It was there because the website address of the KoRn site is at the back. Someone could have read it.

Cody was here twice today. He told my mother he was getting married. He told me last month. He said they’ve been engaged for a month and getting married May 20th. This is Cody’s 2nd time being engaged. I think Seth thinks it’s to keep the relationship going. Maybe he just wants to have sex with her since she’s Christian and very religious. But he said he truly believes he’s getting married of course with that smirk on his face. We’re on the invitation list. Seth probably gunna be best man. I was telling mom I’d believe it when I see it. She said, Do you want him to wait for you? I laughed and said no. There was a time when I had a crush on him, but he’s like my brother. I realized that’s the way I love him. It would be awkward to have sex with him. He looks at me like a sister. He helps raise me in a way.

When I called back Naomi, Raquel answered and said she doesn’t feel well. I heard Naomi say she doesn’t feel like talking to anyone at the moment. Or right now—something like that.

So I called Heather for the 4th time today. I finally got an answer. I was talking to her for about 4-6 minutes. She had to go because her phone was dying or her step-father was home or something. We talked about John Davis on the KoRn CD, Christmas, and she took my phone number down finally. I tried to call Phillip again—no answer. But it was worth talking to Heather. She’s a cool shit.

Oh, today Ted was talking about locking the garage. I casually swore in a replying sentence. Then Dad looked at me in an upset, powerful, disappointed, reminding, scary way, I got a little nervous with flashbacks. It was the way he looked at me when I was little before he’d hit me. If I still let him use power to control me like I used to, he probably would have hit me. So my pulse started racing, and my eyes enlarged. I hid behind the pillow because the look was glued to my face. I casually (I think) walked upstairs to call Naomi. I briefly told her.

Heather gets hit, that’s why I want to get to know her more. I’ve always thought she was like me. I never get scared. If I’m afraid of something, it’s probably hell. I’m not afraid of spiders

(Naomi just called me crying because her cat, ran out of the house when her sister left the door open. She heard cries of pain and she knows there’s wild life out there. I was talking very calm and caring to her because she very much needs it. I know how much she loves that cat. Raquel, her sister, is probably feeling really guilty and very worried right now. I remember hurting my brother then pretending not to care when I felt terribly awful. I really hope the cat comes back. We took pics when I was over there. Naomi can’t deal with her anger very well—she does stuff like self-mutilation when she gets pissed. Then she will spit and throw up blood—she can’t stay calm like I can. For her sake, I hope she learns how.)

And I’m definitely not afraid of death. Death I think is just moving away and not seeing the same people or spirits. Who knows what’s out there. I’m glad I’ll probably find out soon. Whatever it is, I hope it’s good. But for some reason, I’m scared of my father still. I even admitted that to mom, don’t know if I will tell Seth.

January 1, 2000

It’s the first day of the so-called millennium. (It starts on 2001 ’cause the years started at year 1 not 0.) But anyways, 2000 is here! I can’t tell anyone (not including Seth) even Naomi what really happened on New Year’s Eve night before I talk directly to Heather about it. But it’s kind of getting me sick keeping it in. And if I tell Seth I think it will make it worse. Heather was too drunk and high to remember. Though I was very drunk and high, with a headache this morning, I still remember. I’m not talking to Heather about it till I get more comfortable with her and spend a few regular sleepovers with her so she doesn’t think what happened that night I’d expect every sleepover we have alone Right now every girl I see moderately naked I get sick looking at. Heather—I have to admit I have a bit of a crush on—I even admitted that to Casey.

Heather did a tarot reading to me today with my cards. She said it explained that I need to open up to people cause someone I care about might go away soon. I told her I can’t trust people for a little bit. She said it bugs her, or makes her curious. I think she wants to understand me as much as I want to understand her. I think if anyone would, it would be her. I showed Naomi a song I wrote called, Image today. I asked if it was bad, she said no. I asked if it was good at all, she said yes. I asked if she got it/understood it, she said not really/kinda. I am kinda afraid of what Heather would say to those songs. We both understand KoRn lyrics and they mean a lot to us. John Davis words really inspired me through writing those. Well T2YL.

March 24, 2000

Hey, yesterday (Thursday,) was a half a day. I walked for miles with Heather ALL the way to her house. That’s one long-ass distance. I did that just so she wouldn’t have to walk alone. We got in trouble for trespassing and a lady said she was gunna call the cops on us. We ran to her house and smoked up. Boring as hell. We just sat there. Weed is NO fun anymore. That was the last time I smoke weed. Unless it involved bear and someone hot. She was grounded, so she had to get me out of there when her parents were coming home. I called a lot of people no one would pick me up. So Casey rode his bike down. We went to Marvin’s house that was kind of down the street from Heather. His grand-parents dropped us off at Casey’s. Then they walked me home.

And TODAY!!! Oliver told me to go to the dance. I was a little nervous what he would think of me at a dance knowing the people I hang out with. Then before I went I got really nervous. When I arrived, I couldn’t find anyone I knew. I was stuck talking to the 7th grade geeks. Then Oliver comes and hugs me from the back and asks me why I was over there. I said I was asking someone something. The rest of the night I had a blast!! Chaz, Adrian, and all the popular people were hanging out with me. Kasey, who hasn’t talked to me since 5th grade when she yelled at me, was acting all cool with me and stuff. Kaila, who hasn’t talked to me since 6th grade said Hi and was cool with me. All because of Oliver. I was grinding with him and all kind of dancing, even slow danced with him. No other girl there slow danced with him. (Bathroom break)

But he was getting all the girls. He knows he can get any girl in that place. Everyone is jealous of him. Even me. He said he thinks