Dressed up Garbage Can

By The Shy-Tiger

Take a journey with the Shy-Tiger as she walks down that road that so many of us do on a daily basis, or shall we say, a lifetime. What is that we see when we look at our reflection in the mirror of life? Usually it is not what anyone else might see and it sure is not what God see's. Walking through life, like a "Dressed up garbage can" can be any of us. Making sure that the outside is banging! Got everything just right from head to toe or as we say in the Chi, suited and booted! But the inside is full of everything that is eating away at the soul. Just decaying and only God himself will be able to show you yourself as He see's you. So come on,free yourself,and take this walk with the Tiger!

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: May 17, 2012
• ISBN: 9781467050470

Book preview

Prologue

Shy-Tiger

Shy-Tiger. She’s a walking contradiction. Many see but few know the realities that justify her existence. With persistence, literary genius conjured in her soul spilled into a work of art. Divinely inspired journey through life guided her through worldly pain and strife. Shy-Tiger. She’s not hard to find. Because now is her appointed place and time. Through time, exterior dress masked the interior shames and stress. No longer contradicting oneself as her reflection now reflects the woman God destined to be. Shy-Tiger. Not an endangered species, there’s more of her than meets the eyes. Residing in you and me is her. Shy-Tiger.

By Aquira K. Johnson

Chapter 1:

The little-bitty garbage can

Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it’s the Lord’s purpose that prevails. Proverbs 19:21

Collecting things and tucking them neatly away started for this chic at a very early age. I first started this trip around the tender age of about three years old. We stayed in Chicago where I was born, in this apartment on Sawyer St. I don’t remember a whole lot about that place, only a few things. My mother would chase me with this face cream all over her face. I would just be screaming and hollering! That was a lot of fun. What sticks with me most about that place was the son of a close friend of the family. He would come over from time to time and it was not enjoyable. There was this bedroom in the front of the apartment and he would manage to call me in there for something. When I would get into the room, he would place his hands in my panties and touch me. Now at this age, I knew that I did not like that or him either, but just did not really understand or have a clue as to what to do or say, so I did nothing. To me, if I said something I was going to be in trouble. Nobody told me this nor do I remember him saying that he would do anything to me, I was just afraid. Anything else that went down in this place I could not tell you but I would learn later in life that this was not a place of peace for anyone of us that lived there. I was told that we moved to Zion because my mother did not want to continue to stay there for one reason or another.

Now that is a place where I have many memories. I truly liked that city! We lived on Carmel Blvd in this nice home. We had a lot of space in the house as well as outside. There were a lot of kids to play with and we had a host of relatives that were always close by. It was five children in my family, three girls and two boys. Out of the five of us, the younger siblings were my favorites. We were so silly and loved to laugh all the time. My oldest brother Miller was the bomb because the dude could make the best snacks! You name it, the brother could do it! He would make doughnuts out of biscuits, candy from sugar and butter, this dude could think of just about anything! My oldest sister, G-Nicety, was the bad ass! She was tall and mean and you just knew not to mess with her. She would handle her business and yours if she had to! OMG! We hated to be left at home with her. You better not even trip because you already knew it was going to be one good ass whipping if you got out of line!

Growing up in that house was as normal and we knew it to be. My daddy had a job working for the government and was gone a lot. However, when he was there, you knew it. My mother and father used to go at it from time to time and I did not like that much at all. I really hated to see him and my mother fight. Don’t get me wrong, my mother was definitely not a punk! All the screaming used to drive me nuts. I hated seeing my mother cry and be sad like that, but what could I do? I did what I knew, I stuffed it. My mother was called the girl who could not help herself, as she says they used to call her and was a very shapely woman. She had the biggest, prettiest legs and I wanted to have legs like that when I grew up! She made sure that things in her house were always clean and in its place. I used to think she was just a slave driver because she was always making us do all the things that needed to be done and she was just bossy!

I guess you can say that it was very safe back then. We could go outside, do anything and be just fine. Everybody in the neighborhood knew your family. You really could not get away with a whole lot outside because somebody was always looking. We attended a school that was just around the corner called, The Wood. My first experience with school was over the top! I remember standing there looking around at all those kids. Did I belong there? Would they like me? Why are they looking at me? Just a whole lot of stuff going through my little head. I went head first into feeling less than. I was always looking at what somebody had on and comparing it to what I was wearing. Just so you know my family was not slacking in the finances, to me anyway. We had nice things to wear all the time, but I always felt that somebody always had one up on me. For whatever reason, I just was not happy being me.

We had some neighbors that stayed on the corner from us and I just absolutely loved to go over to their house for many reasons. The main reason was they always had something sweet on the counter! I mean it was always something, not as if we didn’t have anything; I just wanted what they had. Their daughter Tray was to become one of my closest friends as a kid. She and I used to play a lot together. All of her family had the prettiest hair to me and I wanted hair just like that. Mine was just not good enough. She had her own room and I wanted that as well. Her mother was the kindest person to me. She was always asking us if we wanted something and I truly felt a warmness from her all the time and I liked that a lot. The things they would do as a family was just beyond me! I always wanted to do what their family did as a family. They were perfect; to me anyway. Did I mention that Tray had the finest brother in the world? Ooooooweeee! That brother was a cold piece of work! He was my brother’s best friend and I just like to look at him! We shared the same birthday so I felt we had this special connection, whatever that was! Then there were the neighbors directly across the street from us. Our mothers ran together. The baddest chics of the block! It was just a known fact that these two were not really the ones to play with! You just knew this. She had five kids and soon to have another and they were more like our family then our friends. We were always over there. We even called their grandfather, Granddaddy! We played with all the kids on the block, down the street and everywhere. I would always find something about them to compare how I thought I felt about myself.

From the time I was in kindergarten through the sixth grade, there was always the place where I measured my insides from others outside. Could not tell you where I got that from at all. I didn’t have a clue how to talk about anything I felt. In our house, that was just not something we did. We did not talk about much of anything. You just did what you were told. Sometimes you did not even have to be told what to do, you just knew. That behavior would continue to follow me for most of my life. That seemed to have become a family thing. Don’t say anything…What would people think?

Our family had many things going on that nobody talked about for one reason or another. Molestation seemed to be one of those things you had better not talk about! It was a lot of that going on in our family, but it was taboo. So many secrets! There was an older cousin that stayed close by that had the tendency to take me in the basement when I would go over there and do the same shit to me that the friend our family did. I really couldn’t understand why men had the need to do this and especially to me. I hated to be anywhere around this dude for real! Did I say anything to anybody? No, not me! I may have wanted to; but what would they think, or would they even believe this shit? I had no idea at the time that there were many females in the family who could relate to the same thing, if not worse. As usual, this was tucked inside this little garbage can of mine, never to see the light of day.

These were the years that I learned many things that were not necessarily good for me, but it was what I knew at the time. I learned how to be a people pleaser so people would like me; lying was natural, not wanting to tell the truth about things. I learned how to steal and the list can go on and on. The one thing I learned to do well was pretend. Man I could put a mask on at a drop of a dime! I could be feeling like total shit but if you asked me anything about anything, I knew how to put on a smile and act as if. Who taught me that? I guess some things you just learn from the environment that you’re in; taking a little bit from here and there. I had many people around me growing up. I would take a little of them, good and bad, to add to myself.

Elementary school was my time to get together my little-bitty arsenal of things that I would become real good at using. By the time that I made it to the 7th grade, I was good at hiding shit. My little garbage can had started filling up just fine. Boys came into the game around this time for me. There was always a boy that I thought was cute and maybe even had a crush on from time to time. I didn’t see anything wrong with a little bump and grind! LMAO! I was really attracted to the boys with nice hair and a beautiful smile. I would sit and imagine that we would get married and have the prettiest kids. Our kids would have the best hair! Who told me mine was so bad? Well now, my mother did say when I was 6 months old my hair was so nappy that she had to press it! That was just so wrong! She knew I had good silky black hair! NOT! I even wanted to marry Carlito, my Puerto Rican Papi, because I knew that we would have pretty kids with pretty hair. What was my thing about pretty hair? Most of my girlfriends by this time had also started maturing physically and left me way behind! Now you know that was a big ass problem! I was so not happy with that one bit! Why was this happening? I even thought that if I had some titties or something that the boys would really like me. Really? I would even go home and put tissue in my bra to see how I would feel if I had some! It didn’t really change anything. I would be so hot at the girls that had anything that I did not have and felt that I needed to make me feel better about myself.

We always had something going on at our house on the weekends and my mother was quite the host. Most of our cousins would always be there with the rest of the party hounds. I tell you, we would have a blast! I did like it when we had these little parties because that’s when we could get away with a lot of shit! Most of the adults were busy playing cards and getting blazed so they paid us no attention. I loved every minute of it! Learning how to sneak alcohol was easy because the adults were always asking us to get them a drink. They appeared to be having so much fun! Being grown would allow me the opportunity to do just that and I could not wait until I was. My sister G-Nicety was the chic to know because she would let you sneak a drink and wouldn’t say a word! That was my chic! She was mean as hell, but I knew that she had my back!

The summer of 8th grade, my parents decided to get a divorce. That was okay I guess. You didn’t talk about those kinds of things with your kids back then, at least we didn’t. It was just a fact of life. I just remember my daddy was gone one day. My mother seemed to be taking it well, but I didn’t know what to do with the feelings I had other than to stuff them. I was mad at my mother about it though. I knew they fought a lot and I did not want that for her, but I did want my daddy to be around and I was mad at her and not him. Don’t ask me why; I just was. God forbid that she ever got a boyfriend! You know that he was going to have a problem on his hands with me! My daddy did come to my graduation and all I remember is that he was the sharpest stud up in there! I had never seen him that sharp, ever! When he got there, I was the happiest girl in the school! That was until I remembered that I had just about the ugliest dress on in the city! My mother thought that it was nice, but I hated it! I can still see that dress like it is hanging up in my closet today! It was a light-blue maxi dress with no sleeves, trimmed with lace around the neck and side area. Eww! To top it off, I had on navy blue tights with white opened-toed sandals with a wedge heel! Who dresses their little girl like that? OMG! That’s probably why I cannot stand blue anything and absolutely hate lace! I do get down with open-toe sandals though! Anywho, we moved that summer to Waukegan which was about 20 minutes away. I was not too thrilled about that because it meant that I would have to meet new people. I was not up to that. Besides, I had a whole lot of cousins that stayed in the town so if I didn’t make friends it really didn’t matter.

Chapter 2:

New town, new garbage

The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me; your love, O Lord endures forever-do not abandon the works of your hands. Psalm 138:8

This move was going to bring about new things for me. Some of which were truly cool and some that were not. We moved on a street named Preston. I met some cool people on the block and as you probably have already figured, there were a whole lot of people that I thought had something I did not. I bet you I was not going to let them know this about me though because I had gotten very good at hiding shit and acting as if. I eventually had to be signed up for my new high school and that was interesting. There were a lot of cousins at the school which made it all right!

Back on the block, there was a family that had some fine ass boys in it! You know they had some beautiful hair! I actually started to like one brother who had the most gorgeous set of bowlegs to me! Then I saw the other brother! It was on and popping! He was a chocolate chip to me! I would sneak out and go over to their house. He would sneak me upstairs and we would go at it like rabbits. It was not all that I had hoped it would be. It hurt like hell, but I kept going right on back down there for as long as he wanted me to. I mean who would not be jealous if they knew that this boy liked me and that we were sleeping together. I so did not have a clue! After that episode, I must have smelled myself, as the old folks would say, because I just got out of control. I thought I had arrived now that I was having sex. Arrived where? I could not have told you, but I was there. We did not stay in the town long before my mother moved us to North Chicago. Damn, here we go again!

I started my period that year and that was the most embarrassing thing in the world to me! I mean really! One day at school in the weight room, I was getting down on an exercise bike! Then my foot slipped and I hurt that part of me that you just don’t get over quick! I was done! I just played it off and kept it moving the best I could. Later on that evening at the house, I just could not stop this bleeding. I figured I had better tell somebody before I bled to death! Clueless! I ended up telling G-Nicety and she just about lost it! I didn’t see shit funny about that at all! She was laughing more at ‘how’ I was trying to stop the bleeding by getting some bandages! Yeah, I did that! After she just about laughed her head off, she explained to me what was going on. That was pitiful that I was not even up on that. Just goes to show the lack of communication in our home.

Then there was a camp thing that went on in the summer called, Camp Beware. That was one of the best things happening in the summer to me and I got a chance to go. We did all kinds of stuff for this week and I had a ball! All the kids in the town went. We would go swimming everyday and ate well I might add. This is where I would meet my baby daddy as we say on the block! Camp only lasted a week, but it was the best week ever! We would have this huge picnic/party on the last day and everyone looked forward to it. One day we were at the pool and I was having a good time. I then spotted a pair of sexy ass legs in the water! I just had to see the body attached to it! Then I met my baby daddy! Ceddi! I knew this man would later father all of my babies! What a body this brother had! I just had to get to know him and I really did not have a whole lot of time to do it, so I had to get to work. He barely noticed me for real, but that didn’t stop me from trying. On the last day when it was time for the party, I was able to get the brother to dance with me. It’s difficult to ignore the person that you are dancing with, so you know I put it on him! I had on these black satin boxer shorts with the white stripes down the side and a black and white striped tube top! WHAT! There was not much holding that tube top up, but baby you couldn’t tell me shit! We were getting it in on the dance floor! Then it was time to go! Aw man! What was I going to do now? You know there is always somebody who knows everything or at least can get the information for you. Everyone else knew this brother. They knew what sport he played and where he went to school. I was all over it! We eventually hooked up.

By my sophomore year in high school, I was off the chain! Things were really jumping I thought. I was smoking, drinking, and doing whatever I wanted to do. I had got what they call, ‘buck wild!’ My mother was working hard to take care of us and I was not trying to stay in the house at all. I wanted to hang loose but she wanted me to watch my younger brother and sister and I was not having that! A few of my cousins along with some of the chics we ran with had started this clique called the Alkas. We should have been called the Alcoholics because we were a mess! It was what it was! We used to do all kinds of crazy shit! We fought for no other reason but to show out!

I got very cocky around this time and you really could not tell me anything. I learned early on that when you get drunk, you ‘thought’ you could do just about anything. My mother at this time, probably thought that I was losing what mind I had left. She would tell me not to leave the house or something and I would do just the opposite. It did not matter to me if I was going to be in trouble or not. I was hell bent on doing me, which brought many consequences. I wanted to go to the south side of the town every chance I got because it was a lot of stuff going on there. Not to mention the young man that I was head over heels with was the jock at the school he attended. He played football and was damned good at it! I had all his certificates on my wall and was proud of it too. My head got very big around this time. I started sneaking out the house so that I could be with Ceddi. I just had to. That pissed my mother off because I was always doing just the opposite of what she wanted. It did not matter to me that she was mad about anything that I did.

Well needless to say, I got pregnant that year and the shit hit the fan for real! I was going to experience some things that would change my life forever. A few of the girls I went to school with knew that I was pregnant because of course I had told them. I hadn’t shared this news with my mother yet. I really didn’t know what she would say but I knew that she was not going to be happy. One particular morning I was getting ready to go to school and my girls Tonisha and Lita were at the door. My mother was in her room and yelled to me that she had it. I heard her tell them that I was not going to school that day. I was like, What the hell is that about? In the back of my mind though, I knew that somebody had to have told her that I was pregnant. I looked out the window as my girls walked away, then my mother called me into her room and told me to sit down.

It was very clear to me at this time that she was on to me. The drama began to unfold from that point. That was