Damaged, But Never Broken

By Edah Cherub

This autobiography is about growing up with the struggle to keep secrets about sexual violations, overcoming suicide, and surviving the damage it has done mentally, emotionally, and physically. I really want my story out into the world. It's main purpose is for awareness. It is the true story of my life and how I grew up and what has molded me into the strong person I am today.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Edah Cherub
• Release date: Jan 10, 2018
• ISBN: 9781386714521

Book preview

Damaged, But Never Broken

by

Edah Cherub

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Inspirations

To the two people I've only ever been in love with:

To my son and my daughter:  I've never loved anyone in my life as much as I love you.  I don't just love you to the moon and back. I love you all the way around the universe!  I feel so blessed to have given birth to the two most amazing kids.  I've loved every second watching you grow up. My life would never be complete without you.

To my long time friend, Amy: Thank you so much for your devoted friendship and for always being supportive. Thank for always being there for me when I need someone to talk to and a shoulder to cry on. Thank you for being in my life. I believe God puts people in our lives for a reason and I thank God for having you in my life. You are truly my friend forever.

To my very best friend in all of California, Billy, of whom I miss very, very much:

You taught me, You don't have to, you get to! I keep this phrase in the back of my mind a lot, especially when I feel like complaining about something trivial. I miss going for walks on the beach with you and watching the dolphins jumping around in the ocean. Every time I hear the song, Once in a lifetime by the Talking Heads, I think of you. I'll never forget you! I hope that one day, I'll get to see you again.

I saw this quoted by someone and liked it:

The problem with falling in love with angels is that they always fly away.

And, most importantly, I dedicate this book, and my life, to God. For without Him, I would not be here or be the person who I am today.  I love you, God! Thank you for always listening and answering my prayers and for always taking care of me. I am never alone because you are always with me.

Hebrews 13:5: ...God has said, Never will I leave you. Never will I forsake you."

Prologue

This is the true story of my life.  I really hope to inspire you by the events that occurred in my life growing up in Wisconsin and how everything that has happened molded me into the strong person I am today. I really hope to inspire anyone who has gone through similar situations as you are not alone.

I've been a single mother for about 20 years.  I am so very proud of myself for being able to raise two kids on my own with no help from family or friends, or anyone. I never got a chance to really find out what I like to do, as I fully dedicated my life to raising my kids.  Now that they are older and have moved out, I have recently made a bucket list of things I had never experienced before or that I've never tried before, and so far, I've gotten to cross a lot off my list and have been enjoying and discovering life for the very first time.

I don't drink alcohol and have never done drugs in my life, never even had a prescription for anything before either. When I did taste an alcoholic beverage, it felt like I was growing hair on my tongue. I really never understood the point.  I've never thought of myself as a typical girl. I don't wear makeup or jewelry often, hardly at all.  I've never carried a purse, and still don't carry one.  I really don't like girly stuff all that much, in fact, some of it kind of irritates me and makes me feel weird, like I'm not myself. I don't like wearing dresses often, or getting my nails done. I've never had my heart set on finding the one.   

Although, it's not often, I do like to go to sporting events and concerts. So, of course, I love the Green Bay Packers!  Watching movies is my temporary little escape from reality. I love watching movies! Scary movies, fairy tales, sports movies, Christian movies, and superhero movies are my favorite. I love thunderstorms and listening to the big claps of thunder and the pounding of the raindrops when there is a big storm. I have never read a book from cover to cover in my life, except the Bible. Although, I do think I have quite an extensive vocabulary. 

When I was about 2 years old, my mom and dad divorced.  I lived with my mom and my brothers, Philip and Paul. Phil is the oldest of us three.  He is about 9 years older than me. My brother, Paul, is about 7 years older than me. I am the baby of the family. We lived in a big, blue, beautiful, four bedroom house on 13th Avenue.  My mom and I each had our own bedrooms downstairs and my brothers each had their own bedrooms upstairs.

The neighborhood was full of kids of all different ages to play with up and down our block.  I'm not sure where my father lived at the time as none of us were ever really close with him, more like estranged.  All three of us grew up attending St. Paul Lutheran school from kindergarten to eighth grade because that was our grandmother's wish and because she paid our tuition every year since it was very expensive, to say the least.

I never really knew my grandparents or my aunts or uncles on my mom's side very well growing up, since we did not visit with them very often because they lived in other cities. Of course, we would visit them occasionally, but only a few times a year during holidays. I never knew any relatives on my dad's side, since he was adopted and his parents that adopted him past away before I was born.

When I was younger, I would take negative things that people said to or about me to heart. I never verbally complained about it, but it sometimes affected me to the point where I almost took my own life. But now, I am a strong, independent, stubborn, phenomenon of a woman who won't put up with bullshit from anyone. Your opinion of me will not change who I am and I will never want to be like everyone else.

What I am about tell you, what you are about to discover, are the most difficult, traumatizing incidents I have ever had to face growing up.  The whole purpose of me writing this book is to inspire people who have gone through similar traumas. I know that many have gone through a whole hell of a lot worse, but it doesn't make my life experiences any less important. My heart goes out to you.  Some of the things I've experienced are not for the faint at heart. This is purely for awareness. I don't want any kind of pity whatsoever, as well as any judgment you may have, as you are not my judge. I grew from all of this.  Although, I am still a bit naive about some things, I now realize my experiences were not normal.

This book is mainly about my life as seen from a great distance from the deep, dark corners of my mind that I have locked up and hidden away, until now.... 

Chapter One

Stolen Innocence

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It was Friday in the Fall of 1979, when I was 5 years old. I couldn’t wait to get home from school.  All I could think about was raking up a big huge pile of leaves and jumping in it.  As the bus was slowing down to drop me off, I got up and started slowly going towards the door.  We stopped and the doors opened.  I ran all the way home, got my key out, unlocked the door, took my book bag and jacket off, and ran to the bathroom.  Boy, I had to go pretty bad.  I noticed my brothers were already home.  My mom was at work. My kindergarten bus was a little late today.  My oldest brother, Phil, had a friend over.  He said his name was ‘Joe Cool’ (I never knew what his real name was until I was much older.) He had dirty blonde, curly hair, and light blue eyes.

As soon as Joe met me, he couldn’t take his eyes off me.  He said I was a very pretty girl. Phil called for Joe to hang out upstairs in his room, but Joe wanted me to hang out with them. (Actually, he just wanted to hang out with just me.) Joe wore him down and Phil finally agreed to let me in as long as I was quiet, although, I would much rather go outside and play.  The two of them were sitting by each other drooling over nudey magazines and deciding which hard rock music group from their cassette tape collection they wanted to listen to next.  As they were smoking their cigarettes, that they shouldn’t be smoking, and blaring the music as if to deafen the outside world along with everyone in the house, I just sat quietly in the corner feeling very uncomfortable and really rather wanting to go make a big pile of leaves. My brother, Paul, had left to go hang out with his friends at their house.

I slowly got up and moved toward the door to escape the