When Feelings Lie: When Feelings Lie, #1

By Shelley Gold

Sisters Corinne and Zara Grayson live simple lives in Montana, but the serenity they've enjoyed is soon thrown into chaos when their father chooses his career over fatherhood and dashes their hopes and dreams in an instant.

Corinne, the ever-conscientious student, struggles to focus on her studies while she fights to remain in her older sister's care.

Zara must forgo her dream of winning a Grand Slam tournament and find part-time work, hopeful she can keep Child Protective Services at bay.

Follow the story of these beloved sisters as they are forced to juggle the difficulties of life on their own, while navigating very real teenage issues, and ultimately, discovering what it means to love unconditionally, live in their truths, and not let setbacks and obstacles cloud their judgment.

When faced with the best option to secure their futures, will these sisters make the ultimate sacrifice for the greater good?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Shelley Gold
• Release date: Oct 15, 2019
• ISBN: 9781393997702

Book preview

Chapter 1

2017

Corinne

I’m a fool...a big , big fool. Why did I do that? And who was he? I must be insane. Everything I was, everything I thought, everything I wanted, I’ve ruined. It’s over. From now on, I’m a big, big loser. I’ve screwed up my entire life. My life wasn’t a big deal anyway, but it was settled. I knew what I would do tomorrow, what I would do in a month, what my future would look like. Now I know nothing. I don’t know anything anymore.

I look at the walls of my dorm room. The same funny posters against smoking and a few portraits with the faces of some sexy actors hang on them. They are not mine; they are my shy yet funny roommate’s. There is a big timetable, also hers, with all her medical classes. She’s in the third year, same as Gideon. Gid, the one who made me believe that life can be beautiful, that love can exist for me as well. Shit. Like I don’t know that all the people who love me leave, in one way or another. They leave. Bam! They disappear. I never see them again. Love lasts for a short period of time. One day, one week, one year. Eight years for my mother, while my father resisted for twelve. Damn, why am I accusing my mother? She didn’t want to get sick and die. However, my father did. My father wanted to leave, so he did.

Why the hell am I thinking about my father? It’s been six years since he got in touch with us, and when he left, he never looked back. However, my father loved me. More than he loved Zara. I don’t know why. But I never cared about it when I was a child. Afterward, I started questioning, but I no longer want the answers. Zara hates him with all her heart. I didn’t understand it then, and I don’t understand it now. It’s been six years since he left us, and neither of us has talked about him. Because he no longer exists. I don’t want him to exist. If he didn’t love us, why would we miss him?

I’m crying like a fool. I don’t know what to do next. Should I stay in school, or should I go home and stay alone in that big, empty house? What will I do there? How long can I stay there without any money? I need to do something with my life, but what? Fuck, fuck everything! Oh, I’m cursing so much lately; if Mrs. Smith heard me, she would say fourteen prayers and spray me with holy water. She would cleanse my dirty mouth—Easton would say.

East...I start crying harder. Why am I thinking about him? God, a bunch of curses don’t mean anything compared to what I did. Don’t lie, don’t kill, don’t...don’t... What are the Ten Commandments? They’re actually restrictions. Don’t do this, don’t do that. But what am I allowed to do? I am not even allowed to live my life. Fuck, no one stops me from doing anything. I don’t know what to do with my life. I’m the author of this disaster, and I don’t know how to get out of it. Who should I speak to? Of course, that I know. But it’s easier to lay in bed and pity myself.

Feel, Corinne, feel. Life is made of feelings, of emotions. Feel the color. Leave yourself into feelings. The feelings mean life. Not your beliefs, not your bank account, not the house walls. The feelings, those matter in life. The color, nature, and, sometimes, the people. Leave yourself into feelings. Fuck, I remember my father’s words like it was yesterday. Feelings? Live the color? Why am I thinking again about that son of a bitch who abandoned us?

I get up to look for a wipe. A new one. The one in my hand is already wet and dirty. My face is full of tears; my nose is running. I look like hell and feel like hell. The door suddenly opens, and a loud laugh breaks against my ears and my tired mind.

Hello. What are you doing? Where have you been all night? Julia’s voice suddenly stops, her eyes get bigger, and she comes over to me, her short hands hugging me tightly. Sit down, sit down, she tells me and gently pushes me towards the bed I’ve just left. I’m trying to get up, but she doesn’t let me. Now, I’m ashamed of my face—full of tears and boogers. What’s wrong? What happened?

I want to wipe my nose. Excuse me for the way I look, I say, hiding my face.

Yeah, sure, I don’t mind some boogers. Sit down.

Boogers? That’s disgusting. How can you say that?

You know what, crybaby? I see worse things in hospitals. And, anyway, these are my little friend’s boogers. I like them the same way I like you.

It’s clear. I’m going insane. Who else makes a love statement for boogers? I live in a parallel universe. Actually, I don’t even want to think about boogers.

Last night, I saw something for the first time in my life: a man’s sperm. On my stomach. I don’t know what to say about this. I’m more disgusted by my face than what happened a few hours ago. Maybe because it was dark. Maybe because I didn’t think a lot. Maybe because I just wanted to see how it is. Or, maybe, because I wanted to finally get rid of my virginity. I’m staring blankly, but I hear Julia’s voice again.

Take this and clean your face. What happened? What have you seen that destroyed you this way? If Gideon was in town, I’d think that he’s the bastard who’s upset you. But I don’t think that’s possible, considering how nice he treats you.

Gideon is in town. He said he would leave, but he didn’t. But... And I start crying again. I don’t want to talk anymore, I say slowly between tears.

Okay, don’t talk. But let’s take a shower, Cor. You can get upset with me, but you smell bad. Blow your nose, take the towel, and let’s go. At this hour, no one will bother us, and I can touch you as much as I want.

I start laughing. I’m crazy. My tears are falling, but I’m laughing. I can only imagine Julia hugging me in the shower. I’m insane. Within only a few hours, I had sex with a man, and now I’m already thinking of how a woman touches me. What the hell is wrong with my mind?

Stop thinking and come on! I also want to take a shower, and I have classes in four hours. I can skip the sleep if you want to talk, but I can’t skip the classes. I think I’ll have a meeting with a corpse, and I want to find out if they have a boner when they are cold and concrete. I think I’ll ask the teacher. Maybe I’ll become a necrophile, and then I’ll stop hitting on you. You are too young, and unfortunately, you don’t even have a penis. And my dear, from time to time, I also need one.

Her mouth doesn’t stop talking. However, she knows what she’s doing. She distracts me and slowly lifts me out of bed. I don’t know what I have to do next, but she opens the closet, takes a big towel, and gently pushes me into the hallway. The showers are shared, but I don’t mind. Nothing bothers me anymore. Nothing can destroy me the way I’ve destroyed myself. I’m messed up.

Zara

I tie my hair at the top of my head, making a ponytail and then a braid. I grab some hair clips from the one hundred that I have in the locker and catch everything in a bun. After that, I put the bonnet on. I shake out my immaculate white jacket and put it on.

There is no bigger shame for a chef than serving a plate with a fifteen-inch hair in it. Yuck, disgusting. And I’m proud of my professionalism. I went to cooking school in Paris, I’m the best, and I’m proud of it. Why wouldn’t I be proud of myself? It’s my work, my achievement. I worked for everything I’ve achieved. Nothing fell from the sky. Or no, actually, something fell: some money from the bastard who was fucking my mother. The only man I hate. The perfect man, the well-known artist, the wonderful and playful father. Bullshit. He was like this only when Mom was alive. After that, he transformed into a monster. He abandoned and hurt us. Me, just spiritually, but Corinne—also physically. Only if I’d had the balls that morning, I would’ve called the police. But I was scared, worried. I had prepared an eight-hour speech and waited for him to come. I waited through the afternoon, the evening, the second day, the third day... He never came again. But he sent his dreadful mother. He left us with open wounds and alone. Is this a father? A bastard. Yes, I used his money. I used it because I was tired of being used by others, and I needed to run. And I succeeded. Here I am, proud of me and...

Zara! Are you dressing for your wedding or for cooking? my boss, Jared, yelled at me.

He’s an asshole. However, he’s an adorable asshole. He’s so in love with his wife, it makes me want to puke. I’ve never seen such a beautiful couple. He’s twenty-eight, and she’s twenty-five. They met five years ago, but they didn’t have sex until two years after. Only a few months later, they got