Some of the Funniest Things Happen in the Most Unlikely and Unexpected Places

By Glenn W. Martin

This collection of stories was written for only one purpose-to make you laugh!

These stories are not aimed at your mind, but at your funny bone. They are not supposed to make you smarter or wiser, but might keep you from taking yourself and life too seriously. When enjoying these stories, you may venture into restaurants or churches, attend weddings or funerals, and spend some time in the Army. And you may meet people who did not intend to be funny, but did funny things.

These stories should put a smile on your face, and a chuckle in your voice. And if you laugh out loud, that would be okay, too. Laughter is not only good for your health, but it also does wonders for your spirit and your soul.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Mar 3, 2005
• ISBN: 9780595792986

Glenn W. Martin

Glenn W. Martin is originally from Sheboygan, Wisconsin. He has a journalism degree from the University of Wisconsin, and a graduate degree from Boston University. During his lifetime, he has been a musician, writer, teacher, and ordained minister. Now retired in Plymouth, Minnesota, he does freelance writing, speaking and teaching.

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Copyright © 2005 by Glenn W. Martin

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording,taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

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Contents

Purpose And Plan And Some Words Of Introduction

A Funny Thing Happened In A Restaurant

A Long-Handled Spoon

The Pretty Blonde Waitress With The Bright Blue Tie

Breakfast In Winnipeg

A Fly In My Soup

Something Is Fishy In Sheboygan

A Funny Thing Happened At A Meeting

He Who Has The Last Laugh

The Indian Talk

A Funny Thing Happened At Church

The Man Who Stayed After Church

Permission Is Given

A Real Bargain

A Funny Thing Happened At A Wedding

The Boisterous Bride And The Blushing Groom

The Second Time Around

‘Til Death Us Do Part

A Funny Thing Happened At A Band Gig

You Should Have Played A Flute

It Pays To Know How To Read

The Bumps And The Grinds

A Funny Thing Happened In The Army

Trying To Become A Man

Sometimes Enough Is Too Much

The Mystery Of The Sergeant’s Ham

The Day The Top Brass Got Poisoned

A Funny Thing Happened To A Family Member Or Friend

Meet Uncle Bob

A Sewing Machine For My Wife

An Offer Denied

A Funny Thing Happened In Some Other Places

Miss Mosher’s Proposition

The Promise I Made To Charlie

Funny Talk In Sheboygan

Funny Talk In Boston

Funny Talk In Maine

A Funny Thing Happened That Was Not So Funny

Be Careful! Your Curiosity Could Cost You Your Life!

The World Is Coming To An End

An Author’s P.S.

About the Author

I would like to dedicate this book to anyone and everyone who ever made me smile, snicker, chuckle, or laugh right out loud, especially my good friend, Ruben Haugen, whose stories and jokes have never been topped and are the funniest I have ever heard. Not only did God bless him with a lively sense of humor, but the ability to share it with others in the most delightful and appealing ways.

Acknowledgments

I have to take the credit or blame for all of the stories in this book, because I didn’t seek help from anyone in writing them.

But, I could not have put the book together and gotten it published without the necessary assistance of my daughter, Carol Hendricks. She designed the cover and put the book together, and she also helped me to worry and fret about it until it was finally published and in print. I have always been glad and grateful that Carol happened to be as creative and talented as she is. I also appreciate the moral support and advice she gives me when I let the stories carry me away and I make mistakes or find myself choosing the wrong words or phrases. Carol is not always funny, but she is always fun to be with. In our adulthood, we have become true partners.

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I should also thank the many people who told me their funny stories over the years, and particularly the ones who were involved in the funny stories and did the funny things that I tell about in this book. They are the ones who made these incidents and events fun.

Purpose And Plan

And Some Words Of

Introduction

I am writing this book with only one purpose in mind. It is intended and designed to make you LAUGH!

I want to make you laugh because laughter is good for our physical, emotional, and mental health. Some have gone so far as to say that laughter is necessary because it keeps us sane.

The writer, Norman Cousins, discovered this when he was told that he was dying of cancer. He wrote a book about it in which he said that he refused to die and he claims that he cured himself through the steady use of two things, laughter and drinking lots of orange juice.

I am not sure I believe that 100%, but I do know that I feel much better when I am smiling and laughing than I do when I am frowning and being grumpy and I like orange juice whether it does me any good or not.

So the 30 stories in this book, most of which are true and actually happened the way I report them, might not only amuse you, but could make you feel better and improve your health as well. I hope so.

When you read this book, don’t read it like you read other books—for instruction, information, inspiration or wisdom. Just enjoy it and read it just for FUN!

You don’t have to read the stories in the order I put them. Read the ones that interest you the most first, and then read the rest as you have time. You might try reading them one a day, maybe after you have had your orange juice and your breakfast. If you laugh a little early in the morning, it might make for a better and happier day.

A Funny Thing

Happened

In A

Restaurant…

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A Long-Handled Spoon

For three days mornings, afternoons, and into the night, we had beendiligently following our agenda and working at the tasks that had brought us to the retreat center. The only time we rested was at meal times, during coffee breaks, and when we went off to bed at night.

By the end of the third night, we were weary and hungry. It was late and the cooks had long since gone home, and the apples, oranges, bananas, cookies, and snacks we had brought were all used up.

Someone suggested that we deserved a treat and that we should all hop in our cars and go out to find a place where we could get a good hamburger and fries, or a pizza, or at least a piece of pie and a cup of coffee. Everyone agreed.

One of the members of our committee who lived in the area where the retreat center was located suggested a little restaurant just up the road a few miles. He said that it was a nice clean place and that they served excellent food. But he warned us that they closed early so we had better get going. He didn’t have to say any more. We quickly got in our cars and headed for that restaurant. When we got there, the first thing we noticed was that the parking lot was empty. We were to be the only late hour customers. When we got into the building, we noticed that the workers were cleaning up and putting things away. The clock showed 9:55 p.m.

The only waitress met us at the door and firmly informed us that the restaurant closed for business at 10:00 sharp! We tried to persuade her that it was not yet 10:00, that we were in dire need of refreshment, and that we didn’t plan to stay long.

She obviously was not impressed by our need and gave us a very unhappy and solemn look. We realized that we were not welcome guests at this time of night, but we were determined to come in and stay until we had eaten. We found a table and sat down, expecting to be served. There were about twelve of us.

By this time it was 10:00 and the waitress informed us that since we got in under the wire she had to serve us, but that no food was served at the restaurant after 10:00.

It is our policy, she said, NOBODY is served any food of any kind after we close.

We were not willing to give up, but nothing we said to try to get her to change her mind and bend the policy a bit would move her, not our charm, not our pleadings, not our attempts at bribes. She just stood there with a sour look on her face and her arms folded across her chest, hoping and expecting us to leave.

But we were equally persistent. We not only stayed but we kept trying to convince her that she should serve us something to eat.

We Were Not Going To Convince Her

One of our members spoke up and said as persuasively as he knew how, We can understand why you wouldn’t want to cook anything any more tonight, but wouldn’t you have…ah….like….ah…..a piece of pie, maybe?

The last piece of pie was sold at 9:00! the waitress quickly replied.

Someone else tried. Well….maybe you might have a donut or a sweet roll leftover from breakfast or maybe a cookie or two ?

She didn’t let him finish. She answered him in a cold and business like manner, The donuts and sweet rolls are always gone by noon. The cookies were all gone by 7:00!

Another person tried. You have ice cream, don’t you? he asked as kindly and humbly as he knew how.

Yes, we do have ice cream, she roughly replied, But we don’t serve that after 10:00 either. She stood there and glared.

It didn’t take us long to realize that we weren’t going to get anywhere with her and that she was not going to give an inch, so someone finally said, What can you serve us then? Is there anything you can serve us before we go? We promise not to stay long.

She gave a long sigh, scowled at us again, and said sternly, I could get yousome drinks soft drinks, that is but that is all I can serve you it is apolicy, you know…you should have come before 10:00.

We decided to quit while we were ahead and didn’t ask any more questions. We knew we were not going to win this one. We all nodded, knowing that we had been scolded, indicating to her that we were ready to settle for what we couldget. After all, it was a policy and it was now long after 10:00. We were ready tosettle for drinks.

She continued to stand there with her arms folded across her chest, her jaws clenched tightly, and now with a defiant look on her face, waiting for us to make up our minds if we were going to stay or leave. When she saw that we were going to be just as stubborn as she was and were not going to leave, she took a little pad out of her pocket, raised her pencil, licked it once, and started going around the table taking our orders.

We Place Our Orders

Most of the men ordered the usual things, like coffee or a soft drink. One man tried to get a malt and was quickly reminded that that was ice cream, which could not be served after 10:00. Two men asked for just a glass of water, which did not please the waitress at all.

Finally she came to me.

I would like a glass of iced tea, please, I said as politely as I could.

You would have thought I had committed a mortal sin. Her eyes opened wide, she looked at me in disbelief and said loudly and rudely, We do not serve iced tea here in the middle of winter!

But that is what I want, I insisted, not willing to give up easily. You could make it if you wanted to, couldn’t you?

She came back at me with fire in her eyes and a tone of finality in her voice, I told you, sir, we do not make or serve iced tea here at this time of the year!

I am sure that she thought that she had had the last word. But she was wrong, and she underestimated me and my own determination when I am challenged with such an important issue as getting a glass of my beloved iced tea, something I am almost addicted to. Nor did she know that I am a master at getting served iced tea in places that do not want to be bothered to make it.

Ordinarily, I would not have pursued the issue, but in light of what had gone before, I decided I was going to get my way and that this young woman needed to be taught a lesson in customer service. I was not going to let this waitress deprive me of something I sorely needed that night.

I wiggled my finger at her and called her over to me. I almost whispered in her ear as though we were sharing some deep dark secret, and said with my most kindly voice, Do you have a large tall glass?

She looked puzzled and surprised, but she did answer, Yes, we do have those, but

Well, bring me a large tall glass.

She wrote that down on her pad as I continued, And I am sure you have ice cubes? I asked.

Yes, of course, we have ice cubes! We always put ice in our drinks! she quickly and firmly replied.

Then bring me a bowl full of ice cubes, please.

But , she was ready to protest, but I wouldn’t let her. I just went on.

Don’t worry, I am willing to pay for whatever you bring

She wrote that down on her pad, too, then she stopped and waited, not knowing what strange request to expect next.

Now I am sure you could make me a pot of hot water couldn’t you..you know one of those little pots you use to make hot tea in?

She nodded, deciding that she had better give me what I was asking for. She must have realized she had met her match and that I was out to win. She wrote everything down very carefully, and then for some reason, probably because she was not sure I was serious, read the order back to me, something she had not done for anyone else. I had at least gained her respect.

You want one large tall glass, a bowl of ice cubes, and a pot of hot water..is there anything else?

Yes, of course, bring me two of your very best and freshest tea bags.

That seemed to be confusing to her and by this time I could see that she wanted to be very sure that she didn’t make any mistakes. She had one more question.

"Do you want me to put the tea bags in the pot for you or do you want to do that yourself?’

Now I knew she was listening. I had not only gotten her attention, but her active cooperation in my scheme.

I said, almost sweetly, That is wonderful you understandcompletely I will put the tea bags in myself, thank you…I want to be sure itis just the right strength. You see, I like my tea a little stronger than most people do. If I had my choice I would, of course, not use tea bags at all. I would let the water come to a boil, put some loose tea in it, and let it steep for just the right amount of time before I poured it.

I thought that would impress her. It did, but not in the way I had hoped it might. She rolled her eyes, shook her head, and left the table. I could see she was telling the cook in the kitchen about us and when she nodded, pointing her head toward me, I could see that the cook also had a questioning look on his face.

After a short time, the waitress returned with our orders and proved to be a most efficient, if not pleasant, server. All of the orders were correct. She put the drinks carefully before the right persons, and she didn’t spill a drop. But she did not smile. She obviously wanted to do her work and get out of there.

She kept my order for last. She stood there for a minute thinking, like she was afraid she might have missed something. She put the glass down in front of me, then the bowl of ice, and finally my pot of hot water, with two tea bags placed neatly on a separate dish. She also pushed a dish with sugar in it toward me, even though I had not asked for any. She didn’t want to take the chance that she had forgotten to do something.

As I started to make my tea, I noticed that she was lingering and I realized that she was now curious to see what I was going to do with the things she had brought. She should have known. It was so obvious. But since she was showing interest, I decided to put on a good show for her.

I called her over closer and said to her in my most dramatic voice, And now I will demonstrate for you how to make a perfect glass of iced tea.

The Demonstration

I kept talking to her as I made the iced tea, as though I were a teacher giving instructions to a pupil.

First, you take a glass a large, tall glass then you put the ice cubes init then you take the tea bags, put them in the pot of hot water and let themsteep steeping is very important let them steep until it is exactly thestrength you want I like mine rather strong, as I said before then you takethe hot tea and pour it in the tall glass over the ice and, viola a perfectglass of ice tea! Would you like to taste it?

She recoiled at my offer, as though I were offering her some poisonous potion, shook her head, and just stood there for a few minutes utterly amazed. I didn’t quite know what to say, if anything. I decided to be kind.

You see, you can make iced tea, any time of the year. It is easy if you put your mind to it.

The waitress was silent. She looked at me again, not knowing how to react. She didn’t know if I was being serious, ridiculing her, or putting her on. She turned and started to walk away, as I discovered that I had forgotten to ask her for one of the most important things.

I called her back. By this time she did everything humbly. She waited expectantly, ready to serve my every need. I said to her in a polite manner, I’m sorry, but I neglected to order a long-handled spoon to stir my sugar in.

She looked at me seriously, gave me what looked almost like a sweet and sincere smile, and said, I’m sorry, sir, but we only serve long-handled spoons with iced tea!

She Had Earned It

When we got up to go, I left her an unusually large tip. It was actually more than the cost of the tea itself. I noticed that I was the only person in our party who left one.

I put a dollar bill firmly under my empty tea glass. I wanted to be sure she would know where it came from. I didn’t have to do that and maybe I shouldn’t have. But after the trauma I had put her through, I felt that she deserved it and had earned it!

And who knows, the next time I come into her restaurant and ask for my glass of iced tea, I might not even have to show her how to make it!

The Pretty Blonde Waitress

With The Bright Blue Tie

The party was really fun! I was glad we had accepted the invitation to come.

It was held at a fine restaurant called the Bistro in the Marriott Hotel near the airport after the wedding rehearsal at the church. It was what used to be called The Groom’s Supper and it was a delightful affair. My wife, Margaret, and I were glad we got invited, given the small part that I had in the whole thing.

We could have sat anywhere we wanted to, but it was suggested that we sit where we did. The plan was to get the family members to mix and to get the non-family guests and members of the wedding party and their significant others scattered about.

I was seated to the left of my wife and across the table from the bride and the groom, which was an unexpected honor. My wife sat across the table from the groom’s mother and father and next to a man who was a friend of our choir director (who also just happened to be the mother of the bride). This man was a very funny guy and he kept my wife amused throughout the whole evening. We were off to a good start right from the very beginning.

Though I am an ordained clergyman and was scheduled to participate in the wedding the next day by reading two Bible passages, the only official act I was expected to