Scroone Delchmont's Kitchen Companion

By Scroone Delchmont

This is a book of unimaginable recipes – unless you’re Scroone Delchmont, that is. Humorous, insightful and hard to put down for the serious foodie, this is a book which will change the way you think of food and cooking. Delchmont’s anecdotal approach enriches the reader’s experience even as the reader gains knowledge of works in the kitchen he had no idea existed. Learn of the amazing origins of many of the recipes and their histories, known only to a select few prior to the release of this important, albeit entirely fictitious work of culinary satire.
Delchmont also brings in many other luminaries from the culinary universe, such as famed restaurateurs Rramos Chipotle, Snavinia Ploth and nutritionist Amie Phlut of Miss Hurd’s School For Flatulent Girls, all of whom have helped to fill this remarkable work with unforgettable recipes.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Scroone Delchmont
• Release date: Jun 30, 2018
• ISBN: 9781370027941

Scroone Delchmont

Independent American of New England stock. Grew up in the city and in the sticks. Love 'em both. Married, two children, four grandchildren. Navy submarine vet.

Book preview

SCROONE DELCHMONT’S

KITCHEN COMPANION

Politically Incorrect Recipes, Culinary Commentary and Reminiscences

Copyright 2004 J.S. Dover

Published by J. S. Dover at Smashwords

Table of Contents

PREFACE AND DISCLAIMER

INTRODUCTION

THE RECIPES:

APPLE GREEN HAZEL

ASIAN BUGS

KALE WELLINGTON

BRAISED SADDLE OF ROUZINI

FOIE GRAS STUFFED FRENCH TRUFFLE TOAST

POUTINES OF THE WORLD

BAREFOOT FRIED EGGS

BLOATED BEAVER

BLUBBER CONFIT IN LARD

WHEAT GERM AND TOFU PIE

BLUE OKRA GLUE

BRASATO di FUNGHI LOLA

BREADS A LA MODE

CHICKEN CHATEAU OVERHEAD

CHICAGO BAKED RABBIT

CRAB PHEENEY

DELCHMONT MASHED MUSHROOMS

FILET OF SWEET PEA FOAM

DONG

DUCHESS RUTABAGAS

DYNAMITED SEAGULL

ETHIOPIAN GLUTZSCHREMPF

FAT FOR ITS OWN SAKE

FIESTA BEANS

FLAKY WHITE FISH

FOOD WHICH IS BAD FOR YOU

GARLIC MOUSSE EN CROUTE

GNU GNUBERG

GRILLED GIZZARDS POUFTER

GRILLED MASHED POTATOES

GRILLED EGGS

GRUEL GADZOOKS

HAGGIS IN A HELMET

EAST HAMPTON PO’BOY

HOLIDAY HEAD OF BOAR COCKAIGNE

HOLIDAY SAUSAGE PIE

HOT DOG BOUILLON

HOWARD’S HALIBUT

LAWRENCE’S PERFECT CLAM

MESCLUN MANGE´

GESUNDHEIT RIBS

MOOSE LIP SOUVLAKIA

PASCHAL LAMB AU PRINTEMPS

PATE SPORKULATA

PEAS OF PERVERSION

PERIWINKLE BROTH

PINEAPPLE RIGHTSIDEUP CAKE FARTEUSE

POTATOES POLTROON

RAOUL’S RABBIT GOULASH

SALT SQUID

SAUSAGE TARTARE

SHAD FOR THE COMMON MAN

SHAD ROE PESTILENCE

SMOKED FISH SPRAY

SPAM WITH GARLIC

SPONATA POLONAISE

STEAK THAT’S GOOD FOR YOU

STEWED DOG BALLS

STURGEON GENERAL

SUPREME BOILED CRAB

RIJN RETCH

THANKSGIVING FOOTBALL

THE 760TH PERFECT EGG

THE CLASSIC CHEESEHEIMER & FRIES

THE GREEN CHILE CHEESEHEIMER

WONDERFUL GATEAUBET

GRAMMY DELCH’S APPLE WORZZLE

FRIED REBLOCHON AND EGGS

ZUCCHINI DECADENCE

SELECT ITEMS OF GENUINE DELCHWARE

NOTES ON COOKING TERMINOLOGY

PREFACE AND DISCLAIMER

This book is a collection of some of the most ridiculous and inedible recipes ever dreamed up. I hope that you love and enjoy them as much as I have, though do not attempt to make or eat them! They are for the professionals noted here only!

Completed by Delchmont some ten years or so ago, the book is only now coming into print and distribution. Owing to a mysterious set of circumstances, Scroone Delchmont disappeared in November of 2008 and has not been seen since. Stories among witnesses vary somewhat, but apparently, he was in the process of preparing the excellent and exciting Thanksgiving Football when the football exploded in the oven. Others say he was making Chicago Baked Rabbit and had suffered a depressing chrensh. Whatever the truth may be, there does seem to be agreement that he emerged from the kitchen and into the dining room covered in food of some sort. Looking straight ahead like a Zombie, he walked deliriously out the door and vanished! It’s taken ten years for me to get the manuscript from his estate and finally get it to the eager public. There was a problem with the family… As one of his closest friends, he told me that if there was ever a crisis of some sort, I was to follow through in his stead and get it out. At last, here it is, from one of the world’s true masters of food preparation, for your enjoyment and wonder.

Selwyn Bridgton

INTRODUCTION

Initially I had planned to entitle this book Cooking For Fun and Flatulence, but upon more careful consideration decided that for most of my readers this would go without saying, hence Scroone Delchmont’s Kitchen Companion. For discriminating readers, home cooks, epicures and generally speaking, people of imagination, what is contained here are certainly some of the more interesting approaches to food in the western hemisphere. I’ve tried to bring a taste of the exotic to the mix, such as the item entitled Asian Bugs and yet we run to things as simple and totally domestic as Shad for the Common Man, an item of reflection and antiquity.

In perusing my recipes and those borrowed of others and printed here, you’ll encounter a wide variety to suit most palates. This work includes other aspects of food and its preparation, including the preservation of food for later use. Hopefully what the reader will find is a work which is varied and which will fill gaps in the knowledge of even some quite accomplished cooks as well as the novices among us and everyone in between.

My sincere thanks, and in some cases, my money, go out to all of those who helped me to get this together. They are too numerous to mention here, but special thanks go to Rramos Chipotle who donated several recipes from his world-famous restaurants Cleavage, in Miami and Baja Libby’s, in Rangeley, Maine. If you care to see them, there are more acknowledgements in the section titled Acknowledgements, although appearing there are mostly far less important people who nonetheless would have been hurt had I left them out, with the exception of one, who is suing me for defamation because he was included.

Over the years in addition to all the praise, I have also been characterized variously as worthless, offbeat, a wingnut, tasteless, pain in the butt, lazy or profligate. This of course is my ex-wife’s unsolicited opinion and the careful reader will note that she left out ugly, her own enduring contribution to an otherwise beautiful world. Notwithstanding my ex-wife’s bad attitude, I plan other, similar works which I’m sure will gore her equally. Look for my forthcoming treatise on the Cuisine of Papua New Guinea: Cooking on the River Fly, destined to be the next rage after we’ve spent all our enthusiasm on recipes from the Middle East and N. Africa.

Scroone Delchmont

2007

The Recipes

APPLE GREEN HAZEL

As the story goes, Green Hazel Holtzenshlep was a sickly woman who was born to a family of Wisconsin apple growers. Her sister, Brown Betty Holtzenshlep, is somewhat more well-known. In fact, experts on the subject are pretty much in agreement that the well-known dessert, Apple Brown Betty, was actually one of Green Hazel’s recipes, believing that the healthier, more ambitious Betty stole the recipe and got the idea to the recipe public relations people before any of the slightly nauseous Hazel’s protests could weigh in for anything in her own defense. Hazel may ultimately have had the last laugh however, as her sister died an untimely death when she was smashed by a runaway apple cart at the height of the 1908 apple harvest. Casting more doubt on the authenticity of the Brown Betty dish is the certain fact that Betty spent more time doing her hair and nails than she ever did working in the kitchen, whereas the hopelessly homely Hazel devoted her well hours almost exclusively to cooking. Unfortunately for the hapless Hazel, although she cooked constantly, few would eat anything she made for fear of contracting whatever illness it was that she had at the time. Oddly, she lived to the age of ninety-three when she died suddenly in the midst of a coughing fit, surrounded by piles of Kleenex and pies. [See Beyond Apple Brown Betty: Treachery in the Kitchen by Purvin Splent, Smedwick Publishers, 1941]

Thus it is that everyone knows of Apple Brown Betty but few know of Hazel’s recipes. Apple Green Hazel is certainly one of her originals for even if you believe that Betty originated the famous recipe, it is certain that she never added Okra to it.

Green Hazel’s Original Recipe:

One recipe of Apple Brown Betty, mixed and ready for the oven

Pound of Okra, washed

Cut the okra into bite-size pieces. Place inside a microwave safe dish with water to cover and microwave on high until okra is soft, steamy and has begun to get a little gluey. Blend carefully with the rest of the Brown Betty mix. When thoroughly blended, place in shallow buttered baking dish (3 x 8 x 15.75). Bake in 375 oven for 35 min. or until nicely browned on top. Serve hot, warm, lukewarm, cool or cold. Avoid serving frozen.

ASIAN BUGS

Have you ever wandered into an Asian supermarket and seen those large bugs or beetles, usually three to a package, sitting in the Styrofoam tray covered in cellophane wrapper and priced by the pound? Yeccch! You know, the great big black ones about four inches long and an inch or so wide? Arghhh! Well, people do eat them and apparently find them quite tasty, wholesome and entirely delectable fare. They even pay for them. They’re imported! Makes me glad I don’t work in a customs warehouse. What if they arrive fresh and alive? In fact, how do you tell if they are fresh when you buy them? What if they’ve gone bad? How would you ever know?

It’s not that they are so gross-looking, attractively displayed as they are. It’s rather the thought of having to clean them that makes me gag --- yeccch! I mean, I don’t suppose that you eat them with the shell on and all, do you? What about the wings and the legs? I mean, wouldn’t you have to field dress them or something? Gack! Have at it if you want, but I don’t even want to know if they have a nutty flavor or if they taste jes’ like chickin. I’ll just keep my distance.

On the other hand, I have always had a perverse fascination with these things, you know, multiculturalism and all, so I asked some questions in the right places. What follows is the result of the inquiries:

1. Get as many packages as you think you’ll need, depending on the appetites of the guests and your budget (a 3-pack costs about thirty-nine cents).

2. Open the packages

3. Arrange on a platter

4. Serve and enjoy

5. Yeccch, Gack and Arghhh!

I understand from unreliable sources that it is de rigueur to eat these with the fingers and a glass of coconut milk.

KALE WELLINGTON

Wow your health-conscious friends with his trendy, very healthy dish! It takes its name from the famous Beef Wellington, of course, a fabulous albeit decadent creation of truffles duxelles, sauce bordelaise and beef tenderloin all wrapped up and baked in a glorious puff pastry. Well, forget all that. This is entirely different. Traditionally served with lemon butter sauce.

Four or five large globe artichokes

Three Small kohlrabies

Two garlic cloves, peeled

Cream of Asparagus soup, about 2/3 cup

Salt & pepper

Melted butter

Approximately one pound fresh whole Tuscan Kale Leaves

Trim artichokes of tough outer leaves, remove thorn if any and choke. Cut off stem entirely. For kohlrabi, trim any brown or discolored leaves. Steam until tender throughout, about 45 minutes to one hour.

Chop vegetables coarsely and place in a food processor along with garlic, peeled. Depending on the size of your processor, this may take more than one application. Add salt and pepper, about ½ tsp each. Process until almost smooth. Add soup and continue to process until well blended, checking seasoning. Correct if necessary. When finished, the vegetable mixture should be thick and fibrous, not too wet, but moist with the consistency of a wet towel. If it looks too wet, thicken it with several tablespoons of cornstarch.

On a large work surface, lay out kale leaves in an overlapping pattern about two feet long. Placing the vegetable mixture atop the kale, form into a somewhat shorter log about 4 inches thick. Roll up in kale leaves. Next, pin the leaves with toothpicks. Brush the log with melted butter. Carefully place log in a roasting pan large enough to hold the Wellington and bake for one hour at 400F, basting as necessary. When done, the Wellington should offer moderate resistance to a toothpick attempting to pierce it. Should it be impervious to the toothpick, don’t try to eat it. Instead, after it cools, shellac it and set it aside for future works of art.

Assuming that all went well, however, remove to a platter to carve at