Be Your Own Dating Coach: Treat yourself to the ultimate relationship makeover

By Jo Hemmings

A relationship coach in a book

Ever wondered why you make the same dating mistakes time after time? What seemed so promising at first simply dwindled into yet another disappointment. Or do you rarely get beyond the first or second date? Do you yearn for a long-term relationship but find yourself drifting from relationship to relationship? Or do you feel trapped when you really just want to have fun?

Taking a step back from your busy life while taking a good yet honest and dispassionate look at yourself is never easy. Be Your Own Dating Coach is an upbeat, positive and humorous look at understanding yourself better, increasing your self-esteem, having more fun and getting the relationships you want and deserve. In short, it will show you how to coach yourself to a better love life.  Written in two halves, one for men and one for women.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Wiley
• Release date: Feb 15, 2011
• ISBN: 9780857081858

Book preview

Introduction

Dating is easy, right? You meet someone, you swap numbers, you arrange to meet and you take it from there. So why do so many people find it so tough? Why does it seem harder than ever to meet a great partner and turn dating into a relationship?

Given that there are more ways than ever of meeting potential partners, it is ironic that it seems so difficult to do something as seemingly simple as meeting an attractive member of the opposite sex and going on a date or two. However, we live in a changing world of singles. No longer content to stay in our home town to date, court and marry a local boy or girl and settle down to have 2.4 children, we all have higher expectations than ever of a compatible partner. We want to date a number of people before we settle down. Some of us don’t want to settle down at all, at least not in the conventional sense, and certainly not until we’ve lived life a little. Some of us want children – others don’t. Some of us have had children and are single again, and our dating agenda has changed. In a world where our hopes, wishes and demands are constantly changing, our lifestyles and financial independence no longer depend on a partner to support us or do household chores, and where most of us have a liberating and healthy attitude to sex before marriage, the dating rules of engagement have moved on.

It is difficult to know when a casual dating scenario is turning into a relationship. Just wanting – or wanting to avoid – commitment is not enough to recognize the stage when we are ‘getting involved’. Some of us believe that we are in a relationship after date one, for others it is after the first time that we make love and for others it is when we fall in love or even move in together.

Maybe you don’t know what you want out of your dating life. Long-term commitment or a little short-term fun? Maybe you go from one relationship seamlessly into another without giving yourself breathing space in between. Or maybe you can’t even remember when you last had a date. What really matters to you in a partner? Looks, build, shared sense of humour, generosity, success? And what do you have to offer any potential relationship? Are you aware of your strengths and weaknesses on that score? Do you learn from your previous relationships and move on when dating again? Or do you seem to make the same cock-ups time after time? Do you find yourself saying ‘yes’ to almost anyone who asks you out, to spare his or her feelings of rejection? Or perhaps because you can’t imagine finding anyone better? Or maybe you say ‘no thanks’ out of shyness, lack of self-esteem or the fear of what the future holds?

My point in this book is to maximize your dating potential and not to fret too much about making a ‘relationship’. I believe in dating for dating’s sake. I also believe that the more people that you date, the better you’ll get at it and your experience, whether bad or good, will help you learn to recognize when a situation becomes special and you want to make a further commitment.

Dating should be about having fun and enjoying the moment – not about pressure to see where a relationship is ‘going’. Most of us need to spend more time enjoying the present and less time worrying about the future. A relationship will evolve in time, for almost all of us, but there will be a lot of dating situations along the way that simply don’t evolve into anything meaningful. Once you accept this fact, you can begin to indulge yourself in dating situations, which might not seem like an initial long-term promise. Dating is like shopping – love it or hate it – giving yourself time to shop around, comparing one product with another will ultimately get you a better deal in life than heading for the local shop and buying the first item that you see.

However, over the last few decades we have become a cash-rich, time-poor society. Our local communities are not as strong as they once were and we have been brought up in a self-help-driven society that tells us that we can and should get what we deserve. We know how to make choices for ourselves and we grow up earlier than ever before. This independence is a great asset, but it has given us a whole generation of singles and divorced people. What marks us out from previous generations is that we don’t need a partner for financial or practical support, or because we fear being ‘on the shelf’, but because we want someone special – for the emotional and sexual intimacy that only a close relationship can bring.

Dating is not an exact science. Meeting people is not a prescriptive business. But preparing yourself to date, and maximizing your opportunities by learning a little about improving your chances in the dating arena is something that you can learn. Being proactive but also being chilled is possibly the best way that I can summarize the way to go. Tough call? Read on, be entertained, and maybe even learn a little along the way. Whatever your age, your sex, or your dating or relationship history, you will hopefully find something in this book that will help you along your journey. There will be peaks and troughs, great dates and truly bad dates, times when you long to date but can’t find the right person, or you find that seemingly special person but it is the wrong time or the wrong place. People who are fun but don’t have the chemistry to drive you on. Dates that inspire you and dates that drive you to despair.

Dating ain’t easy and almost every one of us will have a rough ride from time to time. Truth is that most us will end up in a long-term relationship. It just may not happen when you want it to. As the old song says ‘You can’t hurry love’. What you can do is improve your chances, cast your net more widely and enjoy the rollercoaster ride along the way. Good luck!

girls

002

CHAPTER 1

Dating Versus Relationships

Firstly, let’s establish what we mean by the terms ‘dating’ and ‘relationships’. When does a date become a relationship? On the third or fourth date? When you’ve slept together? When you’ve both agreed to move on to the next stage?

While all of these factors come into play, like anything else in the dating world, it’s not an exact science. It tends be a mutual thing, an agreed acceptance by you and your guy that your relationship is special, probably exclusive and going somewhere. It can still be exciting of course, but there are certain assumptions that are made – like Mondays are movie nights or Friday evenings are spent independently of each other. By this stage you are probably not wondering if he’ll ever call again, you know that he prefers CKs to boxers and whether he takes sugar in his coffee. If you have never met any of his mates, don’t know which football team he supports or whether he’s still playing the field, then you’re probably still in the dating phase.

You need to remember that while finding a guy to date is a challenge, it is not a competition. Enjoy the pursuit, the goal setting and the excitement – but don’t let yourself believe that in you’re in a race to some sort of finishing post with your other girlfriends.

It is often true that when you’re in a relationship, you seem to be more popular and attractive than when you’re single. This is because being part of a couple seems to show that you are appealing and successful. And ironically you often become more desirable to other men. This is in part due to the fact that a woman who is spoken for is often the ultimate challenge to another guy – their competitive genes often outweigh their common sense – and in part due to the safety element of being able to relax, chat and even flirt with someone who, because they are dating one of their mates, is unlikely to put any demands on them. This extra appeal though, is also down to the natural self-confidence that people exude when they are happy and in a relationship that makes them feel good. And this, even in the single state, is what we are going to achieve with you by reading and taking on board some of the advice in this book.

Dating is great – it’s fun, it has its own special momentum and it doesn’t have to lead to a more serious relationship. It might of course, but part of the fun is just enjoying your time together, the discoveries that you make about each other and the sheer, simple pleasure of not having to wonder whether he is ‘the one’ or where it might be leading. Always remember that a date is just for a few hours, not for the rest of your life. What have you got to lose?

MEETING GUYS

Just how many times have you heard girlfriends say those immortal words – or God forbid, perhaps uttered them yourself – ‘I just never seem to meet any guys’. Now we’re not talking good guys versus bad guys, dishy guys versus those hit by the ugly stick; we’re just talking about how difficult it seems to meet men, any men. And how many of those women make any effort to get out there and actually meet potential dates? Sure they have a great job, busy social life and hit the local bars on a Wednesday night. But in-between times they are sharing a Friday night take-out with a girlfriend, having Saturday evening supper with old workmates or that couple they met at college, or sifting through their underwear drawer. Well, he’s as unlikely to be hiding amongst your smalls, however sexy, as he is to be delivering your Thai carryout, though that possibility is there of course … He’s probably not going to be in the bar that particular Wednesday night either. Though he might be on a Friday or a Saturday.

It’s a truth universally known, as Jane Austen might have said should she have found herself suddenly single in the twenty-first century, that Fridays and Saturdays are the best nights for pulling. And bars, easy as they may seem, are sometimes the toughest places in which to actually meet guys. Sure, you might get lucky and exchange a coy smile or two, but they might be with their mates and not want to break up the party, be too shy to make a further move or simply too fuelled up by alcohol to engage brain and body in harmony to make a serious move.

THE MEET MARKET

So let’s take a look at where you might actually meet a guy – some are obvious of course, but others may take you quite by surprise. And a few tips on how to maximize the opportunities once you’re there. Do try to take up as many invitations as possible, as even the most unlikely sounding events can turn out to be quite promising meeting places.

Bars and pubs

So obvious, yet in practice pretty difficult places in which to meet someone. Lots of groups of people for sure; but they are so often a mixture of men and women in separate groups, so how do you know who is dating who? Making eye contact with someone’s boyfriend in a crowded bar can be a pretty foolish thing to do. Then again, big groups of guys are a bit of a turn-off. Fuelled by booze and testosterone, are they really out to meet someone special, or just showing off/celebrating the national team’s win/on the pull? And the nearer to closing time it gets, a mixture of booze-fuelled goggles and desperation doesn’t make for the most discerning choice.

And the guy on his own? Stood up by his girlfriend perhaps, or merely drowning his sorrows? He might be OK, but he might just be a five star loser. What to do?

• When you’ve spotted someone that looks interesting, take the long or the awkward way round to the bar or the loo in order to get a closer look. If he still looks cute, see if you can catch his eye on your return journey.

• If you notice someone looking at you, smile gently and hold his eyes long enough to see if he returns the smile or nods in return. Don’t look away straight after smiling – easy to do if you’re a bit shy – otherwise you won’t know what sort of response you’ve had and it will have been a waste of time!

• Try a casual line like, ‘Have you any idea what time this place closes?’ or, ‘I don’t suppose you know a local cab number?’ Nothing too cheesy or offensive. A reference to the fact that his flies might be undone, even if they are flying at half-mast, will not please the object of your attention!

• If you’re feeling really brave and the coast looks pretty clear, one of the best methods is simply to offer to buy a guy a drink. While some men still find this approach too full on for their tastes, a lot of guys are impressed with an assertive woman.

• Another possibility, though generally better towards the end of an evening, when a little Dutch courage might be in order, is to get one of your friends to get chatting to a guy that you like and check out, as subtly as possible, whether he might also be interested in you. ‘My friend fancies you’ is a technique often used at singles events and is a great icebreaker.

• Take the direct approach. It’s often difficult to have a meaningful conversation in a vast, noisy, crowded bar, so going up to someone who looks cute, and either asking for his number or offering him yours with a view to having a chat sometime soon when it isn’t so chaotic can work wonders. He may well feel flattered, and appreciate your candour in not wanting to interrupt either of your evenings with your mates, or make him try and talk in an atmosphere not really conducive to a meeting of minds. It’s bold, it’s brave, but it’s definitely worth a try …

Parties

A great party can be the perfect meeting place. Your hosts might already be in celebratory mode – Christmas, birthday, house warming or whatever the occasion might be. There are likely to be at least a few fellow partygoers that you already know and there are bound to be a few single men too. You can seriously pamper yourself before you go, dress up big time and look your very best. There’s often a connection between the guy who looks like he might be cool to talk to and the host or hostess, and if you know them well enough you can always discreetly check out who he is, what he does for a living and whether he’s available for further investigation. Trouble is, unless you move deftly and directly, attractive unattached men can get monopolized by other single girls very quickly.

Suddenly the party’s drawing to a close and the nearest you got to chatting to anyone remotely single was your best friend’s younger brother who, after a couple of beers, confessed to having a childhood crush on you. So what to do …?

• Try not to get to a party too early – you’ll be worse for wear by the time most of the other guests arrive and there’s an air of desperation at turning up at 8 o’clock on the dot. Then again, don’t wait until the increasingly fashionable bar chucking out time to arrive – it might be too late to snap up the best deals! 9 to 9.30 p.m. is usually about right.

• Work the room, chatting to those guests that you do know, keeping one eye open for attractive guys along the way. Try not to get stuck with the loser from accounts or the old friend that wants to catch up with the last few months in point by point detail. Excusing yourself to the loo is still the best way of extricating yourself from that sort of situation and wasting potential man-hunting time.

• Chat to a variety of people, men and women, as networking can lead to all sorts of further opportunities.

• If you see someone that you like, check out his ring finger. Not a guaranteed method of eliminating the attached men of course, but it certainly helps.

• The simplest method of approaching a guy who looks interesting is simply to ask him his connection to the party. ‘So how do you know James/Sarah?’ Anything starting with ‘My wife/girlfriend’ or even ‘We …’ is probably a dead end.

• Once you’re chatting to someone who has taken your fancy, try to relax and enjoy. Ask questions, be a good listener and check out whether there’s any eye contact. And if he excuses himself to go to the loo and doesn’t return within a few minutes, or goes off to get another drink without offering you a refill, take his departure in good grace. Perhaps this time the attraction wasn’t mutual; maybe next time you’ll have more success.

Clubs

Clubs can be a happy hunting ground for cute guys. They often look smart, you can check out their dancing and it’s a convivial place to meet. However, clubs tend to be loud and dark of course, so don’t expect to be enjoying a conversation on any meaningful level.

• Remember the dress code – unless you’re looking for a quick shag, or at a certain sort of themed club, either wear a short skirt, or a low-cut top. Not both together – sadly the combo shouts ‘cheap’ louder than a market-stall holder on a Sunday morning …

• Unlike the local or the bar near work, guys rarely go to clubs just to socialize with their mates. Like you, they are probably on the lookout to meet someone, so subtlety ain’t the name of the game here.

• Like the bar, if you see someone that you like, move over into their general direction and see if you can establish a little eye contact.

• If you get chatting and he asks you to dance, or just starts moving in the general direction of the dance floor, go with the flow if you are still keen.

• As a petite woman, I know how difficult it can be to sustain any kind of conversation with a tall guy, in a noisy place. Shouting ‘Sorry, what did you say?’ is not a sexy look, so use your small frame to your advantage and suggest that you sit down to talk further.

• If you do meet someone you like and he asks for your number, my advice is to take his number and give him a call when, in the cold light of day, you’ve decided whether you did fancy him after all. Otherwise, give him your mobile number rather than your home number and never give him your address or invite him back to your place on the first meeting. And definitely don’t go back to his. Chances are he’s a decent bloke, but clubs are full of dodgy, seemingly OK types and your safety is paramount, however charming he seems.

The office

Meeting people at your workplace is temptingly easy, although not always appropriate. While you will find more detail on the pros and cons of the subject below (‘Screwing the crew’, on p. 31), if you do think that it is worth considering, the following tips might help.

• If you like a guy at work, but are unsure as to whether he might already have a girlfriend, ask him what he got up to at the weekend. Anything starting with a ‘We …’ is clearly not a good sign.

• The more direct, yet casual, your approach the better. A line like, ‘I’ve had such a crazy day, do you fancy a quick drink after work?’ is better than, ‘Do you fancy going out one evening?’ The former suggests mateyness, the latter a date. If the attraction isn’t mutual, it can be awkward if he thinks you’re actually asking him out.

• Try finding a time to chat when his work colleagues aren’t around – there’s little worse than being ribbed by his office workmates about someone who fancies him. And if he’s junior to you, try to make sure that he doesn’t feel obliged to take you up on your offer.

• If you make it to a date and things do progress, remember that you might have to see this guy on a daily basis. Can you cope with his possible rejection in due course, or indeed his reaction to yours? It can make life very awkward, especially if you work in the same office or in a small workplace.

Friends of friends …

Dependable friends have partners who have single friends or work colleagues, and they are bound to know a little of your dating history as well as your likes and dislikes, so they can often be a great source of meeting single men who may be attractive to you.

• Make sure that the friend is reliable and has your best interests at heart. There can be a lot of sport in setting up a date with someone just ‘to see how they get on’ even if they don’t really think it’s likely to be a match made in heaven.

• Well-meaning friends will often choose someone who is just like your last love – both in looks and personality. Trouble is, he broke your heart and meeting a carbon copy of your last boyfriend is probably the last thing that you need. Check out some details first.

• If you do get set up on a blind date, try and make it at a lunchtime or for a drink after work, making it clear that you have to get back to work/go home to feed the cat/go to an evening class. That way if it doesn’t go according to plan, your escape route is mapped out. And if it does turn out to be fabulous, then the cat can wait …

• Dinner parties can be great, especially if there is a mix of single people, so that it doesn’t look too obvious to the smug couples that your meeting has been pre-arranged. If you are getting on well with a guy in this situation, then try and find a quiet moment to slip him your mobile number or e-mail address, in order to outwit those prying eyes.

Internet dating

In recent years, the Internet has revolutionized dating. With websites springing up that cater for all tastes, it still has to be said that some of the bigger, more established dating sites remain the best option. Partly because the more sophisticated sites offer a wealth of additional options, such as chatting on line, or face-to-face singles events, but also because the choice of available men is so much wider. There is much more about Internet dating in Chapter 9, so here is just a brief overview.

• Go for a site that asks for as much information as possible about you and your potential partner. It’s no good finding someone who you think looks gorgeous only to find that they live on the other side of the world, or have political views that would make Attila the Hun look like a leftie!

• Be as honest as you can with your details. Knock a couple of years off your age if you must, but post an up-to-date photo and be truthful about your personal and professional details. That way you can expect the same honesty back from your potential dates. There are an awful lot of bullshitters out there and needless to say, they are best eliminated at an early stage.

• Take this kind of dating slowly. Start by exchanging e-mails, and if all seems to be going OK, progress to a couple of chats on the phone with a longer-term view of making a date. Always meet in a public place, and let a friend or your flatmate know where you are going to be and what time you expect to get home.

• Try and keep it clean – by all means get into gentle flirt mode; this is not a job interview but if you start getting too hot too quickly, it’s pretty difficult to backtrack. And however perfect they may seem in cyberspace, the face-to-face chemistry might still be lacking.

Speed dating

Speed dating is now something of a phenomenon. Originally started in the USA, it is basically an arrangement of equal numbers of men and women, in roughly the same age range, with three minutes to chat and get to know each other. It may not be the most romantic way of meeting your man, but for the direct approach and efficiency it’s hard to beat. There’s more on this – and many of the other organized meeting places – in Chapter 9; but as a summary here are three essential tips to make speed dating work for you.

• Smile, say, ‘Hi’ and make a little eye contact even if you know that this ain’t the guy for you. It’s only for three minutes after all.

• You don’t need to interrogate the guy, but ask a few simple questions with a twist. He’ll probably have heard, ‘What do you do for a living?’ at least three times already, so ask him if he’s had a good day at work instead.

• Speed dating works on instant chemistry – check out the ingredients; does he have the blend of voice, humour and looks that might appeal?

The chance meeting

The possibilities here are almost limitless and all the sweeter for being so unexpected. These are just some of my favourites, but frankly if you’ve actually shut your own front door in order to leave your house, anything could happen! And if you actually enjoy any of these activities, rather than simply using them as man-meeting opportunities, then so much the better.

• The train. If you’re a regular commuter, then the chances are high that you’re going to see the same people going in and out of work or on the platform. If you see a cute guy on a regular basis, simply smile or say ‘Hi’. You have nothing to lose by being friendly.

• The airport. Meeting people at an airport couldn’t be easier. Maybe you’re both in holiday mode, which always makes it easier to chat. Or you are in the departure lounge or gate waiting for an announcement for a delayed flight. Sure, it can be frustrating, but it gives you something in common to talk about. Or you could be in the bar, the restaurant or shopping for duty free.

• On holiday. Footloose and fancy-free. The days are warm; the nights could get even hotter.

• At a concert. Packed together in the bar or the auditorium, it’s clear that you already have a similar music taste in common.

• In a supermarket. Guys have to shop too. Check out the contents of their