Farce Forward - Volume 2

By Merv Lambert

An ex-colleague, a school librarian, once told me, much to my surprise, that quite a lot of children came into the library at lunch-time to read plays, but that there were not so many available. I therefore offer this set of 5 plays partially to fill the gap, whether merely for reading or even for performing. They range from the first two fairly simple ones, 'The Vase' and 'Neighbours' to the more complicated such as' Aline's Dream' and 'Mr. Far West'. You may note some familiar themes, which I may deliberately or not have borrowed. Aline is definitely not Dorothy, although 'Little Red Robin Hood' and 'Little Horrors' echo some of the ideas in my straightforward stories in 'Colin the Librarian'. The plays may sometimes seem to have serious ideas, such as loyalty and betrayal, but generally they are tongue-in-cheek and intended as (hopefully) a bit of fun. My own favourites are the rather spare 'Pythonesque', and to my mind, especially 'The Haunted Bedroom' with its spooky ending. However, I humbly offer them for you (once again hopefully) to enjoy.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AUK Kids
• Release date: Sep 28, 2011
• ISBN: 9781849896405

Book preview

1988.

Little Horrors

Characters:

Mr. and Mrs. Walton, an American couple

Rowena, aged 11

Edwin, aged 11

Jo, a real tomboy, aged 9

Sukie, aged 5

Gruber, the butler

Count Vlad

Countess Anaesthesia

Scene 1

(About 10 o’clock in the evening. It is a dark and stormy night in the 1960’s. From time to time there is lightning and in the distance thunder rolls. The Waltons arrive at a ‘hotel’ in the country. The building looks like a neglected castle. They go up to the very solid front door. Mr. Walton knocks on it. They wait. Nobody comes.)

Mrs. Walton: (To her husband) Typical! You’ve got such a poor sense of direction. You are always getting us lost.

Mr. Walton: But it wasn’t my fault this time. You were reading the map. At least we have arrived now.

Mrs. Walton: But there is nobody here. The place is deserted.

Rowena: Look, Dad. There’s some kind of rope there.

Mr. Walton: So there is. Perhaps it’s a doorbell. (He pulls on the rope. A sinister bell clangs nearby.)

Mrs. Walton: Some doorbell!

(Footsteps are heard approaching slowly. They stop. The door creaks open. A tall figure dressed in black and with a very pale face looks at the family without speaking.)

Mr. Walton: Good evening, sir. This place is in our guide. Do you have any rooms vacant?

Gruber: (In a deep, sonorous voice) Perhaps. Come in, ladies and gentlemen. I will ask the Count.

Scene 2

(They enter the castle.)

Edwin: Oh, look! Spiders’ webs. Huge spiders! It’s great!

Mr. Walton: A little mysterious maybe.

Mrs. Walton: It doesn’t look very clean.

Sukie: Mommie, I’m scared!

Jo: (Aside) You’re always a pain in the butt!

Gruber: Wait here please.

(He goes out and comes back almost immediately, preceded by a distinguished-looking old gentleman with an extremely pale face.)

The Count: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to Castle Drac. I am the thirteenth count, also known as Count Vlad the Glad on account of my keen sense of humour. It’s a long time since we had any visitors here.

Mr. Walton: (Shaking his hand) Good evening, Count. This is my wife and our children Jo, Sukie,