Farce Forward - Volume 1

By Merv Lambert

An ex-colleague, a school librarian, once told me, much to my surprise, that quite a lot of children came into the library at lunch-time to read plays, but that there were not so many available. I therefore offer this set of 5 plays partially to fill the gap, whether merely for reading or even for performing. They range from the first two fairly simple ones, 'The Vase' and 'Neighbours' to the more complicated such as' Aline's Dream' and 'Mr. Far West'. You may note some familiar themes, which I may deliberately or not have borrowed. Aline is definitely not Dorothy, although 'Little Red Robin Hood' and 'Little Horrors' echo some of the ideas in my straightforward stories in 'Colin the Librarian'. The plays may sometimes seem to have serious ideas, such as loyalty and betrayal, but generally they are tongue-in-cheek and intended as (hopefully) a bit of fun. My own favourites are the rather spare 'Pythonesque', and to my mind, especially 'The Haunted Bedroom' with its spooky ending. However, I humbly offer them for you (once again hopefully) to enjoy.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AUK Kids
• Release date: Jul 21, 2011
• ISBN: 9781849895811

Book preview

1988.

The Vase

Characters:

Beth

Gary, her husband

Steve, Gary’s friend

The burglar

Scene 1

(The lounge in Beth and Gary’s house. Beth comes in carrying a rather large vase and puts it down on a table.)

Beth: Gary! Come and see what I’ve just bought.

(Gary comes in.)

Gary: Well, been spending again? What is it this time?

Beth: It’s a new vase, or rather an old one. I think it may be an antique. I got it at the market. I love it. It goes well with the room, doesn’t it? But what do you think?

Gary: (He walks around the vase, peering at it closely. He is frowning.) What do I think? To be honest, I don’t like it. I think it’s awful! Yuk! I hate it! You don’t expect me to live with that thing in the room, do you? My advice is to take it back and get a refund, or even throw it in the dustbin. (He gives a mock shudder.) It’s ghastly!

Beth: Throw it in the dustbin? No, absolutely not! I like it. The colours blend in well with the curtains and the carpet. I’ll put it over there in front of the window.

Gary: (Furiously) No! (He snatches up the vase.)

Beth: Don’t you dare! You haven’t a clue, when it comes to colour and style. It stays in here. I’ll speak to you, when you’re in a better mood!

(She flounces out angrily and Gary puts the vase slowly back on the table.)

Gary: Unbelievable! She accused me of having no taste! Now she’ll sulk all the time and give me the cold shoulder for at least a fortnight. I should have kept my trap shut! (He gives a huge sigh and walks disconsolately out.)

Scene 2

(In a bar. Gary and Steve are sitting at a table. The burglar is at another table nearby and is reading a newspaper. There are bottles on the tables, but they remain untouched throughout the scene.)

Steve: Are you feeling all right?

Gary: Yes, yes, I’m O.K.

Steve: You