Finding Love Again

By Carolyn Martinez

Described by readers as 'life-changing' and 'easy-to-read'. If doing what you've always done is not giving you the results you seek, it's time to do something different. Dating again after being in a long-term relationship is thrilling but also overwhelming. This is a refreshing and practical guide to making great dating choices. Your next partner will be in your life for years to come. It’s an important choice. Finding Love Again offers guidance from relationship experts, interviews with real life men and women, and self-reflection exercises for you. It's riveting reading to see the connection between real-life behaviour/patterns and theory. What a wonderful thought that the best day of your life may not have happened yet.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Jan 7, 2015
• ISBN: 9780987190949

Book preview

Reviews for Finding Love Again

An inspiring, motivational, down-to-earth, refreshing, practical guide to a universal topic. I laughed, I cried, I soaked up the incredible wisdom. Reading this beautiful book was like spending the day with a best friend, just the right amount of comfort and emotion. This is not just a book about finding love again, this is a book about friendships and relationships, the core of our actual existence.

Susie Russell, Relationship Consultant / Divorce Mentor

"Finding Love Again is well-written, sensitive and very easy to read, full of stories, ideas, and advice on how to find love, and more importantly I think, how to keep love strong for the duration. Carolyn Martinez has a knack for taking sensitive, painful subjects and, through a combination of exceptionally clear writing and good journalism, making them seem both natural and surmountable. The stories are sometimes told from both partners’ points of view - which also adds to the depth and sense of perspective. All of the stories are told with sympathy and a great deal of honesty. Though the majority of the book is built around stories, the case studies are bolstered by an opening interview with relationship educator Robyn Donnelly, and Martinez’s own extensive research. It’s quite interesting to see the connection between real-life behaviour/patterns and theory.

Magdalena Ball, Critic, Compulsive Reader.

This is an inspirational book that has the power to change lives. Martinez has a witty, engaging voice.

Leigh Hutton, Author Jump Girl & Rev Girl

For all those seeking love again,

may good judgement and good

times be yours. What a wonderful

thought that the best days of your

life may not have happened yet.

Hawkeye Publishing Pty Ltd

www.hawkeyepublishing.com.au

ACN: 101 912 056

Copyright Hawkeye Publishing Pty Ltd 2015

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopied or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publisher.

COVER DESIGN

Ally Oop Designs

PAGE DESIGN

Adriana Avellis

PHOTOGRAPHER

Stewart Hazell

BETA READERS

Kate Bestwick, Beth Curran, Christine Hammond, Lynette Hammond, Patricia Hammond, Leigh Lalonde, Saul Martinez, Carol Mitchell, Susie Russell, Karen Traversari, Robert Watson

MODELS

Tadd Andersen, Ernesto Calderon, Bruce Campbell, Kerrie Coles, Bree Cunningham, Russel Davies, Clay Francisco, Angie Francisco, Kim Holloway, Marilyn Holloway, Alice Johnson, Steve Johnson, Kelly Lofberg, Kimberly O’Sullivan, Min Ostini, Libby Rodgers, Prudence Sepp, Astrid Soiland, Chris Tola, Kristen Tola, Brian Wark, Alison Wellings, Claire Williams

ISBN:

978-0-9871909-4-9

This book contains personal interviews. The opinions and information provided by the interviewees are not the opinions of the publisher. These interviews are anecdotal to the best of the interviewee’s recollection.

Those who agreed to be interviewed for this book have shared intimately their experiences. Due to the extreme personal nature of this information, names and places have been changed to protect people’s identities.

If doing what you’ve always done is not giving you the results you seek, it’s time to do something different.

Contents

Is this book for me?

Chapter 1: Introduction to Finding Love Again

Chapter 2: Relationship Theory

Shared Stories Introduction

Chapter 3: Ben’s Story

Chapter 4: Jade’s Story

Chapter 5: Carlos’ Story

Chapter 6: Elena’s Story

Chapter 7: Sydney’s Story

Chapter 8: Caroline’s Story

Chapter 9: Andrea’s Story

Chapter 10: Dan’s Story

Chapter 11: Stacey’s Story

Chapter 12: Jack’s Story

Chapter 13: Racquel’s Story

Chapter 14: Petra’s Story

Chapter 15: Todd’s Story

Chapter 16: Harper’s Story

Chapter 17: Bernie’s Story

Chapter 18: Natalie’s Story

Chapter 19: Gemma’s Story

Chapter 20: Robyn’s Story

Chapter 21: Helen’s Story

Chapter 22: Self-Reflection Exercises

Final Messages:

Releasing Your Past

Tips for Combating Loneliness

7 Things You Need to Know Before You Date Again

Is this book for me?

Finding Love Again is for people who have been in a long-term, committed relationship and it ended because of a break-up, or the death of one partner. It is for people aged over 30 years, and up to any age.

This book is for you if you do want to fall in love again.

Circle your answers to this checklist.

If you answered yes to any of these questions, Finding Love Again is for you.

Now answer these questions.

If you answered yes to any of these questions, I encourage you to continue reading Finding Love Again and also to seek out additional professional, in-person support. Sometimes we reach a point in life where a face-to-face connection is required. www.beyondblue.org.au is a great resource for exploring where you’re at now, and who might be the best person for you to talk to. They have a Who Can Assist section that explains all of the health professions available (traditional and alternative) so you can decide which one would be the right one for you. If you prefer phoning, their number in Australia is 1300 224 636.

Chapter 1

Introduction to Finding Love Again

Before I fell in love for the first time, I was firmly of the belief that I would rather be single than in a relationship in which I was unhappy. I enjoyed being single. I was independent, had good friends and don’t remember experiencing any loneliness.

It was shocking to me later, after 12 years with someone I loved, just how much I struggled with the loneliness when I did find myself single at 32 years of age. It was a different ball game out there! In my teens and early twenties, my social circle had been filled with other singles. At 32, I found that the field was scattered with a few random, emotionally-scarred, battle-weary players. The bulk of my peers were at home with their partners raising young children. Potential partners were few and far between, and there wasn’t a wing-person in sight – I had no single female friends.

Emerging from a long-term relationship into a singles space is challenging for everyone, with varying degrees of difficulty depending on the reason for the relationship ending, the length and/or intensity of the previous relationship, your age, and the make-up of the support network surrounding you.

Loss can occur through death or break-up, at any age. There might be kids involved. There might be financial devastation, betrayal, anger, hurt. You might be the one who broke off the relationship, but it still hurts. Everyone has to travel through all the stages of grief in their own time.

You finally begin to emerge from the grief ... and then what?

This book offers you men and women of a range of ages who have shared their stories intimately. Sometimes, your heartache might be so intense that it feels like you’re the only one to hurt this much, or to have been so lonely, angry, frustrated or lost. In fact, there are others out there who’ve been brought to their knees, survived, and flourished, stronger and better than ever.

There is love and life after loss and break-up. It’s yours to grab if you want it. Each chapter in this book is a different story. They won’t be your story, but you will get a little something for yourself out of most, if not all.

After the Shared Stories, tackle the Self-Reflection exercises offered in Section 3. They are designed to help you start to navigate from where you are now, to where you want to be. The main message you’ll learn in this book is that you have to know what you’re about, what your own Personal Values are, in order to be able to gauge if potential suitors are right for you. Sounds simple? ... Not getting this right is a common cause of failed relationships.

This book is intended to give you a sense of community and friendship. Get ready for helpful, practical ideas for taking control of your future.

I wish every reader hope and encouragement through the stories in this book.

What you’ll find in Finding Love Again

Section 1

Relationship Theory – a short, easy-to-read section on leading research, key principles of successful relationships and how, based on this knowledge, you might approach dating to choose a partner right for you.

Fact

Section 2

Shared Stories – each story contains an introduction by the author, a person’s story in the interviewee’s voice, ending with discussion/evaluation and key points by the author.

Opinion

Section 3

Self-Reflection Exercises – exercises you can work through to reflect on your own love past and future, and create your personalised Action Plan for entering your ideal love relationship.

Practical

Section 4

Final Messages – some concluding thoughts about Releasing Your Past, Tips for Combating Loneliness and 7 Things You Need to Know Before You Date Again.

The Holy Grail

Finding Yourself Single Later in Life

When I commenced the research phase for this book, I considered that I would interview couples in their second relationship to find out what they learned from their previous partnership, and why their second relationship was so much better because of what their past had taught them.

Well ... it turned out that not everyone grew and learned from their experiences. Some people I interviewed had simply taken the first opportunity that came along because they were lonely, or, they looked for someone the opposite of the person they were with the first time around. This may be a mistake. For instance, someone who was with a violent man, might look only for a non-violent man ignoring other important qualities. A man who was with a woman who didn’t find his jokes funny, might look for someone with the same sense of humour as him. This logic is understandable, but insufficient when it comes to building a harmonious, and satisfying relationship with longevity. It’s important you have a holistic view of all the qualities that you’re looking for in a new partner, not just one or two that your former partner didn’t have. The people who approached finding a new partner based solely on what their previous partner didn’t provide them, often found themselves in a new relationship with other – but just as many – problems.

Finding yourself single later in life is a different ball game than when you were in your twenties and falling in love for the first time. Now, at one end of the scale you look around and it feels like everyone you know is in a relationship. You have hardly any single friends, and the last thing you want to do is hang out at a pub to meet people. At the other end of the scale, you feel like everyone is dying around you, and most people want to sit at home doing nothing new! So where do you go to meet like-minded singles?

You may have heard online dating stories that make your stomach churn. It feels like all the ‘good ones’ are taken; the only people you’re meeting seem to have endless amounts of ‘baggage’. Plus, the rules have changed! Who calls who? Who pays? How long should you wait to reply to a text message? Should you text or call? Can women chase men now? Are there really more single women than men?

On top of all that, you’re entering this new playground possibly with your confidence and personality suffering some dents. Your last relationship has left you reeling, perhaps nursing a broken heart, facing financial hardship, dealing with trust issues from betrayal, losing half your family and friends overnight, settling financial and custody arrangements with your ex-partner, moving or deciding whether to move or stay, dealing with lonely Sunday nights, or desperately missing someone you loved dearly who has passed away.

Many have travelled this road before you, and some of them share their stories with you in this book. The following chapters offer you companions with which to share your challenges and successes. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. May their openness and success help you on your path to your own clarity and new, ideal love relationship.

There is an old proverb – To know the road ahead, ask those coming back.

I’m a strong subscriber to modelling theory. When I see something or someone that impresses me, I think, Good on you, and I admire and appreciate the work, dedication and commitment that I know that person put into achieving their goal – because, let’s face it, nothing good comes easy. If I see something that I admire and truly want for myself, I engage with the person and find out what they did and how they did it. I learn from them.

This is what this book offers you. The following pages don’t contain an instruction manual to finding love again – this is love after all, not a cake baking recipe. What they do offer you is information. Some information and tips from people who work in the relationships field, shared stories from people who have previously been where you are now, and shared stories from people who are where you are now. After you’ve had time to absorb and reflect what you read, at the end of the book, there are exercises to help you with your own healing and goal setting to set you on the path of getting you from where you are now to where you want to be, welcoming a new, successful, love relationship into your life. After reading this book and doing the exercises, you’ll have created your own Action Plan for steps to finding love; steps that are applicable to you and your situation.

This is your chance to write your own story for what happens next. You decide the future direction that your life takes from this moment onward. That’s exciting.

Chapter 2

Relationship Theory

Throughout the interviews for this book, it became evident that poor choices and poor communication were often prevalent in past failed relationships. For this reason, I’ve started the book with a snapshot of Relationship Theory. Just enough to focus you on the critical elements of successful relationships and direct you to excellent resources if you’re interested in further reading or viewing. Now is a good time to learn more about critical success factors for healthy relationships so you know what you do and don’t want in terms of how a prospective partner interacts with you. Some information may be new to you. Some information may be old, but give you a different perspective. All this knowledge will help you identify warning signs that a particular road could later bring you unhappiness. On the flip side, when the right person comes into your life, he or she is going to stand out from the pack because you’ll recognise the signs.

I would like to introduce you to Mrs Robyn Donnelly, a Relationships Educator. Robyn has been delivering pre-marriage education to couples for 16 years, and is passionate about the science behind her work.

Robyn, why should readers learn more about the key indicators of successful relationships?

As adults, we usually don’t research things like this until we’re in distress, and by then it’s often too late. Knowing the principles of successful relationships arms us with knowledge that makes us more likely to choose our ideal partner. When looking for a new partner it’s good to gain a better understanding of what makes a successful relationship so you can apply this knowledge early and not waste time on someone who isn’t right for you.

Physical attraction is certainly important, but even more crucial, is ensuring that your most important Personal Values are aligned with your prospective partner.

It’s important in relationships that both partners communicate well. Couples in good relationships often ask each other open-ended questions so they can ‘check in’ and truly know what the other person thinks and feels about things. Most of us do this when dating, when we’re getting to know someone. But this can fall away into the mundane questions such as, What’s for dinner tonight? in long-term relationships. Happy couples, twenty years in, still ask each other things such as, What do you feel about where your career is at now?, or How do you feel about our home, are there any changes you want to make?, or What would be your ideal way to spend Christmas this year? We all grow and change constantly. It’s important that both partners understand this and take steps to remain connected at a deeper, more involved level.

Open-ended questions show genuine interest and allow you to truly know your partner. When dating, it’s important that your date is asking you open-ended questions, thereby demonstrating a genuine interest in you, and that you’re doing the same. This initial indicator can be a precursor to what you might expect later in the relationship.

How can we discover if a potential suitor’s Personal Values are similar to ours?

Dating can be exhilarating and fun, but also horrifying or dull at times. You don’t want to come across as wanting to jump immediately into a serious relationship, but you do want to get to know the person well enough to know if there is compatibility and potential there. Attraction and humour/fun are important, but there’s more to it than that if you want success and longevity in a relationship. Here is a list of questions that you can slip into conversations to help you understand the Personal Values of the person you’re getting to know. Become familiar with these questions, and use your discretion. Of course don’t fire these questions at a person all at once. Ease them out over time in the course of getting to know someone.

Their answers will give you a greater understanding of your potential partner’s Personal Values. There are no right and wrong answers to these questions; you’re simply discovering whether their critical Personal Values are compatible to yours. The answers also give you real data to base your perceptions on, helping you to avoid the pitfall of reading a relationship through rose-coloured glasses.

•What type of relationship are you looking for?

•Tell me about your family .

•Have you always lived where you are now or have you moved around? What was that like?

•Are you a city person or country person at heart, and why?

•Who has influenced you most in life, and why?

•What qualities are you looking for in a new partner, and what qualities do you believe you bring to a relationship?

•When your eulogy is read what do you want people to say about you?

•What do you think makes a great relationship?

•What do you do to relax?

•What are you passionate about?

•What was the last really awesome day you had and what did you do?

•What would your ultimate night out with a date be like?

•What would your best holiday destination be, and why?

•What attributes do you have that are similar to your parents?

Which ones are positive and which ones are negative?

•What do you do when you’re stressed?

•What is one of your achievements that you’re particularly proud of?

•Who can relax you when you’re stressed, and how do they do it?

•What are you disappointed that you haven’t done yet?

•What are ten things on your bucket list?

•What lessons have you learned in life that you hope your children wouldn’t do?

•What are four Personal Values that you treasure in people?

•Who are the three people that you’re most close to, and why are you close to them?

•What do you think of education in primary school and high school?

•Describe your ideal home; eg. is it big, small, messy, meticulous , homey, sparse?

•Describe the best Christmas you’ve ever had .

•Would you ever do charity work, and if you would, what would it be?

•When are you a planner and when do you go with the flow?

•How do you deal with conflict at work?

•How do you deal with conflict with friends?