You Hold the Key to your Door

By Dianne Carney

 Learning you are not alone.

We are all here today, living and performing different roles such as mum, dads, bosses, career people, trades person, movie stars, volunteer worker, Policeman, Doctor, husband, wife, or not working at all. We all own a title for what we are performing in our daily roles.

Most of us

• Language: English
• Publisher: Dianne Carney
• Release date: Sep 7, 2020
• ISBN: 9780645054705

Book preview

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Copyright

Copyright © 2020 by Dianne Carney 1st Edition All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, recording, photocopying without prior written permission from the Author and or publisher. It’s how you put the practice of the contents of this book together for yourself and what has happened or is going on in your life, as I quote, we all have our unique story, I will not be held responsible or accountable on how you interpreted this book or where you have been unjustly harmed or abused by someone. I cannot imagine the impact of your trauma and the effects it has left on you. As the author, my only intention and purpose of this book, is to help you from your past to the future journey with your emotional well being. If you choose to exercise any guidance and or information from this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, Neither the author and nor any publisher assume any responsibility or liability what so ever on behalf of the reader and consumer of this material and for your own choices and actions. The information provided in this book is designed to provide for helpful motivational guidance on the subjects discussed. This book is not meant to be used, nor should it be used to diagnose or treat any medical condition. For any diagnoses or treatment of any medical problem please consult your own physician. This information in this book does not replace the specialized training and professional judgement of a health care or mental health care professional. If you are on any medication suffering from any mental instability or illness please consult with your local registered health care specialist or DR, please don’t stop taking your medication from reading this book, unless your health professional has advised you otherwise. Neither the publisher or author shall be liable for any advice from this book provided, the advice from the book does not constitute medical, commercial damages, including, but not limited to, special incidental, consequential or other damages or legal advice. Those seeking financial or legal advice please consult the appropriate qualified professionals. The publisher and author are not responsible for any specific health or allergy needs that may require medical supervision and are not liable for any damages or negative consequences from any treatment, action, application or preparation, too any person reading or following the information in this book. Throughout the book, I constantly use the words, you, partner, parents, same sex orientated, as a descriptive for the substance of all chapters, meaning it does not have any reflection on you the reader or anyone else in your life. I have used the term colored people as a descriptive for the substance of some chapters. For all racialized people respectfully. Meaning racialized people can be non-white or white people. Whilst there are true case scenarios throughout the book, it will or may have many similarities which could possibly sound and seem like it relates to you or someone you know. The scenarios have no reflection on any one in particular. As you will discover the similarities happens all over the world in most families, work places, social activities and venues, schools, churches though not limited to. Any similarities are purely coincidental.

ISBN: 978-0-6450547-0-5 (e-book)

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Special Dedication

This book is Dedicated to my three beautiful loving Children. Christopher, Daniel and Tara-Lee. Three very unselfish children, my heartfelt thanks and love goes to you all. We have helped countless people over the years by fostering. Myself listening to people over the phone, supporting and visiting people. What stands out above all is Christopher, Daniel and Tara-Lee not once did you say, you never spend time with us, not once did you ever complain, you all delivered support and love in your own unique ways. My love and gratitude are delivering this book to you, hoping you will have a better understanding on how and why life was the way it was, how my childhood experiences, taught beliefs, behavior, had an effect on the way you were brought up, while we were all growing within the family unit. The importance of life is knowing people have a worth, people have feelings, people need to be protected. You are all of worth as you will read. I am very proud of who you all have become as a person in life. This book is my sorry and your deserving love to you all. Thank you, my beautiful loving children. Love always mum.

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ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

A huge heartfelt thank you to everyone who attended my very first workshop which goes hand in hand with this book. To each one of you in your own unique ways thank you, with much heart felt appreciation to everyone, believing in my work and teachings, with your wonderful comments, continuous encouragement and support. Being passionate about all the workshops, I will always remember, cherish, appreciate and will always smile about starting the first workshop. I was feeling nervous, ten minutes into the workshop, I noticed a confused look on a person’s face, I had continued on a little further and then said to everyone, how are you enjoying the workshop so far, all said don’t stop keep talking, after the workshop had finished the person with the confused look had said, I thought this was going to be a different type of workshop, when are you doing another one? Can I come to the next one? Hearing those words was music to my ears. You all gave me the confidence to keep going. To a special angel who’s now in heaven, you are always thought of, for not only for being the beautiful gentle person, also for the amazing cakes you would create to share with all during break time, we did not know what we would find inside the cakes. One cake when slicing open to the surprise of everyone, was chocolate balls packed in the middle. A huge thank you to all that contributed to writing testimonials, demonstrating who and what you are becoming from your learning. A huge thank you to two special males, for the support, the tools to assist in being able to write the book, the tools which was needed for the workshops also your encouragement and belief you have in my teachings. Thank you for spending and contributing so much time going over the book also giving great constructive feedback. To someone very dear, who gave me a pack of A5 books to start writing and said I will write a book one day, I laughed at you gently quoting I don’t read books, let alone write a book and here is the book. I will always smile with you all. Due to confidentiality and respect of privacy rights, names cannot be given, you all know who you are. Thank you to all, each for your love, belief and encouragement. With much love and much appreciation always, Dianne

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Testimonials

My heartfelt thanks to the Spiritualist Dianne Carney and author of this book, for helping and supporting me to overcome my heartbreak, grief, health issues and stress (by the Internet). Her teachings, practices and belief in myself that she has taught me have completely changed me, they have given me self-confidence, strength and peace of mind and the ability to deal calmly with awkward situations and how truly forgiving others helped me to move on with my life, S Cole, England.

I cannot thank or commend Dianne Carney enough. Over the past 2 years, I have thoroughly enjoyed Dianne's workshops along with her 'one on one' spiritual guidance sessions. Di has given me so much strength and empowerment. She has helped me enormously with overcoming my insecurities. I have now grown and developed into a person that can make mature decisions. I am a much more confident woman who faces her fears and moves forward in life. Thank you, Di, I am truly blessed to have you in my life. I consider myself very lucky to call you my friend and angel. Xx Amanda

Thank you, Dianne, for getting me out of my swirl of stress. I am very grateful for the unlimited support and reassurance I have received from you (all times of the day). This has had such a positive impact on my life.

Since first meeting you when I saw you for a reading and attending your workshops, you have helped me so much. I apply the different techniques you have taught me and I am smiling and have a passion for life again. I feel lighter, more positive and have already changed habit is regarding my children and my husband. It’s so good to be 'taken by the hand' so to speak through all the various aspects of spirituality and to incorporate them into real life. You are so open and are always willing to share your wealth of knowledge. You encourage confidence in me to approach difficult situations at my own pace and you never judge me. You have helped me face to face, over the phone and even when I have been overseas. I am so grateful. How wonderful for you to be able to help people in this way. Thank you so much Dianne,

Maureen, Australia and France

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Introduction

The sole purpose of this book, is to purely help people from all walks of life, in moving forward with their life.

Introducing an understanding about your past, how to learn to put your past behind you, owning back you and your right to freedom in the heart and mind, going forward from today. We are our own unique self, we are all worthy of a better life, it’s being able to make your own confident choices, without the influence of our past, thoughts, experiences, beliefs and learnt behavior hold you back or affect you. We all come from different backgrounds, with a variety of sad and hurtful experiences, leaving us with a mixture of confused feelings, beliefs, thoughts and behavior. Which may leave most people lacking self-worth and confidence, hence it is what leads most of us to act, feel and behave and make the choices we make today.

This book can give you the keys to a healthier understanding with a renewed perspective of allowing you grow within, by becoming a more confident happier person, enabling you to become stronger with your self-worth, believing in the decisions you make going forward, by becoming the survivor. Allowing yourself permission for newer choices also better positive outcomes and thinking in your daily life.

This book may or will go into your private and personal domain of feelings, thoughts and past experiences. What you learn can be put into practice at your own will and pace, it also takes discipline and patience. Be gentle with yourself, watch and feel the changes within you and the acceptance coming from you. You will find you are more happy, contented and confident as each day goes by, others enjoying and accepting you even more so. A huge warning, there will be chapters, which you may get very emotional, if at any time what you are reading is affecting your thoughts and emotions, please stop for a while, even if it is for a few days, weeks or go onto a new chapter, until you have gained you back again. As there are real life events that may relate and appear similar to you which can or will affect you.

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Book 1

Book 1

Understanding the roles in our life

The beginning of your life

Mind versus the inner self

Ego

Forgiving

Trust

Victim role, I am a survivor

What does lack of self-worth look and feel like

What does high self-esteem and confidence look and feel like?

Help through looking at yourself in a dark doorway

Confidence

Feelings

Fear

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Understanding the Roles in our Life

Learning you are not alone.

We are all here today, living and performing different roles such as mum, dads, bosses, career people, trades person, movie stars, volunteer worker, Policeman, Doctor, husband, wife, or not working at all. We all own a title for what we are performing in our daily roles.

Most of us are confident in our roles and acknowledge we do a great job, as we have been trained or and studied in our specialized area. While we are continuously performing our role routinely every day, some of us automatically believe we are confident in our roles, we are still the same confident person away from our job. If you separate your confidence from your job role and step outside of your role, ask yourself, are you as confident as the person inside of the role? generally most people are not, can you confidently and comfortably talk with new people at a party? talk to someone at the shops? can you quickly strike up a conversation when introduced to someone new? do you feel confident in going for a job interview? do you feel confident when talking to your boss or someone in a more superior role than yours?

While we put much importance and effort into our job to perform and achieve our goals.

How much time and effort do we put in for ourselves, to study and discover who and why we have become the person we are today? what is our real inner self really wanting to be.

Learn what really holds you back, in achieving the things you wish to achieve further than you have today, what and why triggers our responses and actions to yours and others behavior, defining, understanding and separating your job personality to who you are as an individual. What is important is knowing who we are as a person, what formed us as a person. We are all here on this earth for the same thing, love and acceptance, most of us are unconsciously/unaware that deep down it is love and acceptance, is what we are really searching and yearning for. A longing to belong.

Consider this book like a cook book with all the basic key ingredients in one recipe, if used correctly, most IMPORTANTLY to receive any real value and benefit for yourself, it’s recommended read from the start to the end. You will then see in your own time of processing the information, on how all the ingredients will flow naturally together into your daily life and interactions with others, there may be times in your life where you will use a certain chapter to help see you through a situation or event, or when you maybe having a low feeling day.

When you read going forward there will be chapters thought out the book, some of you may experience some mental and emotional trauma, to help you identify if you are, when you feel your body tensing or feeling nervous, and your mind is going into overdrive thinking about your past experiences, please pause with the book and breathe, maybe go for a walk and tell yourself its ok it’s not happening now, I am reading a book. Come back to the book when feeling back to your normal comfort zone. My own experiences when I was visiting a psychologist, she got me to read a particular book relating to a particular form of abuse, reading half way through the book, I was feeling angry and sick, as it brought back many memories from the past. Many different thoughts were running through mind. I did not want to read the book anymore, about two weeks later I thought to myself there is a reason why the psychologist wanted me to read the book, so I read the last half of the book, I was so happy I did, as that book helped give me back my power. (if you reach this point stop reading to you are ready, this book is to heal you, not intentionally upset you.)

The beginning of your life

Let’s start with the beginning of your life. A little exercise for you to start off with, to freshen your mind. Allow yourself to take the time at least for a few minutes, to visualize when you were a new born baby, so innocent and pure, being nurtured, just lying there in your cot, you don’t know any difference, you are what they call the innocence of a baby at this special stage of your life. Visualize you are free from any thoughts, free from outside influences, your mind is completely blank, free from other people’s beliefs and behavior you start to learn as you grow older. You are who you are for the first and only time in your life, your own inner self. How peaceful did you feel? Once you start to feel and notice these feelings and thoughts you start to feel free, mentally and physically, this is you starting to learn and find you, train yourself to do this as often as necessary, this could help and change you in a lot of areas in your thinking and belief patterns. Just a few minutes a day feel the difference it makes in your heart, mind and body, the more you practice, the more peaceful and calmer you feel inside. This is where you slowly begin to feel, find and believe in who you are as a person, before you have experienced or witnessed anything in your life.

Try not to go into your thoughts at this point by thinking, when I was a baby I was adopted, abandoned, fostered, unloved yes you might have been, for the now the focus here is finding you, at this point just visualize you being a baby, free from beliefs and behavior you have learnt and experienced, your mind needs to be completely blank for a few minutes. It’s time to re nurture yourself. You have made this special time for you.

As a toddler you start to grow, walk, talk, play, learn and listen to everything going on around you, this is what helps develop you as a person. Negative or positive.

Later you may start to hear and learn, you are such good boy or girl for packing your toys away, you made me feel happy, as you were so good when we went shopping, thank you for being quiet while I was talking on the phone. This type of positive feedback we all love to hear, it makes us feel good within ourselves, we stand tall when we are feeling great, when one is constantly given positive feedback and praises. If you come from a well functional and nurturing family your confidence and worth grows, you are off to a great start in life, your self-esteem and confidence enables you to have a more fulfilling life within yourself, where you are able to complete many lifelong dreams, careers, studies and enjoy yourself socially, as you don’t naturally create the negative thoughts or feelings about yourself. The difference is your ego will mostly be natural, as it has not been scarred with constant abuse/trauma.

Then are a lot of us may hear, see and experience the negative side, i.e. this experience is of a very light scale why did you do that, you are stupid, don’t listen to them, what do you know, you are no good yelling and arguments etc. This mainly comes from a more dysfunctional family, where forms of abuse played a major role whether it be one, two or all three which are, sexual, physical, mental. In some homes, drugs and alcohol were also used which can make home life scenarios much worse. You may have also come from a broken home, or where there has only been one parent bringing you up and not having the influence of the other parent being there, they all have effects on people’s thoughts, behavior, feelings and decisions.

The list of continuous horrible, hurtful experiences and behavior are ongoing. No matter the experience, it will leave the feeling of fear of anger, sadness, depression, confusion, guilt, shame, disappointment also embarrassment to name a few.

Learning to understand, how and why the behavior has come about, how and why its effects plays a major role in how we function, think and do things now.

These types of behavior could leave feelings and thoughts of, no confidence, lack of self-worth, I am not good enough, nobody likes me, they are talking about me, oh what do they think of me, believing in thinking, oh I cannot do that job, I am not smart enough, this outfit I am wearing looks horrible, or someone says to you, oh you look nice in that outfit, your reply could be of, oh really, or no I don’t. This is someone not feeling good about themselves, leaving us with much confusion within our minds. Hence the saying you are who you are on the inside. As a perception could be believing, example, being slim, brunette, having brown eyes and a beautiful body is all a person needs. Unfortunately, it does not complete one in their confidence. It’s realizing and learning, the inner beauty of you is just as much of importance, so if you are large, slim, short, tall whatever your build is on the outer of you, the important key is to find the real person hiding in you.

Have you ever looked at a movie star or rock singer and wished you were just like them? Living their lifestyle. We only need to look at social media, movie stars, model’s male or female, they look so beautiful in the magazines, not a flaw on them, great figures, beautiful hair, no wrinkles and lovely clothes, have you seen the pictures of them, when they have not had a makeover before their picture or movie shots, they look just like us when we first wake up in the morning or when going out shopping.

Reality is, a lot of movie stars and rock singers have been married more than one time, some have been in trouble with the law, some have or experienced drug or alcohol related behavior, some suffer depression, they are people like us, they also have shared real life child or adult experiences just like us all. Their television, movie and or photo shots are professional roles they play out in their lives. It’s now defining your professional role to who you really are.

This gives you an understanding most of us are the same, you are not alone, we are just lacking confidence and our own self-worth and for most, carrying hurt feelings from our past experiences. Yes, you might be thinking at this point, well what about when a person you are with says, look at her or him or you may say to yourself, wow, I wish I could be like that person. Your identifying someone with their own self-worth and confidence, guess what, you can, as you start learning and applying from this book, you will see how people like what they see, more importantly you will like yourself, it’s not just the looks let me assure you, your looks will only carry you so far ,until you make the choice to strengthen and believe in you. There are key behavior to learn, I am very excited and passionate to share this information with all that are willing to learn and change the way you are, to a more whole complete loving happy you.

Let’s start with a very basic understanding of where and how you and your family’s behavior and beliefs originated from, whether it’s positive or negative. Think about your family and your families past generations background, whether you were from a rich, middle or poor class family, educated, non-educated, adopted, fostered, divorced, married, separated and blended families. Include grandparents, aunties, uncles, cousins, siblings. What personal experiences and behavior occurred then or do these behavior and events still happen today. Now identify if it’s a cycled pattern of behavior and beliefs. It’s learning about the effects and reasons why your carers, parents and grandparents have evolved the way they have. They may have been brought up not knowing how to love or know how to be kind and caring, as they too might have endured some very horrible experiences themselves growing up as a child. There may have been alcohol, drugs, criminal activity, war, physical, sexual and mental abuse of varying degrees, a behavior cycle that most of us have learnt to form from.

Are there any of your family members who displays anger, sadness, happiness and or depression, (there will be a range of feelings you will identify for yourself, these are just a few) some members may express their feelings constantly. Have you heard anyone in the family or friends say, when I was young my father, mother, uncle etc. would hit me, yell at me, or have you heard your parents say, I use to hate it when my parents did this to me, did you ever receive hugs? did your parents ever tell you that they love you? Its understanding what was your parent’s life like first. How did their childhood affect them as a person?

Example, one day I looked back and thought about my mother and her life, mum had lost her mum at a very young age, mum dad had remarried some years later, mum and her step mum did not see eye to eye. Her dad had passed away, when I was about four years of age. Her siblings and other relatives were not in her life, for whatever the reasons were. When reflecting I had realized, when my mum married and had us children she had not had her mother’s presence to share her special milestones, for example, on the special days like her wedding, leaving school, having children, mum would have been wishing and dreaming in her heart, her mum was there with her. All the grievance, hurt and disappointment she had endured in her life, she never really experienced what love was, so how could she say or show, I love you to me, how would she know and feel what love is, how could I truly learn what love is, how does one learn to love themselves? when you have experiences like these.

My father had lost his parents around the age of seven, he was placed into a boy’s home until his sisters was old enough to look after him for a short term. He then went straight into the army and served overseas, what can I say, the boy’s homes were harsh and not of good reputation back in those days? My dad missed the experience with the outside world from living in the boy’s home straight into the army, one can only imagine what this person would be like, when you visualize their experiences so far, all he knew, was how to defend and protect himself in the boy’s home and in the army. I remember him saying, to get a sweet in the boy’s home you would have win a boxing match.

One can only imagine the thoughts of being in a children’s home for many years with no siblings or family members to have dinner with each night, no outside friends or school where you are able to meet different people to learn how to be sociable, plus going through the added grief of losing both parents at a very young age. I would be questioning myself, if I were in their shoes, who am I, where do I belong, what will happen to me?

Mum and dad married and separated not long after my sister was born, around the age of two. So, another person born to grow with confused, sad and angry experiences and feelings.

Past generations suffered just like you and I. Around the age of four, I did not see my father for another twenty-three years. there again is a void in his, mine and my sibling’s life. I always wanted to know who my dad was, where do I belong on his side of the family, quietly feeling lost inside.

This is an example of how you or your parents are or can be affected by the past, how these types of experiences can affect our feelings and thoughts of the way we think about ourselves going forward. The degree of what you or and your family members have endured and experienced will be different.

If your parents were brought up being hit when they got into trouble, they may have treated you with the same behavior or worse, as they carried a lot of anger, resentment, hurt, disappointment and the cruelty which was inflicted upon them, what else did they know, this was a learnt behavior for them. This was learning how you treat others, this was instilling anger, hurt and confusion in a person. Keep in mind, at this point your parent’s feelings of anger and resentment, most would not have even known today why they are angry, hurt and confused and why they behave in the way they do today. The only understanding most have; in their mind this is how you treat people.

You may personally recognize one or some of the behavior which have taken place over the years in your family, giving you a better understanding of how and why beliefs and behavior come into play, it’s a pattern most of us have followed until we learn, wish and do better, not only for yourself also for your family members. Helping you understand your parents, relatives and past generations behavior a lot better, of why and who they become today, as they were once a baby just like you and I.

This should help you see and realize; you are not alone going through what you have experienced in your own personal life, also in time for some people, helping to release some of the burdens and thoughts you had about your past and family members. These are just two people I speak about, imagine how many other families have had similar or worse experiences.

Example, over past generations even today, the experiences of pregnant women, due to the stigma, cultures and societies beliefs, thousands of these women were sent away to have their babies, some were made to have professional medical or backyard abortions, most of these women could not bear more children after the treatment, due to lack of proper procedure and care. Most of these women and the fathers of the babies did not get a say whether they want to keep the baby. Many babies were adopted out, some were not allowed to see the mother and father. Some fathers wanted to support and marry the woman, though due to family traditions and beliefs, some were not given the right to. What would be the effects, feelings and thoughts have on all these people, this would be one of life’s experience’s you would never heal from. Their human rights were taken away from them, due to the family’s decisions to act upon a social stigma, belief and status. The family name needed to be respected, the importance of the family could not be shamed or embarrassed in society, knowing they have a pregnant child out of wedlock.

This is not to say, negative behavior and actions of others or from ourselves are acceptable or tolerated, they are not. Some people when treated wrongly grow up to have a very positive outlook, knowing within themselves they did not like being treated this way, they grow up in their own life, ensuring they don’t carry the same negative behavior or beliefs with them. They will or may have scar tissue not understanding why it happened to them, they still carry the hurt, some will have moved on and received some sort of help and understanding. Some of us grow up the total opposite and act out what we believed was normal behavior that went on in our homes, schools, churches, workplaces etc. Just like our parents, relatives and friends did.

When growing up, if I had done something wrong, misbehaved or not doing as I am told, I would be punished physically and mentally. So, when I had children of my own, I would discipline them near the same way as I was treated, for their miss behavior. A behavior I learnt and believed was the natural and normal thing to do. I did not know any different at the time. Until I realized when my child was about five years of age I thought, this is not right, I did not like being punished like this, why am I doing the same?

My new approach to discipline was simple, things like taking away their enjoyment, no favorite television programs to watch, sending the children to bed earlier than normal, take their favorite toy from them for a short term. It’s making a conscious choice to change, it’s never too late to change your ways of negative behavior or belief to a positive. It’s breaking old learnt habits.

Understanding your parents, grandparents and carers etc, respectfully could only give you what they knew and believed in at the time, they too suffered and carried a lot of hurt, depression and disappointment also. Take the time to visualize what their background was like, did they have the resources, motivation and or confidence to seek help.

Why I say confidence, is most people who have been affected mentally and physically, may think and believe, they are not worthy of help, most would have learnt to feel guilty, shameful or embarrassment inside having to tell their experiences and feelings, some never understood or knew how to express what was going through their mind. Some people don’t even realize they are lacking confidence or self-worth, as they have become conditioned to the behavior, their thoughts and beliefs about themselves at a very young age due to what they have suffered.

Stemming from older generations, it would have been shameful to know your parents/parent was or is a substance user, it was not heard of, as most of these types of behavior were in hidden, what went on behind closed doors stayed behind closed doors. One can tie this in with social stigmas of behavior standards and beliefs, the shame it may bring on the family, who would believe you. Instead of the abuser accepting the blame of what went on behind closed doors, they would say that their partner had gone mad, they are mental and had them placed in mental institutions. As the abuser can portray and look so fantastic to their neighbors and family members. We can only be grateful to know, there is lots of help available now.

In my parents’ generation, there was not much in the way of help, knowledge or resources. For most generations it was the norm to accept and behave in the way people did, obey or else. After you have understood what the people in your life including yourself may have suffered, this will help you understand how and why behavior, feelings, belief’s and thoughts delivers us to the person we are today.

Have you ever said to yourself at some stage in your life, I wish I had good loving parents or family, or I wish I had a family like my neighbor or friend, as you always see them happy or going places together? Maybe you saw these happy families at a good time in their life, as we don’t know what goes on behind their closed doors.

Now see past how and why you were treated by your relatives, parents and friends, think about all their good qualities as a parent or person in your life, which you hopefully experienced and shared with them, understand why they did not give you what you fully required as a person, once you begin to understand, most of you will start a healing process within yourself, releasing some of the feelings and thoughts, you alone hold and are experiencing with this person or persons.

Some of you maybe now experiencing feelings of guilt and a lot of thoughts going through your mind as some self-realization has come to light for you from reading this section, this will be a normal reaction. (there are a multitude of reasons, each person will have their own feelings, and thoughts there are too many to list) Release the guilt feelings and thoughts, it’s ok, keep moving forward with the understanding, you cannot change yesterday or relive it, yesterday has gone. You can make it a better day today and tomorrow for you and the people you are now thinking about.

(I will add, there are some vindictive cruel people out there, who continually and purposely set out to hurt people for their own satisfaction, as I quote, I cannot and I am not here to justify anyone’s actions, just purely here to help you alone, if you have been affected mentally or physically by another person’s behavior. Also, I am not saying, that anyone’s negative behavior is acceptable, it’s not.)

Tips

Use these tips if you feel comfortable and confident enough, there is more helpful information throughout the book.

If you are able and one of your i.e. family members are expressing and or showing some sort of hurt and anger, maybe say to them, hey I can see, you have been hurt by the situation you are talking about. Use open ended statements, which allows the person affected to talk about the situation if they wish to. You can say to them, I can see the experience has left you angry or upset, would you like to talk about it?

For example, Uncles behavior is unacceptable, you don’t deserve to be treated or spoken to like this, I wonder what uncle was thinking or feeling as he is always so polite and friendly. Do you think Uncle going through something at the moment?

Asking questions about the other persons behavior, you are getting the other person to think a step further in giving an understanding behind the sudden change in the Uncles mood.

Have you witnessed, done or said something wrong to a person, though not to the degree of what their display of disappointment or anger is towards you or others, importantly wait until they have settled down, then maybe say, I know I stepped out of line and I sincerely apologize for my actions, I did not set out to hurt your feelings. I would like to ask, why did that make you so angry. Only when and if this person is approachable, settled and calm, would you ask questions.

By expressing an open-ended statement to the person hearing it, they identified with somebody is hearing them, they consider themselves worthy, somebody wants to listen to them. It helps triggers in their mind, why they are feeling angry, sad etc. If they are not open to talk it’s ok, as they now have self-realization of what has really upset them. Most people over a period of time will start to adjust their behavior because they have just realized, they are not so much angry with anyone in the now, it’s their experience from the past and or maybe something or someone has upset them recently to make their behavior towards you worse than it should warrant. The focus here is not working out where the behavior came from, it’s having the understanding now, of how and why people may act the way they do. At times, don’t always think it’s you they are angry or frustrated with.

When we look at today’s generations, most of us have been educated and learnt, all abusive behavior is unacceptable and not tolerated. Try and associate all the unacceptable behavior you have endured over the years and why it will have an effect on most of us mentally, some of us physically today.

The key here is, beliefs, behavior, values and choices we make today will affect all outcomes for each one of us. Which will always be associated with our thoughts, feelings and one’s own accountable actions.

It’s now knowing, you are allowed to seek help, allowing yourself to talk about your experiences, knowing you don’t have to hide behind closed doors, instead of the abused person being left to feel hurt, ashamed and embarrassed, it’s now the abuser left to feel ashamed and embarrassed in fear of being caught out.

For those who are unaware there are support groups, counselling, police, there is a multitude of assistance there for you and everyone else. If you are a person thinking you don’t deserve help, or saying to yourself no one can help me, change your own thinking to believing there is help for all, you deserve help like anyone else. It’s about finding the right service that works for you, keep on trying to you find what works for you. It’s about not giving up on yourself, it’s about believing in you. It’s not allowing your thoughts or others to dictate or define you as a person.

I have heard people say, the counselor was no good. It’s about finding the right person you can connect and relate with. Everybody perceives subjects and people differently. It’s knowing what is available and how to access the right service and person. There are many forms to obtain help for example, the directory of phone books, local newspapers, local council and community centers, your GP, media, use the internet ,type in your question or query if you are not finding what you need on the internet, extend your search for the support that you are looking for.

8

Mind versus the inner self

Thoughts.

Our mind is a very powerful tool, a very controlling tool yet so simple when we understand and can see the difference between what our thought process is and where we go and what we do with our thoughts, regarding behavior, feelings and what reality is. It’s learning to be consciously aware, a thought is just a thought, a daydream or an assumption, it’s not real it’s just something you think in your own mind; It’s you talking to yourself believing, accepting and maybe acting upon the logic and feelings you are receiving and experiencing with your thoughts.

How to identify and clarify which are only thoughts and what thought is a fact. As we know a fact is real, it’s something happening in real life, this is when we need to consciously think about decisions and act upon them, when it’s a fact. The best part is you can learn and identify by understanding how your own mind thinks and how your body reacts to these thoughts, you are in control and accountable of your thoughts, actions and feelings, you can teach yourself to see the difference between a thought and what is reality. When you learn this, you actually can control what are thoughts and decide to delete these thoughts out of your mind especially if they are negative thoughts playing with your feelings which affect your body and your nervous system therefore upsetting you. Which may cause you to act out and behave in a regretful way at times. Practice once you realize you are only having a thought and every time you are having negative thought, just say to yourself the words Delete thought your gone and say to yourself, I am ok, I will be ok, I am just having a thought, then straight away go busy yourself, listen to some music, ring a friend, to take you away from those thoughts and feelings. Retraining the mind is ongoing, it’s like a car which needs a service, when the car is serviced it runs much smoother and is more reliable. Same as our minds, our body runs much smoother and our lives run much happier when we are in control of our thoughts and feelings.

Examples Have you experienced thoughts, feelings and reacted like in the below scenarios?

You are feeling great, you call this person regularly, next call you make to them they answer the phone, like they could not be bothered to speak to you, or they answer the phone and speak to you abruptly. Straight away you assume in your mind, thinking to yourself what I have done wrong, why are they speaking to me in this tone of voice. Your thoughts and feelings have automatically taken control to accept the blame. Your self-worth and insecurities have just taken a nose dive. This is what we don’t realize or don’t want happen anymore. Another way to recognize if you do? You will have automatically responded by quoting to them, what is wrong? Have I done or said something wrong? they may say nothing is wrong, most times you find out, something or somebody else has upset them, you just happened to call while they are still upset about another situation. If you do respond with the above, try and get into a habit of saying, are you ok or what has upset you. This way you are starting to learn how to take away the automatic thoughts and blame from yourself, maybe also allowing the other person to release whatever is upsetting them if they wish to do so. Importantly keep your voice calm, train yourself in situations like these to remain as you were when you first rang or if they called you.

Text messaging or social media can be another form of mixed interpretations of communication, someone might send a message thinking the other person will understand it the way they are sending in their thoughts of thinking, meanwhile the receiver has perceived the message to their own thinking, which could be totally different to the sender’s way of thinking. Whether it be a positive or negative message.

In some cases, like the above, some people straight away get defensive or feel threatened with the message, why because their perception of the message allowed their thoughts and feelings to take over, at times some people will message or call back and give the other person a piece of their mind. Only to find out the other person did not intend to send the message the way you had interpreted it.

Best and safest solution here is, call or message back calmly, and say, I don’t quite understand what your message is meaning? as I don’t wish to be reading it the wrong way. This way you will receive some form of answer of understanding, hence avoiding a lot of embarrassment for yourself and creating all those unwanted thoughts and experiences. Communication via internet and phone media is great in keeping in contact with everyone. Though when we cannot see each other’s facial expression through telecommunication, you will never truly know what the person is thinking, feeling or really meaning.

A solution to all the above, if you know you have not upset the person prior, train and keep your voice or text in your normal tone, as you know you have not done anything wrong, even though the other person is or maybe upset, what happens here is most people will calm down with their voice and mood, as they will recognize, you have not allowed their mood to affect you, this way you are staying in control of your emotions and conversation. The person upset is understanding and hearing, you are attentively listening to them, though you are not being caught up in their emotional state. You also are bringing this person back to their natural state of mind and feelings.

You have organised an outing with someone or agreed to meet up with friends, they have suddenly cancelled, they may have given you the reason why, your reply to them for example, ok thank you for letting me know, or it’s a shame, as I was looking forward to spending time with you. Though instantaneously your thoughts in your head automatically say, they have better plans, they have accepted a more exciting invitation, or they don’t really want to spend time with me, I am not as important, they don’t really have the flu. You may even be with someone or with a group of people while you received the news of the cancellation, where you expressed your thoughts out loud in conversation, as some of us do.

If you see in this paragraph, you were automatically disappointed about the cancellation, as you gave a positive response to the person cancelling the invitation, though your thoughts went straight into a negative afterwards.

Why do we go straight to a negative thought in this type of scenario? because you were let down, your feelings felt disappointed, your insecurities took over.

Think about a time when this has happened to you, then try and remember the feeling you experienced after being told of the situation. What were your initial thoughts and how did you respond?

It’s an automatic behavior we constantly do without even realizing in any area of our life, it’s remaining focused and aware of your thoughts, feelings and or actions, retrain your mind, delete the negative, change your thoughts to a positive, this enhances changing your mood/feelings to a positive. Key, words and or behavior will trigger our feelings, what we are feeling at the time is what helps your thoughts, reaction or action outcome is going to be. Going forward recognize what your feelings are telling you, if possible, make changes in your thoughts to change the feeling. This is a good example of you gaining your power, being in control of you, not your thoughts in control of you.

Example; you could say to yourself, I feel disappointed, what can I do to take this feeling away, I will plan another event, I will plan to catch up with some else, I might put some time into my study, mow the lawns etc. Straight away what you are doing here is changing the feeling of disappointment into a positive feeling for yourself, changing the negative thought to a positive, allowing you to still feel good in the mind, therefore allowing you to still think clearly and realistically as you were before the cancellation took hold of your thoughts and feelings.

In any situation, the longer it takes you to change the negative thought into a positive the longer it takes for your mood to change, this then allows more of the negative thoughts to keep flooding in your mind.

The fact the other person has taken control in their choices, by deciding to cancel for whatever reason, this is out of your control. (ask yourself have you ever cancelled plans with others for whatever your reasons were, rightfully your choice) It’s about your choices of controlling your mind, and where you wish to be feeling or thinking. Look at your thoughts this way, you went into the negative conversation with your thoughts, because of the natural feeling of disappointment from the cancellation, you start to think and feel negative towards the person who gave you the news, you may start to run them down, you blame and feel angry towards them, as you organised a day of work, you start finding negative faults about them. Why because of the feeling of disappointment and the thoughts which went along with you looking forward to this outing.

You could be thinking, I have organised a day off work or cancelled other plans so I can attend this outing, that’s a fact. The fact is you made a conscious decision to take a day off work, so you could attend, instead of feeling annoyed or angry turn it to a positive, allow your mind to say, ok I have identified, I am feeling disappointed about the cancellation, I will spend the day at work now, or I’ll see if it’s not too late to attend the other event, I was invited to. Another fact to look at here, is this person had nothing to do with your choice of taking a day off work. Remember this was your decision/choice to have the day of. Give yourself permission to retrain your mind and thoughts when experiencing any disappointment to saying, its ok, all this person did was cancel, life is good, there will always be other invitations, I will survive. Going forward in life now identify, when you are talking to someone, or thinking to yourself, is there blame in your conversation or thoughts? If so, learn to alleviate blame from any situation, direct your thoughts and conversations to positive solutions instead.

Have you experienced thoughts like, you are sitting there waiting for a phone call and the person has not rang at the agreed time and is about half an hour late in ringing you or are you waiting to be picked up to go on a date and they are running late, during this time you start thinking to yourself, oh I wonder where they are, what would be keeping them, they don’t care about me, they are never on time, are they with somebody else. You have all these thoughts going through your head, yes only thoughts/assumptions made up in your mind.

You should be able to identify with, the longer the person takes to contact you, the worse you start to feel, the worse your thoughts become, then you start to feel upset inside maybe angry, frustrated, annoyed, anxious, your body may start to shake and churn inside. Then suddenly the phone rings, and you answer the phone by saying hello in an angry, annoyed voice, why? This was your thoughts and feelings taking control of the emotional state you have worked yourself into, so upset you let your thoughts and feelings become real and control you in which changed the whole outcome of the exciting call you were waiting on.

It’s also realizing how the receiving person hears you, angry, upset and wonders what on earth has got into you. They say to you what’s wrong, then some of you may explode on the other end of the phone giving them what for, because of what you were thinking and feeling. (how would you feel and think to be on the receiving end of your response) Have you been responded to like this after running late from another person, now you know what the other person might have been thinking and going through, this will help, we all think and behave the same in most cases.

Remember it was only a thought and a feeling you conjured up in your mind. Try to identify with your thoughts and the facts. The fact was the person was running late, this is out of your control. What you can control is the thoughts and feelings running through your mind and body. Ask yourself, am I only having a thought. It’s retraining the mind to be in the right head space, you will now know if you are in the wrong thinking space, by identifying how your body is reacting to your thoughts, for example, are you feeling anxious, angry, shaking etc, we are so used to thinking negative why? because we are only doubting ourselves unconsciously. Try and get into the practice of changing negative thinking into a positive, examples oh I hope they are ok I wonder what is keeping them They are never on time it’s ok, or say to yourself they will call when they are able, hence why, it’s so helpful and beneficial practicing deleting negative thoughts from your mind, or go listen to some music, where you don’t go into a state where you think and act out hastily, and will not be sorry or embarrassed for your actions and or behavior. You will however become a more responsible and confident person, if you learn to retrain your mind to live in the now, also learn to be patient with the waiting of what we wish to happen or know. Either way the person is not there for you at that point of time, they may have had a change of heart, this is something you cannot control, more importantly you can control your thoughts and you.

Key; What is very important here and will help, try looking at every situation, or any relationship in your life in a newer perspective going forward, also while you are waiting for someone to respond to you. When you find, you are getting upset, and your thoughts and feelings are going out of control, question yourself why you are going into these thoughts, evaluate this person/situation are they normally kind hearten, would they do anything for you, normally they are always there for you, are they someone special to you. You would normally appreciate everything they do for you and others. Even if it’s someone who has made a kind gesture and you are only acquaintances, or if it’s your first or second date.

Ask yourself how important this situation is, does it really matter if they are late, or have not called on time, or even have not called at all, it’s about valuing the relationship and friendship you have with these people and the importance of your relationship with them versus your thoughts and behavior, did this person really deserve to be treated like this, if not a little apology would be greatly appreciated by this person.

If you have realized this is the case, ask yourself did someone from your past always do this to you, never turned up on time, sometimes never turned up, never rang when they said they would. When you were waiting on your call or date now for example, especially about the time when the person was due to call or turn up, were reflections of your past coming into play and this is why you start working yourself up with your negative thoughts and feelings.

Mostly our insecurities about ourselves has come into play due to past experiences and beliefs i.e. If you have been constantly let down therefore bringing on the feelings and fear thoughts of, we don’t like rejection, we don’t like being disappointed, we may also feel unwanted. We have been hurt before; we don’t wish to be let down again. Allow yourself to think and feel positive, you will soon, see and learn. Think and stay positive, it is better for a person to see you in control of yourself and the situation, than not being in control. Most will eventually not let you down.

Example 2

Where the person is knocking at your door to pick you up, they say to you, I’m so sorry I was running late, I had a flat Tyre or I was held up at work, whatever the reason or circumstances were, these people were in the reality of their life, it was their fact, they were even probably panicking not being able to call or arrive on time. You might be thinking to yourself or say to the person, all you had to do was call me to let me know what has happened. Same as the phone call scenario, you have had yourself worked up only this time the person can see your facial expressions and hear your tone of voice, are they a welcoming expression and tone, was this thought behavior and belief worth the outcome.

Now if you know this person, they maybe a type of person, when they are doing or caught up on something, this all they focus on until the job or situation is finished, then they will go on about their next point of call which is to pick you up, try and understand this persons personal characteristics also. The more confident you grow within yourself, these types of thoughts will not enter your mind, as you have learnt in time