Black Like Me, Tales of the Device

By Peggy Buxton

Alice Mahon's fixation began years ago when she meet a black lady with one leg at church during the only few weeks her parents went. It festered until one of the university professors mirrored the body image she still harbored. Little did she know Dr. Shepherd shared the feelings she felt were quite unique. Only when she met Bebe Upchurch did she find they were not.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Peggy Buxton
• Release date: Apr 15, 2015
• ISBN: 9781311543226

Peggy Buxton

Author, wife, lover, and amputee. I have been missing my left leg for years. Growing up I felt that it should not be there, and it is has been a blessing to have it gone. Today's term for this condition is BIID and in the past simply referred to as being a 'wannabe'. I am a full-time crutch user. Like my husband, I find amputees fascinating. 'Devotee' is the frequently used term. My stories have characters that mirror my life in some manner - wanted/needed to be an amputee or want to live with an amputee. I make no apology for my descriptions of these people and there is no intent to take away from the suffering of some amputees. I love feedback on the stories, but I cannot promise to reply.

Book preview

Chapter 1 - Prologue

While at the university, I shared apartments with different roommates. Rutland was a city of several million so it was easy to find places to stay, though not easy to find situations where I wished to remain. A few times roommates became lovers and when that ended so did the ability to stay.

I loved my parents both equally - Herb and Lorita Mahon, but I always called them Father and Mother. He was handsome. Some would say dashing. She was stunning, a head turner, and most men probably lusted over her. They also lived in Rutland, and I visited often. When I was between roommates I even lived in my old bedroom, and now was one of those times. Father did not mind, but I had always been father’s little girl. I was named Alice after his grandmother.

My major was computer science and in my senior year a researcher with a PhD taught a seminar on advances in operating systems and security. Dr. Kmara Shepherd was black, beautiful, and missing her left leg. Don’t ask me why, but that combination just lighted so many fires inside me. Just missing the leg or just being black would not have been as nice.

The class was small and Socratic instead of a lecture. I enjoyed it more than any other class. She and I met a few times in her office, and she seemed to appreciate my contributions to the discussion.

I had no idea how much of her left leg was missing, but it seemed it might be just a short stump of thigh. That’s what my mother called it when I told her about Kmara one day after class. I hid my interest, and if Mother had any, she did as well.

She had to finish making dinner because Father always insisted on eating soon after coming home from work. I settled at my desk and used Google to find more information about amputees and amputations. It was not the first time I had, but this time the second entry listed was What drives people to want to be amputees?. I could not believe my eyes, but it was a TV documentary that was many years old about something called BIID where people believe a limb or limbs should not be there. I modified my query and found more about the subject.

I also found web pages filled with pictures of amputee women, though none were Kmara Shepherd. A few looked similar and I used them to aid my fantasy of her. If I were told my leg had to be amputated tomorrow, I’d do a happy dance.

There were pages of information about BIID, and I gorged myself on everything I could find. The one thing that was apparent was there were no surgeons performing amputations for these people. There was no way I would convince my parents to agree to such a procedure anyway.

Chapter 2 - Dreams

For months, my dreams were filled with me as a girl with one leg. I could not believe how the idea had overtaken my every thought. I had even mentioned something along those lines to Mother. She simply laughed it off and told me I need not worry. I almost cried.

As I walked towards the street that bordered the campus, Dr. Shepherd said hello from behind me. I waited just long enough for Kmara to take a few more steps and catch up. For reasons unknown, nothing else was said until we were to the sidewalk.

I’m stopping for some ice cream if you want to join me, she said.

I’d love that very much.

We walked to the next block, enjoying the sunshine, and the presence of each other. At least I assumed she was feeling similar to the way I felt. I wanted to put some space between us and the other students.

Is this your first year in Rutland? I said.

Yes. I moved at the start of summer. It was time to start over.

Because of the leg?

More because of a failed relationship with a guy that was a stalker. She groaned. "It was a good thing because he would have never accepted the amputation. He was totally into lovely babes, his words. I think he would have seen me as damaged goods."

Hardly.

You’re sweet to say that. Thanks.

Did you ever wear a prosthetic leg?

"I thought about it and received quite a bit of pressure from a few people I knew about how much more normal I would look. I wasn’t into normal, and thought I’d be more functional on crutches."

We waited in the short line, and I carried the cups of ice cream to a bench in a park nearby. It was her idea, but I was glad we would be away from others so we could talk.

About prosthetics, my stump is too short and I knew it.

Thanks for sharing that. Must have been a shock to realize the leg was gone.

I guess most would feel that way. I did not. It needed...I needed the amputation. Probably all my life I had.

I was glad I had read about BIID because it was sounding like she had it. People with it know from a very early age that the limb should not be there.

If it was needed, I’m glad you found someone to help. Was it difficult to locate a doctor?

Uh-huh.

I’ve read about how some people feel a need to be missing a limb...something called BIID. I wonder if I have that.

Hmm, why?

Do you know about BIID?

Tell me.

It’s simple. You know how some people feel they are in the wrong body, and of the wrong gender. Well, BIID is like that only it is about limbs.

Why do you feel you have it?

I don’t think I should have two legs. I hope this doesn’t bother you. I don’t really know why you needed the amputation.

I tell people I was in a car wreck.

But that isn’t really what happened?

Promise me you won’t tell anyone.

I held up three fingers like a scout’s salute when giving an oath. I promise. I guess it might be hard to trust anyone with that kind of secret. I told you mine.

I found a gadget that lets me change bodies. Yeah. Sounds very science fiction, and it is, but it is true.

Where can I get something like that? What did you look like before?

I did not change gender, and I was this age. Maybe I wasn’t as pretty. I was white with pale freckled skin.

Trading bodies...neat. Is there a big selection? I wonder what I’d choose.

Would you be older?

Maybe, but not much.

How would you tell your parents?

Yeah. That’s a problem. I laughed. Maybe they could each get one of the devices. What’s it called?

Mark III. Boring name, isn’t it? I guess there was a Mark I, then a Mark II. She chuckled.

Do you know anyone else with a Mark III?

Not anymore. The devices aren’t all that expensive. If you’d like, I’ll order one for you. Better than supplying you with drugs. She laughed. It might take a few days.

Thanks.

Chapter 3 - Package

A week later Kmara told me that the package had arrived. It was unfortunate that her class was the first of the day, and I had another three. I sent a text message to Mother that I would be studying with a friend and home later. She replied that was okay. Maybe she was having a boyfriend over, something I never expected her to do, but it made for an interesting thought. I tried to picture Father using the device to become a woman for Mother, another thing never to happen.

Kmara helped me set up the device and create an account for downloading bodies. We browsed the catalog, and I was amazed how many bodies were there. Young, old, slender, fat, and all manner of appearances and races. Even in the section for amputees, there were many to choose from.

I don’t know why I chose Tawanda Nielsen for my first body - a black girl missing most of her left arm, and a perfect booty ass and firm breasts. Maybe I picked her because Kmara pointed her out. She was twenty-five, and I found peace within myself that I had never known. Although she was missing an arm instead of a leg, I enjoyed the body.

Whoa-a, Kmara drawled.

Yeah-h. Whoa-a. I laughed, and fondled my new body.

I have a thing for black chicks.

I do too. I grinned, touched my arm stump. Probably can’t wear this one home. I chuckled.

Why?

Maybe my father would want to do nasty things to me. I grinned. He ogles girls, especially black ones. Mother does too. I’ve asked, and neither will tell me what they are after.

Any attraction to amputees?

I’ve spoken with Mother about you, just that you are missing a leg, and she never acts like it is a big deal.

A sure sign of a closeted devotee.

So I’ve read.

You know, Tawanda, no one will know that’s you. Kmara touched my stump, felt over the end.

I like that you called me Tawanda.

That’s who you are...Tawanda Nielsen, a beautiful black lady with one arm.

That’s exciting.

She kissed me full on the mouth. It was no mama’s kiss, tongue and everything for nearly a minute. I thought I’d died and gone to heaven if I already hadn’t from being in the new body.

Get dressed, I want to go out.

I can’t stay long.

I know, just for a while.

I left the Mark III at Kmara’s and hurried home. It was already odd being back in my own body. I hated it. She had taken a few pictures, all quite tame, using my iPhone. I kept looking at each one as I walked along the sidewalk. My life would never be the same.

Get the homework done? Mother said as I walked past the kitchen.

I stopped by Dr. Shepherd’s and had her explain some stuff. I lost track of time.

That was nice of her to help. Where’s she live?

About two blocks on the other side of campus, just past the ice cream place and the park.

I know where that is.

A friend of hers stopped by as I was leaving. I showed her the pictures of Tawanda. Wish I was that pretty.

She is very nice looking.

What if I had that body?

I wouldn’t mind. I might want to leave your father. She snickered.

Huh?

A joke that fell very flat. Sorry. I was dating a black girl before I met him. I guess I still have a weakness for girls like that.

I didn’t know.

Well, I don’t make it a habit of telling anyone about my lesbian side. He knows, and he allows my dalliances when I can’t control myself.

I’ve noticed you both looking at black chicks.

"He enjoys pointing them out and asking how would you like her."

Would he date a black girl?

That’s interesting. He had dated a few, and I have never figured out why he wanted me. I guess we both had a weak period when we opened ourselves up to new experiences. She took a few things from the fridge and spread them out on the counter. What happened to her arm?

I was afraid to ask. Why?

Just curious.

I showed her a few pictures of Kmara.

Whew-w, Mother sighed.

Interesting about that. I felt the same way. What if there were a gadget that let you trade bodies, would you?

If Tawanda was one of the choices.... Mother laughed. He’d be all over either lady in a hot minute, even with the missing limbs.

We could both be black ladies in our twenties or thirties and share him.

Would you want that...I mean to be with your father?

He’s a great looking man. At least I know him better than some of the jerks I usually date.

"Well, incest is considered wrong."

I moved closer and rubbed her back, kissed her neck. We could be girlfriends.

I know what you are suggesting is supposed to be bad, but I’ve had thoughts about it before.

I had no idea. What kinds?

Inappropriate ones. Mother snickered. Man, a gadget to trade bodies. I’d love something like that.

Tell me what kind of body you would like?

Your father likes younger ladies. No doubt about that. I’d like to be something that would really excite him.

How young?

I don’t think he’s into nubile, tender flesh. Maybe. I know when we fantasize it is mostly mid twenties.

Black?

Of course. She laughed.

What else does he want?

She laughed. Surely a nice ass, and black, black. Oh, yeah-h. Black.

What would you and he tell people?

He could be a widower with two daughters of a black wife.

Would we just spring it on him? I chuckled. You know, be hot black chicks when he comes home. See if he jumps our bones? I chuckled again. How would you feel if he banged us without any thought to your feelings?

It’d be a sign he’d be willing for us to stay in those bodies. I can’t think of anything nicer.

What about work, friends, family?

My desires in this regard are so overwhelmingly strong that I don’t give a rip. Man. I’d stay in the body, be damned what anyone thought. Hell, if I could trade bodies and he didn’t like it, maybe I’d leave and start a new life.

I grinned.

Have you told him about Dr. Shepherd? she said. If not, find some time tonight and include the bit about Tawanda...show him the picture. That will help us measure the likely results.

Chapter 4 - TV

Father was sitting on the couch reading the newspaper, listening to a football game on TV. Mother had gone to the den to do some work on the computer. Dinner was over, and the kitchen cleaned. I sat close.

Hey, I said, then kissed his cheek. There was nothing unusual about what I had just done.

Hey, darling. How was your day?

Spent some time with Dr. Shepherd getting help with some homework.

She’s the one missing a leg, right?

Uh-huh. She uses crutches.

That’s what I heard. How do you feel about that?

She seems okay with however that changed things for her. What would you want me to be missing?

Not like you often get to choose. He laughed.

He grinned, patted my thigh. His hand remained about midway above the knee, and I did nothing about it. A few minutes later, it was still there, and I was feeling flushed. I scrolled though pictures on my iPhone and found one of Tawanda.

Maybe like this? It’s a friend of Dr. Shepherd’s...Tawanda.

She’s very, very pretty.

I wish I could have been black.

Me too. Sorry. That came out wrong.

I would like that. What if I could have Tawanda’s body?

Maybe you and Mother have talked, and you know I have a weakness for black ladies. He finally removed his hand from my thigh. I guess we’d both be happy if you could have her body.

I spread my knees slightly and leaned against him. Yeah. I paused. So, if I should change my body, how old should I be?

Old enough I wouldn’t get arrested. He chuckled, touching my knee.

What about Mother?

Huh?

Would you two want to share a black lady? Maybe you already have. I don’t know.

He removed the hand from my knee, his face red from blushing. I could tell he was more than casually interested in the topic.

Ah, ah, he stammered. Yeah-h, he said without explaining.

Chapter 5 - Morning

Father always left for work an hour before I got up. I finished masturbating, thinking about his hand on my thigh, thinking about what he looked like undressed. I pictured him thick, well hung, and a great lover. I had no idea. Fantasies are fun.

Mother was just pouring her coffee as I entered the kitchen. I stopped so close that my whole body rubbed against her back. I let a hand find one of her breasts as I kissed her neck.

Is this the one to lose? I whispered, fondling it, thinking about her comments about losing just one.

The other. She laughed. I don’t know why he likes the idea of a single breast, but it thrills him.

I looked at some pictures of woman after a single mastectomy. I could easily get aroused if you were like that. I gave the breast one last squeeze, then kissed her lips passionately.

Alice, darling.

I shoved my tongue back down her throat and enjoyed the prolonged kiss. Nice. I rubbed between her thighs, heard her take a few deep breaths. I could skip today, and we could mess around.

What’d your father say?

He wishes that I were a black girl, wouldn’t mind if I were missing an arm or leg, and he’d want to share me with you.

Wow.

Yeah. I laughed then kissed her just as passionately. Maybe on a day I don’t have any classes. I laughed again, then hurried out the door with my book bag over my shoulder.

Chapter 6 - Tawanda

Tawanda was wearing a short skirt and halter-top when she knocked on the front door of our house. She patiently waited for Mother to answer. Saying that Mother was surprised would be a major understatement.

Tawanda-a, she gasped, recognizing the one-armed black lady. Where’s Alice?

She’s in class. She told me about your interests. I hope you don’t mind. I was so anxious to meet you after hearing all that Alice had to say.

Mother stared, still not putting everything together. Even as she pulled the requested Coke from the fridge, she continued to stare.

I could not believe how lovely you were in the picture, but, but in person, you are so much nicer.

I’m flattered. Tawanda smiled.

Mother opened the can and set it in front of Tawanda. I can’t get over how I feel looking at you. Tell me about yourself.

Nothing much to tell. Twenty-five, have been without my arm about a year. Always been black. Tawanda laughed. Bisexual all my life. She touched the end of the stump. Don’t mind having one arm...actually kind of like it.

What happened?

Something I’d always had a fantasy about.

Oh, my God. Mother grabbed at her chest. I’ve always wanted that too...maybe both off. If I could trade bodies, I’d be black like you, but that’s not going to happen, is it?

While we are talking about trading bodies, how old would you like to be?

"My husband likes young ladies, but not too young. I think. Mother laughed. When we are out, like at the mall, we tease each other about the ones about your age."

Does he want to...fuck her?

If she were black, he’d never be able to resist.

After I graduated high school, my mom’s boyfriend used to do me. I guess I didn’t mind, but I preferred when she and I would share each other.

It was time to reveal the Mark III to Mother. I thought it was. I wanted her to experience the freedom and joy I was finding. I had ordered a second