Parents with Price Tags: Heal Yourself of Family Dysfunction and Love Your Children Unconditionally

By Rita Roberts

Parents with Price Tags illustrates many of the common family issues that leave some family members feeling unloved, disrespected, frustrated, angry, and that they have no choice but to either conform to old-school family traditions, beliefs and unrealistic obligations or run the risk of being disowned by their families.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Aug 1, 2014
• ISBN: 9780993678615

Book preview

family.

CHAPTER ONE

The Evolution

of Family

Even though we did not ask to be born, we are here. Because our introduction to life begins with our families, let’s examine this institution called family to understand how our personal journeys begin. Webster’s Dictionary describes family as a basic social unit in society traditionally consisting of parents and their children, and any various social units differing from but regarded as equivalent to the traditional family. The Britannica Concise Encyclopedia states that the family as an institution provides for the rearing and socialization of children, the care of the aged, sick, or disabled, the legitimation of procreation, and the regulation of sexual conduct in addition to supplying basic physical, economic, and emotional security for its members.

Evolution of Family from the 1950s to the Present

When I was a child growing up in the 1960s, life was very different from the way it is today. The changes in our society and to the human condition have had both positive and negative effects on us as individuals and in our family lives. Since the 1950s, even the role of parent has changed dramatically with new technologies, such as computers, the internet, cell phones, and other electronic devices. These changes have affected our lifestyles, the way we communicate with one another, our environment, and even the weather and the food we eat.

Whether we agree with the changes or not, the moral pendulum has also swung radically from a conservative to a more liberated society. Let’s take a brief glance at the evolution of our world.

Family Scenarios of the 1950s

The Family Scenario of the 1950s

In the 1950s, neighbors and store owners knew each other by their first names. People were not afraid to say hello to each other and lend a helping hand. In fact, it was what people were expected to do. On Sundays, stores were closed and the day was considered a day of rest and time to spend with one’s family, with many families visiting with each other, cooking roast-beef dinners, and spending quality time together. Families prayed together and enjoyed spending time together. Wives cooked all the family meals and packed their children’s lunches for school. Our modern fast food didn't exist. Nutritional supplements were largely not necessary because most food was in its natural state. People went out for dinner on special occasions only, or if their stoves broke down. There was no such thing as TV dinners.

Following is a list of the ideal housewife’s role with regard to her husband in the 1950s. You may cringe; however, this was how the traditional family functioned back then.

• The wife was to have the house clean, tidy, and quiet, and a delicious dinner ready, on time, for her husband when he came home from work. She also had to look rested and refreshed and be cheerful to greet her husband after his busy day at work.

• She was to listen attentively over dinner to her husband, letting him speak first and not bothering him with topics of importance to her, or with complaints or problems.

• Above all, she wasn’t to complain if her husband came home late, or question him about his actions or judge his opinions.

In the 1950s, the typical family consisted of a father, mother, sisters, brothers, and often a family pet—usually a dog. People lived simple lives. Almost all the decisions regarding the children were made by the family. Most people married in their early twenties and were expected to have children, purchase a home, and pay off their mortgage in a reasonable time. Couples had more than one or two children. A parent’s job was to provide a roof over their children’s heads, put food on the table every night, tend to the daily household chores, and keep their family safe. Children were raised to respect their elders and wouldn’t dream of talking back to them, or even speaking to an adult unless spoken to. Adult children were expected to care for their aging parents, and many felt privileged to do so. In return, they earned their parents' respect, and the parents were able to pass down their wisdom to their grandchildren.

Children’s toys encouraged creative thinking. Parents rarely bought their children games to play because they were expected to use their imaginations and create their own games. It wasn’t the parents' job to keep their children entertained; children entertained themselves. They were encouraged to play outdoors every day to get fresh air and exercise so they would stay healthy. It was not hard to convince children to play outside because they wanted to. Staying indoors was considered to be punishment. Parents didn’t need to worry about something bad happening to their children because neighbors looked out for one another.

Children were disciplined by their parents. Parents were expected to spank and punish their children accordingly whenever they misbehaved or were not respectful to others. Children were afraid of their parents. There were many disciplinary boundaries; in fact, other responsible were also expected to discipline another person’s misbehaving or disrespectful child if the parent was not present. Children had curfews and were expected to obey them. Parents knew all their children’s friends—and the parents of their children’s friends—and anyone else who was an influence on their children.

Girls’ hair was long and boys’ hair was short. Men with long hair were considered beatniks and lazy and, therefore, probably wouldn’t have had jobs. Boys did not wear pink. Having recently come through the Second World War, many parents rationed things such as water and electricity, so personal hygiene consisted of washing one’s face and hands every night before bed and taking a bath or shower only once or twice a week. There was no such thing as hair conditioner, so combing the knots out of one’s hair could be painful and tedious. Little girls did not wear designer lingerie or makeup or get manicures and pedicures. In fact, most women didn’t either. These were considered luxuries, not necessities. People lived by their needs, not their wants. Sunscreen lotion for UV rays wasn’t even developed; it was safe to spend time in the sun for extended periods of time without worrying about the depletion of the ozone layer causing the sun to damage one’s skin. Doctors made house calls. The word sick meant you were physically sick, not that something was cool.

Certain topics, such as birth control, menstruation, sex, and intimacy, were talked about discreetly; people did not discuss private issues in public or on TV. Many women considered sex a wifely obligation to their husbands rather than a source of personal pleasure. Television taught people about morality and gave them life lessons; for example, I used to watch Little House on the Prairie, which taught me about family values and respecting yourself and others. Abortions were frowned upon, and any woman who chose to have a career instead of being a stay-at-home mom was considered a career woman. Same-sex marriages did not exist, and marriages were expected to last forever—until death do us part. Interracial marriages were frowned upon. Divorce was frowned upon and very rare. Homosexuality was frowned upon and gay marriages didn’t exist.

Getting drunk was frowned upon. Doing drugs was not cool. Engaging in premarital sex, as well as dressing revealingly or provocatively, meant you were promiscuous. Any child born out of wedlock was labeled illegitimate, and the mother sexually promiscuous—the father was expected to marry the woman so that people wouldn’t talk. Only bad, untrustworthy men got tattoos, and they were considered to be gangsters, bikers, sailors, or rock ’n’ roll musicians. Women did not get tattoos. Christmas was not a bad word, nor was it commercialized.

There were no laws regarding seat belts or baby car seats. Children did not expect their parents to pay for the things they wanted, only the things they needed; therefore, children were expected to work at jobs such as delivering newspapers, or they collected pop bottles to cash in for money. They might also have been given an allowance to do extra chores around the house. Children bought cigarettes—for their parents—from the local corner store. There were no such things as lock-downs in high schools because children were not armed and dangerous. If children fought with each other, they used their fists, not dangerous weapons. Teachers had the same authority as parents did; they could spank a child, make them face the corner of the classroom, keep them in after school, or cancel their recess. Teachers could call a student’s parents to inform them of their child’s bad behavior without any legal implications or restrictions. In fact, it was expected of them. Children had to follow strict educational guidelines and were expected to pass each subject before they could pass into the next grade. Exceptionally smart children could skip a grade.

Most men were the breadwinners in the family. Employees were loyal to their companies, and companies were loyal to their employees. Employees were assured of job security. People wanted government jobs for the benefits and pensions they offered. Most people saved their money and paid their mortgages first, rarely spending money on unnecessary items for themselves or for pleasure. Mortgages were privately owned before being taken over by banking institutions. People spent money only when they needed to, not because they wanted to. Most people didn’t have credit cards; they paid for everything by cash and didn’t live beyond their means, so very few people were in debt. The common philosophy at that time was if you don’t have the money to buy something, don’t buy it!

The Modern-Family Scenario

Much of today’s society operates under a false sense of security, with many people experiencing high levels of stress, anxiety, and depression. People have become afraid to even say hello to strangers because they believe many people cannot be trusted, or they feel that if someone is being nice to them, they must have an ulterior motive.

Today’s typical family structure does not consist of only one model. The only distinctive characteristic that holds true with respect to today’s families is that there isn’t one. A family can range from single parents with one or more children to same-sex couples with or without children to interracial couples to couples with adopted children—the possibilities are endless. Many people marry later, usually in their late twenties or early thirties, or not at all. Some couples choose to opt out of conventional marriage completely and just live together instead. Having or not having children, and how many to have, is also optional.

Most stores and malls are now open on Sundays, and some even on statutory holidays. People now use their Sundays to do their domestic chores, so very few have a day of rest. Many are expected to work on Sundays as well. Others have random work schedules, so getting together to socialize with family has taken a back seat on their list of priorities and is almost nonexistent in many of today’s families. Women’s roles have changed. Many find themselves no longer positioned in the one role of happy homemaker, but instead they are expected to handle many roles, including working in the home, working outside the home, and being the primary parent to their children. Each family operates by their own unique agenda, depending on each family’s particular situation. There is no longer a cookie-cutter lifestyle for families.

Addiction to alcohol, drugs, and certain activities, including sex, is on the rise. Sexuality has become a preoccupation in today’s society. Topics such as reaching orgasm, sexual pleasure, sexual products, dating services, pornography, erection dysfunction, and lack of sexual stamina have become topics in mainstream conversations. A person can flip through dozens of TV programs showing others being graded or judged or celebrities sharing every detail of their lives. There are animated shows displaying sex or violence, or music videos that are provocative or suggestive. In fact, I often joke that a child can lose his or her virginity just by watching a music video these days! Very few topics are considered taboo any more in the media or on the internet.

Religious or spiritual beliefs are diverse as well. People’s choice of faith, or not, has become more individualized, and whatever religion one was raised in may not be the one they follow later in their life. Some people like to experiment with various religions or philosophies. Some religions do not require a physical building in which to worship, and going to a place of worship has also become optional. Christmas has become commercialized and nondenominational. Due to our multicultural society, saying Christmas greetings or merry Christmas is now disapproved of by other cultures and is slowly being replaced by season’s greetings or happy holidays, which are considered more encompassing and respectful to all religions. Some people still prefer to go to a church to pray and prefer to worship with a group of people; whereas others prefer to have an intimate, more direct connection through spiritual practices such as meditation. Many people now accept abortions. Same-sex marriages exist, and some marriages now end in divorce. Interracial marriages are accepted and very common as well. Homosexuals have come out of the closet and are recognized and accepted; in fact, other groups are also out in the open and commonly referred to as LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender). Having children outside of marriage is also more common today.

Children can no longer purchase cigarettes. Smoking is prohibited everywhere except in designated smoking areas. Seat-belt laws are enforced. Driving with any form of hand-held electronic device is prohibited. Children are no longer failed or held back in school, regardless of their grades; otherwise, it is felt the child’s self-esteem would be damaged. Sunscreen lotion is now recommended because of the atmosphere’s thinning ozone layer, which allows dangerous UV rays from the sun to damage our skin. Depending on a child’s age, there are few or no restrictions on what they can wear with regard to colors, textures, lingerie, or makeup. Nor are there any restrictions for males or females with respect to wearing earrings or jewelry or using cosmetics, or in their clothing styles, hair color, or hair styles. One style suggests that when a man wears an earring in his left ear, he is heterosexual, and when he wears an earring in his right ear, he’s homosexual. Any person, man or woman eighteen years or older, is free to get tattooed or body pierced—there is no longer a stigma attached to such adornments. Dressing revealingly or provocatively is considered acceptable and is common practice.

Men and women work outside the home, and either can choose to work or stay home and raise their children. North America is no longer the land of opportunity it once was when many people immigrated to Canada or the United States to create a better life for their families. In fact, the rate of unemployment has skyrocketed, and many people find that they need to hold down two or three jobs to manage their monthly expenses. There is no job security—unless a person is fortunate enough to be backed by a union; any person can find himself or herself unemployed for almost any reason and at any time. Very few jobs offer pension plans for retirement security. As a result, many seniors still need to work or consider other options for their financial security over the age of sixty-five before being able to retire.

Paying cash is frowned upon. Having credit is not an option—it is expected. Without a healthy history of financial credit, one cannot successfully purchase a large-ticket item, such as a house, car, or real estate. University graduates who are fortunate to have their parents pay for or assist with their post-secondary education are ahead of the game. Others may find themselves behind the eight ball and starting off their careers in debt with outstanding student loans to pay off. Therefore, establishing good credit can realistically take them years to ascertain. For this reason, many young adults can no longer move out of their parents’ homes, having no other choice but to continue to live with them.

Family meals have changed dramatically as well. Some women still cook the family meals, some can’t cook at all, some choose to frequent restaurants for dinner, some get meals prepared by personal chefs, and some choose fast-food dinners to feed their families. The media has educated consumers on the adverse health effects of too much red meat, so many people now avoid roast-beef dinners or eating meat at all. Nutritional supplements have become an essential part of a healthy body because the modern diet of processed, refined food is lacking in nutrients, and modern agricultural techniques deplete the nutrients in the soil in which food crops are grown. The health of farm animals provide our eggs, dairy products, and meat is compromised by the use of steroids and other drugs, and harmful preservatives and other chemicals are added to manufactured food products to increase their shelf life.

People’s lives have become so busy that they no longer need excuses to eat at a restaurant. Many no longer have the time to prepare a healthful meal after getting home from work; they are often too tired or unmotivated to cook dinner at all.

Although our society has changed dramatically over the years, the role of parent should not. Even in the twenty-first century, a parent’s primary role still consists of being responsible for putting a roof over their children’s heads and food on the table each day, tending to the daily household chores, and keeping their families safe. However, along with the basic parental obligations of teaching respect and encouraging good manners and healthy boundaries, a few new ones have been recognized as a critical part of raising healthy children, including nurturing their children’s emotional needs. This means ensuring that their self-esteem is not compromised.

The Effect of New Technologies

The destruction of some families today can be partly attributed to advances in technology by negatively affecting the ways in which family members communicate with each other. With all the new electronic devices for communicating, we no longer need to speak in person or even on the telephone to one another. As a result, the human voice is becoming obsolete. Instead of calling someone on the telephone, many would rather email, use FaceTime, text message, or use social media such as Facebook, Twitter, or Skype. Computers are great inventions; however, they cannot transmit human emotion—no matter how many happy-face emoticons you use. Although these alternatives to communicating have their advantages and often save time, they should not be used as a replacement for human interaction. Many people whose lives are ruled by fear prefer to avoid speaking to another person, and technology has become their safe haven. Unfortunately, human beings still need human contact. We are emotional creatures. Technology lacks emotion. Technology cannot replace the sound of another person’s voice. We are creating a new generation of people who lack social skills and the ability to show empathy. I believe that a lot of miscommunication, disappointments, and frustrations could easily be avoided if people were to go back to communicating directly with each other—instead of through an electronic device.

Ironically, computers were invented to free up a person’s time and help eliminate repetitive jobs in the workplace. But in actual fact, since the invention of the computer, people have less time now and are working harder and longer than they ever did in the past. Many people do not leave home without making sure they have their electronic devices with them. Some people actually sleep with their iPhones underneath their pillows; others take them into the bathroom with them so they don’t miss a call or a text message. I believe we have just identified our newest addiction, my friends!

THE HUMAN VOICE AND THE SPOKEN WORD SEEM TO BE DISAPPEARING, AND THIS TO ME IS A REAL TRAGEDY.

~ William Riley, my ninety-year-old spiritual surrogate father

We can clearly understand why and how the evolution of our world has brought dramatic changes since the 1950s. Changes can be witnessed in all areas of our lives with respect to our government, our society, and humanity, each having positive and negative influences on our personal, professional, and family lives. Although change is inevitable, and often necessary, many of the changes taking place today have shifted our once-simple, family-oriented lives, where people were respectful of one another, to lives that are far more complex, where people are more disrespectful of one another and competition is the name of the game. Balance needs to be restored through education and by integrating the solid, grounded family ethics of the past with the freedom and diversity of the present. Otherwise, families will continue to suffer the adverse effects that compromise a healthy family environment, the role of the parent, and humanity in general.

CHAPTER TWO

My Story:

From Childhood to

Early Adulthood

Everything happens for our reason! When I was a child, children were expected to follow a defined set of rules and social protocols that our parents and their parents had followed. Unlike today’s children, we didn’t have as many options for how to live our lives. The average person’s life scenario went something like this: You grew up doing everything your parents told you to do; you went to school, usually just high school, and completed your education there; you got a secure job; you met a potential marriage partner, usually at school, at church, or through family members; you got married; you began to have a family; you bought a house and paid off your mortgage; and you stayed married—forever, no matter what!

OUR CHILDHOODS ARE THE FOUNDATION ON WHICH OUR JOURNEYS BEGIN.

It was important in those days for a woman to consider the type of work a potential husband did. He needed to be reliable and hard working so he could afford to purchase a home and take care of you and your potential children once you were married. This would ensure that you would live happily ever after.

My Childhood

I was born into a traditional European family that had immigrated to Canada in the 1960s. Life could not have been easy for my parents, who had come to Canada at the tender age of twenty-one with an infant and another baby on the way, who would, unfortunately, be physically disabled, and then twins—my sister and me—before they reached the age of twenty-four. As new immigrants to Canada, they had no other choice but to learn English, and my father’s brothers took turns having them live with them until my parents could get established enough to be on their own.

People’s lives were very simple in the 1960s and 70s. They were not nearly as complicated as they are today. Many people in my neighborhood didn’t take vacations away from home or buy new clothes or cars, or even order in dinner. One of the few reasons people would consider going to a restaurant was for a special occasion. Most of the people where I lived cooked all their meals, darned their socks, and for entertainment watched Family Affair, Leave It to Beaver, and All in the Family on television. Many agreed that this was a good life. With today’s modern advances that are supposed to make our lives simpler, our lives have become much more complicated, even stressful. I’m sure this is why so many people are reverting to doing things the old-fashioned way, including hanging out their laundry on clotheslines, cooking healthful homemade meals, growing their own vegetables, and using natural remedies to avoid prescription drugs that can have harmful side effects.

I was one of five girls in my family, sharing the position of forgotten middle child with my twin sister. Each of us played our unique role in the family. My oldest sister, Stella, would become the golden child. My second sister, Maria, was born disabled, so, naturally, she required a lot more of our parents’ attention. My baby sister, Linda, came along, by accident, seven years after my twin sister and me; she was guaranteed attention just for being the baby. That left my twin sister, Amy, and me in the middle, and we worked as a team for our parents’ attention. A brother came along a few years after Linda; however, unfortunately for my family, God had other plans for him. He died at birth. This devastating loss would become the catalyst for some of the events that would shape the lives of my family members forever.

As a child, I was extremely quiet and shy. I was always obedient, and I was a straight-A student. I never stepped out of line to do, feel, act, say, or even think anything other than what I was given permission to. In fact, some would say that I was the perfect child. I was the peacekeeper among my sisters. When my sisters would argue with each other while my parents were out, I would take notes and report back to my parents—that’s right, I was the self-designated snitch! I would always do what I was told, even when I didn’t want to—rebelling silently to myself, internalizing all my anger, frustration, and disappointments rather than verbalizing them. I was raised in a generation where children were to be seen and not heard. We were disciplined just by the look our parents gave us, which meant to behave—or else! It was the infamous look that reminded us that we were in big trouble, and that when we got home we were going to be spanked or otherwise punished.

As one of five girls, it wasn’t always easy for me to get an equal share of my parents’ attention. I realized early in life that the best way to get their attention was to position myself as the good and obedient child in my family. Sometimes I also took on the role of entertainer because of my quick wit and unique sense of humor—those attributes worked well for me. I soon realized that to avoid, or at least limit, the punishment, spankings, or name-calling I got, it was easier for me to suppress my emotions and do exactly what my parents wanted me to do rather then what I wanted to do. I realized that this was the best approach to take because it brought very little trouble to my parents, and I experienced fewer punishments than my sisters.

I learned to become quite the chameleon too. I could adapt to any situation, whether I liked it or not, to maintain the impression that I was perfect. For example, I used to imitate Elvis Presley for my friends because it made them laugh. I would lip sync and play air guitar with an Elvis recording. One day, my parents saw me doing this and got a kick out of it, so every time we had company, they would ask me to perform for our guests. Being shy, I hated doing this, but they would force me, so I would pretend I was having fun, when, in truth, I was a nervous wreck. This was the price I was willing to pay to get the love and attention I desperately wanted from my parents. We all want to find a special place in our parents’ hearts, and that was my way of finding it.

What I didn’t know at the time, however, was that it would be an extremely high price to pay. Every choice and all my actions going forward in my life would be a direct reflection of my trying to be that perfect child. It seemed like a good idea at the time, and an easy price to pay in exchange for the love and appreciation I got from my parents. It seemed as though they didn’t have to worry about me most of the time because I instinctively always did the right thing. What I didn’t realize was that my parents would hold me to the position of perfect child, even as an adult many years later. My parents would divide their time among my sisters, depending on their needs. My time with my parents was always shorter than the time my sisters were given because my parents relied on my being the strong, independent one whom they never had to worry about. They believed I would always land on my feet and be able to take care of myself without too much involvement from them. It turns out they were right. However, I did not understand that as a child. Regardless of how independent and level-headed I was as a child, teenager, and even young adult, I still needed my parents to acknowledge my need for their attention too.

Stella, my oldest sister, earned the position of golden child later in life, ironically, using the opposite strategy to mine to get our parents’ attention. She played the rebel card. I remember my mother chasing her around the house one day with a broom in her hand, intending to hit Stella with it, and Stella crawled under her bed in fear. My mother then tried to force her out by poking at her with the broom, yelling at her to come out. I also recall my mother yelling at her, saying, I feel sorry for the man who ever marries you! It seems funny now, thinking back on those memories; however, I also wonder how that experience affected me and my sister emotionally, especially since I remember it so vividly. It brings up the question: How do painful childhood experiences impact our emotional health and well-being as adults?

Perhaps my sister’s becoming a rebel could be attributed to her position as the oldest child. These are the children who set the bar for their younger siblings