Fat, Black, Virgin.

By Ashley Bradley

Today was Krystal Vandross' thirtieth birthday and she was still a fucking virgin. Krystal was determined not to usher in the next thirty (twenty at most, let's be honest. Krystal is fat and is definitely going to be dead from diabetes soon) years of her life with unparted vagina hairs.

Today, Krystal was going on her first online date. Her first...date...that she procured online. She was not going to date someone over the internet. Online is where she met her date person. Outside in real life is where the date was to occur.

Krystal set up a profile on the popular dating site Pretty Please three months ago. Under her interests she listed reading, classical music, recipes "and kayaking!" For her body type Krystal selected curvy even though, really, she had the shape of that nice refrigerator her older sister just received as an anniversary gift from her husband (Two years strong!). For her profile picture, Krystal selected a lovely photo of herself standing like a popular and beloved woman in the shoddily lit bathroom closet of her gynecologist's office. (The yeast infection has multiplied but Dr. Asmesgeradth believes that if Krystal just loses fifty pounds it will go away, so...good things all around. Krystal's fortune cookie was wrong. "Sometimes leaning very far over edge of cliff is best view", her ass.)

The first message Krystal received, an hour after setting up her profile, was from a man named Squirts. No last name. The message read: "hai mommy". Krystal was a fucking virgin, so there was no way this Squirts person was her child. She declined to respond. Two whole months later, Krystal received her second response from a man named Jim. "Hello, Krystal. What a fine, lovely jug of chocolate milk you are. How much do you weigh? Would you like to meet me at a buffet?" Krystal did sort of want to meet Jim at a buffet. Though, she was a bit incredulous about how he didn't specify which buffet. Just any old buffet? Krystal was very particular about buffets. The ones that provide Chinese food offerings are the ones Krystal will not set foot in. There are just some things you don't need to be scooping up with tongs and plopping onto a cafeteria tray. Krystal had standards. Hard, solid foods like chicken and corn bread and that steak looking stuff. None of this loose ass wormy oriental shit. There's a time and place.

"Which buffet?" Krystal messaged back to Jim.

"It depends. How much do you weigh?"

Krystal did not know why Jim's buffet choice depended on her weight. Clearly, Krystal liked to eat. Any buffet would do, Jim. Well, any buffet that does not serve dirty ass warmed over soy sauce noodles and sushi rolls which by the fucking way are not even a China thing Krystal had to say once to this Chinese girl she was talking to on a message board when she kept telling Krystal about how full she was from all the sashimi she was constantly eating in China, Earth. This was the first red flag that Meow Ling was not really who she said she was. Krystal had no idea though why Meow would lie about her identity. They were on a message board discussing the critically hated-on by haters, but super popular anyway despite haters TV show, Sexy Teens. Why did Meow need to create a false identity to talk shit about how ugly Sexy Teens heartthrob Milo was with that fucking big ass mole on his cheek? "It's like a little poop from God on his face D:" Meow said like every time Krystal brought up Milo which totally annoyed Krystal because Milo was really sweet and his girlfriend on the show had flabby upper arms which Krystal thought was super progressive of Sexy Teens to have this fat ass girl be the girlfriend of the show's karate yoga-taking heartthrob. Too bad the actress who played her killed herself and so Milo started dating his (90lbs soaked in semen) karate yoga sensei Rachel.

"Um. Why do you want to know how much I weigh?" Krystal messaged Jim instead of committing suicide like that fat arms act

• Language: English
• Publisher: Ashley Bradley
• Release date: Feb 11, 2014
• ISBN: 9781311705242