No Homo!

By Ashley Bradley

Will met Patrice on Tinder. Will's homies had advised against him seeking a wife on the dating app, stating there were "mostly hoes" on there. But Will was getting tired. He'd been rejected from eHarmony, he was sure, because he was black. Even though there had been a black dude in an eHarmony commercial, implying blacks were accepted on the site, the first question on the application to sign up for the site, "ARE YOU BLACK OR NOT?!", suggested otherwise. Will had contemplated clicking the bubble next to NOT!!, but decided against it, figuring if he were honest, it would work to his benefit, and he'd be matched more successfully. Yeah, successfully matched right off the freaking site.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Ashley Bradley
• Release date: May 23, 2018
• ISBN: 9781386027010

Book preview

No Homo!

Ashley Bradley

Will met Patrice on Tinder. Will's homies had advised against him seeking a wife on the dating app, stating there were mostly hoes on there. But Will was getting tired. He'd been rejected from eHarmony, he was sure, because he was black. Even though there had been a black dude in an eHarmony commercial, implying blacks were accepted on the site, the first question on the application to sign up for the site, ARE YOU BLACK OR NOT?!, suggested otherwise. Will had contemplated clicking the bubble next to NOT!!, but decided against it, figuring if he were honest, it would work to his benefit, and he'd be matched more successfully. Yeah, successfully matched right off the fucking site. 

Will had been heated after getting rejected from eHarmony, but not heated enough to like shoot up a school or movie theater. He simply decided to try another site. ChristianMingle. Will wasn't exactly Christian, but he was more Christian than not. You know? He like, vaguely believed in God. He figured, there had to be some explanation for the influx of white bitches with big booties in his neighborhood. That was certainly not Science - it had to be the work of some otherworldly being. Will felt his half-assed, probably maybe idk anything is possible attitude about Heaven and shit was enough to qualify him to portray himself as a God-fearing individual who belonged on ChristianMingle, trolling for pu--seeking a wife.

Will felt very strongly that pretending to be Christian would net him better results. The Christian hoes were where it was at, according to Will's best friend, Duane, who stated that the best ham and cheese hot pocket he's ever eaten, belonged to an uber-Christian named Christina, who had a stuffed animal collection that Duane said freaked him out and he was sure there were cameras in the eyes of that teddy bear, but that the stuffed animals in her shirt more than made up for it.

Will remembered feeling disgusted when Duane was telling all about Christina's gooey hot pocket and her Furby that cried the whole time while they were engaging in intercourse. Also apparently she lived at home with her invalid father and his room was right next door to Christina's and Duane said he could hear--sort of as back-up singing to the Furby tears--her father gurgling to death. Duane stated he had brought up the gurgling multiple times during their encounter, inquiring whether or not someone should go in and check on the man. But Christina said he was fine, God was looking out for him. Anyway, Duane said the last time he saw Christina she was being carted away in a police car at her father's funeral, though Duane said he didn't think one thing had anything to do with the other.

Sure, Will had went, scared. Duane had terrible taste in women, always choosing the worst of any lot. Like, if they went out to the club and there was a pack of beautiful bitches, Duane would go for the one that had clearly just tried to commit suicide a few days prior, and her friends have brought her out to try and cheer her up. She's that sad friend of the beautiful bitches whom they take pity upon. They all grew up together, got cool jobs and became dimes, except for that one outlier who can only get twenty hours a week at her fast food job and lives primarily off disability income from that year she tried being a sugar baby and had her pelvis destroyed. That's the one Duane would go for each and every time. Will wouldn't even see the tragic bitch, too distracted by all the other beautiful and successful-looking ladies displayed before him. Duane just had that sad bitch radar.

It was because of this that Will did not let Duane's Christina story deter him from snatching up a Christian ho for himself. Duane probably found the worst of the lot. He was someone who thought a pussy that tasted like ham and cheese Hot Pockets was a good thing, when it very much usually was not. If a pussy should taste like anything, it should be poptarts, or Febreeze.

It was just Will's luck that he met an actual uber Christian, and not the obviously fake pretending-for-kink kind that Duane fell upon. Debra was nice enough, and she sure was a looker, but she wouldn't put out! She wouldn't even suck Will's dick, the fuck?? Debra would be tryna go on dates with Will to the fucking aquarium and shit to look at beluga whales and Will would be sittin' up there feeling salty (no pun) because everywhere else was wet but his dick (kind of pun). Nah, he couldn't deal with Debra and her whole The only holes of mine that will be digged in before marriage will be those of my ears and nose!. Will thought she...meant he could stick his dick in her nose and ears?? But apparently she just meant for cleaning. And not with a dick? Will was disgusted that Debra dug in her nose. She was so musty for that.

Will hopped right the fuck off ChristianMingle after wasting three weeks not getting the pussy from Debra's slow, sweater-wearing ass. She was always wearing a sweater. She seemingly had a sweater for every fucking occasion. She even had a sweater specifically for going to the bathroom. Her nasty ass used it to wipe her hands off after she was done. Will shoulda known then that Debra wasn't shit, but something about her having a sweater specifically to poop in, suggested to Will that eventually she'd be down for anything. Well, maybe she would've been had they gotten married, but Will wasn't fucking marrying a binch named goddamn Debra. There was something so high school cafeteria worker about that name. Will decided it would not be a longterm good look for him to be married to someone who could be anyone's pedophile aunt that mostly stays in Nevada but she comes back home for holidays to see what new kids were born into the fam that she can meet (molest).

Will decided next, to try BlackPeopleMeet. Will had made the mistake of mentioning to his hatin' ass mom that he was signing up for the site. Shoulda went to an HBCU like I told ya dumb ass. His mom stay bringing that shit up! How she had went to Howard for one semester a million eons ago, and expected Will to continue the family legacy. But Will wasn't tryna go to an institution with mostly black people. He watched wayyyyy too much anime. They'd find out and mock him. He'd end up hanging himself with a fuckin ascot or some shit in his fraternity house. Will was one hundred percent certain that would've been his fate had he attended not just Howard, but any historically black college. He ended up going to ICDC because the commercials were diverse and had computers in them. Will liked diversity and computers, it was a good decision. Now he has an engineering degree. It's not from an accredited institution, and clearly is just a printed-out MS Paint document, but the job he has now didn't even bother to really check his background, nor did they ask to see the diploma, so Will was straight! ...

BlackPeopleMeet was sort of a douchey site. It was a very horrifying display of mostly ratchet types frontin' as bougie. It took Will forever to find an actually bougie bitch, and she had some suspicious ass job running what she