Corrupted!

By Dave Tourette

By popular demand, here's a collection of original jokes, random thoughts and observations by Dave Tourette.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Dave Tourette
• Release date: Jul 30, 2013
• ISBN: 9781301837236

Dave Tourette

Author of the comedy "Corrupted!"

Book preview

Corrupted!

by Dave Tourette

Corrupted!

by Dave Tourette

Copyright 2013 Dave Tourette

Smashwords Edition

Reviews

This book kills...if you throw it hard enough.

The most important book ever written...in helping feed Dave's family. -- New York Times Best-seller reader

The best book I ever read. -- Kevin Jackson, GED class of 2013.

I love Dave's book. He's the best. -- Dave's mom.

Preface

Here's a collection of some of my random thoughts, anecdotes, jokes, and observations. It is all original material and it is written using the short form. Much of the material is for general audiences, but there is enough material for adults only that I would not recommend this book for anyone under the age of eighteen. And the adult material presented is likely to be found offensive by delicate readers. Now that the caveats are out of the way, I hope you enjoy the book.

I've divided the book into three sections, Recent Dave, Early Dave and Latter Dave. Since a couple of the jokes and subjects are topical, I should mention Early Dave was written predominately in my adolescent years during the 1990s and Latter Dave was written in 2012. Recent Dave includes material from 2013 and Dave's Twitter, Twitter.com/DaveTourette.

Dedication

I'd like to dedicate this book to all of the people I could have treated better. Except for the assholes.

Table of Contents:

Part I: Recent Dave

Part II: Early Dave

Part III: Latter Dave

Part I: Recent Dave

Happy thoughts -- I imagine if I were an albino and had jaundice I'd at least be happy I finally got some color.

Disappointment -- I thought I was losing weight, but it was just the elastic in my underwear wearing out.

Goals --

1) Are you an only child?

2) Not yet.

Not so bright Nobel Prize Laureate -- If I ever discover a substance harder than a diamond I will call it math, because math is really hard.

Activism -- Stop supporting deadly civil wars. Boycott blood oranges.

Trying to fit in -- As popular as the phrase, You go, girl! is, don't try to apply it to men. You go, boy! isn't as well received.

Opportunity -- If everything popular is said to sell like hotcakes, why aren't there any hotcake stores?

Fairness -- Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. Man, the drunks just can't catch a break.

Trust -- I was betrayed by the Gorton's Fisherman.

School -- History class was so much easier in year two.

Unexceptional Family Achievements -- My Mom does the cover art for the books for the blind.

Family -- I signed up for the big brother program. So if anyone needs a punch in the gut or told that they're stupid, give me a ring.

Fears -- No longer does anyone have to fear growing old and dying alone. Thanks NSA.

The worst thing about having multiple personalities is the complete lack of privacy.

Quotes -- I thought I had more time. -- People who crap their pants.

The vegetable with the worst social skills. Black eyed peas.

Quotes -- Eat the rich. And the poor. -- Hannibal Lecter

Disappointment -- Bad news guys. I discovered Victoria's secret. She tucks.

Titles -- Sir Lee. A disagreeable knight.

Social conventions -- Would it be in poor taste to show up at an AA meeting with Ketel One as my sponsor?

Misinterpretation -- Ass-sphincter neighbor claims loud pipes save lives. Drives a pickup truck.

Quotes -- I thought being a 7 time world champ would get you hotter groupies. -- Joey Chestnut

Solutions -- Number of stray dogs and cats in the U.S.: 70 million. Number of people food insecure: 26 million. I think one problem solves the other.

Associations -- Water, Ducks, Elderly drivers -- Things found in retention ponds

Racialism -- Jujubes have been discontinued as they have been deemed to be racially offensive.

Choices -- You can have your Red Bull. I'm going to stay with my pink elephants.

Proportions -- It's amazing how fat White Castles can make you considering how little time they spend inside you.

Cow tipping -- Sure, but only if they provide exemplary service.

Heads up -- Be careful out there Mr. Torn. The cemetery seems to have a lot of dead people named Rip.

Frenemies -- Vodka.

Bluetooth --