Anger Solutions! Proven Strategies for Effectively Resolving Anger and Taking Control of Your Emotions

By Julie A. Christiansen

Do you control your anger or does it control you? Learn to deal with anger the Anger Solutions way! This innovative 9-step model will teach you to identify the various anger styles, learn 13 sure signs of anger in the workplace, find strategies to resolve anger at work, give effective feedback and criticism, address problems assertively, listen more effectively, enhance communication in your relationships, and harness the power of forgiveness. The Anger Solutions "T.S.A." formula will help you resolve difficult situations regardless of the context, and will give you the tools you need to communicate effectively with angry people!

Julie Christiansen, M.A., is an international speaker and coach who specializes in Anger Resolution, Stress Management and Effective Communication. She is the author of several books, and shares her time between teaching psychology at Toronto's George Brown College, a private counselling practice, and writing/publishing books. Julie lives in St. Catharines with her husband and three children. This is her first Smashwords publication.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Julie A. Christiansen
• Release date: Jan 3, 2014
• ISBN: 9780987963413

Julie A. Christiansen

With close to 30 years in the community services field as a therapist, case manager, public speaker, and trainer, Julie knows and understands people. Julie has an extensive background in mental health counselling, psychiatric rehabilitation, traumatic brain injury, and forensic counselling. Her areas of specialization are anger and stress solutions, trauma recovery, chronic pain, and MVA recovery. Julie holds a Bachelor's degree in Psychology and a Master's Degree in Counselling Psychology, and is registered with the College of Psychotherapists of Ontario. She is a member in good standing of the Ontario Association of Mental Health Professionals, the International Association of Applied Psychology, and the Ontario Society of Adlerian Psychology. Her psychotherapy team, Spa for the Soul, has received the Readers Choice Award four years in a row.  Julie has authored twelve books including, Anger Solutions, Top Ten Lists to Live By, Anger by the Book, Bullying is Not a Game: A Parents' Survival Guide, and It is Well. Her most recent work, I Don’t Feel So Good was released in April, and her work in progress, The Rise of Rage is set for publication in February 2024. Up to 2017 Julie was an adjunct professor at George Brown College in Toronto, teaching various psychology courses including Forensic Psychology, Introduction to Psychology and Psychology over the Lifespan. She is often a guest expert for various media on topics related to anger, stress, and other mental health topics. She has appeared as an expert for CBC, CTV National News, Global National News, CTS Television, CHCH TV, Rogers TV, WDCX Radio Buffalo, WVON Radio Chicago, CKTB Niagara, CHRI Ottawa, Cogeco Cable and Corus Entertainment. She has also consulted with various producers providing insight into their program content – including the Anderson Cooper Show, The Hunted, and programs in preparation for Investigations Discovery. Julie is a 40 Under 40 alumnus; she received the 2015 Toastmasters Communication Leadership Award, and the 2023 Women of Heart Award for Innovation in Mental Health.

Book preview

Introduction

There are many common misconceptions about anger: what it is, what it isn’t; how it works, why it works; what it’s for, and how to express it. Anger is one of those great emotional paradoxes. We as human beings experience anger on a regular basis, but unlike happiness, sadness and fear, we struggle with its expression. When we’re happy we laugh. When we’re sad we cry. When we’re afraid, we tremble, run, fight, or hide. But when we’re angry, we somehow get stuck. Somehow, throughout the course of time, we have come to believe that anger is too volatile, too dangerous, too violent an emotion.

I suppose if you look at the history of mankind, from Cain to Judas to Jack the Ripper to Hitler, the examples we have for coping with anger haven’t left us much we can, in good conscience, use. However there are two sides to every story, and two ways to learn from history. When I think of Joseph, Jesus, Churchill, Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, or Martin Luther King, I see another side of anger. I see that anger is different things to different people. What sets one group apart from the other is a little thing called belief.

Belief is at the root of everything we do. To borrow from the title of Dr. Wayne Dyer’s books, "you’ll see it when you believe iti. This is not some hokey, pop psycho-babblish notion that is all about mind over matter". It is a simple truth; one that has existed since the dawn of time yet has been widely ignored or discounted by the populous at large.

When we get up in the morning, swing our legs over the side of our beds, and plant our feet firmly on the floor, we are doing so based on a belief (that the floor is still where it was when we went to bed the night before). If we truly believed that while we were sleeping the floor had dissolved and turned into Jello, would we be so quick to jump out of bed? I don’t think so.

If you stop to think about it, everything we do in the course of a day is based on certain beliefs we hold to be true. Many of those beliefs are so deeply ingrained that we cannot even consciously acknowledge their existence. If asked to articulate what belief allows us to drive our cars without fear every day; what belief enables us to perform the daily duties of our jobs, or to nurture positive trusting relationships with some people but not others, chances are the majority of us would not be able to articulate them.

The journey of life can and will be virtually impossible to navigate if we fail to use our built-in guidance systems. The most powerful of those is our personal belief system. Beliefs have the power to shape us, to make us, and to break us. Depending on what you choose to believe in, you may be an incredibly strong individual, with the ability to take on new challenges, to learn new things, to take risks, and to effectively deal with the consequences of your actions. Your choices regarding your beliefs may also transform you into a weak, dependent person; one who is afraid to try, afraid to fail, afraid to succeed, and afraid to take responsibility for your own behaviour. What you believe about anger is directly correlated to how you respond to situations that cause anger. If in angry situations, you find yourself withdrawing, blaming, aggressing, or retreating, perhaps the beliefs you have held to be true are limiting you and shaping you into a person you do not wish to become.

I suppose that is why I have written this book. There are other books out there that address specific issues like road rage, the anger related to past sexual abuse, anger in marriages, and other similar and valuable topics. All the same, I felt it necessary to look at anger where it begins – at the source, rather than identifying the various triggers that might cause us anger. If I asked you today, What makes you angry? I don’t think any of you would have trouble telling me what ticks you off. What if I asked you, What are the underlying beliefs that cause you to feel angry in certain situations? Now there’s something to think about.

Some time ago, I was talking with a client about his particular limiting beliefs. I remember sharing with him the notion that belief is the basis of action, and watching as revelation dawned in his facial expression. He wrote it down in his notebook in large, bold letters, and repeated the phrase a few times to himself, Belief is the basis of action. To paraphrase his response, he said to me, Already, my outlook on life is changing, just by hearing that one statement. I’ve been paralyzed, and afraid to act; but, if I truly believe that I have something to offer the world, if I truly believe that I am talented, if I truly believe that I am capable, taking steps toward my goals is so much easier! This has been the missing link for me. I wonder why I didn’t see it before.

I gave him the same homework that you will be doing later on as you progress through the steps in this book. I suggested that he go home and list everything that he absolutely believes to be true. Then, I proposed that he extrapolate from those belief statements and examine the consequences of each belief. Take a look at how this works:

I believe that I have incredible talent that should be shared with the world.

If I believe this to be true, then I will not be afraid to share my talent (to publish my writing, to sing in front of an audience, to display my art…)

I believe that bad things only happen to bad people.

If I believe this is true, then when bad things happen to me, it means that I am bad.

You see, we all have certain beliefs about anger, and those beliefs dictate our actions. Why else would someone who commits an act of road rage store a baseball bat or a gun in their vehicle, unless they believed that at some point in time they may have to use it? Would you punch someone in the face unless you absolutely believed that it was the right thing to do at the time?

People use violence because they believe it will get them the results they desire. Someone who is invisible in society immediately becomes visible when they hold a gun to the head of another human being. Organizations with an unknown, unheard of, un-championed cause immediately become newsworthy when they bomb a building, or demand ransom for hostages. They do these things because they believe their actions will get them what they want. In the same way, we respond to anger in our own lives with particular actions or words because we believe that those responses are the best way, or the only way, or the most effective way to deal with our anger.

My question to you is this: Are You Sure? Are you so sure that the only way to get respect is to berate and belittle your subordinates? Are you so sure that the only way to get your kids to behave is to beat them? Are you so sure that the only way to get what you want is to make others feel guilty for not knowing and giving it to you before you ask? Are you so sure that squashing your emotions inside of you won’t make you sick?

I wrote this book because I have worked with countless people who have struggled with these very questions. Their core beliefs were breaking them, and inherently they knew it but didn’t know what to do to change. In every case that I can remember, the underlying issue was the same. The foundational beliefs on which my clients based their behaviour were skewed, faulty, based on something other than reality. The things we are taught can affect beliefs, just as much as the things we are not taught. Foundational beliefs can be influenced by our life experiences and the value we place on them. The things we see on TV and hear on the radio can affect beliefs. Traumatic events and their outcomes can also influence beliefs. Conversely, as we grow and mature, those same foundational beliefs affect the way we receive or reject teaching. They determine how we respond to our life experiences, and whether or not we accept or reject the ideas foisted on us by the media. My point is that just because we have always believed that certain behaviour is right doesn’t make it so.

There is nothing wrong with challenging your beliefs; that is, as long as you are doing so in a systematic and open way. Often people will challenge their foundational beliefs by espousing the exact opposite of the principles they have always lived by.

* A woman who has remained passive in an abusive relationship one day comes to the realization that she enables her abuser by being passive. She swings to the other side of the pendulum and kills her abusive spouse in his sleep.

* A mother that traditionally vents her anger by crying in the bathroom decides that this technique is no longer useful for her. She begins yelling at her children.

* Children that have striven for perfection in order to be accepted, decide to rebel. They slack off in school, listen to dark, depressing music and begin using drugs.

* A quiet, non-confrontational, community-minded storeowner shoots the robber of his store with a shotgun after being robbed five times.

You see, just because you realize that the thing you have always believed is wrong doesn’t make your next choice of belief or action right. Often what is required is not a dramatic 180-degree turn, but rather a slight shift of attitudes, beliefs, and actions.

Anger Solutions provides you with the tools you need to make those subtle shifts, and to challenge your beliefs openly and systematically. The tools contained in this little toolkit will enable you to picture anger for what it really is. They will help you to examine your belief systems and to understand both the positive and negative ramifications of holding on to those beliefs. You will gain an increased awareness of your own responses to anger, and insight into the responses of those around you. Anger Solutions will show you how to free yourself from the bondage that anger puts you in, and how to make anger work for you instead.

The book is written in steps as opposed to chapters. Each step builds on the one that preceded it. It is much like a skill building exercise. The more practice you have, the