Beyond Hope: A Sex Offender's Story

By J. Smith

Should a sex offender speak? Does anyone want to hear anything from someone who has committed such a terrible crime?

This daring author takes us on a journey from his own childhood abuse through the depths of his depravity.

You might suppose the author was psychologically imbalanced from youth, with no regard for his actions and their consequences. Instead, he was a pretty normal, well-adjusted, and functional member of society with two college degrees and a respectable career in a highly competitive industry.

His horrific path to darkness started with a series of small, seemingly unimportant decisions that built one upon the other until he was truly out of control.

Once there, was there any hope at all?

Find out as you read this amazing piece of work about restoring hope when we don't deserve it, while realizing the power and beauty of grace. It is dripping with honesty, love, and redemption, showing everybody that no matter what you have done, you are never beyond hope.

• Language: English
• Publisher: J Smith
• Release date: Jan 19, 2013
• ISBN: 9781301534074

J. Smith

J. Smith is the pseudonym of an activist who has been involved in the radical left for over twenty years.

Book preview

Beyond Hope

A Sex Offender’s Story

By

J. Smith

Beyond Hope: A Sex Offender’s Story Copyright 2012 J. Smith - Smashwords Edition. All rights reserved.

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Reviews

This is an amazing piece of work about restoring hope when we don’t deserve it and realizing the power and beauty of grace. It is dripping with honesty, love, and redemption. I am honored to have been able to work with the author on this project. His bravery and obedience to God are inspirational to me.

—The Editor

Contents

Chapter One - Abuse

Chapter Two - Loneliness

Chapter Three - Cure

Chapter Four - Corrosion

Chapter Five - Fall

Chapter Six - Alarms

Chapter Seven - Prosecution

Chapter Eight - Opportunity

Chapter Nine - Discovery

Chapter Ten - Identity

Chapter Eleven - Remission

Chapter Twelve - Recovery

Forward

I treated the author of this book for several years in a professional capacity and am very proud to see how far he has come in his recovery. His story is a warning to anyone who would let passions over-rule their judgment through numerous small decisions.

The author’s story of recovery from his sexual offenses is typical of some offenders who admit they’ve gone wrong, and genuinely work hard to ensure they do not reoffend. It is very hard work and requires a lot of personal commitment on their part. Even when the mandated/formal therapy is done, their work does not end. They commit to working on themselves for the rest of their lives, and those who have made the commitment should be commended.

There are other offenders who struggle with sexual issues for many years and do not show such promise. Not every offender who has committed the types of crimes the author has should be expected to be able to recover from something this damaging and traumatic to his victims and himself.

But clearly there is hope for even those who have gone this far astray. Clearly he, and others like him, are not, as the title suggests, beyond hope.

—Author’s Therapist, Doctor of Psychology

Introduction

Should a sex offender speak? Does anyone want to hear anything from someone who has committed such a terrible crime? Do we really want to know or even care how a criminal felt? Should the story elicit pity, or should it evoke shame?

The answers to some of these questions will undoubtedly be controversial.

Why would I want to tell my story?

The truth is I don’t. I don’t want to go back to the places where I was that night I committed my first crime or the day the cell door slammed shut. I don’t want to revisit the patterns, behaviors, attitudes, and cycles that led up to the worst decisions of my life. I don’t want to dwell on the past. I don’t want to become famous or even infamous for that matter. I don’t want credit for writing this book. I don’t want to profit from my story. But most of all, I don’t want my victim to ever be hurt again.

So this leaves me writing using a pseudonym but truthful—and painfully so. I am writing the truth in such a way that I am still genuinely anonymous. Hiding my identity isn’t for my sake; it’s for the sake of those I hurt along the way. They don’t deserve any further pain.

hope remains for the stuck and the stained

All profits that may come from my story go to organizations which help victims of crime to work to repair the harm I and those like myself have done to our society. I write my story because I am compelled to do so—and because I hope with all of my heart that it will do some good.

The selfish acts of sex offenders have, for many years, torn apart the lives of far too many women and men. Some victims live with the painful memories of the brutal abuse inflicted on them for their entire lives. Society’s hatred for sex offenders is justified. The war we seem to be waging against the offender is a righteous, zealous one. My life has become uncomfortable, and rightly so. I am fortunate to have been let out of prison alive.

Therefore, my goal for this work is simply this: I want to give hope to those families of offenders, ex-offenders themselves, and even perhaps victims. I want to share that offenders can change and can overcome the demons that haunt them. But the offender has to want to change. I can guarantee it will be a battle. From working with offenders for over ten years, I can say with authority that offenders seem to fall into one of three camps: 1) the few, like myself, who seek fervently to lead a changed life, 2) the many who steep in a bitter tea of resentment and claim to be victims, and 3) the majority who hide fiercely behind the thick walls of denial. Hope remains for the stuck and the stained. In order to change, the offender cannot play the role of the victim. The offender must be honest with themselves and with others. The offender must pay what justice demands before healing can begin.

I am also boldly looking some of you in the eye and challenging you to stop what you are doing now before you step across an unthinkable line and abuse someone sexually. There is no possible excuse for harming someone else. If you read this book and identify with some of the behaviors, please, stop what you are doing before you hurt someone more than you already have. You might think what you are doing is hurting no one. You would be wrong. No one is an island—we’re all connected. Remember that next time you drag the rest of humanity down into the pit with you.

I aim to bring glory to God. If I’m not doing that, there is no point in writing this. This, then, is a testimony, not an autobiography. It will not focus on every detail of my life. However, where I talk about some things, I hope you will see that through all the bad choices I made to serve myself I ended up a pretty ugly man. Through my sinful decisions, I gave up a better, brighter future for something much more difficult that holds lasting consequences for me and others. But maybe God can still work in my life. Perhaps, He can—even now—transform me into someone beautiful.

It is my ardent prayer, therefore, that this work will do some good and offer hope to those who might otherwise be beyond hope.

Chapter One - Abuse

It was early evening and time for bed. I was downstairs in the small, cold room that was my own when I began to tense up with worry. My shoulders rose, and I hunched without even being conscious of my response. Dad’s office was directly above my room, and I could clearly hear his heavy footsteps and the tone of his voice. It was rising in frustration and anger. I didn’t have any idea what he was upset about, but when he got angry, bad things happened. My stomach began to tighten, so I got into my pajamas, turned out the light, and climbed into bed. As I lay there, I heard his anger, simmering hotter and hotter, until he started slamming desk drawers and shouting at my mom.

I heard his footfalls cross the house and down the steps like and angry drumbeat. I trembled. He breached my brother’s threshold first and made a livid accusation about something he was missing—he was absolutely certain my brother must have taken it. My muscles were taut, and I pulled the thin covers more tightly around me, looking for the scant protection they offered. I remember hoping that Dad would find whatever he was missing and that his anger would abate—but it would not be that night.

Within seconds, my brother received a beating. Moments later, my door flew open and my light blazed on, illuminating my dad’s wild eyes. The charge of wrongdoing was repeated. I told him the truth—that I didn’t have what he was missing. That didn’t stop him from yanking the covers down and beating me with his leather belt until welts arose on my legs and butt. I squirmed in pain and cried out for mercy but found none. As a child, I was spanked often for things I had done wrong. But this night was different and I knew it. I did not deserve it this particular time. It was wrong. I was innocent! I had no idea how to get him to stop. The searing pain in my buttocks and legs intensified with every repetition and plea for him to stop. I was a tortured prisoner of war who had reached his breaking point. Out of my desperation, I came up with a genius plan out of the cortex of my ten-year-old brain. I would admit I had taken it, which would convince him to stop spanking me.

It didn’t go as planned.

He used his arm to sweep clear everything on the shelves over my bed. All my possessions came crashing down on the mattress, where I shook in terror. He began berating me for not having any of my possessions

Reviews for Beyond Hope

[shepardcm_545751540 · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Though it's a tough subject to read about, this book is honest, relevant, and filled with hope.