Love Didn't Hurt You

By Caitlin Rivers

Written from a personal perspective and drawing upon current psychosocial research. This book explores domestic abuse; covers perpetrators motivations and methods of operating, how to avoid toxic relationships, survival and escape strategies and how to seek help.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Caitlin Rivers
• Release date: Nov 27, 2016
• ISBN: 9781370382798

Caitlin Rivers

I am an author based in UK. I self published Love Didn't Hurt You to empower the victim and show signs of a perpetrator. My hope is to use my own experience to help those in need.

Book preview

Caitlin Rivers

Love Didn't Hurt You (1)

Know The Signs of Domestic Abuse

First published by Caitlin Rivers in 2016

Copyright © Caitlin Rivers, 2016

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise without written permission from the publisher. It is illegal to copy this book, post it to a website, or distribute it by any other means without permission.

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Contents

I. Love Didn't Hurt You

The Journey to who I am now

The beginning of the end of me

The stripping away of me

Protecting the innocent only hurt them further

Some would say I deceived him too

The final straw

What happened? I’m confused…

What is domestic abuse?

Red Flags of Abuse

I still don’t understand? Well, that is just what they intend…

What is a narcissist and their traits?

Why do perpetrators abuse?

The Power and Control wheel and the Equality Wheel

Why didn’t family or friends speak up?

The smoke screen and the false persona

Isolation – the divide and rule

Jealousy and suspicion

The threat of violence - Intimidation

Name calling – verbal abuse

Gas-Lighting: Know it and don’t get burnt

Financial abuse

Manipulation

Sexual abuse

Unhealthy Relationship Vs Healthy Relationship

Physical abuse

Is there a pattern of abuse, or is it unpredictable?

Why did he lie?

Drama

Why does a victim stay?

What happened when I finally left…

Court - The open arena for further abuse

Institutional co-abusers?

Really? You still have feelings for your perpetrator? Are you mad?

Who I am now

The Survivor’s Psalm

II. Resources

Resources, help and support

Questionnaire: Are you in an abusive relationship?

Red Flag warning signs

Is this you? LEAVE!

Before you go…

When you leave: Items to pack for you and your children

Protecting Yourself

Phone safety

Computer Use

Social Media

GPS surveillance and any other recording devices

Stalking

Protecting your health

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Depression

The aftermath

Time for healing

Dating again...

Does someone you know need your help?

Useful telephone numbers and links

References

I

Love Didn't Hurt You

1

The Journey to who I am now

Choosing clothes that would hide the bruises, or my fraying body was a normal part of my life.

But not anymore, standing in front of the mirror, I hardly recognize the woman I am today; but although I escaped my abusive marriage, I haven’t escaped his abuse. And although I am not a victim of domestic abuse anymore, I am however still surviving domestic abuse - long after leaving my perpetrator.

While fastening the button on my shirt, I wonder how someone - who was supposed to have so little control over his life and his anger - could manage to negotiate where his blows would land, being oh so careful not to mark where it could be seen by others. When I say ‘others’ I mean all those who enabled the abuse to carry on as long as it did. These enablers were his close friends and family - who would turn a blind eye, knowing full well what was happening. But because I wasn't sporting a black eye, or a split lip for all to see, what was happening was ‘okay’ and could be kept within our four walls, between husband and wife. It never dawned on me that I too was an enabler.

To the outside world he was so charming, fun to be around, the life and soul of the party. But behind closed doors he was disrespectful, arrogant and violent. It’s that old, old story - he was like the fictional character Jekyll and Hyde. For me, it was no story - it was my reality - a nightmare in which I could see no happily ever after. Looking back now I feel cheated and used. I am angry with myself for allowing someone to hurt me as much as he did - mentally, physically and financially. But most of all I am saddened because when I look into the eyes of my daughter, I know that my pain and confusion of the situation we find ourselves in now has become embedded in her too. I have comforted her with soothing words and protected her the best that I can, as much as the law would allow me. But all this kills me inside knowing that the two people who are supposed to love her unconditionally and protect her from harm are the ones who are guilty of hurting her the most. Her father with his never ending abuse and me for allowing an innocent life to be caught up in such chaos.

But how did it get to this? The truth is I don’t really know, it’s a mess, but this mess was my life, and the only life I knew. But not anymore. I had to learn to live by myself, find myself. The first real hurdle was that I had to discover who I was. What did I like? What didn’t I like? This was something which I grappled for a while, because for years I’d repressed who I was to protect myself from abuse. So finding me and healing me, was the first step on my new, but very hard and emotional venture.

I am writing this book to help, not only myself understand what happened so I can close that very painful chapter in my life, but also to help others who have been in similar situations to understand that domestic abuse is not the victims fault. To help others to leave the ‘what if’ scenarios behind which will allow those first steps of the healing process to be taken. Because the truth is until you know what the signs of domestic abuse are, you will never understand the reality that no matter what you say or do in that situation the results would always remain the same.

We will never know the true reasons why they did the things they did to us, or if they really did love us. But while we beat ourselves up wondering why, or sit in torment waiting for an apology, we only delay what we truly deserve, and that’s inner peace and happiness. I have learned to accept that there are some questions in life that will never be answered and that not every injustice done to us will be set right. Therefore, I’ve decided that I have given him enough of my time and energy and the best thing for me to do is live my life - move forward and never look back.

On my journey I have educated myself into the principles of psychology and the reasoning behind such behaviours, and this has helped me on my road to recovery by answering why perpetrators of domestic abuse say and do the things they do, and why I acted the way I did.

For the purposes of this book, I will give you a very brief insight into my abusive marriage and share some small examples of the abuse I lived through. I am comfortable sharing these small snippets that can help others understand the nature of abuse, but please understand that there are some things that I am not ready to share with anyone. After the snippets I can talk about I will explain my interpretation of what happened and the reasoning behind the behaviour.

2

The beginning of the end of me

I was eighteen when I met my perpetrator. He was thirty and had the sole care of two children from a previous relationship. When we first met he was sweet, gentle, and attentive to my needs, he opened doors for me, and would listen to everything I said and would agree whole heartedly. To me and to those observing he seemed to want to be a part of my life as much as I wanted to be a part of his, and it seemed that wanted to see me succeed in my education and to eventually pursue my chosen career.

We hadn’t been together long at all before we moved in with each other and were married. In fact, we had only been together three months before we took our vows ‘until death us do part’ (and it nearly was). The reason for the shot gun marriage was because I was pregnant, not through choice, but because I was deceived - a red flag of an abuser, but something I knew nothing about. I saw him put the condom on and had no reason not to trust him. I realized that my period was late, but I dismissed it as my cycle was never regular but after two weeks my period still hadn’t arrived and I began to panic. I shared my concerns with him, only to be told: I don’t like condoms so sometimes I take them off. It was decided that the ‘right thing’ to do was to get married. However, a week before the wedding complications occurred with the pregnancy and I had to undergo a clinical termination.

The marriage went ahead, but as soon as that ring was on my finger I was his property. That’s when I caught a glimpse of the real man I'd married. The charm turned in to sleazy innuendos and his gentle and caring nature started to disappear day by day. Even his demeanor when he was with his children changed, I was horrified - his temper would erupt like that of a volcano that calmly poured its lava across beautiful surroundings. He became this unpredictable character who would explode into devastating and deadly eruptions with his children in seconds. This was painful to observe and left me confused and angry. My father was nothing like this, and this wasn’t - in my eyes - how a loving father should act. My childhood was not based on fear and the need to gratify my father’s needs. So, I gently tried to suggest other ways in which to deal with the children’s behaviour, which was a lot more nurturing. I knew full well I had no children of my own and that this would be thrown in my face, but I tried, and I really wished I hadn’t said anything.